middle school just sucks for girls

[Anonymous]

My daughter is in 6th. I thought things were going so soothly. She entered school with a group of about 6 good friends, including a best buddy.
Turns out her best friend of K-5 has been excluding her in events and lying about it after the fact when she "needs" my daughter as a friend again.

My daughter is crushed. It happened once and we wrote it off as a misunderstanding. It just happened again and we both know the friend was lying.
Why oh why are girls so mean?

We have been having a lot of conversations about what true friendship is. I'm encouraging her again and again to try to branch out and find new friendships.
I think we're getting there but it's a slow process to convince a 6th grader of these things.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it does. Encourage your DD to form other friendships. Be careful though - most kids in MS go through a period of distancing themselves from old friends. Your DD may become the mean friend before this is over.

[Anonymous]

That stinks I'm sorry some girls have such a bad experience in MS. Definitely encourage her to look for new friends. My DD (now in 8th) has stayed BFFs with the two girls who have been her closest friends since 2nd grade but they have also added two new girls to her core group and also like to look for girls who are eating alone and invite them to join them at lunch.

[Anonymous]

It;s not just middle school. It may help to read up on relational aggression (a from of bullying) so that your daughter can develop some skills to handle it...sadly it continues well past middle school:

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/surviving-relational-aggression-tips-for-adults-and-girls-0315174

[Anonymous]

That stinks but middle school doesn't suck for everyone. I set my daughter up to have several different groups of friends so that if there happened to be a falling out with one group, she wasn't friend-less.

So if there was a sleepover with her core group that she somehow wasn't invited to, she just made plans with a friend from a different school for that night.

[Anonymous]

6th grade is full of change over among friends. One of my boys went through the same thing. It was very difficult. Encourage her to join extracurricular clubs so she can find new friends who share her interests.

It does get better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is in 6th. I thought things were going so soothly. She entered school with a group of about 6 good friends, including a best buddy.
Turns out her best friend of K-5 has been excluding her in events and lying about it after the fact when she "needs" my daughter as a friend again.

My daughter is crushed. It happened once and we wrote it off as a misunderstanding. It just happened again and we both know the friend was lying.
Why oh why are girls so mean?

We have been having a lot of conversations about what true friendship is. I'm encouraging her again and again to try to branch out and find new friendships.
I think we're getting there but it's a slow process to convince a 6th grader of these things.

Happening to my 7th grader at the moment. I am keeping her busy and finding alternate interests. Saw my older one go through this and did same and she is happy in high school. Read Queen Bees and Wannabes as well as Untangled. Good advice hugs to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That stinks but middle school doesn't suck for everyone. I set my daughter up to have several different groups of friends so that if there happened to be a falling out with one group, she wasn't friend-less.

So if there was a sleepover with her core group that she somehow wasn't invited to, she just made plans with a friend from a different school for that night.

That's great, but it's not that simple for everyone. Outside activities are wonderful but they don't always lead to friendships (sleepovers, etc...) outside the activity. That means a child who finds themselves outside their friend group at school (where they spend a lot of time) can experience some very lonely times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is in 6th. I thought things were going so soothly. She entered school with a group of about 6 good friends, including a best buddy.
Turns out her best friend of K-5 has been excluding her in events and lying about it after the fact when she "needs" my daughter as a friend again.

My daughter is crushed. It happened once and we wrote it off as a misunderstanding. It just happened again and we both know the friend was lying.
Why oh why are girls so mean?

We have been having a lot of conversations about what true friendship is. I'm encouraging her again and again to try to branch out and find new friendships.
I think we're getting there but it's a slow process to convince a 6th grader of these things.

I’m sorry this is happening. Are you sure it was intentional that she was excluding her? Maybe she could just invite a few friends? My daughter has many different friends not all in one group and that seems to help avoid some of these issues. Does your daughter have any different interest and could she join an activity at school that maybe she could branch out and meet some new friends? Are there any new girls in the grade maybe you can host a few of them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That stinks I'm sorry some girls have such a bad experience in MS. Definitely encourage her to look for new friends. My DD (now in 8th) has stayed BFFs with the two girls who have been her closest friends since 2nd grade but they have also added two new girls to her core group and also like to look for girls who are eating alone and invite them to join them at lunch.

This is very nice of them. For the others who are looking for friends, there are always kids sitting alone who would like to have someone to eat with. Try being invisible most of MS. That truly sucks.

[Anonymous]

It really does suck. My DD was fine last year in 6th grade but 7th has been so.much.drama.

[Anonymous]

I really don't think what's happening is meanness. When kids are young, they tend to just stick with the kids they have always known. Once they get to middle school, they start hanging out with people they have more in common with as opposed to those from their neighborhood or whose parents are friends with theirs....It's a natural progression. Sometimes they just don't know how to navigate the transition. I say this as someone with a DC who was the old friend being excluded. Just tell you DD it's natural for friends to start changing at this age and it doesn't make either party a bad person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That stinks but middle school doesn't suck for everyone. I set my daughter up to have several different groups of friends so that if there happened to be a falling out with one group, she wasn't friend-less.

So if there was a sleepover with her core group that she somehow wasn't invited to, she just made plans with a friend from a different school for that night.

That's great, but it's not that simple for everyone. Outside activities are wonderful but they don't always lead to friendships (sleepovers, etc...) outside the activity. That means a child who finds themselves outside their friend group at school (where they spend a lot of time) can experience some very lonely times.

I pushed to help DD form those friendships, and also, despite her being at a very small middle school I pushed her to have multiple friend groups within it. So she had friends from elementary, three friend groups in middle, friends from ice skating, and friends from camp. It's not that hard.

[Anonymous]

My daughter is going to middle school next year...I am dreading it. Does ANYONE actually like middle school and have a positive social experience?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't think what's happening is meanness. When kids are young, they tend to just stick with the kids they have always known. Once they get to middle school, they start hanging out with people they have more in common with as opposed to those from their neighborhood or whose parents are friends with theirs....It's a natural progression. Sometimes they just don't know how to navigate the transition. I say this as someone with a DC who was the old friend being excluded. Just tell you DD it's natural for friends to start changing at this age and it doesn't make either party a bad person.

I agree with this. The idea that our kids are going to meet their lifelong best friends in elementary school and/or stay with the same group is not always realistic or even healthy for most kids.

Yes, they sometimes handle the transitions poorly. But try to help them focus on the fact that new friendships will form and these will likely be based on connecting with other kids they have things in common with or who they frankly, just like better. The whole one door closes, another one opens idea.

But yes, it's very painful.