We want different things, and I don't want to compromise anymore

[Anonymous]

We've always been very different, but make it work. In conversations about the future, it's increasingly clear that we want very different things. And for the first time in 25+ years of marriage, of giving things up for the greater good, of putting everyone else first and not really feeling like I exist, I don't want to compromise. But I also know that if we live "my" life, I'll be punished for it - every single day.

I always believed I'd just make it work for the good of the family, but for the first time I'm starting to feel like I could actually walk away.

Anyone else feel this way? I know it's lacking in specifics, but it's the best I can do.

[Anonymous]

How will you be punished for it?

[Anonymous]

Marriage involves both people compromising. The problem in your situation seems less like you both have different ideas for the future and more like there's some manipulation going on, built-up resentment, and emotional blackmail (as in, he'll do what you want, but he'll make you feel so horrible about it that you won't actually enjoy it).

[Anonymous]

This happened to me about 4 years ago. I was very passive when I was younger and generally unsure of myself. This lead to a lot of me leaning DH's way the first 12-15 years of our marriage. As I grew and became more confident and more sure of what I wanted I started to speak up more. Gradually DH got the memo but for the first year its like he didn't think I was serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage involves both people compromising. The problem in your situation seems less like you both have different ideas for the future and more like there's some manipulation going on, built-up resentment, and emotional blackmail (as in, he'll do what you want, but he'll make you feel so horrible about it that you won't actually enjoy it).

Interesting - I assumed OP was a man. But maybe that's just me projecting. You too, for that matter.

[Anonymous]

I'm interested - what does your "my" life look like?

What would change that you've spent 25 years suppressing?

[Anonymous]

Another take . . . You did this in the early years to get, and keep him. Now that you have years of collateral and will reap the benefits of being partnered, you realize that you don't have to compromise anymore. You magically found yourself and your voice.

Hmmm, smart move. Too bad for your husband though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me about 4 years ago. I was very passive when I was younger and generally unsure of myself. This lead to a lot of me leaning DH's way the first 12-15 years of our marriage. As I grew and became more confident and more sure of what I wanted I started to speak up more. Gradually DH got the memo but for the first year its like he didn't think I was serious.

Yes, that was me too. Now I persuade/wrangle/fight for what I want.

[Anonymous]

Just leave her if you're this unhappy. You can try a sit down and explain where you're coming from, but it might be best to cut your losses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me about 4 years ago. I was very passive when I was younger and generally unsure of myself. This lead to a lot of me leaning DH's way the first 12-15 years of our marriage. As I grew and became more confident and more sure of what I wanted I started to speak up more. Gradually DH got the memo but for the first year its like he didn't think I was serious.

Yes, that was me too. Now I persuade/wrangle/fight for what I want.

They would divorce you if had found your voice and learned to fight early on.or, not married you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've always been very different, but make it work. In conversations about the future, it's increasingly clear that we want very different things. And for the first time in 25+ years of marriage, of giving things up for the greater good, of putting everyone else first and not really feeling like I exist, I don't want to compromise. But I also know that if we live "my" life, I'll be punished for it - every single day.

I always believed I'd just make it work for the good of the family, but for the first time I'm starting to feel like I could actually walk away.

Anyone else feel this way? I know it's lacking in specifics, but it's the best I can do.

Sounds like a classic mid-life crisis. Go to individual therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me about 4 years ago. I was very passive when I was younger and generally unsure of myself. This lead to a lot of me leaning DH's way the first 12-15 years of our marriage. As I grew and became more confident and more sure of what I wanted I started to speak up more. Gradually DH got the memo but for the first year its like he didn't think I was serious.

Yes, that was me too. Now I persuade/wrangle/fight for what I want.

Me three. I'm still learning. Not so good at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me about 4 years ago. I was very passive when I was younger and generally unsure of myself. This lead to a lot of me leaning DH's way the first 12-15 years of our marriage. As I grew and became more confident and more sure of what I wanted I started to speak up more. Gradually DH got the memo but for the first year its like he didn't think I was serious.

Yes, that was me too. Now I persuade/wrangle/fight for what I want.

They would divorce you if had found your voice and learned to fight early on.or, not married you.

Not necessarily, but it's true that some people would not want to marry their spouse if they knew what the future held for them at a given point. Like for many things, it's the process that has value. Compromise and respectful communication makes us more peaceful and efficient members of society. This doesn't need to be taught via a life partner, however that's what a life partner is all about.

[Anonymous]

This is so us. Married 25 years, empty nest recently and no likelihood of the fledglings returning, finally. We are very different and I am conflict avoidant, because my parent’s fighting gave me tremendous anxiety as a kid. I just gave in to DH on just about anything, but not anymore. I figure it’s either counseling, separation, or divorce. Willing to work on it, but also willing to walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me about 4 years ago. I was very passive when I was younger and generally unsure of myself. This lead to a lot of me leaning DH's way the first 12-15 years of our marriage. As I grew and became more confident and more sure of what I wanted I started to speak up more. Gradually DH got the memo but for the first year its like he didn't think I was serious.

Yes, that was me too. Now I persuade/wrangle/fight for what I want.

They would divorce you if had found your voice and learned to fight early on.or, not married you.

Not necessarily, but it's true that some people would not want to marry their spouse if they knew what the future held for them at a given point. Like for many things, it's the process that has value. Compromise and respectful communication makes us more peaceful and efficient members of society. This doesn't need to be taught via a life partner, however that's what a life partner is all about.

The space between the years is one thing, being silent on purpose is another. One is a process of learning, the other is deceitful.