Did anyone use a surrogate and can answer a few question?

[Anonymous]

How did your hospital handle parent skin to skin? Did they have you sit on the couch? Go to another room? Bring in a wheelchair?
If you used a surrogate, after delivery, did you just leave the room with the baby or did you stay with the surrogate for a little while? When did it feel right to leave?
I imagine you don’t see her again, so did you do goodbyes or not?

Family member is in last stages of surrogate pregnancy and is planning the last few details. She was talking about these and did not have a plan. I was curious what others recommended.

[Anonymous]

I recommend what ever happens. We adopted. The hospital didn't allow us to stay or be there except a few hours.

[Anonymous]

I was a surrogate a few years back for a distant acquaintance. I urged the parents to bond right away. Baby was in the NICU so there wasn’t any awkwardness about being in the same room. You can always ask the hospital if they have an extra room you can use. If the census is low they may be able to accommodate the request. The parents expressed their gratitude but I didn’t feel the need to have them linger. My work was done and I wanted them to focus on their child.

[Anonymous]

We used a surrogate years ago (our twins are 7 now). We discussed what we wanted with the surrogate before we signed our contract.

When the babies were born, the surrogate got to hold the children in the OR (C-section) and also the next morning when she was up to it. But after the babies went to the NICU (they were premies, but it would have been the same in the nursery if they were not), we were the parents with visitation listed. We were able to get into the NICU about two hours after the babies arrived there. During the first hour, they were moved into the incubators, all the paperwork was handled and they went through setting up the equipment to monitor the children, etc. After that, there was a wait as the nurses took all the vitals, did all the prep. There was a delay before the neonatologist on call (they were born at 12:05 AM) finally arrived and he was able to check the children out, review their files, determine any tests or actions that the staff needed to handle. The staff took care of ordering tests, medications, etc and then when all the minutae and details of their care was settles, we were able to get in to see them. We couldn't touch them that night. But we were able to see our children. The next morning, we came by to see them and we were able to hold them, have skin-to-skin and we started feeding them about 10 hours after they were born. This was a small hospital with a fantastic NICU and they were so nice to us. They had an empty room in the maternity ward and let us stay there so that we were on-site with our children. We came by every 3 hours to feed the babies. My wife is more of a morning person, so she would get up and go feed them in the morning. I am a night owl, and I stayed up for the late shift. All in all, we did about 6 of the 8 feedings a day while they were in the NICU. 3 days after birth, when they needed the maternity room, they were kind enough to find an empty room in the pediatric ward (down the hall) and moved us there so we were still on-site and could come by every 3 hours to feed the children and have that bonding time with them. They were in the NICU for 16 days and we only had to stay in a local hotel one night during that time. And the night we stayed in a hotel, we were only 2 miles from the hospital and I still drove over that evening and did two more feedings after my wife went to bed.

We are still on great terms with the surrogate. We are FB friends and we send her updates and photos regularly. We also go to her neck of the woods about every 2-3 years and usually arrange to take her out to lunch with the kids so she can see them and spend some time with them.

[Anonymous]

We used a gestational carrier (GC). It's a really good idea to ensure that the intended parents (IPs) are part of the birth plan and the hospital is fully aware ahead of time.

The hospital that our GC chose has a formal tour for expectant mothers, that ends with working out a formal birth plan. Our GC had given birth there before, and the hospital had also handled GC situations in the past. We flew into town to take the tour with her, and the hospital's advocate accompanied us to talk through all the processes we would go through, made the medical decision-making lines clear, discussed the birth certificate, and so forth. We also ensured that we did the paperwork for the baby's health insurance, so the claims would be properly filed. We also had to choose a pediatrician to see the baby post-birth; our GC liked her pediatrician, so we just used hers.

We arrived in our GC's city two weeks before the due date. Our GC called us the moment she went into labor, so we arrived at the hospital just after she did. We were issued hospital bracelets. We sat with her and her husband through the whole labor (and ran minor errands like getting her non-hospital meals). We did skin-to-skin and such while she was getting stitched up (vaginal delivery), and then the baby had to go get their medical tests and whatnot. The baby got a hospital bracelet that was coded to our GC as well as to us. (Basically the way they handled this was to give us what would normally have been her husband's bracelet.)

The hospital had warned us in advance that we would only be able to get a hospital room ourselves if there was a spare room available, since the room priority clearly needed to be with postpartum mothers. We had to wait with the baby for a bit (they let us use a waiting room they have for NICU parents) before we could get a room next door to our GC's. She pumped colostrum for us, which we bottle-fed to the baby, but otherwise we used hospital-supplied formula. Our baby went between our room and the nursery (so we could get a bit of sleep), until we could be discharged (our GC needed to stay longer). Our GC had various family-and-friends visitors, and we came by her room and brought the baby with us when she had visitors. Lots of photos were taken. We did photos with her and her family before we went home, as well.

We had a pre-birth order done, so our names went onto the birth certificate. Our only minor complication was my insurance. Baby went immediately on my insurance at birth, which meant that my health insurance company flipped out at getting a pediatrician's bill from the hospital, without an accompanying maternity claim from me. They demanded to know if there'd been an accident (i.e. someone they could sue for the claim), etc. and it took some doing to explain the situation to them.

Our GC came to visit while on vacation, when our kid was a couple of weeks old, and took yet more photos (our GC and her husband are photographers), which was awesome. We also invited our GC and her family to our child's one-year birthday party (we paid for their trip). Our GC made a great photo book for our child which explains their conception story, with photos of us and them through the IVF process, blastocyst and ultrasound pics, pregnancy pics (with our GC in cosplay outfits!), and post-birth pictures. We still keep in touch on Facebook, and we intend to visit when we're in her city.

I've known other people who never spoke to or saw their GC again after the birth itself. So YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We used a surrogate years ago (our twins are 7 now). We discussed what we wanted with the surrogate before we signed our contract.

When the babies were born, the surrogate got to hold the children in the OR (C-section) and also the next morning when she was up to it. But after the babies went to the NICU (they were premies, but it would have been the same in the nursery if they were not), we were the parents with visitation listed. We were able to get into the NICU about two hours after the babies arrived there. During the first hour, they were moved into the incubators, all the paperwork was handled and they went through setting up the equipment to monitor the children, etc. After that, there was a wait as the nurses took all the vitals, did all the prep. There was a delay before the neonatologist on call (they were born at 12:05 AM) finally arrived and he was able to check the children out, review their files, determine any tests or actions that the staff needed to handle. The staff took care of ordering tests, medications, etc and then when all the minutae and details of their care was settles, we were able to get in to see them. We couldn't touch them that night. But we were able to see our children. The next morning, we came by to see them and we were able to hold them, have skin-to-skin and we started feeding them about 10 hours after they were born. This was a small hospital with a fantastic NICU and they were so nice to us. They had an empty room in the maternity ward and let us stay there so that we were on-site with our children. We came by every 3 hours to feed the babies. My wife is more of a morning person, so she would get up and go feed them in the morning. I am a night owl, and I stayed up for the late shift. All in all, we did about 6 of the 8 feedings a day while they were in the NICU. 3 days after birth, when they needed the maternity room, they were kind enough to find an empty room in the pediatric ward (down the hall) and moved us there so we were still on-site and could come by every 3 hours to feed the children and have that bonding time with them. They were in the NICU for 16 days and we only had to stay in a local hotel one night during that time. And the night we stayed in a hotel, we were only 2 miles from the hospital and I still drove over that evening and did two more feedings after my wife went to bed.

We are still on great terms with the surrogate. We are FB friends and we send her updates and photos regularly. We also go to her neck of the woods about every 2-3 years and usually arrange to take her out to lunch with the kids so she can see them and spend some time with them.

I apologize. We used a GC, not a surrogate. The twins have no genetic tie to the GC.

[Anonymous]

we also had twins via a GC. we talked with the hospital, doctor, nurses, & GC ahead of time also about the . It was not in as sophisticated a place as the hospitals are in the D.C. area so maybe didn't have as many protocols in place. We were able to do skin-to-skin contact & hold the babies after they were born. The GC then gave them each a hug - and then we both had rooms down the hall from each other in the hospital (so we were lucky) and she came in to visit after she was feeling up to it later in the day too. We then also met up with her, her husband, and her kids in our hotel room the day after everyone was released and before we left town so her kids who had been part of the pregnancy experience got to meet the babies and hug them too. It was actually really lovely. we are on nice terms although we now only email with pictures a few times a year. But I also do love seeing her kids grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:we also had twins via a GC. we talked with the hospital, doctor, nurses, & GC ahead of time also about the . It was not in as sophisticated a place as the hospitals are in the D.C. area so maybe didn't have as many protocols in place. We were able to do skin-to-skin contact & hold the babies after they were born. The GC then gave them each a hug - and then we both had rooms down the hall from each other in the hospital (so we were lucky) and she came in to visit after she was feeling up to it later in the day too. We then also met up with her, her husband, and her kids in our hotel room the day after everyone was released and before we left town so her kids who had been part of the pregnancy experience got to meet the babies and hug them too. It was actually really lovely. we are on nice terms although we now only email with pictures a few times a year. But I also do love seeing her kids grow up.

I forgot to mention, like a PP - our GC actually had put together a set of really thoughtful gifts - very sentimental ones - that she gave us after the birth for us and the kids. We also got her a really special necklace with her birthstone that we knew she loved and couple other sentimental things too, stressing the understanding of the importance of the 'miracle' (not necessarily religious for us) that was able to make happen for us.

If the hospital some maternity support services or counselors etc on staff - could also reach out to them in advance. We found the hospital staff was really interested and for the most part excited to be supportive (but we did freak the lawyer out at first who was trying to figure out things like who gets the security bands when and the birth certificate paperwork).

[Anonymous]

OP here - I did not realize there was a difference between a surrogate and a Gc. I have since educated myself. Family member is having a gestational cattier not a surrogate. Thank you to those who have already responded. Anyone else to weigh in and had either or a GC, that is great and these are helpful!

[Anonymous]

Is your family member aware that there are very active support groups on Facebook for GCs? She can get a lot of her questions answered there. Also, many GC agencies have support groups, and a lot of structure for helping organize the birth. If she hasn't availed herself of those resources, she definitely should.