Does your spouse engage you intellectually?

[Anonymous]

In a stable, fairly content marriage of 15+ years, but feeling frustrated at lack of intellectual stimulation from spouse, now that kids are in middle and high school and we have much more time to actually talk. We're in completely different fields (I'm in an arts-related field, DH is a scientist), our day-to-day work is totally different, our colleagues and interests are different. My tastes run avante-garde, kind of high-brow, while he is into his area of expertise and sports, so we don't have similar tastes in music, movies, books, even the type of food we're into. DH is a great dad and great provider, loyal husband, great person overall, and we rarely fight. When we first met we had a strong physical and emotional connection, and that has kept us together over the years. But now I'm wondering if I need more, as I get frustrated at our lack of intellectual connection and just lack of things to talk about. I have fellow male artists who I can talk to for hours on end, and I'm increasingly attracted to this. Anyone else had the same issue and how did you deal with it?

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have very different interests but we connect on current events. We are regular views of the PBS Newshour and the show often triggers very good conversation. I'm a moderate democrat and he's a moderate republican so we can actually find a common ground on a lot of things along with some spirited arguments. But we never fight over current event stuff, just agree to disagree. Thankfully, he hates Trump too!

[Anonymous]

I could have written this post. Dh and I are have opposite everything. About 4 years ago I was exactly where you are now. I told Dh that we don’t have enough in common to keep the marriage going, I found myself attracted to people who could carry on a conversation about issues I’m interested in. Dh fought for me, and at that moment I realized that I can get intellectual conversation from other people and still have the physical and emotional chemistry that I continue to have with dh. He is an amazing dad, a great provider, is spontaneous, adventurous, kind, and loyal.

It’s tough though, your not alone.

[Anonymous]

No, nether intellectually nor sexually

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a stable, fairly content marriage of 15+ years, but feeling frustrated at lack of intellectual stimulation from spouse, now that kids are in middle and high school and we have much more time to actually talk. We're in completely different fields (I'm in an arts-related field, DH is a scientist), our day-to-day work is totally different, our colleagues and interests are different. My tastes run avante-garde, kind of high-brow, while he is into his area of expertise and sports, so we don't have similar tastes in music, movies, books, even the type of food we're into. DH is a great dad and great provider, loyal husband, great person overall, and we rarely fight. When we first met we had a strong physical and emotional connection, and that has kept us together over the years. But now I'm wondering if I need more, as I get frustrated at our lack of intellectual connection and just lack of things to talk about. I have fellow male artists who I can talk to for hours on end, and I'm increasingly attracted to this. Anyone else had the same issue and how did you deal with it?

You are an ungrateful snob talking down about your man that probably has no idea what kind of witch he married. I hope he finds better.

[Anonymous]

So you married him based on looks and sex. I'm impressed that you've gotten 15 years out of that. Has the well dried up or something?

My ex stimulated the hell out of me intellectually. It was one of the reasons I was so quick to tie the knot. It didn't last long unfortunately. Sex was never really there either.

Use your friends for intellectual stimuli. Stay with your husband for everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In a stable, fairly content marriage of 15+ years, but feeling frustrated at lack of intellectual stimulation from spouse, now that kids are in middle and high school and we have much more time to actually talk. We're in completely different fields (I'm in an arts-related field, DH is a scientist), our day-to-day work is totally different, our colleagues and interests are different. My tastes run avante-garde, kind of high-brow, while he is into his area of expertise and sports, so we don't have similar tastes in music, movies, books, even the type of food we're into. DH is a great dad and great provider, loyal husband, great person overall, and we rarely fight. When we first met we had a strong physical and emotional connection, and that has kept us together over the years. But now I'm wondering if I need more, as I get frustrated at our lack of intellectual connection and just lack of things to talk about. I have fellow male artists who I can talk to for hours on end, and I'm increasingly attracted to this. Anyone else had the same issue and how did you deal with it?

You are an ungrateful snob talking down about your man that probably has no idea what kind of witch he married. I hope he finds better.

[Anonymous]

The only reason I married him.

He doesn’t like to read literature, is not musical or artistic, all of which I used to think were necessary to life, yet has a sharp, practical brain and we discuss historical and current events from our very different life experiences and perspectives. We get into heated arguments!

[Anonymous]

Ha ha! Excuses OP. You are attracted to another man and you are finding fake issues with your DH. Your taste in art maybe highbrow but you have not married a hiily-billy uneducated trailer trash. You can find areas of interest even if he is not the arty-farty type. He does not have to match your exact intellectual leaning. You just have to not cheat on him in any way. That is the crux of the matter. Your DH does not have to match you in every way. That is not how marriages work.

[Anonymous]

I really don’t think he will care if you get your intellectual stimulation elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

When you get your nose out of your butt you might find something to talk about. Trust me, your fellow male artists are only engaging in lengthy intellectual conversations because they want to screw you. Every male artist believes they are God's gift to womanhood.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are getting frustrated that he doesn’t care about “your” stuff and are phrasing that as “not intellectually stimulating” you, when the actual problem is that NEITHER of you cares about the other one’s interests and the result is that you have nothing to talk about together. So invent some common interests—start going to the movies together, take up a hobby like board games or hiking, etc.

You should also be able to spend at least a little time each day listening to one another. My DH has a job I find boring, but I am still interested in how the job affects him. Whether he feels accomplished or overwhelmed or annoyed or challenged is all of interest to me and we have good chats about the politics of his office, what his goals are with different aspects of his career, etc. My DH has a hobby I don’t care about but I have learned to appreciate (he is a workout junkie) and I listen to his plans for trying a new routine and celebrate with him when he acheives a goal and encourage him when he fails. I might not care about the new kind of pushup he plans to try, but I am excited with him about it.

And he does the same for me. He laughs along to stories about my crazy coworker and and offers advice and encouragement when I want to improve my skills at work and listens to my plans for an elaborate Halloween costume and my latest audiobook. He cares about me and he’s happy to listen to me be happy and happy to support me when I am unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Conversations about jobs are not real conversations.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Was critical for me.

[Anonymous]

You sound annoying with your avant garde highbrow bullsh**.