How does marriage counselin work if I go by myself and am no longer in love with DW but no affair?

[Anonymous]

And I don't want to break up my family (divorce) either. DW hasn't been happy but I doubt it's bad enough for her to leave. She's faithful as far as I know, so am I except there's a woman I'm having a strong feeling for right now. How would a marriage counselor help me if I went by myself and without letting DW know about it?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like individual counseling, not marriage counseling. Hopefully would help you either be all in to your marriage, leave the marriage, or figure out how to be happier while resigning yourself to current situation. You’d discuss various options and learn a mindset that would lead to more satisfaction in your circumstances or give you the courage to change those circumstances.

[Anonymous]

And then if I wanted to 'change my circumstances ' then we do marriage counseling?

[Anonymous]

Marriage counseling just means you both go together. Individual counseling is just you. You can talk about your marriage in either format.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you asked your wife to go to marriage counseling and she's refused?

Years ago, my mom was going solo, and at one point told the counselor that my dad was not getting any better. The counselor clarified, "this is not about getting your husband to be better, this is about getting you to accept that this is who he is and will not change, and for you to decide that you can live with that if you want to stay married; if not, you need to leave."

[Anonymous]

I went to individual counseling with a therapist who specializes in relationships since the issues were marriage related.

[Anonymous]

Individual counseling is not going to make any decisions for you. You have to make them and put them in action. Are you usually decisive or indecisive?

[Anonymous]

I went to marriage counseling because my wife was having an affair. In our first visit, she told the therapist that she had no intention of cutting off contact with the new guy because she loved him more than me.

That session ended. The next day I went back to the same therapist for individual counseling. That went on for about a year through my divorce and into my relationship with different women who turned out to be rebound.

The counselor just listens. Half the time I sat there wondering why I was paying someone just to listen to me talk. Occasionally, I'd get little nudges in a certain direction and we'd talk about things. Mostly, it was just me talking, the therapist listening, and me feeling better about not going through it all on my own or dumping my problems on my friends who were tired of hearing about the same stuff everyday.

[Anonymous]

Op - you sound so immature

[Anonymous]

No I haven't asked DW to go. I think the biggest problem right now is as my feelings towards the woman grows I'm drifting farther apart from DW. And I don't want to talk about this with my wife present because it's really my own problem to solve.

And I'm usually indecisive.

[Anonymous]

Feelings towards what (other) woman grows?

So you’re having an emotional affair and it’s in the upswing? And you want a counselor to bless this all or help your rationalize that it’s A-OK?

[Anonymous]

If you don’t want a divorce. Cutoff all contact with this OW. Start making a list of all of the things your wife does/has done that you appreciate...everything from have your DCs, washing your socks to arranging summer camp. Start thinking of all the things you’d need to do if she wasn’t there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No I haven't asked DW to go. I think the biggest problem right now is as my feelings towards the woman grows I'm drifting farther apart from DW. And I don't want to talk about this with my wife present because it's really my own problem to solve.

And I'm usually indecisive.

You do not need a therapist to tell you that you need to stop seeing or talking to this other woman.

[Anonymous]

Of course this other woman is going to be attractive. How many diaper changes and bills do you have to deal with, with and for her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No I haven't asked DW to go. I think the biggest problem right now is as my feelings towards the woman grows I'm drifting farther apart from DW. And I don't want to talk about this with my wife present because it's really my own problem to solve.

And I'm usually indecisive.

This is funny. You think that you are no longer in love with your DW but claim you aren't in an emotional affair, even though you are falling in love with another woman??

I'll give you the Stephen Covey advice. A man came up to him at a conference and said, "I no longer love my wife. What should I do?" Covey response, "love your wife." Love is an action, not just a feeling. So engage in loving actions toward your wife. Amazingly, it often helps bring the loving feelings back. Or as my therapist told someone in our group: fake it til you make it.