Money stress and forgetful teen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't relate, OP.

We have always been strapped for cash. My teen with severe ADHD has been well aware of this since he was in elementary school, and would never dream of buying things and lunching out willy-nilly. He's 13. Every purchase is discussed and the quality/price/length of use is considered before making a decision.

You need to tell him he can't do these things. Sit him down in front of your budget and expenses and explain it all. ADHD is not an excuse. He's going to be a financially irresponsible adult if you enable him like this.

I literally can't figure out how to do this without putting my $ stress on him (not fair) or being a lunch Nazi ("Why didn't you eat your sandwich??!")

It is unfair for you to do what you are doing.

[Anonymous]

You are a PARENT. It’s your job to be a lunch Nazi if money is tight.

I like the idea of an allowance. Also if he loses something he doesn’t get a replacement. He can wait and ask for it for his birthday or Christmas.

YOU understand the value of a dollar but you’re not raising your kids to. You may not have a lot of money and they may not be spoiled like a lot of kids when you think of “spoiled,” but within your means, you’re spoiling them.

[Anonymous]

This has to be a troll thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't relate, OP.

We have always been strapped for cash. My teen with severe ADHD has been well aware of this since he was in elementary school, and would never dream of buying things and lunching out willy-nilly. He's 13. Every purchase is discussed and the quality/price/length of use is considered before making a decision.

You need to tell him he can't do these things. Sit him down in front of your budget and expenses and explain it all. ADHD is not an excuse. He's going to be a financially irresponsible adult if you enable him like this.

I literally can't figure out how to do this without putting my $ stress on him (not fair) or being a lunch Nazi ("Why didn't you eat your sandwich??!")

Wow.
You can call it "stress" or "managing with the money you have".
Your attitude is very telling here.
You need to stop looking at this negatively and view it as a learning experience: if your teen is older, YOU ARE DOING HIM A DISSERVICE by hiding these things, as if they were shameful. They are these things only if you twist them that way in your mind.
Anxiety meds might be helpful for you, OP.
Do your job as a parent and teach your kids how to manage money.

You think it's a disservice not to sit a 13 year old down with an adult budget?

If he is just 13 you are putting a lot of your eggs into this one basket.

Teaching him to manage money will do far more for him than this sport will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: His activity will lead to a career. He is very successful and high achieving but it takes up most of his free time. He genuinely works hard at it and it is physically and emotionally exhausting.

I recognize what pp is saying about siblings. However, the situations are really different. Other sib gets everything needed and more. Having spending $ is internally motivated. Maybe resentment will come out later, but there is none now and we have a really good relationship. They are just on totally different tracks.

Hmm. What is this activity that will lead to a career? Something in IT? App development? Good god I hope it's not acting or painting.

Acting will not eat up all his time.

It must be a sport.

Or perhaps ballet, but even that will allow time for earning money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't relate, OP.

We have always been strapped for cash. My teen with severe ADHD has been well aware of this since he was in elementary school, and would never dream of buying things and lunching out willy-nilly. He's 13. Every purchase is discussed and the quality/price/length of use is considered before making a decision.

You need to tell him he can't do these things. Sit him down in front of your budget and expenses and explain it all. ADHD is not an excuse. He's going to be a financially irresponsible adult if you enable him like this.

I literally can't figure out how to do this without putting my $ stress on him (not fair) or being a lunch Nazi ("Why didn't you eat your sandwich??!")

Wow.
You can call it "stress" or "managing with the money you have".
Your attitude is very telling here.
You need to stop looking at this negatively and view it as a learning experience: if your teen is older, YOU ARE DOING HIM A DISSERVICE by hiding these things, as if they were shameful. They are these things only if you twist them that way in your mind.
Anxiety meds might be helpful for you, OP.
Do your job as a parent and teach your kids how to manage money.

You think it's a disservice not to sit a 13 year old down with an adult budget?

And you have reading comprehension problems. Refer to the bolded.
My children were exposed early on, in elementary, to the need for budgeting. I recall I did show my oldest (7 at the time) our real budget the year my husband could not find a job in his highly specialized field. A 13 year old can understand an adult budget without stressing: why would they stress unless you can't get your own stress under control and unless you're financially screwed? Asking someone to cut down on discretionary spending should not be a stressful conversation, right? It's not as if you couldn't afford life-saving medication or a roof over your head. Most families don't feel the need to share with young children because they don't need to, and that's fine.
I have stated it is a disservice to OLDER teens to not show them a real budget and discuss. That is a practical life skill they need to have before they leave your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has to be a troll thread.

I wish I were a troll. This is something I'm really struggling with.

[Anonymous]

OP, you understand that you threw a monkey wrench into the conversation by mentioning that one teen works for spending money and the other works at an activity that *you* pay for and seems irresponsible and entitled about money?

The answer is the the less entitled teen gets to bank his money, all spending money dips down, and they both get the same smaller amount with some life lessons attached.

Also, for the teen who gets to bank his work money- talk with him about investments, compound interest, financial independence, etc. With that kind of learning he may be far more financially successful than the teen with the special activity.

[Anonymous]

I don't know why people are being so mean, OP. I know things can be overwhelming when you're in the thick of it. It's always simpler from outside!

Here's what I suggest:

1) set a basic budget and give him a debit card with that. Make sure he has the right supports so that he will not lose the debit card or his metro card (e.g., is he just sticking them in his back pocket? Or does he have a place in his backpack for those things?). I am distractible and I find that I need a place for things or they get lost. Help him with that advance planning.

2) Any extra money must be earned, either by doing stuff for neighbors (mowing lawns), or doing things to make your life easier. My kids have basic chores, but then I pay them extra for extra things (cleaning the windows, extra vacuuming, detailing the car, shoveling snow...I'm trying to add "making a nutritious dinner while mom is at work").

And I think you need to let the uneaten sandwich thing go. I know it's frustrating. See if there's something else he'd rather eat, or see if he'll eat it as an after-school snack if he's not hungry at lunch time. But you can't really micromanage a teen's eating. He'll be more likely to eat the lunch if he understands he doesn't have unlimited funds for pizza and burgers after school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: His activity will lead to a career. He is very successful and high achieving but it takes up most of his free time. He genuinely works hard at it and it is physically and emotionally exhausting.

I recognize what pp is saying about siblings. However, the situations are really different. Other sib gets everything needed and more. Having spending $ is internally motivated. Maybe resentment will come out later, but there is none now and we have a really good relationship. They are just on totally different tracks.

Hmm. What is this activity that will lead to a career? Something in IT? App development? Good god I hope it's not acting or painting.

Acting will not eat up all his time.

It must be a sport.

Or perhaps ballet, but even that will allow time for earning money.

He goes to high school- commute 30-45 min each way. Activity is 4 hours/day. Then homework. He needs 9 hours of sleep/night. Weekends, activity takes up 2-4 hours a day each day plus it's physically demanding so he's exhausted. I do let him have a social life in the few remaining hours. Yes, I could force him to work but he does chores around the house and that seems like enough right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why people are being so mean, OP. I know things can be overwhelming when you're in the thick of it. It's always simpler from outside!

Here's what I suggest:

1) set a basic budget and give him a debit card with that. Make sure he has the right supports so that he will not lose the debit card or his metro card (e.g., is he just sticking them in his back pocket? Or does he have a place in his backpack for those things?). I am distractible and I find that I need a place for things or they get lost. Help him with that advance planning.

2) Any extra money must be earned, either by doing stuff for neighbors (mowing lawns), or doing things to make your life easier. My kids have basic chores, but then I pay them extra for extra things (cleaning the windows, extra vacuuming, detailing the car, shoveling snow...I'm trying to add "making a nutritious dinner while mom is at work").

And I think you need to let the uneaten sandwich thing go. I know it's frustrating. See if there's something else he'd rather eat, or see if he'll eat it as an after-school snack if he's not hungry at lunch time. But you can't really micromanage a teen's eating. He'll be more likely to eat the lunch if he understands he doesn't have unlimited funds for pizza and burgers after school.

Thank you so much for your kind and helpful response!!! I really appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

Give both teens a comparable weekly or monthly allowance that allows them to pay for a reasonable amount of "nice clothes,...things like homecoming, social activities, phone chargers" etc.

Both teens have the opportunity now to do things that will benefit their own lives in the future. Teen who works should be able to save that money (if desired) to save, invest, pay for future car, etc. Teen who doesn't work has an expensive hobby that could parlay into an income later. But it is his choice not to work now and save his money. He shouldn't be coddled, and his sibling shouldn't be penalized for working.

Benefits of a clear allowance, which can be used to make a budget:

1. He will learn to lose things less and waste things less. (I wouldn't ride him too heard about the lunch, because he could always just throw it out at school so you'll stop nagging. But why is he not eating it--is it because he's buying junk at school? If he keeps doing that, that's a financial choice he'll be making with his own money.

2. You won't be lending him extra money, so you won't have to hassle him about repaying it or working it off. He wants phone charger? He can save for it or put it on his Christmas list. There's nothing he needs now that requires loans.

3. You remove the emotion from the money. You don't need to vacillate between being supportive and being frustrated. Instead, you can be supportive 100% of the time. "Oh, you spent all your money for the week and can't attend a movie with your friends? That sucks. Feel free to invite your friends over to watch a movie here instead."

[Anonymous]

When he brings home the uneaten lunch, is it because he bought lunch, or because he skipped lunch?

If his activity is a sport, ask the coach to explain the importance of nutrition to the kids, and then work with your son to figure out what works for him. For my sports-playing teenage daughter, that got her to agree to an apple plus a cheese stick for lunch. It's not ideal, but it's better than skipping it entirely.

As for the money, do you give both children the same allowance, or does only your non-working child get an allowance? You need to be equitable, so unless your working child is getting some other benefit, that is a potential problem.

You don't have to make money and budgeting stressful for kids. It's as simple as "this is what we have, this is where it's going. We have no problem meeting the basics and having some left over, but we don't have a lot left over. So when I give you $20 for pizza, there really isn't another $20 where that one came from." If you're in the position of having to skip bills because you can't pay them, it can be stressful and I'd avoid sharing that with a young teen, but for a workable, but tight, budget there's no reason not to share.

[Anonymous]

He is skipping his lunch. He carpools with another family that buys him fast food after activity. I know he needs proper nutrition to avoid injury. We've discussed it. He doesn't care. I ask him what he wants for lunch. He usually says he doesn't care. I buy things I think he'll like. He eats them sometimes. Other times I dump them in the garbage. Frustrating.
Here's the thing and I know few people will understand this, but here it is. He IS super entitled. My behavior is going to have little impact on that. I want to preserve our relationship (and my sanity), but I don't have any illusions that putting him on a budget is going to make him less entitled (tried it).
Also, for those worried about his brother, brother does get an allowance. He never asks for it. I also spend money on brother. Brother will get a car while entitled child will not bc he won't need one due to the activity. Yeah. Kids are different and have different needs.

[Anonymous]

It does not sound like you want practical advice OP.