elder care versus childcare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree but I am assuming that you did elder care alone and you have help from a partner with your kids?

Nope, I was married with elder care and we were both heavily involved. It's just I did elder care younger than most and my friends just couldn't relate and I was an anomaly (or so it seemed). With kids, most got it, checked in, actually acknowledged things---but it was challenging, but certainly not adversity.

I'm an academic and there's lots of talk about how to schedule meetings to accomodate faculty with kids. Noone talks about elder care

That's because it doesn't impact most people. Most people are not caring for an elderly family member in their home and if they are most have help coming in for the day to day stuff.

It hits them when they are older---and more stable financially and not a junior faculty member on the tenure track. timing is everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree but I am assuming that you did elder care alone and you have help from a partner with your kids?

Nope, I was married with elder care and we were both heavily involved. It's just I did elder care younger than most and my friends just couldn't relate and I was an anomaly (or so it seemed). With kids, most got it, checked in, actually acknowledged things---but it was challenging, but certainly not adversity.

I'm an academic and there's lots of talk about how to schedule meetings to accomodate faculty with kids. Noone talks about elder care

That's because it doesn't impact most people. Most people are not caring for an elderly family member in their home and if they are most have help coming in for the day to day stuff.

that is just not true. such a privileged generalization

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree but I am assuming that you did elder care alone and you have help from a partner with your kids?

Nope, I was married with elder care and we were both heavily involved. It's just I did elder care younger than most and my friends just couldn't relate and I was an anomaly (or so it seemed). With kids, most got it, checked in, actually acknowledged things---but it was challenging, but certainly not adversity.

I'm an academic and there's lots of talk about how to schedule meetings to accomodate faculty with kids. Noone talks about elder care

That's because it doesn't impact most people. Most people are not caring for an elderly family member in their home and if they are most have help coming in for the day to day stuff.

that is just not true. such a privileged generalization

What? No it is true. Most people are not caring for elderly family members in their home and those that are do often have some amount of outside help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The are very similar--it's about time employers recognize it too and accommodate those that take care of elderly.

Neither should be "accommodated."

So people with a terminally ill parent should just not make a living anymore????

Most elderly care is not for terminal people and then you bring in hospice and other supports. This has nothing to do with employment.

That's not how reality works for many of us. I'm glad you can do it, but for me, elderly care took a toll on my career and hospice could only do so much. What do you do when it's not within 6 months of death, but the condition is still serious.

I did 24/7 care for about a year then nursing home and was still there frequently and managing everything. It was a ton of work but it doesn't have to do with employment. You do it nights/weekends/hire a caregiver/nursing home. You make it work. We did it for years.

No. I couldn't do 24/7 care like that. I love my parents but my own health, husband and kids are my priority. This idea that we somehow owe it to our parents to destroy the quality of our own lives in order to make their final years comfortable is just...so very wrong. I would never expect my children to forgo their own happiness and independence like that.

As a parent, I owe it to my kids to give them the best start in life that I know how to give them. That is my job. I hope they will visit me but I do not want them to feel obligated to take care of me.

Then, why are you even commenting on this topic? Not all of us have the option NOT to care for family members in our home. My family member (well, my husband's technically) had no money and no place to live. The only option was us until we could get medicaid to pay for a nursing home. I teach my kids we take care of family and they are equally important.

What would have happened if you or your dh were sick and literally could not take your destitute parent in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The are very similar--it's about time employers recognize it too and accommodate those that take care of elderly.

Neither should be "accommodated."

So people with a terminally ill parent should just not make a living anymore????

Most elderly care is not for terminal people and then you bring in hospice and other supports. This has nothing to do with employment.

That's not how reality works for many of us. I'm glad you can do it, but for me, elderly care took a toll on my career and hospice could only do so much. What do you do when it's not within 6 months of death, but the condition is still serious.

I did 24/7 care for about a year then nursing home and was still there frequently and managing everything. It was a ton of work but it doesn't have to do with employment. You do it nights/weekends/hire a caregiver/nursing home. You make it work. We did it for years.

No. I couldn't do 24/7 care like that. I love my parents but my own health, husband and kids are my priority. This idea that we somehow owe it to our parents to destroy the quality of our own lives in order to make their final years comfortable is just...so very wrong. I would never expect my children to forgo their own happiness and independence like that.

As a parent, I owe it to my kids to give them the best start in life that I know how to give them. That is my job. I hope they will visit me but I do not want them to feel obligated to take care of me.

Then, why are you even commenting on this topic? Not all of us have the option NOT to care for family members in our home. My family member (well, my husband's technically) had no money and no place to live. The only option was us until we could get medicaid to pay for a nursing home. I teach my kids we take care of family and they are equally important.

NP. Trouble is times have changed. In the past when women didn't work they could probably shoulder more of the work for eldercare however times have changed. People are working, they are having kids later and I'm not sure family will have the finances, time and energy for all of it.

I think people will have to start planning for their elder years. Nursing homes will get stretched to capacity. There is a ton of support for women when they have a baby, maternity leave, mothers groups etc but not much for elder care. You are expected to work and do everything with little support. Whilst taking care of family is important sometimes the care expected is unrealistic.

With ageing populations all over the world increasing governments are going to have increase support for families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The are very similar--it's about time employers recognize it too and accommodate those that take care of elderly.

Neither should be "accommodated."

So people with a terminally ill parent should just not make a living anymore????

Most elderly care is not for terminal people and then you bring in hospice and other supports. This has nothing to do with employment.

That's not how reality works for many of us. I'm glad you can do it, but for me, elderly care took a toll on my career and hospice could only do so much. What do you do when it's not within 6 months of death, but the condition is still serious.

I did 24/7 care for about a year then nursing home and was still there frequently and managing everything. It was a ton of work but it doesn't have to do with employment. You do it nights/weekends/hire a caregiver/nursing home. You make it work. We did it for years.

No. I couldn't do 24/7 care like that. I love my parents but my own health, husband and kids are my priority. This idea that we somehow owe it to our parents to destroy the quality of our own lives in order to make their final years comfortable is just...so very wrong. I would never expect my children to forgo their own happiness and independence like that.

As a parent, I owe it to my kids to give them the best start in life that I know how to give them. That is my job. I hope they will visit me but I do not want them to feel obligated to take care of me.

Then, why are you even commenting on this topic? Not all of us have the option NOT to care for family members in our home. My family member (well, my husband's technically) had no money and no place to live. The only option was us until we could get medicaid to pay for a nursing home. I teach my kids we take care of family and they are equally important.

What would have happened if you or your dh were sick and literally could not take your destitute parent in?

I do have serious health issues, a SN child and a tiny home. What makes you think anything in our life or their life was ideal? We made it work. We had no other option. She had no one else and no place to go. She came with almost nothing as it was all stolen from her and we made it work. I wasn't going to let her be all alone with no one to care. What type of parent would I be not teaching my kids to take care of family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree but I am assuming that you did elder care alone and you have help from a partner with your kids?

Nope, I was married with elder care and we were both heavily involved. It's just I did elder care younger than most and my friends just couldn't relate and I was an anomaly (or so it seemed). With kids, most got it, checked in, actually acknowledged things---but it was challenging, but certainly not adversity.

I'm an academic and there's lots of talk about how to schedule meetings to accomodate faculty with kids. Noone talks about elder care

That's because it doesn't impact most people. Most people are not caring for an elderly family member in their home and if they are most have help coming in for the day to day stuff.

that is just not true. such a privileged generalization

It doesn't impact most people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree but I am assuming that you did elder care alone and you have help from a partner with your kids?

Nope, I was married with elder care and we were both heavily involved. It's just I did elder care younger than most and my friends just couldn't relate and I was an anomaly (or so it seemed). With kids, most got it, checked in, actually acknowledged things---but it was challenging, but certainly not adversity.

I'm an academic and there's lots of talk about how to schedule meetings to accomodate faculty with kids. Noone talks about elder care

That's because it doesn't impact most people. Most people are not caring for an elderly family member in their home and if they are most have help coming in for the day to day stuff.

It hits them when they are older---and more stable financially and not a junior faculty member on the tenure track. timing is everything.

Not always, our family member was in their 60's with early onset dementia. You make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a bad argument because it makes both sides get upset. And everyone has different experiences and levels of work. Even the last week with my terminal cancer parent dying wasn’t the same as the first week with a newborn waking hourly. I also had a lot more help with my parent and more visitors. With my newborns it was just my dh (and newborns aren’t all easy, I had one very difficult one and an easy one). One parent got his cancer diagnosis and died 3 weeks later. It was a messy, brutal 3 weeks and he died at home. But there was hospice help and morphine. The other parent has had dementia for 8 years. No way should a job accommodate that. Just like with a baby/child, you need care during the day that allows you to go to work.

I think work should allow you 12 weeks (mine was unpaid) maternity leave and then sick leave to deal with parents’ appointments. I work a 9 hour day and have a day off every other week that’s back to back appointments. That allows me to help but also allows me to be a good employee.

I think you are being unreasonable. You could have taken 6-8 weeks maternity leave and then still had FLMA or leave for parents appointments. If you are taking off 12 week and then a day or two every week, you are not being a good employee. Your personal life is interfering with work.

You aren't understanding the reality this poster is saying. We had a dementia situation and it lasted 5 years. The very end lasted 3 weeks and it was horrible. Its very different than what you are saying. You have no concept of this type of care.

FMLA is unpaid leave, right? How could parents with young children afford to take FMLA to care for their parents. Yes, they might be able to return to their job and not get fired for missing work....but how are they going to support their family? Maybe I don't understand FMLA very well.

FMLA is paid or unpaid. If you have sick or annual leave saved, you can use it for maternity leave, elderly care or your own health needs. I had years of sick and annual leave saved so it was a non-issue and maternity leave was fully paid for. Life is about choices. I choose to save my leave for having a child and/or family care. You choose to job jump or take vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree but I am assuming that you did elder care alone and you have help from a partner with your kids?

Nope, I was married with elder care and we were both heavily involved. It's just I did elder care younger than most and my friends just couldn't relate and I was an anomaly (or so it seemed). With kids, most got it, checked in, actually acknowledged things---but it was challenging, but certainly not adversity.

I'm an academic and there's lots of talk about how to schedule meetings to accomodate faculty with kids. Noone talks about elder care

That's because it doesn't impact most people. Most people are not caring for an elderly family member in their home and if they are most have help coming in for the day to day stuff.

that is just not true. such a privileged generalization

It doesn't impact most people.

https://www.caregiver.org/caregiver-statistics-demographics

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a bad argument because it makes both sides get upset. And everyone has different experiences and levels of work. Even the last week with my terminal cancer parent dying wasn’t the same as the first week with a newborn waking hourly. I also had a lot more help with my parent and more visitors. With my newborns it was just my dh (and newborns aren’t all easy, I had one very difficult one and an easy one). One parent got his cancer diagnosis and died 3 weeks later. It was a messy, brutal 3 weeks and he died at home. But there was hospice help and morphine. The other parent has had dementia for 8 years. No way should a job accommodate that. Just like with a baby/child, you need care during the day that allows you to go to work.

I think work should allow you 12 weeks (mine was unpaid) maternity leave and then sick leave to deal with parents’ appointments. I work a 9 hour day and have a day off every other week that’s back to back appointments. That allows me to help but also allows me to be a good employee.

I think you are being unreasonable. You could have taken 6-8 weeks maternity leave and then still had FLMA or leave for parents appointments. If you are taking off 12 week and then a day or two every week, you are not being a good employee. Your personal life is interfering with work.

You aren't understanding the reality this poster is saying. We had a dementia situation and it lasted 5 years. The very end lasted 3 weeks and it was horrible. Its very different than what you are saying. You have no concept of this type of care.

actually I DO have experience with that type of care. Like I said, my parent has dementia for 8 years and is end stage. That parent doesn't need accommodating from work, they need 24/7 nursing care. No way could I provide that and work.

I'm not taking off work. I work 80 hours in 9 days and get the 10th day off. I'm an excellent employee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a bad argument because it makes both sides get upset. And everyone has different experiences and levels of work. Even the last week with my terminal cancer parent dying wasn’t the same as the first week with a newborn waking hourly. I also had a lot more help with my parent and more visitors. With my newborns it was just my dh (and newborns aren’t all easy, I had one very difficult one and an easy one). One parent got his cancer diagnosis and died 3 weeks later. It was a messy, brutal 3 weeks and he died at home. But there was hospice help and morphine. The other parent has had dementia for 8 years. No way should a job accommodate that. Just like with a baby/child, you need care during the day that allows you to go to work.

I think work should allow you 12 weeks (mine was unpaid) maternity leave and then sick leave to deal with parents’ appointments. I work a 9 hour day and have a day off every other week that’s back to back appointments. That allows me to help but also allows me to be a good employee.

I think you are being unreasonable. You could have taken 6-8 weeks maternity leave and then still had FLMA or leave for parents appointments. If you are taking off 12 week and then a day or two every week, you are not being a good employee. Your personal life is interfering with work.

You aren't understanding the reality this poster is saying. We had a dementia situation and it lasted 5 years. The very end lasted 3 weeks and it was horrible. Its very different than what you are saying. You have no concept of this type of care.

FMLA is unpaid leave, right? How could parents with young children afford to take FMLA to care for their parents. Yes, they might be able to return to their job and not get fired for missing work....but how are they going to support their family? Maybe I don't understand FMLA very well.

FMLA is paid or unpaid. If you have sick or annual leave saved, you can use it for maternity leave, elderly care or your own health needs. I had years of sick and annual leave saved so it was a non-issue and maternity leave was fully paid for. Life is about choices. I choose to save my leave for having a child and/or family care. You choose to job jump or take vacations.

At my former company you either used your leave or you lost it. It didn't roll over to the next year. That said, I did use the sick and annual leave that I had accrued, as well as, my maternity leave when my first was born. If I had wanted more time off after that I could have taken it unpaid using FMLA. FMLA guaranteed that I could return to work but it did not guarantee that I could return in the same position. It didn't matter, because I wound up quitting work to SAH with my baby anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a bad argument because it makes both sides get upset. And everyone has different experiences and levels of work. Even the last week with my terminal cancer parent dying wasn’t the same as the first week with a newborn waking hourly. I also had a lot more help with my parent and more visitors. With my newborns it was just my dh (and newborns aren’t all easy, I had one very difficult one and an easy one). One parent got his cancer diagnosis and died 3 weeks later. It was a messy, brutal 3 weeks and he died at home. But there was hospice help and morphine. The other parent has had dementia for 8 years. No way should a job accommodate that. Just like with a baby/child, you need care during the day that allows you to go to work.

I think work should allow you 12 weeks (mine was unpaid) maternity leave and then sick leave to deal with parents’ appointments. I work a 9 hour day and have a day off every other week that’s back to back appointments. That allows me to help but also allows me to be a good employee.

I think you are being unreasonable. You could have taken 6-8 weeks maternity leave and then still had FLMA or leave for parents appointments. If you are taking off 12 week and then a day or two every week, you are not being a good employee. Your personal life is interfering with work.

You aren't understanding the reality this poster is saying. We had a dementia situation and it lasted 5 years. The very end lasted 3 weeks and it was horrible. Its very different than what you are saying. You have no concept of this type of care.

actually I DO have experience with that type of care. Like I said, my parent has dementia for 8 years and is end stage. That parent doesn't need accommodating from work, they need 24/7 nursing care. No way could I provide that and work.

I'm not taking off work. I work 80 hours in 9 days and get the 10th day off. I'm an excellent employee.

So, what is your point if you don't have any direct experience. Managing someone in a nursing home is very different than 24/7 care, especially if you only visit every few weeks and not daily helping with care. If they are at the end stage, call in hospice for more care. They can go into the nursing home. Medicare pays for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a bad argument because it makes both sides get upset. And everyone has different experiences and levels of work. Even the last week with my terminal cancer parent dying wasn’t the same as the first week with a newborn waking hourly. I also had a lot more help with my parent and more visitors. With my newborns it was just my dh (and newborns aren’t all easy, I had one very difficult one and an easy one). One parent got his cancer diagnosis and died 3 weeks later. It was a messy, brutal 3 weeks and he died at home. But there was hospice help and morphine. The other parent has had dementia for 8 years. No way should a job accommodate that. Just like with a baby/child, you need care during the day that allows you to go to work.

I think work should allow you 12 weeks (mine was unpaid) maternity leave and then sick leave to deal with parents’ appointments. I work a 9 hour day and have a day off every other week that’s back to back appointments. That allows me to help but also allows me to be a good employee.

I think you are being unreasonable. You could have taken 6-8 weeks maternity leave and then still had FLMA or leave for parents appointments. If you are taking off 12 week and then a day or two every week, you are not being a good employee. Your personal life is interfering with work.

You aren't understanding the reality this poster is saying. We had a dementia situation and it lasted 5 years. The very end lasted 3 weeks and it was horrible. Its very different than what you are saying. You have no concept of this type of care.

actually I DO have experience with that type of care. Like I said, my parent has dementia for 8 years and is end stage. That parent doesn't need accommodating from work, they need 24/7 nursing care. No way could I provide that and work.

I'm not taking off work. I work 80 hours in 9 days and get the 10th day off. I'm an excellent employee.

So, what is your point if you don't have any direct experience. Managing someone in a nursing home is very different than 24/7 care, especially if you only visit every few weeks and not daily helping with care. If they are at the end stage, call in hospice for more care. They can go into the nursing home. Medicare pays for it.

Are you saying that you are at home caring for a dementia patient 24/7, every day, all day? If so, bless your heart because my father was in a locked dementia ward and it was a brutal experience to just visit him. Most elderly people are only at an end stage for a blessedly short time which is where hospice comes in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a bad argument because it makes both sides get upset. And everyone has different experiences and levels of work. Even the last week with my terminal cancer parent dying wasn’t the same as the first week with a newborn waking hourly. I also had a lot more help with my parent and more visitors. With my newborns it was just my dh (and newborns aren’t all easy, I had one very difficult one and an easy one). One parent got his cancer diagnosis and died 3 weeks later. It was a messy, brutal 3 weeks and he died at home. But there was hospice help and morphine. The other parent has had dementia for 8 years. No way should a job accommodate that. Just like with a baby/child, you need care during the day that allows you to go to work.

I think work should allow you 12 weeks (mine was unpaid) maternity leave and then sick leave to deal with parents’ appointments. I work a 9 hour day and have a day off every other week that’s back to back appointments. That allows me to help but also allows me to be a good employee.

I think you are being unreasonable. You could have taken 6-8 weeks maternity leave and then still had FLMA or leave for parents appointments. If you are taking off 12 week and then a day or two every week, you are not being a good employee. Your personal life is interfering with work.

You aren't understanding the reality this poster is saying. We had a dementia situation and it lasted 5 years. The very end lasted 3 weeks and it was horrible. Its very different than what you are saying. You have no concept of this type of care.

actually I DO have experience with that type of care. Like I said, my parent has dementia for 8 years and is end stage. That parent doesn't need accommodating from work, they need 24/7 nursing care. No way could I provide that and work.

I'm not taking off work. I work 80 hours in 9 days and get the 10th day off. I'm an excellent employee.

So, what is your point if you don't have any direct experience. Managing someone in a nursing home is very different than 24/7 care, especially if you only visit every few weeks and not daily helping with care. If they are at the end stage, call in hospice for more care. They can go into the nursing home. Medicare pays for it.

Medicare does not pay for nursing home if you are not able to rehab out. It also does not pay for hospice. Perhaps you meant Medicaid.