Physical SN - How to transition away from a big sports focus

[Anonymous]

DD has physical SN that prevent her muscles from working to their full extent. We've tried not to limit her in terms of what she can do, as she is able to walk, run, jump, etc... but at age 5, she's starting to realize that she can't keep up with her friends at school. Often during games she is outrun or not picked, and she tends to fall down more often than others. And, of course, she loves playing sports.

We work closely with her doctors and therapists and they encourage her to continue her physical activity as much as she'd like, but I struggle with seeing her constantly get her feelings hurt. Part of me doesn't want to limit her at all, but another part of me just wishes she wasn't so into sports. I'd like to try to gently steer her towards other activities, but don't want her to think it's because she can't play sports.

Any advice from others on this?

[Anonymous]

Individual sports may help. Personal bests are the goals. Swimming, walking/running, even fencing or tennis may work out depending how how she progresses. There is a program in many elementary schools called Girls on the Run and that may be an activity for her.

[Anonymous]

If she is likely to remain small, crews need coxswains and that may help her do a sport too - in HS.

[Anonymous]

If she loves sports - have her play softball / baseball. There is not as much running and her interest in sports will take her far.

Also - can she do something like skating?

[Anonymous]

Yes, try individual sports. My son is 10 and no longer able to keep up in team sports because even rec leagues tend to be self selecting for more athletic kids at his age. He goes to a "ninja gym" now and it is fantastic.

Martial arts and gymnastics are other ideas to try. PP had good ones as well.

[Anonymous]

Op, let her play what she wants. Her frustrations from time to time is building resilience b/c she's choosing what she likes to do. If she wants to call it quits and try individual sports or other activities, then fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, let her play what she wants. Her frustrations from time to time is building resilience b/c she's choosing what she likes to do. If she wants to call it quits and try individual sports or other activities, then fine.

I think this is easier said than done. My DS w/significant motor planning delays gets really upset when he's last. I'm not sure that "always being the slowest kid" really builds the kind of resilience that's healthy. But, he pretty quickly concluded that he "hates soccer" so I never had to deal with steering him away from anything. I think it's OK if OP wants to let her DD figure this out on her own, but not at the expense of her self-esteem or spending time on other activities that are good for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, let her play what she wants. Her frustrations from time to time is building resilience b/c she's choosing what she likes to do. If she wants to call it quits and try individual sports or other activities, then fine.

I think this is easier said than done. My DS w/significant motor planning delays gets really upset when he's last. I'm not sure that "always being the slowest kid" really builds the kind of resilience that's healthy. But, he pretty quickly concluded that he "hates soccer" so I never had to deal with steering him away from anything. I think it's OK if OP wants to let her DD figure this out on her own, but not at the expense of her self-esteem or spending time on other activities that are good for her.

Another thought ... I think that in general, our expectations of kids have shifted way younger than is appropriate. The maturity to just play sports for fun (even though you're bad or even the worst) is not something you can really expect of a FIVE year old. I have fond memories of the HS and college sports teams I was on even thought I was horrible (maybe not the absolute worst, but close to it). But that's only because my self image didn't depend on being good at sports at all, and I was mature enough to just be doing it for fun (and know to stop when I realized I literally was not contributing anything to the team).

[Anonymous]

She’s 5. If she enjoys sports let her play sports. It sounds like your concern is more about disappointment you fear she may encounter in the future than her actually not having fun right now. But it’s not a parent’s job to protect their children from disappointment.

In the future if it seems appropriate you could consider special olympics. But it sounds like your daughter may be able to play fine for many years in regular activities, she may just not be the best at them. There’s Nothing wrong with not being the best as long as she’s having fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, let her play what she wants. Her frustrations from time to time is building resilience b/c she's choosing what she likes to do. If she wants to call it quits and try individual sports or other activities, then fine.

I think this is easier said than done. My DS w/significant motor planning delays gets really upset when he's last. I'm not sure that "always being the slowest kid" really builds the kind of resilience that's healthy. But, he pretty quickly concluded that he "hates soccer" so I never had to deal with steering him away from anything. I think it's OK if OP wants to let her DD figure this out on her own, but not at the expense of her self-esteem or spending time on other activities that are good for her.

Every kid is different. Your kid gets really upset whereas the op's kid is "just starting to realize" she can't always keep up with her peers. Not a big deal. The op is trying to preemptively shield her from something that may never be a problem.

Op, I had a friend who lost an arm from the elbow down as a child and went on to play on the high school basketball team. No prosthetic. This would never have happened if the parents were worried about potential disappointment or frustration on learning to play one handed.

Just let your kid develop into who she wants to be. If she's interested in something, let her try. Don't stop her before she even tries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, let her play what she wants. Her frustrations from time to time is building resilience b/c she's choosing what she likes to do. If she wants to call it quits and try individual sports or other activities, then fine.

I think this is easier said than done. My DS w/significant motor planning delays gets really upset when he's last. I'm not sure that "always being the slowest kid" really builds the kind of resilience that's healthy. But, he pretty quickly concluded that he "hates soccer" so I never had to deal with steering him away from anything. I think it's OK if OP wants to let her DD figure this out on her own, but not at the expense of her self-esteem or spending time on other activities that are good for her.

Every kid is different. Your kid gets really upset whereas the op's kid is "just starting to realize" she can't always keep up with her peers. Not a big deal. The op is trying to preemptively shield her from something that may never be a problem.

Op, I had a friend who lost an arm from the elbow down as a child and went on to play on the high school basketball team. No prosthetic. This would never have happened if the parents were worried about potential disappointment or frustration on learning to play one handed.

Just let your kid develop into who she wants to be. If she's interested in something, let her try. Don't stop her before she even tries.

NP. Well, if you've never walked the walk of the SN parent, it's hard to take your advice seriously. That's nice about your friend, but trust me, those Hallmark movie moments don't happen often in real life. In the OP Op mentions how her daughter often has her feelings hurt. You have no way to assess if she is "building resilience". Kids with SN have opportunities to fail ALL THE TIME. Platitudes about allowing them to fail to build resilience really doesn't apply. We don't have to find opportunities for it to happen to them.

OP, I think you are right to be concerned. Why don't you do both, allow her to choose some group sports, but also steer her toward some individual activities she can have success with as an individual. Because if you wait until she quits the other sports on her own it may be hard to undue the damage of her seeing herself as someone who "failed" at the group sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, let her play what she wants. Her frustrations from time to time is building resilience b/c she's choosing what she likes to do. If she wants to call it quits and try individual sports or other activities, then fine.

I think this is easier said than done. My DS w/significant motor planning delays gets really upset when he's last. I'm not sure that "always being the slowest kid" really builds the kind of resilience that's healthy. But, he pretty quickly concluded that he "hates soccer" so I never had to deal with steering him away from anything. I think it's OK if OP wants to let her DD figure this out on her own, but not at the expense of her self-esteem or spending time on other activities that are good for her.

Every kid is different. Your kid gets really upset whereas the op's kid is "just starting to realize" she can't always keep up with her peers. Not a big deal. The op is trying to preemptively shield her from something that may never be a problem.

Op, I had a friend who lost an arm from the elbow down as a child and went on to play on the high school basketball team. No prosthetic. This would never have happened if the parents were worried about potential disappointment or frustration on learning to play one handed.

Just let your kid develop into who she wants to be. If she's interested in something, let her try. Don't stop her before she even tries.

A limb amputation is not the same thing as a disorder that impacts balance, coordination, and endurance. Not all kids are Hallmark success stories. And all the research on "grit" is fake anyway. Kids should be encouraged to be resilient, but letting them fail over and over when they are not old enough to develop coping skills is not good parenting.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if she would benefit from a place like Fitness for Health in Rockville?

[Anonymous]

OP I was your daughter as a child. I never played sports past an early age due do embarrassment and fear of getting hurt. I do wish I had tried a wider range of activities when I was younger (dance, martial arts?) if financially feasible a few private lessons would probably help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, let her play what she wants. Her frustrations from time to time is building resilience b/c she's choosing what she likes to do. If she wants to call it quits and try individual sports or other activities, then fine.

I think this is easier said than done. My DS w/significant motor planning delays gets really upset when he's last. I'm not sure that "always being the slowest kid" really builds the kind of resilience that's healthy. But, he pretty quickly concluded that he "hates soccer" so I never had to deal with steering him away from anything. I think it's OK if OP wants to let her DD figure this out on her own, but not at the expense of her self-esteem or spending time on other activities that are good for her.

Every kid is different. Your kid gets really upset whereas the op's kid is "just starting to realize" she can't always keep up with her peers. Not a big deal. The op is trying to preemptively shield her from something that may never be a problem.

Op, I had a friend who lost an arm from the elbow down as a child and went on to play on the high school basketball team. No prosthetic. This would never have happened if the parents were worried about potential disappointment or frustration on learning to play one handed.

Just let your kid develop into who she wants to be. If she's interested in something, let her try. Don't stop her before she even tries.

NP. Well, if you've never walked the walk of the SN parent, it's hard to take your advice seriously. That's nice about your friend, but trust me, those Hallmark movie moments don't happen often in real life. In the OP Op mentions how her daughter often has her feelings hurt. You have no way to assess if she is "building resilience". Kids with SN have opportunities to fail ALL THE TIME. Platitudes about allowing them to fail to build resilience really doesn't apply. We don't have to find opportunities for it to happen to them.

OP, I think you are right to be concerned. Why don't you do both, allow her to choose some group sports, but also steer her toward some individual activities she can have success with as an individual. Because if you wait until she quits the other sports on her own it may be hard to undue the damage of her seeing herself as someone who "failed" at the group sports.

My kid has developmental coordination disorder. Major physical SN. So yes, I think the op is letting HER anxiety hold her kid back.