Girlfriend taking job In another state

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if she stays? Are you prepared to propose to her now? Get married next year? You’re asking her to put all of her eggs in your basket, and I wonder what you’re offering in return.

OP here. I’m prepared to do all for that. We have been talking for weeks now about moving in when her lease is up in the summer, getting engaged, when we would get marked, etc. Then this came out of left field. She said she would still get engaged, but a wedding would be difficult to plan when we are in different states. I offered to pay for it ( without sounding like a creep) and she declined. She said she didn’t feel comfortable asking me to pay that much since we are not married.

She’s trying to get you to get the hint that it’s over, I think. No relationship at that age could sustain itself in those circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After I had been dating my now-husband for a year, I decided to go to law school three hours a way. We were long distance for three years, but got engaged during that time and married right after I graduated. It wasn’t always easy, but we stuck with it because we were committed to each other.

I guess the question for OP is, are you actually committed to your girlfriend, or are you just marking time with her?

OP here. Very serious. I want to marry her. She doesn’t think a wedding will happen until her contract is up. I guess I’m just most upset that she didn’t even really talk me about things before even saying she would accept it. She just told me she was taking it. I would never do that. I would discuss things with her before making a decision. I’m starting to feel like my feelings for her are much stronger than hers are for me. Here I am making plans for our future, and she is making plans for herself.

Yup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if she stays? Are you prepared to propose to her now? Get married next year? You’re asking her to put all of her eggs in your basket, and I wonder what you’re offering in return.

OP here. I’m prepared to do all for that. We have been talking for weeks now about moving in when her lease is up in the summer, getting engaged, when we would get marked, etc. Then this came out of left field. She said she would still get engaged, but a wedding would be difficult to plan when we are in different states. I offered to pay for it ( without sounding like a creep) and she declined. She said she didn’t feel comfortable asking me to pay that much since we are not married.

When did you plan to propose? Moving in together isn’t the same thing as making a lifelong commitment. More like taking it for a test drive so you can decide how you feel about the relationship.

She has an opportunity now to secure her financial future, which makes sense whether you guys are going to get married or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After I had been dating my now-husband for a year, I decided to go to law school three hours a way. We were long distance for three years, but got engaged during that time and married right after I graduated. It wasn’t always easy, but we stuck with it because we were committed to each other.

I guess the question for OP is, are you actually committed to your girlfriend, or are you just marking time with her?

OP here. Very serious. I want to marry her. She doesn’t think a wedding will happen until her contract is up. I guess I’m just most upset that she didn’t even really talk me about things before even saying she would accept it. She just told me she was taking it. I would never do that. I would discuss things with her before making a decision. I’m starting to feel like my feelings for her are much stronger than hers are for me. Here I am making plans for our future, and she is making plans for herself.

On the flip side, you’re asking her to make all of the compromises and sacrifices so that everything is as easy and comfortable as possible for you.

At that age, I would be hesitant about sacrificing my financial well-being for someone who wasn’t ready to propose yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you feel like she’s choosing a job opportunity and the chance to pay down her educational debt over your relationship. What other solutions do you see or have you offered to her concerns about her debt? Are you offering to help? Or are you just wanting / expecting her to put your relationship first — without offering any help or security or even a reasonable plan? What are you offering to change? Why would this keep you from getting engaged? It sounds like you expect to keep everything else in your life the same — instead of working together as a couple to figure out priorities and solutions.

OP here. She never discussed the offer with me before deciding to take it. She told me after she decided to take it that she was going to take the job. I asked her to stay and offered to pay for it or help pay for it. She declined. She said she felt uncomfortable with asking me to do that since we are not married.

My main issue is she didn’t even consult me. We have been talking for weeks about becoming more serious. Then she decides to take this job without even talking to me about it. I would never do that. I know we are not engaged, but we have been talking it. This is not a 6 month relationship where you’re still unsure. This is 1+ year relationship where we discussed her moving in with me, getting married, having kids, etc. I’m feel like my feelings are stronger for her than hers are for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if she stays? Are you prepared to propose to her now? Get married next year? You’re asking her to put all of her eggs in your basket, and I wonder what you’re offering in return.

OP here. I’m prepared to do all for that. We have been talking for weeks now about moving in when her lease is up in the summer, getting engaged, when we would get marked, etc. Then this came out of left field. She said she would still get engaged, but a wedding would be difficult to plan when we are in different states. I offered to pay for it ( without sounding like a creep) and she declined. She said she didn’t feel comfortable asking me to pay that much since we are not married.

When did you plan to propose? Moving in together isn’t the same thing as making a lifelong commitment. More like taking it for a test drive so you can decide how you feel about the relationship.

She has an opportunity now to secure her financial future, which makes sense whether you guys are going to get married or not.

OP here. She was going to move in either next month or close to that. I told her I was looking at rings. I was going to propose soon after we moved in together. I expressed to her many times how much I loved her and how I’m serious about marrying her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After I had been dating my now-husband for a year, I decided to go to law school three hours a way. We were long distance for three years, but got engaged during that time and married right after I graduated. It wasn’t always easy, but we stuck with it because we were committed to each other.

I guess the question for OP is, are you actually committed to your girlfriend, or are you just marking time with her?

OP here. Very serious. I want to marry her. She doesn’t think a wedding will happen until her contract is up. I guess I’m just most upset that she didn’t even really talk me about things before even saying she would accept it. She just told me she was taking it. I would never do that. I would discuss things with her before making a decision. I’m starting to feel like my feelings for her are much stronger than hers are for me. Here I am making plans for our future, and she is making plans for herself.

On the flip side, you’re asking her to make all of the compromises and sacrifices so that everything is as easy and comfortable as possible for you.

At that age, I would be hesitant about sacrificing my financial well-being for someone who wasn’t ready to propose yet.

OP here. She knows I planned to propose. She knew the timeline. She knew I was looking at rings. We talked about all of this. She knows I have more than enough money to help her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if she stays? Are you prepared to propose to her now? Get married next year? You’re asking her to put all of her eggs in your basket, and I wonder what you’re offering in return.

OP here. I’m prepared to do all for that. We have been talking for weeks now about moving in when her lease is up in the summer, getting engaged, when we would get marked, etc. Then this came out of left field. She said she would still get engaged, but a wedding would be difficult to plan when we are in different states. I offered to pay for it ( without sounding like a creep) and she declined. She said she didn’t feel comfortable asking me to pay that much since we are not married.

When did you plan to propose? Moving in together isn’t the same thing as making a lifelong commitment. More like taking it for a test drive so you can decide how you feel about the relationship.

She has an opportunity now to secure her financial future, which makes sense whether you guys are going to get married or not.

OP here. She was going to move in either next month or close to that. I told her I was looking at rings. I was going to propose soon after we moved in together. I expressed to her many times how much I loved her and how I’m serious about marrying her.

Move on. Long distance can work but she's not that interested. No ring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And what if she stays? Are you prepared to propose to her now? Get married next year? You’re asking her to put all of her eggs in your basket, and I wonder what you’re offering in return.

OP here. I’m prepared to do all for that. We have been talking for weeks now about moving in when her lease is up in the summer, getting engaged, when we would get marked, etc. Then this came out of left field. She said she would still get engaged, but a wedding would be difficult to plan when we are in different states. I offered to pay for it ( without sounding like a creep) and she declined. She said she didn’t feel comfortable asking me to pay that much since we are not married.

Was that, perhaps, a cue for you to say: “So, let’s get married “?
At this point, she’s single, has significant debt, and has made a decision that will address the debt and offer her a more stable future — married or not.

[Anonymous]

No one goes from eagerly discussing moving in together and getting married to announcing they’re taking a three-year job elsewhere with no precipitating cause. So either she was never that enthusiastic about your plans (and you ignored that because you wanted her to be enthusiastic), or she was enthusiastic but something made her think you’re not truly committed to the relationship and now she feels like she has to look out for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pay her debt for her if you want her to stick around.

OP here. I offered and she told me she couldn’t accept it. It’s a lot of money. Close to 90k.

Sure you did which is why you mentioned this in your, OP. Goodnight Troll!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you’re looking for an excuse to dump her. Otherwise just try it out and see how it goes before assumes it won’t work.

OP here. This is not true. I want to marry her. Why would I be upset if I planned to break up with her?

If you want to marry her, why haven’t you proposed yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one goes from eagerly discussing moving in together and getting married to announcing they’re taking a three-year job elsewhere with no precipitating cause. So either she was never that enthusiastic about your plans (and you ignored that because you wanted her to be enthusiastic), or she was enthusiastic but something made her think you’re not truly committed to the relationship and now she feels like she has to look out for herself.

She sensed that OP is wasting her time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you’re looking for an excuse to dump her. Otherwise just try it out and see how it goes before assumes it won’t work.

OP here. This is not true. I want to marry her. Why would I be upset if I planned to break up with her?

If you want to marry her, why haven’t you proposed yet?

Exactly , these are things you do. You just do them. Just like you don't have to go looking for rings. Nor do you need to plan an elaborate wedding. You can just get married. You can also plan a wedding long distance.


She realized this relationship was DOA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you’re looking for an excuse to dump her. Otherwise just try it out and see how it goes before assumes it won’t work.

OP here. This is not true. I want to marry her. Why would I be upset if I planned to break up with her?

If you want to marry her, why haven’t you proposed yet?

OP will probably come back with something like he doesn’t think it’s a good idea to get engaged until you’ve lived together first (which of course must be put off until someone’s lease is up). And what he will really be saying is that he’s not all-in in their relationship yet, he’s still holding back because he’s not actually certain he wants to marry her. She knows it, and that’s why she’s not betting everything on their relationship.