We want different things, and I don't want to compromise anymore

[Anonymous]

This is happening to us too and we arent really sure what to do about it. We don’t want to divorce, but we don’t want to give in to each other either. I’m just now realizing my realistic life goals, how and where I want (and don’t want) to spend my time.

People evolve and change, it happens.

I totally understand be worried if you “get your way” you’ll be punished for it and not able to enjoy it, I worry about it as well. I also know my partner will probably feel punished for getting their way because I would be so miserable (or end up in divorce). It’s a crappy place to be in.

[Anonymous]

In our marriage we make sure we share free time and share budget categories. It gives us a lot of freedom to pursue independent happiness. We don’t have to agree with every little thing, but we support each other’s freedom.

[Anonymous]

What do you want to be different, OP? Serious because we can give better advice that won’t implode your marriage.

[Anonymous]

It's always a compromise! You can't just decide you don't want to compromise anymore unless you want to be forever alone or a tyrant.

[Anonymous]

Women always play the martyr.

[Anonymous]

This was me a few years ago. I’m now happily divorced (older kids so not much to deal with there) and I’m living the life I want to live. I’m trying things I never thought I would and checking items off the old bucket list. I do miss having a companion from time to time, but I now don’t have to take anyone else into consideration and it is so liberating!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women always play the martyr.

Yes, it seems that some women (and I suppose some men) see their choices as sacrifices...and it never ends well for either of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How will you be punished for it?

I’m not OP but I get this dynamic. For example one spouse wants to vacation in the mountains and the other loves the beach. Even if DH agrees to go to the beach, he will make your life hell by complaining every day about how miserable it is, the sun is horrible, the ocean is too loud, etc. He’ll also never want to do anything and get mad at you if you go kayaking without him. But if you agree to go on a ski vacation, suddenly the aches and pains that ruled his life at the beach disappear and he happily plans outings, dinners, hikes, etc. You are expected to be a good sport, of course - and you have been for 25 years...

Something like this, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How will you be punished for it?

I’m not OP but I get this dynamic. For example one spouse wants to vacation in the mountains and the other loves the beach. Even if DH agrees to go to the beach, he will make your life hell by complaining every day about how miserable it is, the sun is horrible, the ocean is too loud, etc. He’ll also never want to do anything and get mad at you if you go kayaking without him. But if you agree to go on a ski vacation, suddenly the aches and pains that ruled his life at the beach disappear and he happily plans outings, dinners, hikes, etc. You are expected to be a good sport, of course - and you have been for 25 years...

Something like this, OP?

Yep. That's it exactly.

But there would be more punishment still, because it would wreck our family. The children wouldn't understand, and would surely blame me for choosing myself over them, over the family. The connection I have with them would be gone, or at the very least irrevocably altered. I would be the selfish one, the one who abandoned their ... mother.

Yes, I'm a DH.

- OP

[Anonymous]

I remember it like it was yesterday. New Years Day. I went for a walk and started thinking about minor cracks in the marriage that I needed to tend to. I was always the person pointing out the problems and trying to find a way to fix them before they got out of hand. That usually meant I'd be the one to compromise on something. I decided that I wasn't doing it that year. After ten years, it was her turn.

We were divorced by the end of the year.

[Anonymous]

To the OP, all you can do is be straightforward and offer to go to counseling if that’s what it takes. I’ve heard of one case where it still worked out but basically one day the DW that stood up for herself and for the DH it was either getting with the program or had to find someone else willing to do everything his way. When it came down to it he wanted to stay married to her more than he wanted to have everything his way. Oh the adult daughter knew the score and was surprised the mom didn’t break before then. I think the daughter was happy the parents stayed together but would have 100% understood if her mom had decided to divorce.

[Anonymous]

But I also know ...

This approach is just another form of hiding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This was me a few years ago. I’m now happily divorced (older kids so not much to deal with there) and I’m living the life I want to live. I’m trying things I never thought I would and checking items off the old bucket list. I do miss having a companion from time to time, but I now don’t have to take anyone else into consideration and it is so liberating!

This is my story too. Age 51. No hatred for ex. I am done compromising as a default way of life (and that's why I'll never partner up seriously ever again.). I love my life, I love my teen and do of course compromise for teen. Never again for a partner.

Fun dates? Great. Making compromises critical life decisions because you had to put your partners needs above your needs? Never