Narrowing circle of friends: maybe it's me?
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Anonymous
To my dismay, some of my oldest (30yrs+) friends seem to be drifting away; some I may be pushing away
Eg: The person who revealed some personal info of mine on FB after I'd asked her twice in the past NOT to post that kind of info, then she goes in a huff. Or the old friend who comes into town with no notification, but I see posts of the social activities with other friends. Normally the person messages me if they're in town, we were almost like siblings up to recently I guess the older I get, the less likely I am to try to reach out to this type of person, but I wonder if I'm over-sensitive since I'm the common thread in the deteriorating friendships. |
Anonymous
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Relationships flow and ebb over time. If you're not fostering new ones, you'll indeed find your circle is dwindling.
I have some good friends form high school days but some of us have drifted either due to moves or we just sort of drifted apart (we're in our 40s now). Meanwhile, I've fostered new friends with similar interests of life situations (kids same age, etc) to fill the gap and it's worked well. |
Anonymous
| I text my friends every week for a lunch. We are constantly adding new ones as old ones move away or sometimes just stop coming. One died. There are bumps. We endure. They are irreplaceable. |
Anonymous
OP, I'm the same way. Just can see through these people now and have no patience for them. I do need to work on reaching out and making new friendships. |
Anonymous
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Well OP only you can know if you are pushing them away or not.
In the first friend case, it might be ok for that friend to distance because her boundaries are not in alignment with yours. In the second friend case, you may need to reach out more; not wait for your friends to contact you but be proactive. I'm in my 50s and the friend I thought was my closest friend is so busy these days, in effect I've been dumped, which really hurt and took a while for me to get over--especially since she dragged it out. But I finally got over it, and now I've done a switchup of my friends. In my 40s, my girlfriends were mostly moms of kids in my kids' class. But now I'm being proactive with all sorts of people. I've got a 24 y.o. friend that I met years ago when she was in high school and she babysat my kids once. My DD has an art teacher that I adore and now she comes over to watch movies. I volunteer for a couple hours every two weeks, and my "boss" is that stereotypical fabulous gay guy who has become a really fun friend. The volunteer date was cancelled this week but he texted me to go grab some coffee with him during our usual time. I'm also pretty shy, but I'm good one-on-one, so I just make it happen. Are any of these friends a deep friend who really gets me? Not really but I'm still in the development stage of these relationships, and they are forming a bridge until I find that deep female friendship again. |
Anonymous
| OP - I try to maintain contact until the relationship circles back around. It usually does. If I have the patience. I've even had great friends from the past become close friends again decades later, when we have more in common (I guess more in common. who knows? that's what's hard .. you don't usually know the whys) Op, I find all the time I have to fight my own tendency for impatience with people and their schedules, and the tendency to get my feelings hurt - which instead would lead me to enforce an all-or-nothing relationship (my way or nothing). So, In order keep up the contact I have to be very in tune with the right amount of contact - which equals - the right amount of contact before I become resentful (cause I'm initiating), and to feel empowered I schedule it. It's on the calendar. Example, the next time I'm going to contact Friend A is on January 23rd. If they contact me before then, then I might change my efforts to every month rather than every two months. But right now I seem to be the only one initiating, so every two months, for now, is all I can do w/out having my feelings hurt. With friend B it might be 2x/yr. Good friends, I'm currently in sync with, once a weekish (and don't need to think-through that) |
Anonymous
| I have a very small circle of friends. I have not really made a new friend in 20 years, and I have lost some friends in those years. I find it very hard to make new friends. I'm not an extrovert, and many people my age already have a tight circle of friends and are not welcoming to new ones. My friends are scattered across the country, from coast to coast. I travel to visit them, and we have a wonderful time together, and I so miss them. Then I come home to my new city, and hang out with my DH and a few old friends who live not too far away, but I feel sad I don't have closer friends here, and that I really have not made one new friend in my 50s. My old friends are so wonderful. I can't figure out why I can't make any new friends in this new place (where I've lived for more than 5 years!). |
Anonymous
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My mom moved to a new city when she was 66. She didn’t know anyone besides my sister and didn’t want to be dependent on her for social interactions.
It was not easy? but she did the following to build a friend group. Joined a church and got involved in volunteer projects they organize (feeding homeless people once a weekJ Found 2 book clubs - one through a neighborhood independent bookstore the other in her apartment building. Having a dog helped - she met the building book club connection bc they chatted while walking their dogs. Took classes - art and now creative writing. Found people with common interests. I’m proud of her for doing this. |
Anonymous
| It's better to have one true friend than 50 loose friends. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
| You only 1-2. Good luck. |
Anonymous
I’m in the same boat! |
Anonymous
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NP - stumbled across this thread. This exact issue was on my mind recently as well and had come across this article in The Atlantic over the holidays: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/10/how-friendships-change-over-time-in-adulthood/411466/
It seems that it's normal to struggle with this and for friendship circles to get smaller as we age. I decided to be more proactive in asking friends to do things than I have been. It's so easy to get caught up in the daily grind. I lost touch with a bunch of friends during most of my career because my job soaked up so much of my time. Unfortunately, I made "friends" with colleagues only to realize that they were situation-dependent. I have also worried about my friendship skills! It would be great to hear from people what they do to maintain friendships. |
Anonymous
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I know what you mean OP. I made a new friend yesterday and I was actually very excited. It had been awhile since I "put myself out there" and issued a lunch invite and new person accepted. I'm 63 years old and have had tons of friends come and go over the years.
I have to admit that I'm pretty terrible about keeping in touch. I do send out Christmas cards and do send emails. I hate FB and I kind of like doing my own thing. |
Anonymous
| Re: old friends, it's hard to find the right rhythm of contact. Once a month phone call? 2X a year? There were times when we talked weekly, picking up the phone anytime to share some detail of our day, just some small funny detail. If my efforts aren't matched by the other person, that is if there's a big discrepancy, it's hard not to feel hurt. Hard not to feel that maybe the other person would just rather have the friendship fade away ... |