When Acquiantences are too Invested in how you raise your SN kid

[Anonymous]

Op, I understand you might feel annoyed but just keep in mind you are the one who makes decisions and more information is always better. I have found the advises from btdt parents especially useful. Many parents with SN kids probably wished they were told more so assumed you feel the same. Don’t think too much of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They may be annoying but I doubt multiple people are “fixating and obssessing” over you and your kid.

+1 nobody is obsessed with your kid. It doesn't sound like you're actually friends with these people. Have you tried being honest with them?

NP. Have they tried minding their own business? OP owes them no information.

[Anonymous]

I think it is a general rule in life not to give unsolicited advice. It's like the golden rule for mother-in-laws, but in general with anyone it just rarely goes over well. Contrary to what we think, we are not world renowned experts just because we raised a kid with SN. We are experts on OUR OWN children and that is it. Even someone who is a renowned expert knows better than to accost someone in a waiting room and give them expert advise or help unless you have a life or death situation.

Here is one reason I avoid it like the plague. I have noticed the people I know who tend to impose their "brilliance" on others without asking "do you want my input" often end up eating crow at some point. Also, you open your own kid to scrutiny. If you appear to think you are God's gift to special need parenting, the recipient is going to want to check out the product of your genius and when that kid is throwing a tantrum on the floor, well the secret is out that you don't have all the answers.

[Anonymous]

I forgot to add, I hesitate to give advice to people who actually ask me for my input. I once had someone ask me how I turned my kid's behavior around so much. We got together enough she could see a difference. I told her the list of stuff I did and then the next week the preschool teacher was pulling me aside with a complaint.

I find I must be humble at all times because even though I am proud of all we have done, things are always changing and as soon as I think "wow, we did a darn good job" my kid does something truly wacky that would make a lot of people think "what a lousy parent!'

[Anonymous]

pP above, you have a sense of perspective and humility which is not always present even here, where posters are routinely barraged and insulted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:pP above, you have a sense of perspective and humility which is not always present even here, where posters are routinely barraged and insulted.

DP. Absolutely right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I understand you might feel annoyed but just keep in mind you are the one who makes decisions and more information is always better. I have found the advises from btdt parents especially useful. Many parents with SN kids probably wished they were told more so assumed you feel the same. Don’t think too much of it.

It's useful when you ask "How is this speech therapy practice and which ST did you like most and why?" It is simply not useful at all when someone in an authoritarian tone tells you that "you must do X." Even the experts rarely do that. They usually share options and unbiased info. It is not the same as a parent who possibly needs to convince herself she made th best choices so she pushes other and does not give them the basic respect of assuming they too are capable of researching and making their own informed decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people just really want to talk about their kid. Divert the attention from your own kid and keep the conversation on theirs. (SNs moms often have no one else to talk to about these things.)

This is something I will try. Rather than change the subject completely I will ignore the probes about my kid and say "How is Larla doing? I am so glad to hear the things you have shared have worked out for her!" If the person comes back to obsessing about my kid I will flip it again "You mentioned doing x program for Larla. What has she liked most about it?"

Thanks!

This is good advice. My husband got a new boss a year ago and she has a son with severe ADHD. I feel for her because I know it is hard but for months she drove my husband nuts with unsolicited advice. Our child has a diagnosis with its own issues but has not much in common with ADHD. I told him to be patient with her because it’s really about her trying to figure out her own kid and wanting someone to talk to about it. She has finally realized our kids don’t have much in common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most people just really want to talk about their kid. Divert the attention from your own kid and keep the conversation on theirs. (SNs moms often have no one else to talk to about these things.)

This is something I will try. Rather than change the subject completely I will ignore the probes about my kid and say "How is Larla doing? I am so glad to hear the things you have shared have worked out for her!" If the person comes back to obsessing about my kid I will flip it again "You mentioned doing x program for Larla. What has she liked most about it?"

Thanks!

This is good advice. My husband got a new boss a year ago and she has a son with severe ADHD. I feel for her because I know it is hard but for months she drove my husband nuts with unsolicited advice. Our child has a diagnosis with its own issues but has not much in common with ADHD. I told him to be patient with her because it’s really about her trying to figure out her own kid and wanting someone to talk to about it. She has finally realized our kids don’t have much in common.

I also think there may be an aspect of feeling so out of control and ignorant when the professionals talk to them that they want to feel like the expert desperately. They just forget people spend many years getting degrees and clinical experience to be experts. Now if your kids have very similar profiles and the person asks YOU for advice, they yes, you have something to offer. Even if the kids don'thave similar profiles, but you are asked "What did you think of this doctor/ST/OT/PT?" then yes share.

[Anonymous]

PP here.

I forgot to add that my husband’s boss has never even met our kid! She just saw the pictures on his desk and launched into advice mode. Our kid really has no issues in common with hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never ever had this happen and yep, I have a kid with SNs. This is just odd. If multiple people are accosting you this way, you need to set up firm boundaries by not engaging with them.

Agree. Stop engaging it. A quick bit firm ‘we are on it’ ends most conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here.

I forgot to add that my husband’s boss has never even met our kid! She just saw the pictures on his desk and launched into advice mode. Our kid really has no issues in common with hers.

Of course she hasn't. She is now an expert and diagnose and make a plan for anyone (sarcasm). It goes the opposite way too. Had a friend the easiest baby in the world and she started to think she and her husband were the BEST parents ever. She doled out advice to so many people -sometimes unsolicited, sometimes solicited. She has enough self-awareness to now admit how obnoxious she was. Turns out that in her child's case things like rarely crying, lack of terrible 2s, etc were signs of significant delays. The child gets tons of interventions still many years later and certainly there are easy babies who have no delays, but even with he case of easy babies, that is often luck.

I

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here.

I forgot to add that my husband’s boss has never even met our kid! She just saw the pictures on his desk and launched into advice mode. Our kid really has no issues in common with hers.

Of course she hasn't. She is now an expert and diagnose and make a plan for anyone (sarcasm). It goes the opposite way too. Had a friend the easiest baby in the world and she started to think she and her husband were the BEST parents ever. She doled out advice to so many people -sometimes unsolicited, sometimes solicited. She has enough self-awareness to now admit how obnoxious she was. Turns out that in her child's case things like rarely crying, lack of terrible 2s, etc were signs of significant delays. The child gets tons of interventions still many years later and certainly there are easy babies who have no delays, but even with he case of easy babies, that is often luck.

I

Yeah, my SN child was a very easy baby, always slept through the night etc and that is because she is delayed I try to tell new parents to be glad when their newborn cries for food in the middle of the night. Or is very active exploring and making a mess of everything. Those are good signs!