Girlfriend taking job In another state

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you feel like she’s choosing a job opportunity and the chance to pay down her educational debt over your relationship. What other solutions do you see or have you offered to her concerns about her debt? Are you offering to help? Or are you just wanting / expecting her to put your relationship first — without offering any help or security or even a reasonable plan? What are you offering to change? Why would this keep you from getting engaged? It sounds like you expect to keep everything else in your life the same — instead of working together as a couple to figure out priorities and solutions.

OP here. She never discussed the offer with me before deciding to take it. She told me after she decided to take it that she was going to take the job. I asked her to stay and offered to pay for it or help pay for it. She declined. She said she felt uncomfortable with asking me to do that since we are not married.

My main issue is she didn’t even consult me. We have been talking for weeks about becoming more serious. Then she decides to take this job without even talking to me about it. I would never do that. I know we are not engaged, but we have been talking it. This is not a 6 month relationship where you’re still unsure. This is 1+ year relationship where we discussed her moving in with me, getting married, having kids, etc. I’m feel like my feelings are stronger for her than hers are for me.

Maybe she thought weeks were enough and if you wanted her to stay you would have proposed. She is doing what a man would have done in the past and good for her!

OP here. She was well aware of my timeline. I brought up moving in and getting engaged in March at the 1 year mark. She said her parents, family, and friends all said it’s important to live with someone before getting engaged or married. You don’t want to make a commitment and then realize you’re not compatible once you start living together. We agreed we would give it more time since her lease will be up this summer. I brought it back up a couple of weeks ago and she said she was ready to move in next month. We talked about me looking at rings and my plan to propose after we lived together for a couple of months. She seemed excited. Then she takes this job and tells me that she is taking it. No discussion. I don’t know any couples who are this serious who don’t discuss big changes like this with their partner first. That’s the most upsetting part for me. Clearly I’m not that important to her.

OP, this is true. Let her go.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. As painful as it is, it’s for the best and now you’re free to pursue a relationship with someone who reciprocates your feelings. It will happen, for sure, but take the time you need to heal.

[Anonymous]

How did it end? Did you break up with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did it end? Did you break up with her?

OP here. She broke up with me. I told her I supported her and will wait. I asked if she would like more of a commitment and to get engaged. I also asked her about using my residence as her “ home” for a tax purpose for her job. She then said she felt things were moving too fast and she needs to figure things out. She has been having second thoughts about wanting kids. She knows I want them. She said she is taking this to “ find herself”. Whatever that means. Im heartbroken but at least I know where we stand.

[Anonymous]

I was in this exact same position as OP but genders were reversed. He applied for a job in another state without telling me. He told me when he got an interview. He got the job. I was really upset that we were dating 18 months, I was 30, and marriage had come up. I felt he was planning his life without me. But I had no veto power because we were not engaged or married. He took the job and moved. I wanted to break up. He wanted to do long distance. I tried to break up, He begged me not to. Anyway, we did long-distance and I was uneasy the whole time. Then he proposed. My gut said to say no but I had a lot of family pressure. I ended up saying yes but had doubts and wanted to cancel even on the wedding day. I had to move to his new state. I was miserable.

I felt like he did not ever care about what I wanted in a relationship long-term. It was all about him. The whole relationship was his way or no relationship. It was a mistake to do long distance. It was a mistake to marry.

We divorced after 10 years. I only stayed that long because an unplanned pregnancy happened and then you "try to make it work."

Him applying for that job was making our lives go in different directions. We should have broken up. OP--I think you should let her go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did it end? Did you break up with her?

OP here. She broke up with me. I told her I supported her and will wait. I asked if she would like more of a commitment and to get engaged. I also asked her about using my residence as her “ home” for a tax purpose for her job. She then said she felt things were moving too fast and she needs to figure things out. She has been having second thoughts about wanting kids. She knows I want them. She said she is taking this to “ find herself”. Whatever that means. Im heartbroken but at least I know where we stand.

I am sorry, but this was probably for the best (although it probably does not feel that way now).

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. Hang in there. It sucks right now, but you’ll get through it.