Feeling really lost

[Anonymous]

I am really struggling. I am 44 and appear to be in early menopause (zero period for almost a year, not pregnant). I have been told that the average woman goes through menopause around age 51 so this is definitely early. I work FT and have three children - and I love them more than anything. I feel really unhappy though. I love my husband but I am not in love with him anymore. I don't know if it's the SSRI I am taking or perhaps the posts I see on Facebook from a friend from college but she divorced her husband (or is in the midst of divorcing him) and says she is enjoying dating and butterflies with new people.

I realized that weekends are some of my most "down" times because I don't really want to be spending time with my spouse. It makes me feel like a horrible human being. My parents were not a good example of a happy marriage. I didn't have a real boyfriend in high school. I met my husband right out of college and I can clearly - at age 44 - see I married the first guy I thought I had a connection with. It's like there are two different versions of me though. The woman when my hormones were okay and the woman when they weren't.

I am trying to keep it together and be a good employee and a good Mom and keep up my house in the suburbs and pay the bills and I just think "is this a mid-life crisis". I recently saw a friend and her cousin was visiting and seriously - I wanted to GRAB the cousin. He looked at me like I was beautiful and funny. I KNOW people say that you have to work on your marriage but I am just not in love with my husband anymore and I don't know if any conversations or time together will make me feel like I am in love again. I am not the person I was when I met him at 22. I find myself turning into a very wonderful person in some ways and growing and becoming confident in certain areas and then being a very ugly disingenuous person in other ways.

For someone that feels like this - other than focusing on themselves and trying to not be horrible to her family, what can I do? I mean this with all honesty. I read blogs by Glennon Doyle and see she has finally found happiness. I mean, who says at age 44 to their spouse "I love you but I am not in love anymore". What a horrible thing to say but sometimes I just want to say that.

Can anyone help me? What is happiness to a person anymore when you're in your 40s and your hormones are messed up and you're busy all the time and you realize "I had a crappy example of marriage growing up".

I like our life in a lot of ways and maybe a book and a therapist will help me. I don't want to be "that" woman that de-couples from her husband like Gwyneth Paltrow and miss out on raising our three children.

Please no snarky responses. I sometimes think about we have one life and this isn't my best life.

[Anonymous]

This very much sounds like a mid-life crisis....mixed with hormone issues. You need professional help - a therapist and see your Doctor about the hormone issue. Also, what I find interesting from your post is that there is no mention of hobbies, exercise or friends. I strongly suggest pursuing things you enjoy doing to bring happiness in your life. And as a mid-40s divorced fit attractive woman with kids....dating sucks. It may sound exciting, it’s not.

[Anonymous]

You made choices, you have children to raise. You can make new choices based on your desire for “butterflies” but there will be consequences to those new choices. Frankly, you sound ridiculous to me and my guess is a lot of this is related to the changes in hormones you are experiencing. I hope you can save yourself from yourself before you completely upend your life and then regret it.

[Anonymous]

10:43 - I didn't say I was leaving my husband. I said I feel lost. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist that I am working with. I will make an appointment to see my GYN to check hormones.

On the other hand, I guarantee I am not the only woman in her 40s that feels lost. And that would love ALL areas of her life to feel 100%.

[Anonymous]

I think it's hormones and they are valid and they can make you feel crazy:

https://www.webmd.com/menopause/features/your-brain-on-menopause#1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:43 - I didn't say I was leaving my husband. I said I feel lost. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist that I am working with. I will make an appointment to see my GYN to check hormones.

On the other hand, I guarantee I am not the only woman in her 40s that feels lost. And that would love ALL areas of her life to feel 100%.

All areas 100% is a fantasy. My suggestion is to make a list of alll the things you appreciate about your husband... even the little things (like, changes the light bulbs). And then fake it until you make it..:..grab him not some random stranger.

[Anonymous]

When you declare multiple times in the same post that you no longer live your husband it’s tough to see how the marriage survives.

[Anonymous]

Based on what a cliche you sound like (“I love him but I’m not in love with him!?!? Seriously, lady?) yes, I’d chalk this up to mid life crisis. Get to the doctor and deal with your out of whack hormones.

[Anonymous]

Can you make some big investments in yourself? A solo or girls trip, time for exercise, some new hobby or class or unexpected new interest? Getting weekly massages (for instance) is still going to be cheaper than divorce. I think this is a fairly typical midlife phase and it’s possible for you to shake up your life while staying married and regaining love for your spouse. But stop thinking about whether you’re in love and focus on giving yourself more within the context of the marriage. See what happens. FWIW, this worked for me.

[Anonymous]

I do think women now are more aware of what they "deserve" and what they would like in a spouse NOW versus twenty years ago. There is a whole new way of thinking that I see women in their 20s focusing on - like freezing their eggs so they can have more opportunities in the future and the women's marches and Glennon Doyle "I am going to divorce my husband and fall in love with Abby Wambach" and she is in her 40s.

If a woman spends a lot of time on social media and sees women divorcing for "happiness" it can mess with your mind. Factor in hormones - and raising three children - it's not out of the norm in some regards. Marriage takes work and I think women are royally F'd in some ways now with everything expected to be perfect (the perfect front porch, the perfect mantle, the perfect PTA Mom, the perfect employee, the perfect spouse, the perfect house, the perfect child that is in sports and gets straight As). Women who work FT and are raising children have so many demands on them ALL THE TIME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am really struggling. I am 44 and appear to be in early menopause (zero period for almost a year, not pregnant). I have been told that the average woman goes through menopause around age 51 so this is definitely early. I work FT and have three children - and I love them more than anything. I feel really unhappy though. I love my husband but I am not in love with him anymore. I don't know if it's the SSRI I am taking or perhaps the posts I see on Facebook from a friend from college but she divorced her husband (or is in the midst of divorcing him) and says she is enjoying dating and butterflies with new people.

I realized that weekends are some of my most "down" times because I don't really want to be spending time with my spouse. It makes me feel like a horrible human being. My parents were not a good example of a happy marriage. I didn't have a real boyfriend in high school. I met my husband right out of college and I can clearly - at age 44 - see I married the first guy I thought I had a connection with. It's like there are two different versions of me though. The woman when my hormones were okay and the woman when they weren't.

I am trying to keep it together and be a good employee and a good Mom and keep up my house in the suburbs and pay the bills and I just think "is this a mid-life crisis". I recently saw a friend and her cousin was visiting and seriously - I wanted to GRAB the cousin. He looked at me like I was beautiful and funny. I KNOW people say that you have to work on your marriage but I am just not in love with my husband anymore and I don't know if any conversations or time together will make me feel like I am in love again. I am not the person I was when I met him at 22. I find myself turning into a very wonderful person in some ways and growing and becoming confident in certain areas and then being a very ugly disingenuous person in other ways.

For someone that feels like this - other than focusing on themselves and trying to not be horrible to her family, what can I do? I mean this with all honesty. I read blogs by Glennon Doyle and see she has finally found happiness. I mean, who says at age 44 to their spouse "I love you but I am not in love anymore". What a horrible thing to say but sometimes I just want to say that.

Can anyone help me? What is happiness to a person anymore when you're in your 40s and your hormones are messed up and you're busy all the time and you realize "I had a crappy example of marriage growing up".

I like our life in a lot of ways and maybe a book and a therapist will help me. I don't want to be "that" woman that de-couples from her husband like Gwyneth Paltrow and miss out on raising our three children.

Please no snarky responses. I sometimes think about we have one life and this isn't my best life.

DH here, and except for the menopause/SSRI thing, I could have written this myself. Dreading weekends, knowing you should be working on your marriage, but not feeling like anything would make a difference. Coming alive at the slightest flirtation. The story about your friend's cousin really hit home. I had a similar experience with someone once. Just total chemistry. And then it hits you: you're never going to have this. It's never going to be like this for you ever again. Crushing ...

I can't speak to the whole hormonal upheaval, but it seems to me that what you're feeling is real. Lots of people feel this way, and sadly, you really have two choices: Stay, and either find a way to get what you need, or find a way to get through without it. Or leave, and own the consequences. Regardless, though, you should stay off social media. It really is poison. Maybe try therapy, but at the end of the day, you have to be honest with yourself and decide what you really want, and whether it's worth the price you will have to pay to have it.

[Anonymous]

Reading blogs by glennon doyle is your first mistake.

[Anonymous]

I am in perimenopause at 45. it sucks. I am seeing an endocrinologist who is universally praised on DCUM as the guys to get our hormones "fixed"-dont believe the hype. Almost 1k out of pocket to him and he just pushed the estrogen patch within 10 minutes and Addyi. (which he was a researcher so no idea what kind of kick back he gets).
OP bottom line, what you feel is normal. This dr said women crave way more variety than man in long term sexual relationships. He said he sees 10 women a day who don't want sex with their husbands but masturbate all the time and would love to have affairs. I suggest you jus work on yourself before you start dealing with your marriage. Plan a solo trip or a girls trip, start a new hobby. Definitily make time for exercise to help your mood. No matter how much you don't love your DH, if its a workable marriage you should probably stay in it. A middle aged mom with three kids is not very dateable at all. Your DH will be dating and or remarried to someone younger than you within in a few years and you will be 50 with three kids and fully in menopause and no dates.

[Anonymous]

Read this: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/12/the-real-roots-of-midlife-crisis/382235/

Take heart. You aren't alone. You need to find joy for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in perimenopause at 45. it sucks. I am seeing an endocrinologist who is universally praised on DCUM as the guys to get our hormones "fixed"-dont believe the hype. Almost 1k out of pocket to him and he just pushed the estrogen patch within 10 minutes and Addyi. (which he was a researcher so no idea what kind of kick back he gets).
OP bottom line, what you feel is normal. This dr said women crave way more variety than man in long term sexual relationships. He said he sees 10 women a day who don't want sex with their husbands but masturbate all the time and would love to have affairs. I suggest you jus work on yourself before you start dealing with your marriage. Plan a solo trip or a girls trip, start a new hobby. Definitily make time for exercise to help your mood. No matter how much you don't love your DH, if its a workable marriage you should probably stay in it. A middle aged mom with three kids is not very dateable at all. Your DH will be dating and or remarried to someone younger than you within in a few years and you will be 50 with three kids and fully in menopause and no dates.

What horrible advice! Don’t listen to this BS. I’m the same age and get tons of attention from men. Unless you’ve totallly let yourself go and have not confidence, you will always be compatible with someone.