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secretly afraid - what if it's a boy?
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Anonymous
| We are expecting our first and will find out the sex of the baby next week, and a part of me is afraid how I will react if it is a boy. I'm sure if it is I will love him just as much as any girl. But in my family growing up, boys were heavily favored and it hurt me greatly. I've had years of therapy to deal with this and thought I was past this, but here I am at 4 am, unable to sleep, so I guess not. I think about all the adjustments and sacrifices I will be making when the baby is here and the idea of doing all that for a boy brings up feelings of subservience. I don't feel that way when I think about a girl. I'm so ashamed of feeling this way that I haven't talked to my husband, or anyone, about this. I needed to get it out there so here it is. If anyone else feels this way, or has any advice, I'd love to hear it. |
Anonymous
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I think you do need to discuss this with your husband and explain where you are coming from.
I also think that you need to look at this from a position of power. Whether a boy or a girl you will be this child's mother. You are going to be the most important person in this child's life for many years and with that comes the ability to have great influence on how he/she views the world. Boy or girl you have the opportunity to teach this child how to treat all people equally. You get to be his/her role model for a powerful woman. Motherhood is a tough job and the first few months are very physically demanding. It is totally natural to have some feelings of resentment from time to time during that period. I just want you to know this since even if it is a boy, your resentment at that time may come from you just being exhausted, not because he is a boy. |
Anonymous
| Don't feel ashamed. I think most people (not all) prefer a gender over another, no matter the reason. I really wanted a boy and was afraid it would be a girl. My mom had a hard relationship with her mom, mine was good until I got older and my mom's own issues with hers came out. I feared I'd have a girl and that cycle would start over. I have a boy and he's lots of fun! If you have a boy, he'll be your boy. You can raise him the way you want, treat him like an equal and not a favored person. I'm now expecting number 2 and still a little worried it'll be a girl. I feel guilty thinking that especially because everyone now is saying, oh, hopefully this one will be a girl. Whatever your baby is, you will love it no matter what! |
Anonymous
Some people choose not to find out for fear that the knowledge of the baby's sex will distance them from the baby. Once the baby is born, he or she is more tangible, less theoretical, and his or her sex seems much less relevant than, "oh how amazing, we have a new member of the family! And how in the world do we feed it/change it/get it to sleep?!?" |
Anonymous
| i felt the same way as you do. i really wanted a girl, bc of the favoritism of boys growing up in my house. i found out i was having a boy. i cried for a few days. but slowly, i started thinking of my little boy, and how he'll be. it took a few weeks, but now he is my little boy (well, almost...he needs to be born first!). i still want a little girl, and hopefully i will have one some day. and remember, like the other's have said, you can raise a boy to be sweet and caring and treat men and women equally. |
Anonymous
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I understand. I really wanted a girl and found out I was having a boy. For me, finding out early really helped me come to terms with it. I have a lot of "man" issues that I have worked out decently, but I have always been afraid I would unconsciously let it out on a son.
I think everyone has to cope with this in their own way. Once I found out and took a couple weeks to adjust, I bought a great book recommended to me called The Wonder of Boys, which really helps women with issues similar to MINE focus on having a "sinless" son and loving him despite the greater problems with maleness in this society. Obviously you will love him no matter what, but definitely engage that issue some before he comes.. and I really suggest that book! |
Anonymous
| 10:37 here - I just wanted to clarify that sinless didn't mean in a religious sense... but a broader sense. |
Anonymous
| With my second pregnancy, I really wanted a girl (already had a boy at home), and was really afraid of finding out it was a boy. And, turns out, it was a boy. I was briefly disappointed (and it's really hard to admit you're disappointed, but I was). But then, through the magic that is your hormones or maternal instinct or whatever makes us love these little bundles of screams and poop, I really started loving my unborn boy, even though he wasn't what I thought I wanted. The disappointment lingered for a while - I won't pretend that it didn't - but it is okay to feel that - it's a legitimate emotion! I must say now that I look at my two boys and absolutely cannot imagine them being anything other than exactly what and who they are. They're perfect in every way - even though they're not what I thought I'd ordered. You will love your child, boy or girl, because once he or she is born, you'll be so in love with the little creature that you'll have a hard time remembering why you were ever concerned. |
Anonymous
This was a big reason we didn't find out. Why find out if you might be disappointed? I think any disappointment is going to disappear (or disappear much more quickly) if you wait until birth to find out. |
Anonymous
| I totally understand. I find out what #2 is next week (already have a boy whom I love dearly) and am really hoping for a girl this time. I had a wonderful relationship with my mother & would like that kind of bond again. I am convinced I will have 2 boys & I will be happy with that, but secretly I really, really wish for a girl. |
Anonymous
It depends on your personality. I wanted to find out early so I could come to terms long before the birth, which I did. Any disappointment fades soon enough as you get excited about the child you are going to have. |
Anonymous
| In case you haven't made up your mind about finding out, I would just go ahead and find out. If it's a girl, you can move on and not worry about these issues right now (unless they are impacting other aspects of your life, in which case they should probably be addressed). If it's a boy, you'll have about five months to come to terms with this, talk things over with your husband, seek counseling if needed and hopefully grow towards loving your little boy as much as you would a little girl. |
Anonymous
very good point! |
Anonymous
| We just found out #2 is a boy (#1 is a girl) and I've been stunned by how many people congratulate me on it, like I've won the lottery, or it's what I MUST have wanted. I really had no preference, and definitely didn't get this with #1. And FWIW, these are people who already knew I was pregnant, so I'm sure it's the gender their congratulating me on. What gives? |
Anonymous
I think you are misreading them. They have to say something in response to gender so they are enthusiastic about it. They would be enthusiastic about a girl too. It is genuine congratulations but not meant to disparage the other gender. Perhaps some of them are congratulating you on having one of each, which is a preference a lot of people have. |