Do you regret your adoption?

[Anonymous]

Yes, sometimes the bio family can better love the child. Sometimes people adopt with good intentions, but do not bond with the child. Or find that the new kid does not take the place of the bio child that they wanted to have, so they feel guilty and smother it with outward signs of love, but remain cold.
I know one adoptee who said she just felt this unconditional love when she met her bio mother. She had never felt that from her a-mother. Long story short, she had kids of her own and became very bitter and could not forgive her b-mother.

a-homes also go thru unemployment, disability, bankrupcy, divorce, mental health issues, etc

[Anonymous]

Not one of the adopted children that DH and I knew as children had a good ending: prostitution, AIDs, jail, drug and alcohol addiction....and this was in a very privileged place where these things happened very very rarely.

One ended up as a cop who got drunk one day and shot his gun repeatedly out his apartment window in NYC, narrowly killing a teacher and young children. And another one hit his step-brother in the head with a cement block, causing extensive brain damage.

I think that all of these children had some sort of existing problems before they were adopted. The families that adopted them were lovely. Since then, I've met lots of adorable children who were adopted. But I'll always remember the children I knew as a kid....

[Anonymous]

I relinquished my beautiful son in 1978, the worst decision and the worst day of my life. I have regretted it ever since. Its disgusting. People dont give their children away. God forgive me and release me of this pain...

[Anonymous]

PP here whose story caused lots of negative feedback. To 20:52, your comments are the reason I really would not mind finding my birth mother, just in case she feels like you do and I could maybe make her feel just a little bit better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here whose story caused lots of negative feedback. To 20:52, your comments are the reason I really would not mind finding my birth mother, just in case she feels like you do and I could maybe make her feel just a little bit better.

I'm also a PP and feel the same as you- I would like to find my birth mother if only to try to comfort her as well. I have had a wonderful childhood, family, and am now enjoying my own family (which also includes an adopted child) and would like to reassure her that I'm happy. Maybe this knowledge would help her with any guilt.

[Anonymous]

I have two biological children and one adopted child. I do not for one second regred adopting my child, nor giving birth to the other two. I love them all as my children. It makes no difference to me how they joined my family. When I was pregnant, I dreamed and bonded with my children inside me. When I was in the adoption process, I dreamed and bonded with the child that we would one day adopt. They were different experiences, for sure, but both wonderful overall (although each had its ups and downs). I would do them both over again. My one regret is not adopting another child. Our child who we adopted was a baby, and we bonded the minute we saw her.

[Anonymous]

It really makes me sad to read all of the negative comments about adoption. I have one bio child and two adopted children and I love them all equally and am grateful for each one of them every day. They are the greatest gifts of my life- all of them- nothing could ever come close.

I also love the birthmothers of my two adopted children and I am so proud of them for making the best decisions they possibly make for our children. They are very beautiful people who did not have the advantages that I had and they love these kids very much.

To PP 04:30 who mentioned dreams, I had those too! I dreamed of my adopted son exactly 9 months before he was born. I knew he would arrive when he did. I had dreams about all 3 kids and was bonded with them before I ever saw them.

[Anonymous]

I'm also saddened to read the negative comments about adoption. I posted earlier that I was adopted as an infant, and have in turn adopted a child who was also an infant. I also have a child by birth. To be fair, I didn't bond with either of my children until a little later. It was more, what the heck am I supposed to do with them? But I'm happy to report that I love, love, love BOTH of my children and am totally bonded with them now.

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP, I know someone who adopted two kids from another/same country. The mom acts out toward other kids, as if she feels threatened by them somehow. It makes no sense to those of us who love children. But it makes me see PP's point of having/adopting kids as a sick status symbol. They really are not fooling anyone. I just hope the kids get what they need in life, clearly their parents did not. Unfortunately, this kind of parent is everywhere.

[Anonymous]

To the PP who's getting attacked (by a single poster, I suspect) for telling the story of her birth mother as best she knows it: There is nothing "strange" about you, and you're not alone. Count me as another happy, well-adjusted adult adoptee who would, nonetheless, love to meet my birth mother just to tell her, It's OK. I'm OK. You got handed some tough circumstances and you did what you thought was best, and I've always wanted to thank you for it.

The details my parents received from the lawyer who handled the adoption: Birth mom was 28 and married to my birth father, 30, who died while she was pregnant. (I've known I was adopted as long as I can remember, but my mom spared me that detail until I was in my 30s.)

This is just me guessing, but I think chances are good I probably have older siblings and the financial weight was too much for her to bear alone.

But I have to reiterate, I'm happy. I love my parents, and sad circumstances are just part of how I came to my family. Life is messy. Adoptees understand this and, to varying degrees, we make our peace with it.

[Anonymous]

I came to this thread as my husband and I consider adopting an older (age 6 or above) child.

I do not understand the negative posters either, commenting that someone "thinks oddly" or just judging what should be an open dialog.

I thank those parents and children who have either adopted or been adopted for posting. It is useful to hear from people with first-hand experience. While a few say that they regret adopting, it seems that the majority are quite happy with how things have turned out, even if there have been bumps along the road.

As many have commented, it isn't as though there aren't biological parents who count down the days until their kids go off to college. We counted down, but with a great sadness. Parenting is one of the things that has brought us great joy (we've got 2 grown sons) and the reason that we are considering adopting (at age 49 another baby is unlikely and we are thinking that a child who graduates high school before we turn 65 might be good). I'm trying to be sure that I'm being realistic and yet not be frightened by the gloom and doom folks.

We are looking at some of the summer camp programs that place adoptable children with prospective parents.

Thanks for the constructive input (to those who provided it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I came to this thread as my husband and I consider adopting an older (age 6 or above) child.

I do not understand the negative posters either, commenting that someone "thinks oddly" or just judging what should be an open dialog.

I thank those parents and children who have either adopted or been adopted for posting. It is useful to hear from people with first-hand experience. While a few say that they regret adopting, it seems that the majority are quite happy with how things have turned out, even if there have been bumps along the road.

As many have commented, it isn't as though there aren't biological parents who count down the days until their kids go off to college. We counted down, but with a great sadness. Parenting is one of the things that has brought us great joy (we've got 2 grown sons) and the reason that we are considering adopting (at age 49 another baby is unlikely and we are thinking that a child who graduates high school before we turn 65 might be good). I'm trying to be sure that I'm being realistic and yet not be frightened by the gloom and doom folks.

We are looking at some of the summer camp programs that place adoptable children with prospective parents.

Thanks for the constructive input (to those who provided it).

As an adoptive parent, I will be honest - there is no way in hell I would adopt an 6 yr old from one of those programs. I believe you are looking at the ones where children come from foreign orphanages? These children have very real and very serious problems. This is not the kind of child to avoid an empty nest with. I have know many children who were adopted from overseas orphanages and the only children without an entire alphabet of problems are the ones who came home as infants BUT those children simply have a shorter list of problems.

[Anonymous]

20:59, I was internationally adopted as an infant, as was my daughter, and I can assure you that neither of us has a "shorter list of problems." Nor does my sister, who was also adopted as an infant. Please don't generalize and say that all adoptees have some sort of issue because not all do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20:59, I was internationally adopted as an infant, as was my daughter, and I can assure you that neither of us has a "shorter list of problems." Nor does my sister, who was also adopted as an infant. Please don't generalize and say that all adoptees have some sort of issue because not all do.

I think it depends on where you were adopted from and when. Every single one of the kids I've seen come out of the former Soviet Union have had problems, some of them very severe. The vast majority of kids I've seen from Africa, China and Central America have not.

[Anonymous]

20:59, please do not listen to 4:55. We adopted a five year old from Ethiopia. I don't know about the laundry list of problems to which 4:55 reference. We are looking to adopt another child between 3-6 as I want to maintain the birth order. We do not regret our adoption one bit. It has been a joy. Will there be trials and tribulations, yes. But, maybe my adopted son will not give to me in spades what I gave my birth parents as I stumbled and tumbled during my toddler, pre-teen and teenage years.

Good lord, half the families in America are Dysfunctional with a capital D. Birth children with laundry lists of problems. If you are serious about adopting an older child go with a reputable agency that will provide you with all and known medical records. Good luck.