What caused the shift in “quality parenting”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH was born in 62 and raised in “children should be seen and not heard” mode.

I feel like it wasn’t particularly nurturing. Him and his siblings have issues with relationships, communication, expressing feelings . So I can’t exactly say it turned out alright.

I want to add that his mom was a SAH and her parenting involvement was to say “go outside and play” and his dad looked at kids from behind a newspaper.

I think this generation overcompensating for neglect.

Benign neglect for the most part. “Go outside and play” is one of the best things you can say to a kid.

I think we are overcompensating too!

[Anonymous]

Pendulum swing from benign neglect to helicopter parenting. Somewhere in the middle is probably better for all kids.

[Anonymous]

I was thinking about his too. When I was in early elementary school through junior high, my mom would frequently drop me off at my bff’s house on Friday after school and not pick me up till Sunday afternoon. I loved those “Nancy weekends”. Sometimes my brother would come along as Nancy’s brother and my brother were friends. While at Nancy’s house we would be 100% unsupervised. Like, sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag. Play hours upon hours of Nintendo. Rummage through the fridge when we’re hungry. Make hot chop plate sludge. To my mind as a parent of young elementary school kids, this was INSANE. First, I would be truly sad to miss all that quality time with my kids. Second, in hindsight my mom knew that nancys mom (her good friend) had issues and the dad was often traveling (no sitter). I’m sure there were lots of points during those weekends when no parent was home but I truly did not notice. Oh well! Nancy and I are still good friends but I don’t think she’s as lax a parent as her or my mom we’re either.

[Anonymous]

I don't think its changed at all as every family had a different parenting style and there was no one size fit all 20-40 years ago. You had a huge range like you do now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody has mentioned the amazing brain research that shows 80% of a child’s brain is wired by age 3 and 90% by age 5. It suddenly seems very important to invest in “quality time” at an age when, in previous generations, kids were still assumed to be blobs.

This is a really good point. It’s the main reason I outsource a lot and spend most of the time I’m at home engaged with my DD instead of cooking/cleaning. Once she hits elementary school, I’ll start to pick up more housework again.

[Anonymous]

Freud happened, Anna and Sigfried. Then WW2 happened, and saw what happens when kids grow up in orphanages without a primary caregiver. At around the same time, women who had worked during the war started wanting to work, and their daughters went to work in droves.

Now we have research saying that kids NEED that bond, at the same time, women are going to work, and on top of it, no one is around to show them how to mother because their own mothers/sisters/friends are at work. So, women become very anxious and start seriously overcompensating for their anxiety. Clever entrepreneurs see a market, and that’s it. Parenting books, baby gym, etc etc manipulate, exploit, and feed on that anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody has mentioned the amazing brain research that shows 80% of a child’s brain is wired by age 3 and 90% by age 5. It suddenly seems very important to invest in “quality time” at an age when, in previous generations, kids were still assumed to be blobs.

This is a really good point. It’s the main reason I outsource a lot and spend most of the time I’m at home engaged with my DD instead of cooking/cleaning. Once she hits elementary school, I’ll start to pick up more housework again.

Good luck with that. Once your child sees you as their personal entertainer, it’s hard to go back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is a good point. I wonder if the "lack of village" contributes to parental burnout, impatience, etc. For those of us who have no local family or community, the relentlessness of being with your kids 24/7 can't be ignored. We love our kids, but there is no dropping them off at grandma's while we run a few errands. Date night means coordination of a babysitter, as does any adult function. Holidays means traveling with little ones and the expense of flights or days in the car. There is no running around with cousins on bored summer days, playdates have to be planned. This isn't exactly dumping your kid off on anyone else. Small, healthy breaks are needed.

Well, I can drop my kid off at MIL. She was a generation that neglected the kids. She was a SAM but her work was focused around being a house wife. The kids were sent outside all the time to play and fend for themselves and no time or attention spent on their development or academics.

So now when she is with my DC at home she doesn’t know what to do with it. She can’t send it outside. She doesn’t know how to interact and play with one. So she plops DC in front of TV or computer. And I’m being a quality parent don’t want DC to spend hours in front of a screen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was born in 1975 and while I played outside with friends a lot, my parents absolutely played with me (and my siblings). Board games, dolls (mom), sports (dad). My dad helped me with math homework. I don’t think my friends parents were appreciably different.

Same, born in 76 with two older siblings who were teens and off doing their own thing when I was in elementary. I think one big difference between now and then is that in addition to my mom playing with me, I basically followed her around the house and did everything with her. Mom's cleaning the floor? Hands me a rag and asks me to help. Mom's taking out trash? Hands me a bag and asks me to go get the upstairs trash. Mom's folding laundry? So am I. Mom's making dinner? Hands me a vegetable peeler to do the potatoes. I don't think this is the case anymore in most families (a lot of things get outsourced nowadays). My kids help me fold laundry, we just started the 6 year old helping out with trash. They help clean up the table after dinner. But I work full time, so I'm not doing the same things my mom did, and the kids aren't home at 3pm like I was (hell, my older kid's bus wouldn't even arrive until around 4:30 - which is only half an hour before I pick her up from after care).

My dad 100% helped me with all my math and science homework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is a good point. I wonder if the "lack of village" contributes to parental burnout, impatience, etc. For those of us who have no local family or community, the relentlessness of being with your kids 24/7 can't be ignored. We love our kids, but there is no dropping them off at grandma's while we run a few errands. Date night means coordination of a babysitter, as does any adult function. Holidays means traveling with little ones and the expense of flights or days in the car. There is no running around with cousins on bored summer days, playdates have to be planned. This isn't exactly dumping your kid off on anyone else. Small, healthy breaks are needed.

Well, I can drop my kid off at MIL. She was a generation that neglected the kids. She was a SAM but her work was focused around being a house wife. The kids were sent outside all the time to play and fend for themselves and no time or attention spent on their development or academics.

So now when she is with my DC at home she doesn’t know what to do with it. She can’t send it outside. She doesn’t know how to interact and play with one. So she plops DC in front of TV or computer. And I’m being a quality parent don’t want DC to spend hours in front of a screen.

Did you just refer to your child as "it"?

[Anonymous]

OP, it's competitive parenting. That's how it is now. That doesn't mean now is better than how it was in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nobody has mentioned the amazing brain research that shows 80% of a child’s brain is wired by age 3 and 90% by age 5. It suddenly seems very important to invest in “quality time” at an age when, in previous generations, kids were still assumed to be blobs.

This is a really good point. It’s the main reason I outsource a lot and spend most of the time I’m at home engaged with my DD instead of cooking/cleaning. Once she hits elementary school, I’ll start to pick up more housework again.

Good luck with that. Once your child sees you as their personal entertainer, it’s hard to go back.

NP but I also outsource what I can (cleaners every two weeks, Church morning daycare 2x/wk ) and SAH with my 3 year old. I don’t see a problem with what PP wrote. I’m assuming she does her daily dishes and cooks breakfast and lunch for herself and her child. I do that and my son gets plenty of play and free time but also helps with chores. It’s perfectly possible to set limits even when you stay at home, no need to be a “personal entertainer.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's competitive parenting. That's how it is now. That doesn't mean now is better than how it was in the past.

+1

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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's competitive parenting. That's how it is now. That doesn't mean now is better than how it was in the past.

+1

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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t associate helicopter parenting with the boomers at all. My boomer parents, and those of every childhood friend I can think
of, were quite the opposite.

I do associate baby boomer parents with heavily researching pregnancy and childbirth;; being very involved in preschool selection and schools and clubs and being helicopter parents.

What to Expect When You're Expecting was first published in 1984. The typical 24-30 year old parents would have been born in 1954 to 1960 ... Baby Boomers were born between 1944 and 1964 so this book was influential for the later Baby Boomers and is typical of what they read. Ferber's book "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problem" came out in 1985. These were huge books for Boomers and typical of their being very involved with every detail of their baby's lives.

My parents were whatever the generation before Boomers was (Lost? Silent?) and I'm an older GenX. I guarantee you Mom and Dad didn't read any books about pregnancy or how to get kids to fall asleep. They just did what they wanted or what their one doctor said (no doctor shopping). They did not research preschools. You went to the preschool that was closest if you went at all, and the public school that was nearest your house.

My parents were the same generation as yours and they definitely were reading books about parenting. I remember seeing the Dr. Spock book and at least two others whose names and authors I don’t remember. I was the oldest kid, so I remember my parents reading these books as my younger siblings were born.