Is this a feasible way to live?

[Anonymous]

I cannot get DH to commit to anything when it comes to our 3 yo son. So, like planning a trip or activity, like going to, say, a bounce place. He will not plan ahead. It has to be something spontaneous that he think of. Similarly he will not commit to each of us having our own chores-like I empty the dishwasher and he takes out the trash. I have found that every task in our life has become a negotiation or a fight. In reading advice everyone recommendeds that couples have a pre-set understanding of their expectations and tasks but as I noted my DH refuses to do this and says I’m being “crazy” when I propose a cooking schedule or set chores. The only thing he agreed to was I do daycare drop off and he does pick up. Even this is failing bc he insists on pickup 5x per week, which is not feasible with his work schedule. I urged him to just do pickup 2x per week but he insists on doing it all 5 days and then calling me last second saying he’s not going to make it and can I do it (I wfh 3x per week). The whole thing has me exhausted and frankly it’s just easier if I do everything- from childcare to cleaning to activities, and if he opts in, great it’s a bonus. If he takes out a trash bag that’s cool. We can afford a bit of help as far as a cleaner and babysitter. But I feel like this is overall a sad way to live and I’ll just be bitter. Does anyone else live like this? I actually read about this setup on this forum.

[Anonymous]

I take it before DCs he did what he wanted and you were happy to take care of the little house stuff there was. This is the brunt of the problem. You now what him to change are trying to control him. It’s not going to happen without a lot of resentment particularly if you have the more flexible schedule and less pay. Just stop. Hire help and accept the situation. Do not have more kids.

[Anonymous]

It’s feasible but not easy. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I take it before DCs he did what he wanted and you were happy to take care of the little house stuff there was. This is the brunt of the problem. You now what him to change are trying to control him. It’s not going to happen without a lot of resentment particularly if you have the more flexible schedule and less pay. Just stop. Hire help and accept the situation. Do not have more kids.

Yes without kids it’s a lot easier to just let things be. The kid changes the equation and there’s more to do. I’ll never ever have another kid with him. I have a better job, which was not easy to get. It pays more than his job actually.

[Anonymous]

Is he a planner about things for himself? If he isn’t, you aren’t going to change him. Pick your time on the weekend where you have set plans like Saturday morning you go for a run and workout, he is on deck with DS. Since DH likes to be spontaneous he should hopefully not have anything planned and he can decide last minute what he wants to do with your son. I hate having to plan ahead for certain things but I end up doing so because my motivation do have my kids get certain experiences is stronger and I have felt the consequences when I don’t immediately sign up for something they have said that they want to do that we agreed to.

With the daycare schedules get him to do mornings if afternoons are so problematic. Let him know how it impacts you (and him) when you find out you need to do pickup last minute in the afternoons. Is it that you can’t start dinner so he will need to make dinner that night, is it work that won’t get done so he needs to handle bedtime so you can finish up or you may have a conference call and can’t break free to get there on time so he risks no one being there on time? I think the issue with you being willing to do all drop-off plus pickups 3 times a week is that it makes it seems like he is helping you when he can do more than two pickups and it shouldn’t be an issue if he has a last minute conflict the days you are working from home.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds like an exhausting selfish @sshole. Very immature. What attracted you to this man in the first place? Does he have any redeeming qualities?

He’s mean, a poor planner, doesn’t help you with anything, doesn’t help in a meaningful way with the kids or house chores, and on top of all that makes LESS money than you.

I don’t see the attraction here. You have definitely gotten the short end of the stick OP.

[Anonymous]

I’d invite him once then leave him out of activities if he doesn’t commit. I wouldn’t give reminders or wait for him to join. That’s just annoying.

I’d increase the frequency your cleaners come to take the pressure off you for the upkeep on their off days. Then I’d slack off a lot and tell him to step up. Does he do tasks when he sees they need to be done? Like he won’t commit to doing the dishes every day but he’ll do them if he sees the sink is filling up? Or is he just refusing to pitch in until the mood strikes randomly?

Can you make plans to be away from home/on an errand/on an important call at pickup time so he has to do it? It’s easier to shirk your duty if you have a reliable backup. Or could he do drop off instead?

[Anonymous]

I cannot get DH to commit to anything when it comes to our 3 yo son. So, like planning a trip or activity, like going to, say, a bounce place. He will not plan ahead. It has to be something spontaneous that he think of. Similarly he will not commit to each of us having our own chores-like I empty the dishwasher and he takes out the trash. I have found that every task in our life has become a negotiation or a fight. In reading advice everyone recommendeds that couples have a pre-set understanding of their expectations and tasks but as I noted my DH refuses to do this and says I’m being “crazy” when I propose a cooking schedule or set chores. The only thing he agreed to was I do daycare drop off and he does pick up. Even this is failing bc he insists on pickup 5x per week, which is not feasible with his work schedule. I urged him to just do pickup 2x per week but he insists on doing it all 5 days and then calling me last second saying he’s not going to make it and can I do it (I wfh 3x per week). The whole thing has me exhausted and frankly it’s just easier if I do everything- from childcare to cleaning to activities, and if he opts in, great it’s a bonus. If he takes out a trash bag that’s cool. We can afford a bit of help as far as a cleaner and babysitter. But I feel like this is overall a sad way to live and I’ll just be bitter. Does anyone else live like this? I actually read about this setup on this forum.

my advice is DO NOT ENABLE. this is going to be tough and you are not going to like it but it looks like this.

Calls at the last second to say he can't make it and you say sorry I cannot either. This is your day and I made plans. You are going to have to figure this out.

You make dinner when you feel like it and feed toddler. when he comes home and asks whats for dinner, you say "I dunno, do you have something in mind you are planning to make?"

ITs trash day and he hasn't put out trash. You leave the house and the trash is there. When he complains that no one put out the trash you say "Oh, I didn't realize we had a set schedule or division of responsibility." Same with other chores. Just stop doing stuff and if he says "why didn't you do XYZ" you say "well, we don't have a division of responsibility, so I didn't think it was my job to do."


Saturday rolls around and he suggests something and you say 'Actually I already made plans to do XYZ with So and So/am taking toddler to the playground at this time and I am not going to change them. But you are welcome to join!"


In other words, you have to make his lack of planning painful to him. Right now, it is only painful to you. Of course, in the back of your mind you will also have to decide internally which things to sacrifice and which things not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I cannot get DH to commit to anything when it comes to our 3 yo son. So, like planning a trip or activity, like going to, say, a bounce place. He will not plan ahead. It has to be something spontaneous that he think of. Similarly he will not commit to each of us having our own chores-like I empty the dishwasher and he takes out the trash. I have found that every task in our life has become a negotiation or a fight. In reading advice everyone recommendeds that couples have a pre-set understanding of their expectations and tasks but as I noted my DH refuses to do this and says I’m being “crazy” when I propose a cooking schedule or set chores. The only thing he agreed to was I do daycare drop off and he does pick up. Even this is failing bc he insists on pickup 5x per week, which is not feasible with his work schedule. I urged him to just do pickup 2x per week but he insists on doing it all 5 days and then calling me last second saying he’s not going to make it and can I do it (I wfh 3x per week). The whole thing has me exhausted and frankly it’s just easier if I do everything- from childcare to cleaning to activities, and if he opts in, great it’s a bonus. If he takes out a trash bag that’s cool. We can afford a bit of help as far as a cleaner and babysitter. But I feel like this is overall a sad way to live and I’ll just be bitter. Does anyone else live like this? I actually read about this setup on this forum.

my advice is DO NOT ENABLE. this is going to be tough and you are not going to like it but it looks like this.

Calls at the last second to say he can't make it and you say sorry I cannot either. This is your day and I made plans. You are going to have to figure this out.

You make dinner when you feel like it and feed toddler. when he comes home and asks whats for dinner, you say "I dunno, do you have something in mind you are planning to make?"

ITs trash day and he hasn't put out trash. You leave the house and the trash is there. When he complains that no one put out the trash you say "Oh, I didn't realize we had a set schedule or division of responsibility." Same with other chores. Just stop doing stuff and if he says "why didn't you do XYZ" you say "well, we don't have a division of responsibility, so I didn't think it was my job to do."


Saturday rolls around and he suggests something and you say 'Actually I already made plans to do XYZ with So and So/am taking toddler to the playground at this time and I am not going to change them. But you are welcome to join!"


In other words, you have to make his lack of planning painful to him. Right now, it is only painful to you. Of course, in the back of your mind you will also have to decide internally which things to sacrifice and which things not to.

Do NOT pick up the phone at 5:00 ... I'm sure you have a meeting. Or your battery died. Or you are all the way in Baltimore and child is in Reston. Anything.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he has undiagnosed ADHD and instead of admitting that he has a problem and letting you manage the family, he’s holding it against you by refusing to be cooperative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he has undiagnosed ADHD and instead of admitting that he has a problem and letting you manage the family, he’s holding it against you by refusing to be cooperative.

No. Stop posting this crap. Not every adult who refuses to take responsibility for regular adult/parent things has an undiagnosed mental health condition. Sometimes, they're just irresponsible and selfish. Stop enabling the irresponsible and selfish by giving them a legitimate reason to behave this way.

[Bella_lee]

Hi @OP I don't think this is a feasible way to live long term. From what you've expressed, the chances that you could become quite resentful over time seems high and this will prove unhealthy for your relationship. Is it possible to find a way to seriously discuss with your DH how the current set up is negatively affecting you. Marriage does involve compromise however both spouses have to be willing to be considerate of each other and work together. I'm not sure if this situation is spilling to other parts of your relationship but if this starts to happen then maybe you should consider marriage counselling. It's sometimes easier to address a problem early on than let it fester and become a much bigger problem Hope things get better for you , all the best.

[Anonymous]

Try a diplomatic approach "Hey hon, can you take the trash out by chance? It's stinks and tomorrow is trash day. I'm unloading the dishwasher and then I have to switch out the laundry"...something to that effect so you aren't accusing him, but also making it a point that it requires some level of teamwork to run a household. And it shows you're doing some of the work not just sitting there barking orders and whining about all the things on the to-do list.

Having said that, it's get dangerous keeping a tit-for-tat list as to who did what and when. It's a natural give and take that sorts itself out overtime.

As for planning the kid's activities, what is wrong with spontaneous? If it works out than fine. "Hey Larlita, let's skip grocery shopping and go to the playground instead".