Husband's request

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex used to ask me this question, then say “I could hire a nanny for $10/hr who would do the same things you do”.
He did not use it in divorce (at least not yet, it is still not finalized), but it is a very insulting and demeaning question.
I don’t think there is any response that makes sense.
I would listen to the family lawyer PP. ignore the request and go see several lawyers.

I’m sorry, I know this has nothing to do with your point, but I’m kind of laughing out loud that he thinks he can hire a nanny for $10/hour! In many DC neighborhoods you wouldn’t even get a tween mother’s helper for that much.

Ha! I was usually beyond wanting to prove anything to him at that point, I mean when he would mention the nanny prices.
He often comes up with some bogus numbers so that wasn’t something new.

[Anonymous]

That is a very loaded question OP.

It is also very degrading as well.

Perhaps it is time to throw in the towel if he’s too stupid to realize your value at this point.

[Anonymous]

Ten dollars an hr. for a Nanny.....??!

He is living in a Dreamworld.

I live in SoCal where the minimum wage is $13/hr.
Soon to be $14/hr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH asked me to write a list of what I am contributing to the marriage. His exact words were, "what value do you provide for me?"

For context, I do work FT and take care of our two kids when not working. One of our issues is that I make $100k and he makes $600k. I also make dinner every night. Clean up around the house of course.

I find this question kind of insulting. What do you think?

As an attorney, I'd say to take this to a lawyer immediately. It sounds to me like he's getting ready to file for a divorce and trying to estimate how hard of hit he's going to take.

Again, as an attorney, I would highly recommend you not answer his demand. If this is divorce pretense, which I strongly suspect, his attorney will only use it against you.

Ignore people on here telling you what to say to him. Go talk to a lawyer. Now.

I'm NOT an attorney, and I agree with this PP /\ /\ Do, NOW, what they say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH asked me to write a list of what I am contributing to the marriage. His exact words were, "what value do you provide for me?"

For context, I do work FT and take care of our two kids when not working. One of our issues is that I make $100k and he makes $600k. I also make dinner every night. Clean up around the house of course.

I find this question kind of insulting. What do you think?

I think...that I would not need DCUM to tell me how utterly f***ed up and demeaning this exchange was, and how my spouse is a garbage human who is likely gearing up to divorce me.

No one should put up with this kind of behavior from a spouse, OP. Please see a lawyer and prepare yourself.

[Anonymous]

If he is in finance, he has seen a lawyer and probably has a prenup. A man making 600k is no fool.

[Anonymous]

I would answer his question with a question. What do you think I have contributed to your life?

What you really contribute is not what people perceive as what you have contributed. So no matter how much you do, if he does appreciate them then you can keep telling him but nothing will get through his head.

By have him elaborate how much does he feel you contributed to his life, then you will know why he asked you this question and confirm your feeling if you should file the divorce paper.

Meanwhile, yes I agree with other posters that you should consult with divorce attorneys and start making exist plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he is in finance, he has seen a lawyer and probably has a prenup. A man making 600k is no fool.

Oftentimes people don’t go into the marriage making 600k, especially if tgis is a first marriage. High earners typically work their way up there, while building a family, because of a supportive spouse who handles the lionshare of the work on the home front. I’d bet no prenup in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is in finance, he has seen a lawyer and probably has a prenup. A man making 600k is no fool.

Oftentimes people don’t go into the marriage making 600k, especially if tgis is a first marriage. High earners typically work their way up there, while building a family, because of a supportive spouse who handles the lionshare of the work on the home front. I’d bet no prenup in this situation.

True but he is no fool. We assume that the wife is making a contribution and assume that he is only working. Either way, it sounds like he is done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wants more sex. That’s what the list is about.

+1. I'm surprised it took this many pages to flag sex as an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ten dollars an hr. for a Nanny.....??!

He is living in a Dreamworld.

I live in SoCal where the minimum wage is $13/hr.
Soon to be $14/hr.

For a family pulling in $700k per year, $14/hour is peanuts. It's like 4% of their income.

[Anonymous]

Once you're in a position where you have to prove your worth to your spouse, you're in a deeply toxic space. Don't start to list things for him. If he doesn't know then that's his issue. You don't have to prove yourself valuable or worthy to anyone, not even your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's toying with divorce. This list will help him figure out if it's better to do it all alone or stay with you.

Ask yourself, do you really want to stay married to him?

She will get half, and he makes $600K.

She will get half.... of their marital assets.
But he keeps all of his $600K (minus perhaps some childcare).
Income is not a "marital asset" (or any kind of asset really).

Actually. You’re wrong in suggesting spousal income not factoring into final settlement value. Alimony is based on the standard of living established while married. So — yeah a nice alimony check is coming Op’s way. Doesn’t include child support either. He makes 6x what she does — he will pay even with 50/50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's toying with divorce. This list will help him figure out if it's better to do it all alone or stay with you.

Ask yourself, do you really want to stay married to him?

She will get half, and he makes $600K.

She will get half.... of their marital assets.
But he keeps all of his $600K (minus perhaps some childcare).
Income is not a "marital asset" (or any kind of asset really).

It is factored into alimony calculations so both spouses maintain the same standard of living as when married. It’s not fair for two people to be in it together, live wonderfully, the person making more becomes an asshole, and then splits up. Both invested in the marriage differently.

[Anonymous]

What ethnic background is this fool? The reason why I’m asking is a close friend of mine’s husband asked the same question, but even worse, out-sourced the question to his mother. The MIL emailed my friend about 1 month after she gave birth and asked the same question. She said a good Korean wife would be able to take care of baby AND meet husband’s needs. They are divorced now, but had a nasty battle. I’m also Asian and have noticed this could be cultural and generational. Not an excuse for such disrespect though.

I agree with everyone who says don’t answer the question and look into divorce and protecting yourself and the kids financially and emotionally.