DH is suddenly smoking again

[Anonymous]

DH quit smoking before we married several years ago. Today, I found a receipt for cigarettes and asked him what’s going on? He said he is smoking again but only casually and is not addicted (I haven’t seen him doing it on weekends-he claims he doesn’t smoke on the weekend).

He’s in grad school and works full time and we just had our second child a few weeks ago. It seems the smoking started when our second was born.

I’m so incredibly disappointed and bummed. I just don’t want to be with a smoker. I don’t want our children to see him smoke.

He’s also gained so much weight in the last year, and continues to gain.

I’ve asked him what we can do to make his life less stressful and create space for his self care. He just shuts down and lies/negates/minimizes/denies there is any problem. The reality is-we already outsource a lot and I do more parenting than him as it is even though I work full time as well.

What else can I do?

[Anonymous]

You don’t want to be married to a smoker but too late, here you are. Nicotine is highly addictive and quitting is a serious endeavor. He will only quit when he decides to. And guess what, he never actually stopped smoking.

Go ahead. Ask him directly. How long did you stop smoking, honey?

BTDT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t want to be married to a smoker but too late, here you are. Nicotine is highly addictive and quitting is a serious endeavor. He will only quit when he decides to. And guess what, he never actually stopped smoking.

Go ahead. Ask him directly. How long did you stop smoking, honey?

BTDT

He really did quit. It’s been 5 years. We spend a lot of time together so I would have known.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t want to be married to a smoker but too late, here you are. Nicotine is highly addictive and quitting is a serious endeavor. He will only quit when he decides to. And guess what, he never actually stopped smoking.

Go ahead. Ask him directly. How long did you stop smoking, honey?

BTDT

He really did quit. It’s been 5 years. We spend a lot of time together so I would have known.

Yet it took a receipt for you to catch on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t want to be married to a smoker but too late, here you are. Nicotine is highly addictive and quitting is a serious endeavor. He will only quit when he decides to. And guess what, he never actually stopped smoking.

Go ahead. Ask him directly. How long did you stop smoking, honey?

BTDT

He really did quit. It’s been 5 years. We spend a lot of time together so I would have known.

Again, I have been there, done that. I thought DH had quit for years too but he really hadn’t. He had been sneaking occasional cigarettes the entire time!

[Anonymous]

Dang, I thought you were saying that he had been working out and was back to being "Smoking Hot".

Sorry, Op. I would be ticked off if my dh was wearing gross, smoky clothes around our newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t want to be married to a smoker but too late, here you are. Nicotine is highly addictive and quitting is a serious endeavor. He will only quit when he decides to. And guess what, he never actually stopped smoking.

Go ahead. Ask him directly. How long did you stop smoking, honey?

BTDT

He really did quit. It’s been 5 years. We spend a lot of time together so I would have known.

Again, I have been there, done that. I thought DH had quit for years too but he really hadn’t. He had been sneaking occasional cigarettes the entire time!

Op here. I mean, if it truly is occasional (like a few times a month or less), then I don’t really care and I don’t really consider that “smoking”. My fear is that it is virtually certain to become a daily habit/addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t want to be married to a smoker but too late, here you are. Nicotine is highly addictive and quitting is a serious endeavor. He will only quit when he decides to. And guess what, he never actually stopped smoking.

Go ahead. Ask him directly. How long did you stop smoking, honey?

BTDT

He really did quit. It’s been 5 years. We spend a lot of time together so I would have known.

Again, I have been there, done that. I thought DH had quit for years too but he really hadn’t. He had been sneaking occasional cigarettes the entire time!

Op here. I mean, if it truly is occasional (like a few times a month or less), then I don’t really care and I don’t really consider that “smoking”. My fear is that it is virtually certain to become a daily habit/addiction.

Then don't borrow trouble. If he is keeping it low key enough that you didn't know, then it isn't at that level.

I would get on him about his weight and insist that he works out. It sounds like he is looking for something to take the edge off, and a runner's high does a great job of that.

[Anonymous]

I’d be more concerned about the weight. Tell him if he’s going to smoke then he needs to work out.

[Anonymous]

You need to bring him to a Bodyworlds exhibition where the body showing the smokers' lungs are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t want to be married to a smoker but too late, here you are. Nicotine is highly addictive and quitting is a serious endeavor. He will only quit when he decides to. And guess what, he never actually stopped smoking.

Go ahead. Ask him directly. How long did you stop smoking, honey?

BTDT

He really did quit. It’s been 5 years. We spend a lot of time together so I would have known.

Again, I have been there, done that. I thought DH had quit for years too but he really hadn’t. He had been sneaking occasional cigarettes the entire time!

Op here. I mean, if it truly is occasional (like a few times a month or less), then I don’t really care and I don’t really consider that “smoking”. My fear is that it is virtually certain to become a daily habit/addiction.

My experience is that as long as he is smoking, even occasionally, he’ll fall back into it at any time of stress.

[Anonymous]

OP - I feel for you. Just busted my husband last week. He cares for his elderly and very difficult mom and I now know he smokes on the way home sometimes - I had suspected but now know for sure. It sucks and I was very disappointed (I'm very health conscious and fit now but did smoke socially when I was much younger so I get it). Don't get mad - tell him you love him and are scared. I know mine felt very bad and embarrassed that I caught him and didn't yell. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Yep my DH smokes and even when he quit for two years, I caught him smoking once when I came home early from work. He does it because he is stressed- all I can do is encourage him to reduce it

[Anonymous]

Get him to JUUL instead maybe?

[Anonymous]

I smoke about once a month when I'm out and having a drink. It never is more then that and you'd never know I did have that occasional cigarette because I run, I eat healthy and am overall one of those annoying people that talk about how healthy I am. But....oh...that one smoke here and there. I love it. I am just very quiet about it. I also would never let myself have more then that. I don't want a daily habit of it, yuck.