When Acquiantences are too Invested in how you raise your SN kid

[Anonymous]

I have vented about this before. We have been at this since DC was 15 months old. We were on top of interventions and we get input from top notch professionals over the years (dev ped, ST, neurologist, etc). DC has made great progress, even better than expected. I welcome feedback from teachers too because they deal with my kid every day and may see things I don't. However....over the years I have encountered a handful of SN moms who are way into my business imposing their unsolicited advice and not giving up no matter what you say.

I had a mom of a child with ASD keep pushing how amazing self-contained was for her kid and I should really consider it. She barely knows my kid. The only thing she knows is my kid has HFA and I truly regret sharing it because she is now fixated on this. Mainstream has worked well academically and socially with some bumps and there are not behavioral issues.

There is a mom of a child with totally different special needs who is convinced my child would be a social super star if I did x, y and z....we have and DC isn't. This mom then has other ideas. I didn't ask her. She barely knows my kid other than what her kid with totally different issues says. I run into this woman everywhere and I try to politely shut her down to no avail. I know her heart is in the right place. She is way to obsessed with my kid.

I even had this when my kid was a toddler with another mom who's kid is on the spectrum. She insisted she knew everything, told me all the things my kid would never do and all the things I must do. I feel for her because her kid is older and this is many years later. He never learned to read and is struggling. Mine is on grade level. She was convinced she was the expert on my kid and I literally had to turn my cart the other direction and hide if I saw her in the grocery store back in the day because she was so fixated.

It hasn't been that many people, but those few cannot let it go.. Iit really is obnoxious when a special needs mom thinks she has a world renowned expert with all the answers. Anyone else deal with this? What has worked to shut it down with out hurting the other person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a really terrible person, and clearly have no understanding about what other parents with perhaps more severe needs children are dealing with everyday. Just tell them you don't care what works for their child.

I politely thank the person, explain what works for us and try to change the subject. These are people who have given me unsolicited advice almost every time I run into them and who ask pointed questions. I say we are pleased with progress.

It would be helpful if you could be constructive. I am terrible for being annoyed? I would be better off telling a well meaning person "I don't care."? I grew up with a very disabled sibling, much more impaired than these people's kids. I have plenty of empathy and I know first hand what it is as I had to take on some of the responsibility at a young age.

I welcome any constructive feedback including if someone wants to share they find this post offensive. Just please stick to concrete examples rather than name calling.

[Anonymous]

Most people just really want to talk about their kid. Divert the attention from your own kid and keep the conversation on theirs. (SNs moms often have no one else to talk to about these things.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people just really want to talk about their kid. Divert the attention from your own kid and keep the conversation on theirs. (SNs moms often have no one else to talk to about these things.)

This is something I will try. Rather than change the subject completely I will ignore the probes about my kid and say "How is Larla doing? I am so glad to hear the things you have shared have worked out for her!" If the person comes back to obsessing about my kid I will flip it again "You mentioned doing x program for Larla. What has she liked most about it?"

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I have never ever had this happen and yep, I have a kid with SNs. This is just odd. If multiple people are accosting you this way, you need to set up firm boundaries by not engaging with them.

[Anonymous]

Misery loves company, no matter the community. There is anger, sorrow and other negative stuff even if SN moms are mostly very kind. But no one deserves the half-deleted lashing OP got.

[Anonymous]

OP - I am sorry about the rude PP.

I have a few acquaintances like this too. Mostly the are parents I have met in OT waiting rooms or back to school events for SPED classrooms.

When my child was very young we weren’t exactly sure what was going on with him. So we were quite aggressive in the interventions that aligned with his challenges even without any diagnoses. So what’s i think happened is that these parents assumed our child was more similar to theirs than is the case.

I have been encouraged to:
-quit my job
-go self-contained
-register with the state for financial help to pay for ABA therapy
-go to ASD-specific camps instead of mainstream ones
-avoid situations that could be overwhelming

And I do believe this was all well-intentioned advice, but it isn’t what my child needs. He is thriving with the way we parent him.

This is going to sound harsh, but for some of these parents I believe that a big part of their self-worth is comprised of their ability to provide expert advice on kids like theirs. They have given so much of themselves to that cause. I have been there too. And it is hard for them to realize that you might not need the advice or that your child is perhaps experiencing more success right now than theirs is. (I completely recognize that isn’t always the case.)

So I try to be as kind about managing my boundaries as possible. I will often say something like, I really appreciate the suggestion, but what we are doing really seems to be working right now. Now tell me more about what (you’re kiddo) likes about whatever the recommendation is. Or I will ask if they have heard anything about something else I am researching. They might not know personally, but may know of someone who does. That gives them the opportunity to still be providing advice but in a way that I really appreciate.

[Anonymous]

Agree, people are just trying to figure it out and believe what they are doing is best. I used to get it all the time and I just thanked the person and moved on. The problem with making ASD a very broad disorder is there is no differentiation between low and high functioning and most people assume all kids are like theirs.

[Anonymous]

They may be annoying but I doubt multiple people are “fixating and obssessing” over you and your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am sorry about the rude PP.

I have a few acquaintances like this too. Mostly the are parents I have met in OT waiting rooms or back to school events for SPED classrooms.

When my child was very young we weren’t exactly sure what was going on with him. So we were quite aggressive in the interventions that aligned with his challenges even without any diagnoses. So what’s i think happened is that these parents assumed our child was more similar to theirs than is the case.

I have been encouraged to:
-quit my job
-go self-contained
-register with the state for financial help to pay for ABA therapy
-go to ASD-specific camps instead of mainstream ones
-avoid situations that could be overwhelming

And I do believe this was all well-intentioned advice, but it isn’t what my child needs. He is thriving with the way we parent him.

This is going to sound harsh, but for some of these parents I believe that a big part of their self-worth is comprised of their ability to provide expert advice on kids like theirs. They have given so much of themselves to that cause. I have been there too. And it is hard for them to realize that you might not need the advice or that your child is perhaps experiencing more success right now than theirs is. (I completely recognize that isn’t always the case.)

So I try to be as kind about managing my boundaries as possible. I will often say something like, I really appreciate the suggestion, but what we are doing really seems to be working right now. Now tell me more about what (you’re kiddo) likes about whatever the recommendation is. Or I will ask if they have heard anything about something else I am researching. They might not know personally, but may know of someone who does. That gives them the opportunity to still be providing advice but in a way that I really appreciate.

Yes, I've been that parent too. Now my child is older I have a bit more perspective and can detach, but there was a period of time when I thought I knew everything...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They may be annoying but I doubt multiple people are “fixating and obssessing” over you and your kid.

You'd be surprised. I was once at a park with my kid with ASD. A mom came up to me and said "Do you know that man?" I turned around and caught a man by himself watching my son. He looked familiar, but could not figure out who he was. She then said "I don't mean to alarm you, but he has been watching your kid very closely." He appeared to be alone because the wife -a mother who liked to give me endless unsolicited advice- was at the car with their kid. As soon as I saw them together I was like "yep, there they are." I had been to social gatherings with both of them, but had backed away because they were making us so uncomfortable with all the unsolicited advice. I got creeped out, grabbed my kid and went home without greeting them. Let my kid play in peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am sorry about the rude PP.

I have a few acquaintances like this too. Mostly the are parents I have met in OT waiting rooms or back to school events for SPED classrooms.

When my child was very young we weren’t exactly sure what was going on with him. So we were quite aggressive in the interventions that aligned with his challenges even without any diagnoses. So what’s i think happened is that these parents assumed our child was more similar to theirs than is the case.

I have been encouraged to:
-quit my job
-go self-contained
-register with the state for financial help to pay for ABA therapy
-go to ASD-specific camps instead of mainstream ones
-avoid situations that could be overwhelming

And I do believe this was all well-intentioned advice, but it isn’t what my child needs. He is thriving with the way we parent him.

This is going to sound harsh, but for some of these parents I believe that a big part of their self-worth is comprised of their ability to provide expert advice on kids like theirs. They have given so much of themselves to that cause. I have been there too. And it is hard for them to realize that you might not need the advice or that your child is perhaps experiencing more success right now than theirs is. (I completely recognize that isn’t always the case.)

So I try to be as kind about managing my boundaries as possible. I will often say something like, I really appreciate the suggestion, but what we are doing really seems to be working right now. Now tell me more about what (you’re kiddo) likes about whatever the recommendation is. Or I will ask if they have heard anything about something else I am researching. They might not know personally, but may know of someone who does. That gives them the opportunity to still be providing advice but in a way that I really appreciate.

Yes, I've been that parent too. Now my child is older I have a bit more perspective and can detach, but there was a period of time when I thought I knew everything...

That is really self aware of you to admit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They may be annoying but I doubt multiple people are “fixating and obssessing” over you and your kid.

+1 nobody is obsessed with your kid. It doesn't sound like you're actually friends with these people. Have you tried being honest with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I have vented about this before. We have been at this since DC was 15 months old. We were on top of interventions and we get input from top notch professionals over the years (dev ped, ST, neurologist, etc). DC has made great progress, even better than expected. I welcome feedback from teachers too because they deal with my kid every day and may see things I don't. However....over the years I have encountered a handful of SN moms who are way into my business imposing their unsolicited advice and not giving up no matter what you say.

I had a mom of a child with ASD keep pushing how amazing self-contained was for her kid and I should really consider it. She barely knows my kid. The only thing she knows is my kid has HFA and I truly regret sharing it because she is now fixated on this. Mainstream has worked well academically and socially with some bumps and there are not behavioral issues.

There is a mom of a child with totally different special needs who is convinced my child would be a social super star if I did x, y and z....we have and DC isn't. This mom then has other ideas. I didn't ask her. She barely knows my kid other than what her kid with totally different issues says. I run into this woman everywhere and I try to politely shut her down to no avail. I know her heart is in the right place. She is way to obsessed with my kid.

I even had this when my kid was a toddler with another mom who's kid is on the spectrum. She insisted she knew everything, told me all the things my kid would never do and all the things I must do. I feel for her because her kid is older and this is many years later. He never learned to read and is struggling. Mine is on grade level. She was convinced she was the expert on my kid and I literally had to turn my cart the other direction and hide if I saw her in the grocery store back in the day because she was so fixated.

It hasn't been that many people, but those few cannot let it go.. Iit really is obnoxious when a special needs mom thinks she has a world renowned expert with all the answers. Anyone else deal with this? What has worked to shut it down with out hurting the other person?

Well, you either have an actual magnet of bad humans stuck to your butt or the HFA is inherited and you misread people's tone and intentions often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am sorry about the rude PP.

I have a few acquaintances like this too. Mostly the are parents I have met in OT waiting rooms or back to school events for SPED classrooms.

When my child was very young we weren’t exactly sure what was going on with him. So we were quite aggressive in the interventions that aligned with his challenges even without any diagnoses. So what’s i think happened is that these parents assumed our child was more similar to theirs than is the case.

I have been encouraged to:
-quit my job
-go self-contained
-register with the state for financial help to pay for ABA therapy
-go to ASD-specific camps instead of mainstream ones
-avoid situations that could be overwhelming

And I do believe this was all well-intentioned advice, but it isn’t what my child needs. He is thriving with the way we parent him.

This is going to sound harsh, but for some of these parents I believe that a big part of their self-worth is comprised of their ability to provide expert advice on kids like theirs. They have given so much of themselves to that cause. I have been there too. And it is hard for them to realize that you might not need the advice or that your child is perhaps experiencing more success right now than theirs is. (I completely recognize that isn’t always the case.)

So I try to be as kind about managing my boundaries as possible. I will often say something like, I really appreciate the suggestion, but what we are doing really seems to be working right now. Now tell me more about what (you’re kiddo) likes about whatever the recommendation is. Or I will ask if they have heard anything about something else I am researching. They might not know personally, but may know of someone who does. That gives them the opportunity to still be providing advice but in a way that I really appreciate.

OP here...yes, I've been told to quit my job, go to the ASD specific camp, etc. I almost wonder if we met the same mom in the waiting room! Totally agree, it was well-intentioned, but not what my kid needed. It is a broad diagnosis and no 2 kids are alike.

Now that said, I do sometimes ask for input on programs, etc and I am grateful when people share the info. I also don't mind the occasional unsolicited advise. It's just things like "quit your job" or you must chose this educational program or bust that crosses a line. You don't know our financial situation and the person has no business making educational decisions without the background to do so. We make these decisions with a team (developmental pediatrician, teacher, speced teacher, admin, advocate, etc) not because random mom insists it must be done.