Divorced Parents: How do you handle communications about travel?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I'm trying to see what's reasonable here. Divorced parents. Kid in early elementary. XH does things like taking DS out of school when he wants, for any lame travel arrangement, among other things. Another is that he'll notify me after the fact the our DS is traveling somewhere. For instance, I'll get a text at 6 that says: BTW, our son is with my (out of town) parents, and they're 2 hours away tonight. This latter thing is done on his time, so I didn't feel I had a right to complain, I did however feel that I should have been notified before DS was taken out of DC, not after.
He also doesn't let me know where DS is staying. I don't have to ask why, he makes a point of saying that he won't notify me because he doesn't want to let me know where HE (my ex) is staying, as if I care. But it's part of a game he plays that I won't get into here. Our parenting agreement explicitly states that we're both to notify 30 days in advance of travel and share DS's itinerary. He breaks that. I know that I cannot do anything if DS is in the middle of the country. BUT, it calms me to know his flight landed on time, or that he's staying in X part of town, if I hear that Y had an issue. OTOH, when I'm traveling, if I miss sharing any info, I get threatening texts that I'm "kidnapping DS" or "alienating him" or that I'm "breaking" some imaginative part of our agreement. SO, he knows to share the info, he just chooses not to. But he'll make sure to let me know I'm supposed to share it. THAT is besides the point, however. As a parent, what info do you expect from your child's other parent? What info is vital, what's nice to have, and what's unnecessary? I'd like to do a survey of others and see what's most common. TIA. |
Anonymous
| 30 days notice is absurd. I think you need to know if DC is leaving the country and otherwise it’s not your business. No skipping school for travel without other parents consent, though. |
Anonymous
Why? Most travel arrangements are made months in advance, especially to get the cheap tickets, especially for traveling abroad. So if your children are leaving the state, you don't want to know? I'm not judging, I'm curious why you don't feel the need to be aware. |
Anonymous
DP. "Leaving the state" can be a tricky standard. After all, if you live in DC, you can "leave the state" just to go to a favorite restaurant or go hiking or play laser tag. If you lived just on the other side of the Virginia or Maryland border, you could go a few hours away and still be within the state. |
Anonymous
|
"What to expect" is what the agreement says. 30 days advance notice seems a little extreme. I might make a travel plan that far in advance once a year at most.
Ours is: signed agreement if leaving the country, and 24 hours notice to leave DC/VA/MD, and that's it. Basically, if he's doing it on his time and it does not endanger the kids in some way, you might as well relax and ignore it. |
Anonymous
Op back. I don’t make arrangements months in advance. We tend to travel with long weekends in driving distance. Yes, leaving the country is different, as I stated. It doesn’t matter because if it’s on the other parents time, what difference does it make to hear it in advance? I truly don’t understand your concern, likewise with which hotel. How does it matter? |
Anonymous
sorry, meant to say this is PP back, not OP. |
Anonymous
It's why I'm asking, I want to see if I'm being unreasonable. Personally, I feel somewhat more centered knowing where my kid is. If there's an emergency, I know where to go and what to do. It could be because I also just don't trust my ex. He lost DS in the woods and the police got involved one day. Luckily it was a short thing and the kid was safe, but ....And, I didn't know about it till they came back from the SW. Not SW Waterfront to the poster who thinks I need to be notified if they left DC to go have dinner in VA. Anyway, I couldn't have just hopped on a plane and retrieved him in that case, so rationally I realize being aware of this doesn't fix it. Yet somehow, not being aware of my kid's surroundings and environment worry me. So I feel safer knowing where he is and if his plane landed, etc. But if that's not the norm, that is also good to know. |
Anonymous
| Does he allow you to call to talk to your kid? To me that's the most important thing. I dont care where you are or who you are staying with but I should be able to access my kid by phone within reason. So if he's not with them, I want notice only in so much that I want to a) know that I wont be able to talk to the kid or b) that they'll call at xyz time from xyz phone. |
Anonymous
No, sadly. But that's part of a larger issues/dynamic between us. He knows I want to talk to DS, so he doesn't allow me to. But rather than say that, he just doesn't pick up. Despite scheduled calls per our agreement. |
Anonymous
|
Well, you're Ex sounds like a real peach.
I don't think you're being unreasonable. It should be common courtesy but some parents like to play games. I would document everything he does that violates the court order, and then decide what pieces of communication are most important to you. For me, I think it would be being allowed to talk to my child per the court order. Can you give your son a phone with some finder type app on it? |
Anonymous
So, I've been thinking about the phone piece for a while, but mostly so I just can actually talk to my son on the days in the court order. I tried a flip phone one time on a trip as I was being ignored the trip before. So I got told that DS was "having too much fun to worry about lugging the phone along" and therefore it was left in the car/at home and I never got to talk to DS anyway. Knowing his dad, the kid will either not be allowed to use the phone, or will "lose" it. He's too young now. Maybe in a couple of years it will be just the thing to do to solve many issues. |
Anonymous
You need to get over it. If he's with your ex, that's where your kid is. You have no control over it.
Again, you need to get over it. If there's an emergency, your ex will handle it. You have no control over it.
This is the real problem. And again... you need to get over it. You cannot control where your ex is when he's with your child, or what he does.
I recommend therapy, massages, meditation, and bath salts. |
Anonymous
I disagree. This is stressful and a parent has a reasonable expectation of being able to reach their child or at least not be prevented from it by an ex. |
Anonymous
|
30 days is fine for major travel (flights 2+ hours) or 2 weeks for closer travel that would change your schedule. It's a courtesy for exDH to keep you filled in on travel plans, but not a necessity. However, he should be telling you if he's taking the kids out of school.
|