Money stress and forgetful teen

[Anonymous]

I'm raising two teens on one income. It's a nice income and I feel lucky, but there are financial stresses especially since one of my teens does a somewhat pricey activity. This teen also likes nice things and likes to spend $ eating out with friends. Unfortunately, this teen's activity prevents him from having a summer job so he is not able to earn money for extras (unlike his sibling who worked all summer for spending money).
So I buy him nice clothes, pay for things like homecoming, social activities, phone chargers etc. I don't mind doing this BUT here are the problems:

1. He loses things a lot (a metro card, his wallet, a $20) and wastes things (lunches come home uneaten)
2. He promises to work off money he borrows from me but then does not do the work or I have to harass him to do it
3. I try to be sympathetic and supportive but then I get fed up and stressed out. I freak out and he refuses to communicate. It's a horrible cycle.

I want to teach him to manage his money and I know I'm doing it all wrong. I also don't want him to suffer bc he's being raised by a single parent. And I don't want our relationship to suffer.

I am so stressed over money right now and I need him to take responsibility!!!

[Anonymous]

Make him budget and manage an allowance.

Here's $25 / week. Make it work. If you lose it? Too bad. If you spend it on Monday? You won't have anything for Friday, etc.

it's okay to give your kids money, but you have to teach the responsibility of managing it as well.

[Anonymous]

Can he do things like walk dogs, shovel snow, rake leaves, or mow lawns?

He might not be able to hold down a regular part time jobs, but there are ways he can earn his own money that are flexible.

From an outside perspective, it seems that you are creating the perfect situation to breed resentment between siblings, if one kid works and pays for their own things, and the other does not have to work, gets to do a time consuming (expensive perhaps) sport, gets nice clothing and other items purchased for him that the sibling has to pay for or make up the difference on, and gets spending money that the sibling earns on his or her own.

I think when you combine that with his sense of entitlement (losing things without a care for the cost or inconvenience, etc) you are really making it easy for the responsible sibling to resent him and also creating a situation where their long term relationship might be damaged.

I am not an "everything must be equal between siblings" kind of parent. I feel that everyone should get what they need, and everyone should get a little bit of special, and everyone needs to make some compromises and sacrifices for the team (family).

But what you describe seems very, very one sided and unfair to the responsible sibling.

[Anonymous]

Is his "activity" going to get him a full ride scholarship to college? Be honest with yourself.

If not, have him cut down on his hobby, and get an after school job on the weekend.

He can work Friday and/or Sat night and/or Sunday.
All my high achieving friends did. We ended up very fiscally responsible and with good jobs.

I'm in Senior management now and hire lots of newer grads. I don't hire people who didn't work some in HS and college. It teaches real world good work ethic.

[Anonymous]

OP here: His activity will lead to a career. He is very successful and high achieving but it takes up most of his free time. He genuinely works hard at it and it is physically and emotionally exhausting.

I recognize what pp is saying about siblings. However, the situations are really different. Other sib gets everything needed and more. Having spending $ is internally motivated. Maybe resentment will come out later, but there is none now and we have a really good relationship. They are just on totally different tracks.

[Anonymous]

I can't relate, OP.

We have always been strapped for cash. My teen with severe ADHD has been well aware of this since he was in elementary school, and would never dream of buying things and lunching out willy-nilly. He's 13. Every purchase is discussed and the quality/price/length of use is considered before making a decision.

You need to tell him he can't do these things. Sit him down in front of your budget and expenses and explain it all. ADHD is not an excuse. He's going to be a financially irresponsible adult if you enable him like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: His activity will lead to a career. He is very successful and high achieving but it takes up most of his free time. He genuinely works hard at it and it is physically and emotionally exhausting.

I recognize what pp is saying about siblings. However, the situations are really different. Other sib gets everything needed and more. Having spending $ is internally motivated. Maybe resentment will come out later, but there is none now and we have a really good relationship. They are just on totally different tracks.

It does not matter.

If sibling has to earn spending money and buy his own things, then star jock irresponsible sibling needs at the very least to earn his own spending money

He can mow one lawn per week and that 30 to 45 minutes will take care of his $25.00 weekly spending money.

Don't raise an entitled selfish kid who thinks everything revolves around his sport OP.

Such focus on himself and his sport does zero to build character or create a contributing adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: His activity will lead to a career. He is very successful and high achieving but it takes up most of his free time. He genuinely works hard at it and it is physically and emotionally exhausting.

I recognize what pp is saying about siblings. However, the situations are really different. Other sib gets everything needed and more. Having spending $ is internally motivated. Maybe resentment will come out later, but there is none now and we have a really good relationship. They are just on totally different tracks.

You are getting solutions, but keep making excuses.

[Anonymous]

It's not fair, OP, that one teen has to earn his spending money, while the other is engages in an activity and still gets the same spending privileges- an extracurricular is not a job.

If the activity is that valuable, you shouldn't have have other teen work- let them do an activity too then both have to live under more stringent spending rules. *Or* the teen who has the activity doesn't get the same spending privileges, because he didn't earn the money- it was given to him.

It comes across as favoritism and entitlement. I have an exceptionally talented tween too, and we live in an area where he can bag groceries for minimum wage starting at fourteen (with stringent work restrictions). He's excited to earn his own money in the summers and for a few hours on school year weekends.

As for your question about responsibility- my tween has ADHD and we do deal with him losing things or even accidentally breaking things. $20 is lost money- and he has a bank account with Christmas and grandma money. We withdraw a portion from it for egregious, irresponsible behavior- for instance, he gets a pass, or we evaluate how easily the situation could have been avoided, then make a decision. He's had to pay for coats and water bottles he loses at school, a broken laptop screen, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not fair, OP, that one teen has to earn his spending money, while the other is engages in an activity and still gets the same spending privileges- an extracurricular is not a job.

If the activity is that valuable, you shouldn't have have other teen work- let them do an activity too then both have to live under more stringent spending rules. *Or* the teen who has the activity doesn't get the same spending privileges, because he didn't earn the money- it was given to him.

It comes across as favoritism and entitlement. I have an exceptionally talented tween too, and we live in an area where he can bag groceries for minimum wage starting at fourteen (with stringent work restrictions). He's excited to earn his own money in the summers and for a few hours on school year weekends.

As for your question about responsibility- my tween has ADHD and we do deal with him losing things or even accidentally breaking things. $20 is lost money- and he has a bank account with Christmas and grandma money. We withdraw a portion from it for egregious, irresponsible behavior- for instance, he gets a pass, or we evaluate how easily the situation could have been avoided, then make a decision. He's had to pay for coats and water bottles he loses at school, a broken laptop screen, etc.

pp again- if the other teen really likes to work (and I think a job is an equally valuable experience), you should give him the same money you give your other teen (the one with the activity that could lead to a career)-- and let the working teen save his money in a bank account. You're treating them differently, even if the working teen seems okay with that. Lower the amount you give to both- eating out regularly, losing money, losing metro cards, shouldn't be an option. Set the boundary- "you lose your metro card, that is your entire allowance for the next week" kind of thing.

This will cause problems between these brothers- I know a family with two sports stars and a brother who had to pick up all of their slack. After the mom died, the brothers haven't spoken in a decade- relationship was ruined before it started. Don't do this to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't relate, OP.

We have always been strapped for cash. My teen with severe ADHD has been well aware of this since he was in elementary school, and would never dream of buying things and lunching out willy-nilly. He's 13. Every purchase is discussed and the quality/price/length of use is considered before making a decision.

You need to tell him he can't do these things. Sit him down in front of your budget and expenses and explain it all. ADHD is not an excuse. He's going to be a financially irresponsible adult if you enable him like this.

I literally can't figure out how to do this without putting my $ stress on him (not fair) or being a lunch Nazi ("Why didn't you eat your sandwich??!")

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: His activity will lead to a career. He is very successful and high achieving but it takes up most of his free time. He genuinely works hard at it and it is physically and emotionally exhausting.

I recognize what pp is saying about siblings. However, the situations are really different. Other sib gets everything needed and more. Having spending $ is internally motivated. Maybe resentment will come out later, but there is none now and we have a really good relationship. They are just on totally different tracks.

You are getting solutions, but keep making excuses.

Was trying to fill in the details. It's hard to give all the relevant info in the initial post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't relate, OP.

We have always been strapped for cash. My teen with severe ADHD has been well aware of this since he was in elementary school, and would never dream of buying things and lunching out willy-nilly. He's 13. Every purchase is discussed and the quality/price/length of use is considered before making a decision.

You need to tell him he can't do these things. Sit him down in front of your budget and expenses and explain it all. ADHD is not an excuse. He's going to be a financially irresponsible adult if you enable him like this.

I literally can't figure out how to do this without putting my $ stress on him (not fair) or being a lunch Nazi ("Why didn't you eat your sandwich??!")

Wow.
You can call it "stress" or "managing with the money you have".
Your attitude is very telling here.
You need to stop looking at this negatively and view it as a learning experience: if your teen is older, YOU ARE DOING HIM A DISSERVICE by hiding these things, as if they were shameful. They are these things only if you twist them that way in your mind.
Anxiety meds might be helpful for you, OP.
Do your job as a parent and teach your kids how to manage money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't relate, OP.

We have always been strapped for cash. My teen with severe ADHD has been well aware of this since he was in elementary school, and would never dream of buying things and lunching out willy-nilly. He's 13. Every purchase is discussed and the quality/price/length of use is considered before making a decision.

You need to tell him he can't do these things. Sit him down in front of your budget and expenses and explain it all. ADHD is not an excuse. He's going to be a financially irresponsible adult if you enable him like this.

I literally can't figure out how to do this without putting my $ stress on him (not fair) or being a lunch Nazi ("Why didn't you eat your sandwich??!")

Wow.
You can call it "stress" or "managing with the money you have".
Your attitude is very telling here.
You need to stop looking at this negatively and view it as a learning experience: if your teen is older, YOU ARE DOING HIM A DISSERVICE by hiding these things, as if they were shameful. They are these things only if you twist them that way in your mind.
Anxiety meds might be helpful for you, OP.
Do your job as a parent and teach your kids how to manage money.

You think it's a disservice not to sit a 13 year old down with an adult budget?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: His activity will lead to a career. He is very successful and high achieving but it takes up most of his free time. He genuinely works hard at it and it is physically and emotionally exhausting.

I recognize what pp is saying about siblings. However, the situations are really different. Other sib gets everything needed and more. Having spending $ is internally motivated. Maybe resentment will come out later, but there is none now and we have a really good relationship. They are just on totally different tracks.

Hmm. What is this activity that will lead to a career? Something in IT? App development? Good god I hope it's not acting or painting.