elder care versus childcare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Medicare does pay for hospice for those who qualify.

https://www.aarp.org/health/medicare-insurance/info-02-2010/ask_ms_medicare_question_78.html

https://www.elderlawanswers.com/understanding-medicares-hospice-benefit-16990

One can qualify with any major change. My loved one had a huge weight loss and got approved. With hospice care and them helping us advocate, she gained weight and was terminated from hospice. A few months later when she got sick, they came back. Sadly she passed too quickly for them to be of much help as it takes a few weeks to get fully set up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:The are very similar--it's about time employers recognize it too and accommodate those that take care of elderly.

Neither should be "accommodated."

So people with a terminally ill parent should just not make a living anymore????

Most elderly care is not for terminal people and then you bring in hospice and other supports. This has nothing to do with employment.

That's not how reality works for many of us. I'm glad you can do it, but for me, elderly care took a toll on my career and hospice could only do so much. What do you do when it's not within 6 months of death, but the condition is still serious.

I did 24/7 care for about a year then nursing home and was still there frequently and managing everything. It was a ton of work but it doesn't have to do with employment. You do it nights/weekends/hire a caregiver/nursing home. You make it work. We did it for years.

No. I couldn't do 24/7 care like that. I love my parents but my own health, husband and kids are my priority. This idea that we somehow owe it to our parents to destroy the quality of our own lives in order to make their final years comfortable is just...so very wrong. I would never expect my children to forgo their own happiness and independence like that.

As a parent, I owe it to my kids to give them the best start in life that I know how to give them. That is my job. I hope they will visit me but I do not want them to feel obligated to take care of me.

Then, why are you even commenting on this topic? Not all of us have the option NOT to care for family members in our home. My family member (well, my husband's technically) had no money and no place to live. The only option was us until we could get medicaid to pay for a nursing home. I teach my kids we take care of family and they are equally important.

NP. Trouble is times have changed. In the past when women didn't work they could probably shoulder more of the work for eldercare however times have changed. People are working, they are having kids later and I'm not sure family will have the finances, time and energy for all of it.

I think people will have to start planning for their elder years. Nursing homes will get stretched to capacity. There is a ton of support for women when they have a baby, maternity leave, mothers groups etc but not much for elder care. You are expected to work and do everything with little support. Whilst taking care of family is important sometimes the care expected is unrealistic.

With ageing populations all over the world increasing governments are going to have increase support for families.

What is your point? You are offering nothing relevant to the discussion. People do plan but those with low income cannot often save.

Wow, that's harsh and quite frankly rude. If you don't like what is posted then move along.

My point was that there is help via medicare and support services offered through the community. The government will have to help more in coming years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a bad argument because it makes both sides get upset. And everyone has different experiences and levels of work. Even the last week with my terminal cancer parent dying wasn’t the same as the first week with a newborn waking hourly. I also had a lot more help with my parent and more visitors. With my newborns it was just my dh (and newborns aren’t all easy, I had one very difficult one and an easy one). One parent got his cancer diagnosis and died 3 weeks later. It was a messy, brutal 3 weeks and he died at home. But there was hospice help and morphine. The other parent has had dementia for 8 years. No way should a job accommodate that. Just like with a baby/child, you need care during the day that allows you to go to work.

I think work should allow you 12 weeks (mine was unpaid) maternity leave and then sick leave to deal with parents’ appointments. I work a 9 hour day and have a day off every other week that’s back to back appointments. That allows me to help but also allows me to be a good employee.

I think you are being unreasonable. You could have taken 6-8 weeks maternity leave and then still had FLMA or leave for parents appointments. If you are taking off 12 week and then a day or two every week, you are not being a good employee. Your personal life is interfering with work.

You aren't understanding the reality this poster is saying. We had a dementia situation and it lasted 5 years. The very end lasted 3 weeks and it was horrible. Its very different than what you are saying. You have no concept of this type of care.

actually I DO have experience with that type of care. Like I said, my parent has dementia for 8 years and is end stage. That parent doesn't need accommodating from work, they need 24/7 nursing care. No way could I provide that and work.

I'm not taking off work. I work 80 hours in 9 days and get the 10th day off. I'm an excellent employee.

So, what is your point if you don't have any direct experience. Managing someone in a nursing home is very different than 24/7 care, especially if you only visit every few weeks and not daily helping with care. If they are at the end stage, call in hospice for more care. They can go into the nursing home. Medicare pays for it.

Are you saying that you are at home caring for a dementia patient 24/7, every day, all day? If so, bless your heart because my father was in a locked dementia ward and it was a brutal experience to just visit him. Most elderly people are only at an end stage for a blessedly short time which is where hospice comes in.

1st pp here. Truly you cannot care for a dementia patient 24/7 without going insane. I have toddlers and wouldn't be present in my family's lives if I cared for my parent 24/7. Like I said, it's been 8 years. They're not in ill health, so not hospice. They have caregivers that they pay for out of savings, but still extensive care from me. Like I said, a full day of appointments every other week. I'm just stating kindly that caring for elderly is not something that workplaces can even begin to accommodate because NO ONE could care for my parent and also keep a job 40 hours a week. You're just not able. And I'm sure most people don't also have toddlers too, but it is what it is. I truly only think workplaces should accommodate emergency appointments for family members.

You can do it. There are adult day cares, some have money to pay for caregivers. We had neither. I quit my job to stay home. There was no money. It took me a year to get a nursing home bed and approved for medicaid. I had toddlers at the time, one with SN. And, yes, it was hard after that year. My spouse would have liked to keep her at home but I couldn't do it anymore nor did we have the space or support to continue to do it at home. My spouses job is very flexible. He was able to spend the last few weeks working at the nursing home to be there till the end. The job I had would never allow more than an hour or so every few weeks and it wouldn't have been possible so I had to quit.

My dad got kicked out of adult daycare. When it gets bad, it gets REALLY bad. If the professionals can't deal with them, how can a spouse or an adult child handle them all alone at home? No choice but to put him in a locked dementia ward.

Most adult day cares are pretty bad. The one we tried was. What do you think they do in the nursing home. They drug them. Lucky you for having that option. With no money it took us a year to get her in a nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The are very similar--it's about time employers recognize it too and accommodate those that take care of elderly.

Neither should be "accommodated."

So people with a terminally ill parent should just not make a living anymore????

Most elderly care is not for terminal people and then you bring in hospice and other supports. This has nothing to do with employment.

That's not how reality works for many of us. I'm glad you can do it, but for me, elderly care took a toll on my career and hospice could only do so much. What do you do when it's not within 6 months of death, but the condition is still serious.

I did 24/7 care for about a year then nursing home and was still there frequently and managing everything. It was a ton of work but it doesn't have to do with employment. You do it nights/weekends/hire a caregiver/nursing home. You make it work. We did it for years.

No. I couldn't do 24/7 care like that. I love my parents but my own health, husband and kids are my priority. This idea that we somehow owe it to our parents to destroy the quality of our own lives in order to make their final years comfortable is just...so very wrong. I would never expect my children to forgo their own happiness and independence like that.

As a parent, I owe it to my kids to give them the best start in life that I know how to give them. That is my job. I hope they will visit me but I do not want them to feel obligated to take care of me.

Then, why are you even commenting on this topic? Not all of us have the option NOT to care for family members in our home. My family member (well, my husband's technically) had no money and no place to live. The only option was us until we could get medicaid to pay for a nursing home. I teach my kids we take care of family and they are equally important.

NP. Trouble is times have changed. In the past when women didn't work they could probably shoulder more of the work for eldercare however times have changed. People are working, they are having kids later and I'm not sure family will have the finances, time and energy for all of it.

I think people will have to start planning for their elder years. Nursing homes will get stretched to capacity. There is a ton of support for women when they have a baby, maternity leave, mothers groups etc but not much for elder care. You are expected to work and do everything with little support. Whilst taking care of family is important sometimes the care expected is unrealistic.

With ageing populations all over the world increasing governments are going to have increase support for families.

What is your point? You are offering nothing relevant to the discussion. People do plan but those with low income cannot often save.

Wow, that's harsh and quite frankly rude. If you don't like what is posted then move along.

My point was that there is help via medicare and support services offered through the community. The government will have to help more in coming years.

Medicare does not provide nursing care. It is Medicaid and there are very little in home supports. Been there and done that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who was my father's caregiver in my late 20's for 3 years before he died---I found it very challenging. Work places and my social circles solely conceptualized caregiving as being a parent--and it was very child-centered. Not so much with a elderly, terminal father in mind.

Now that I'm 35, and I have kids----I honestly find it a breeze compared to caring for an elderly parent. I find it hard to relate to my peers because I just feel like figuring out logistics surrounding childcare is just more solvable and there are far more resources. For instance, last week, sitter was sick--I brought my daughter in to work and had her watch an ipad movie with headphones. I could never do that with my father in the height of his Parkisnons.

I am writing because I never really know where to fit in---and you all are just great resources and I thank you

Agree with this. Being a parent is much easier than taking care of a sick parent.

They are not the same thing at all. Not even in the same ballpark. With children there are milestones to reach and a new joy every day. With a sick parent every day is a struggle with each day being a little worse than the one before it. I couldn't live that 24/7.

Sometimes you have no choice but to live with it.

When they have dementia and are no longer themselves it is more than I could deal with on a daily basis. We all have our limits. That is mine. I know because I've BTDT.

Agree but sometimes you have no choice. We did not.

[Anonymous]

The future is not looking good. Most people do not have 100K and up per year to pay for care. We just plain live too long, so nobody is dying of quick heart attacks or even plain and simple cancer. They lapse into dementia with a pile of chronic illnesses. We also do not have an unlimited supply of low-status women to dump on, so the army of primarily women of color that work in homecare tending to the "massahs." I find it morally repugnant, no better than having house servants back in the day.

I have nobody to guilt into caregiving, no kids, so will just take the "business class to Zurich" in the early stages of dementia. 30K will cover everything, a lot cheaper than a nursing home and nobody has to tend to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The future is not looking good. Most people do not have 100K and up per year to pay for care. We just plain live too long, so nobody is dying of quick heart attacks or even plain and simple cancer. They lapse into dementia with a pile of chronic illnesses. We also do not have an unlimited supply of low-status women to dump on, so the army of primarily women of color that work in homecare tending to the "massahs." I find it morally repugnant, no better than having house servants back in the day.

I have nobody to guilt into caregiving, no kids, so will just take the "business class to Zurich" in the early stages of dementia. 30K will cover everything, a lot cheaper than a nursing home and nobody has to tend to me.

I would much prefer to die that way then live a nursing home drugged and neglected. Dementia is a horrific way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a bad argument because it makes both sides get upset. And everyone has different experiences and levels of work. Even the last week with my terminal cancer parent dying wasn’t the same as the first week with a newborn waking hourly. I also had a lot more help with my parent and more visitors. With my newborns it was just my dh (and newborns aren’t all easy, I had one very difficult one and an easy one). One parent got his cancer diagnosis and died 3 weeks later. It was a messy, brutal 3 weeks and he died at home. But there was hospice help and morphine. The other parent has had dementia for 8 years. No way should a job accommodate that. Just like with a baby/child, you need care during the day that allows you to go to work.

I think work should allow you 12 weeks (mine was unpaid) maternity leave and then sick leave to deal with parents’ appointments. I work a 9 hour day and have a day off every other week that’s back to back appointments. That allows me to help but also allows me to be a good employee.

I think you are being unreasonable. You could have taken 6-8 weeks maternity leave and then still had FLMA or leave for parents appointments. If you are taking off 12 week and then a day or two every week, you are not being a good employee. Your personal life is interfering with work.

You aren't understanding the reality this poster is saying. We had a dementia situation and it lasted 5 years. The very end lasted 3 weeks and it was horrible. Its very different than what you are saying. You have no concept of this type of care.

actually I DO have experience with that type of care. Like I said, my parent has dementia for 8 years and is end stage. That parent doesn't need accommodating from work, they need 24/7 nursing care. No way could I provide that and work.

I'm not taking off work. I work 80 hours in 9 days and get the 10th day off. I'm an excellent employee.

So, what is your point if you don't have any direct experience. Managing someone in a nursing home is very different than 24/7 care, especially if you only visit every few weeks and not daily helping with care. If they are at the end stage, call in hospice for more care. They can go into the nursing home. Medicare pays for it.

Are you saying that you are at home caring for a dementia patient 24/7, every day, all day? If so, bless your heart because my father was in a locked dementia ward and it was a brutal experience to just visit him. Most elderly people are only at an end stage for a blessedly short time which is where hospice comes in.

1st pp here. Truly you cannot care for a dementia patient 24/7 without going insane. I have toddlers and wouldn't be present in my family's lives if I cared for my parent 24/7. Like I said, it's been 8 years. They're not in ill health, so not hospice. They have caregivers that they pay for out of savings, but still extensive care from me. Like I said, a full day of appointments every other week. I'm just stating kindly that caring for elderly is not something that workplaces can even begin to accommodate because NO ONE could care for my parent and also keep a job 40 hours a week. You're just not able. And I'm sure most people don't also have toddlers too, but it is what it is. I truly only think workplaces should accommodate emergency appointments for family members.

You can do it. There are adult day cares, some have money to pay for caregivers. We had neither. I quit my job to stay home. There was no money. It took me a year to get a nursing home bed and approved for medicaid. I had toddlers at the time, one with SN. And, yes, it was hard after that year. My spouse would have liked to keep her at home but I couldn't do it anymore nor did we have the space or support to continue to do it at home. My spouses job is very flexible. He was able to spend the last few weeks working at the nursing home to be there till the end. The job I had would never allow more than an hour or so every few weeks and it wouldn't have been possible so I had to quit.

My dad got kicked out of adult daycare. When it gets bad, it gets REALLY bad. If the professionals can't deal with them, how can a spouse or an adult child handle them all alone at home? No choice but to put him in a locked dementia ward.

Most adult day cares are pretty bad. The one we tried was. What do you think they do in the nursing home. They drug them. Lucky you for having that option. With no money it took us a year to get her in a nursing home.

My mom was looking at using their life savings to pay for nursing home care for my dad which would have left her destitute.....that's some kind of "lucky" ain't it? I saw a 90 year old man caring for his late 80's wife who had advanced Alzheimer's and had started to get out and wander off, sometimes in the middle of the night, sometimes along a high speed, busy road...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a bad argument because it makes both sides get upset. And everyone has different experiences and levels of work. Even the last week with my terminal cancer parent dying wasn’t the same as the first week with a newborn waking hourly. I also had a lot more help with my parent and more visitors. With my newborns it was just my dh (and newborns aren’t all easy, I had one very difficult one and an easy one). One parent got his cancer diagnosis and died 3 weeks later. It was a messy, brutal 3 weeks and he died at home. But there was hospice help and morphine. The other parent has had dementia for 8 years. No way should a job accommodate that. Just like with a baby/child, you need care during the day that allows you to go to work.

I think work should allow you 12 weeks (mine was unpaid) maternity leave and then sick leave to deal with parents’ appointments. I work a 9 hour day and have a day off every other week that’s back to back appointments. That allows me to help but also allows me to be a good employee.

I think you are being unreasonable. You could have taken 6-8 weeks maternity leave and then still had FLMA or leave for parents appointments. If you are taking off 12 week and then a day or two every week, you are not being a good employee. Your personal life is interfering with work.

You aren't understanding the reality this poster is saying. We had a dementia situation and it lasted 5 years. The very end lasted 3 weeks and it was horrible. Its very different than what you are saying. You have no concept of this type of care.

actually I DO have experience with that type of care. Like I said, my parent has dementia for 8 years and is end stage. That parent doesn't need accommodating from work, they need 24/7 nursing care. No way could I provide that and work.

I'm not taking off work. I work 80 hours in 9 days and get the 10th day off. I'm an excellent employee.

So, what is your point if you don't have any direct experience. Managing someone in a nursing home is very different than 24/7 care, especially if you only visit every few weeks and not daily helping with care. If they are at the end stage, call in hospice for more care. They can go into the nursing home. Medicare pays for it.

Are you saying that you are at home caring for a dementia patient 24/7, every day, all day? If so, bless your heart because my father was in a locked dementia ward and it was a brutal experience to just visit him. Most elderly people are only at an end stage for a blessedly short time which is where hospice comes in.

1st pp here. Truly you cannot care for a dementia patient 24/7 without going insane. I have toddlers and wouldn't be present in my family's lives if I cared for my parent 24/7. Like I said, it's been 8 years. They're not in ill health, so not hospice. They have caregivers that they pay for out of savings, but still extensive care from me. Like I said, a full day of appointments every other week. I'm just stating kindly that caring for elderly is not something that workplaces can even begin to accommodate because NO ONE could care for my parent and also keep a job 40 hours a week. You're just not able. And I'm sure most people don't also have toddlers too, but it is what it is. I truly only think workplaces should accommodate emergency appointments for family members.

You can do it. There are adult day cares, some have money to pay for caregivers. We had neither. I quit my job to stay home. There was no money. It took me a year to get a nursing home bed and approved for medicaid. I had toddlers at the time, one with SN. And, yes, it was hard after that year. My spouse would have liked to keep her at home but I couldn't do it anymore nor did we have the space or support to continue to do it at home. My spouses job is very flexible. He was able to spend the last few weeks working at the nursing home to be there till the end. The job I had would never allow more than an hour or so every few weeks and it wouldn't have been possible so I had to quit.

My dad got kicked out of adult daycare. When it gets bad, it gets REALLY bad. If the professionals can't deal with them, how can a spouse or an adult child handle them all alone at home? No choice but to put him in a locked dementia ward.

Most adult day cares are pretty bad. The one we tried was. What do you think they do in the nursing home. They drug them. Lucky you for having that option. With no money it took us a year to get her in a nursing home.

My mom was looking at using their life savings to pay for nursing home care for my dad which would have left her destitute.....that's some kind of "lucky" ain't it? I saw a 90 year old man caring for his late 80's wife who had advanced Alzheimer's and had started to get out and wander off, sometimes in the middle of the night, sometimes along a high speed, busy road...

Long term care has an option to allow a spouse to keep the home and some money but they go after the estate upon both passing. It’s a horrible system. It would be nice if health insurance provided respite a few hours a day. People with money don’t understand that it’s not always simple as a nursing home or caregiver. Getting a Medicaid bed is near impossible.