Divorced Parents: How do you handle communications about travel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's why I'm asking, I want to see if I'm being unreasonable. Personally, I feel somewhat more centered knowing where my kid is..

You need to get over it. If he's with your ex, that's where your kid is. You have no control over it.

Anonymous wrote:If there's an emergency, I know where to go and what to do.

Again, you need to get over it. If there's an emergency, your ex will handle it. You have no control over it.

Anonymous wrote: It could be because I also just don't trust my ex.

This is the real problem. And again... you need to get over it. You cannot control where your ex is when he's with your child, or what he does.

Anonymous wrote:Yet somehow, not being aware of my kid's surroundings and environment worry me. So I feel safer knowing where he is and if his plane landed, etc.

I recommend therapy, massages, meditation, and bath salts.

I agree with all of this. Both need to allow the child to visit the other without interference. When the child is with her she need not report anything to her ex.

OP should make sure child has a cell phone. That way she can communicate solely with child.

Otherwise, both exes need to move on imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, you're Ex sounds like a real peach.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It should be common courtesy but some parents like to play games.

I would document everything he does that violates the court order, and then decide what pieces of communication are most important to you.

For me, I think it would be being allowed to talk to my child per the court order. Can you give your son a phone with some finder type app on it?

So, I've been thinking about the phone piece for a while, but mostly so I just can actually talk to my son on the days in the court order. I tried a flip phone one time on a trip as I was being ignored the trip before. So I got told that DS was "having too much fun to worry about lugging the phone along" and therefore it was left in the car/at home and I never got to talk to DS anyway. Knowing his dad, the kid will either not be allowed to use the phone, or will "lose" it. He's too young now. Maybe in a couple of years it will be just the thing to do to solve many issues.

You need to look on Amazon etc. There are small gps trackers you could put in her backpack, or inside a stuffed animal.

Especially if you don't want to get a phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:30 days notice is absurd. I think you need to know if DC is leaving the country and otherwise it’s not your business. No skipping school for travel without other parents consent, though.

Why? Most travel arrangements are made months in advance, especially to get the cheap tickets, especially for traveling abroad. So if your children are leaving the state, you don't want to know? I'm not judging, I'm curious why you don't feel the need to be aware.

If you're booking a long trip requiring a flight, sure. If you're taking the kids out of state on a weekend, it's a ridiculous expectation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:30 days notice is absurd. I think you need to know if DC is leaving the country and otherwise it’s not your business. No skipping school for travel without other parents consent, though.

Why? Most travel arrangements are made months in advance, especially to get the cheap tickets, especially for traveling abroad. So if your children are leaving the state, you don't want to know? I'm not judging, I'm curious why you don't feel the need to be aware.

DP. "Leaving the state" can be a tricky standard. After all, if you live in DC, you can "leave the state" just to go to a favorite restaurant or go hiking or play laser tag. If you lived just on the other side of the Virginia or Maryland border, you could go a few hours away and still be within the state.

NP. Our court order specified travel in DC/MD/VA without prior notice because we had doctors in two of the three.

Beyond that, you need to have something in place about not missing school for vacations and family visits.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you deal with this, OP. I tell my ex every time I'm thinking of booking a trip to make sure he doesn't have any objections, and he does the same for me. We never have objections, although neither of us ever pull our kids out of school for anything that isn't vitally important. Is it possible if you started that kind of courtesy for him that he'd do it in return? It doesn't sound like he's that kind of guy, but in my case I set the example for my ex of how I'd like to be consulted and he pretty much follows it in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's why I'm asking, I want to see if I'm being unreasonable. Personally, I feel somewhat more centered knowing where my kid is..

You need to get over it. If he's with your ex, that's where your kid is. You have no control over it.

Anonymous wrote:If there's an emergency, I know where to go and what to do.

Again, you need to get over it. If there's an emergency, your ex will handle it. You have no control over it.

Anonymous wrote: It could be because I also just don't trust my ex.

This is the real problem. And again... you need to get over it. You cannot control where your ex is when he's with your child, or what he does.

Anonymous wrote:Yet somehow, not being aware of my kid's surroundings and environment worry me. So I feel safer knowing where he is and if his plane landed, etc.

I recommend therapy, massages, meditation, and bath salts.

I agree with all of this. Both need to allow the child to visit the other without interference. When the child is with her she need not report anything to her ex.

OP should make sure child has a cell phone. That way she can communicate solely with child.

Otherwise, both exes need to move on imo.

N
I don’t know that the phone is a good idea. This might give the OP the green light to pepper her DC whenever OP wants. And, that’s inappropriate imo considering she’s going to be imposing on her DC’s time with her dad. Cell phone might be fine if it is used sparingly and on a agreed upon schedule rather than whenever OP wants.

[Anonymous]

Document everything.
I went on trip X. I informed DH on Y date.

Tried calling DC on X, did not pick up.
Did not have contact from Y-Z
Took DC out of the area, was told on X.

Might not be able to do anything about it. But if you do end up back in court, you can bring it up

[Anonymous]

X and I have this unofficial arrangement. If either of us travels where it requires an overnight stay somewhere other than the primary residence, we tell the other and well in advance. Not for approval if it's on that parent's weekend but more as a FYI. We each know where the other one is, provide FULL access to the kids if and when needed, and generally don't keep things from each other when it comes to the kids. So, to answer your question, no I don't think it is an unreasonable expectation. If I text, he responds, and vice versa. The key is that we don't abuse it and give each other space.

For example....X is taking the kids out of town this weekend. He ran the date by me to make sure it was okay weeks in advance, we coordinated about things at my house that the kids might want, he borrowed a suitcase and iPads, I'm helping to 'prep' the kids by explaining the schedule when X picks them up, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:X and I have this unofficial arrangement. If either of us travels where it requires an overnight stay somewhere other than the primary residence, we tell the other and well in advance. Not for approval if it's on that parent's weekend but more as a FYI. We each know where the other one is, provide FULL access to the kids if and when needed, and generally don't keep things from each other when it comes to the kids. So, to answer your question, no I don't think it is an unreasonable expectation. If I text, he responds, and vice versa. The key is that we don't abuse it and give each other space.

For example....X is taking the kids out of town this weekend. He ran the date by me to make sure it was okay weeks in advance, we coordinated about things at my house that the kids might want, he borrowed a suitcase and iPads, I'm helping to 'prep' the kids by explaining the schedule when X picks them up, etc.

Yep, same with me.

[Anonymous]

I'd advise you to document document document. Losing a child in the woods to the extent that police are involved is concerning.

Meanwhile ,you should follow the agreement to the letter...but no more. So do the required informing, but not answering his crazy emails or rants. If you want to appear to be extremely reasonable, you could do a little more than is required, like reaching out or sending pictures by text when you are doing something fun, for example.

Essentially, I think your best bet is to build, over time, a case for legal custody or reduced custody IF your X is truly not reasonable and truly endangering the child.

Otherwise, I'm sorry to say that your anxiety needs to be dealt with as your issue. PLEASE consult your lawyer.

[Anonymous]

This is just one of the issues involved, but.... When you say "takes DC out of school" do you mean preschool or actual school? Because dad is soon going to get DC into trouble if dad thinks it's fine to pull DC out of anything above preschool repeatedly. Even though some parents on these forums think it's OK to take early elementary kids out whenever, because "family time matters more than school" or "travel is educational " etc., if this is any public school, the school is well aware that your child is being pulled out with more than usual frequency. Dad's selfish choices to take son out of school also will bite you when you yourself need or want to pull your child out, only to be warned that DC has had X absences already and teachers feel it's having an impact or whatever.

Your ex sounds like a game-playing PITA. Document like crazy and in detail. I'd talk to the lawyer about whether at least you can get removal from school listed as something each of you must notify the other about so he's in violation when he does it--? Sounds like he'd ignore it, though.