Why do people asked me where I am from if they don't believe me?

[Anonymous]

It's not just asking "where are you from" or asking where someone's family is from originally. It's the pushing back on the idea that a non-white person must really be from somewhere else.

Oh, so it's the same if they even ask where your family is from, too?
It's only ok to ask white people that same question, got it!

I think that this ridiculous special treatment actually does the opposite - make us have to notice that someone is of a different color and should be approached extremely carefully, even with asking the most common conversational question in the world.

[Anonymous]

Tell them which country or state you are from, not your ethnicity.

They are asking where you are from as conversation. If they say your are lying, then they are being rude.

[Anonymous]

And, plenty of white people get this question too, especially if they have a different (non American) accent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I understand, but how often does that happen? Each person who asked 'where are you from' also asked 'no, but really where are you from?'?!

It happens a lot. A lot.

That's a very vague answer. But you're quick to call innocent people racist.
Only in America!

I didn't call anyone racist and I didn't know I had to quantify it precisely for your satisfaction. Good day.

[Anonymous]

My DH gets this a lot. It really does depend on how it is asked. if it is as simple as, "that is such an unusual name, what is the origin?" and asked with curiosity...fine. He is friendly, talkative and just as lovely in response.

However, if it is a "your English is so great!" type of person, which we have encountered way more often, his reaction is:

Stranger: Where are you from?
Him: Virginia
S: No, I mean where are you from??
Him:Oh? You mean originally? Sorry. I'm from Maryland, but now we live in Virginia.
S: Uh...I mean, where were you born?
Him: Oh, I didn't understand. I was born in DC. If you're asking my heritage, my parents are from X.

It cracks me up to no end when he does this, bc he's speaking straight up north American unaccented English, and these type of people just won't see past their assumptions that he must not be from here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand, but how often does that happen? Each person who asked 'where are you from' also asked 'no, but really where are you from?'?!

I'm the PP who started it. It used to happen very frequently. In addition, I have been berated and abused as almost every form of Asian nationality despite being a native born American. I have been called a Jap, Chink, Gook, Slant-eyed, and many other offensive and abuse terms. I would say until about 2000, it happened at least once a week or more. Since 2000, it has lessened.

In this area, it happens a lot less often as this is a very liberal area. But I've visited regularly in Florida, Texas, Ohio and Pennsylvania. When in those areas, it is more like about once a month or so. My wife was like you and thought that this type of abuse no longer happened. Those who live in liberal urban areas really are insulated from this phenomenon. But, a couple of years ago, we were waiting in a doctor's office in suburban Cincinnati. And this very nice couple started with the "where are you really from?" game. I decided to be polite and mentioned that my parents were originally from mainland China, but have been in the US for over 60 years, having come over quite young. This couple then proceeded to pull out anything and everything they could think of about anything Asian related to "keep the conversation going". They told me about their Asian neighbor who ran a drycleaners. The lady mentioned she was shocked that her son tried to take her to a "Chinese" restaurant and could you believe it? They served her raw fish without even cooking it and her son tried to get her to eat it. She was appalled. She extolled me about how wonderful her local Chinese buffet was and how nice the people there were. And she made sure to talk to me loudly, slowly and to take extra effort to enunciate her words. She also simplified her sentences to make sure to use more one syllable words. My wife sat there with her hand over her mouth trying to stifle the laughter and eventually excused herself to the rest room to be able to let it out. Later she said that she hadn't really believed me when I said these things still happened often (although this was the most extreme I had had in about 20 years), but that she now believed me.

It happens regularly that people try to classify me by my heritage rather than by my professed origins.

[Anonymous]

I’m white, from a South American country. A coworker asked me. “Hey Larla, your skin is lighter than mine and your eyes are greenish blue. How come are you white?”
I responded: “Larlo, grab some history books, read about colonization and you’ll find out”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It's not just asking "where are you from" or asking where someone's family is from originally. It's the pushing back on the idea that a non-white person must really be from somewhere else.

Oh, so it's the same if they even ask where your family is from, too?
It's only ok to ask white people that same question, got it!

I think that this ridiculous special treatment actually does the opposite - make us have to notice that someone is of a different color and should be approached extremely carefully, even with asking the most common conversational question in the world.

This has been explained, quite clearly, several times. Either you just don't want to get it, because you are invested the idea that insisting that someone isn't from where they say they are is somehow okay, or you're stupid. Which is it?

[Anonymous]

you are invested the idea that insisting that someone isn't from where they say they are is somehow ok

I claim it hardly ever happens the way you describe it and when it does, it's not worth your investment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm white and have had white friends ask me where my family is originally from. I truly don't know (British? German?) but it has sparked interesting conversations. I liked hearing about my friend's family being Scandinavian and how her region all immigrated to a small town in Wisconsin. This isn't just something that white people ask brown people. I've lived overseas and travel a lot. I'd love to hear about where your family is from in Cambodia or India.

It's true that people do sometimes ask white people where their families are from. But the conversation will go something like this:

White person 1: "Where are you from?"
White person 2: "Wisconsin."
White person 1: "I know a lot of Scandinavian immigrants settled in Wisconsin. Does your family have Scandinavian heritage, too?"
White person 2: "I don't know. But our next-door neighbor sure loved her some lutefisk!"

They do not go like this:

White person: "Where are you from?"
Not-white person: "Wisconsin."
White person: "But where are you really from?"
Not-white person: "Wisconsin."
White person: "But where are you from originally?"
Not-white person: "Wisconsin. I was born in Milwaukee."

It's not just asking "where are you from" or asking where someone's family is from originally. It's the pushing back on the idea that a non-white person must really be from somewhere else. It just astounds me that people refuse to understand the difference or accept that it can be offensive. It's not offensive to you, white American person, because no one ever suggests that you aren't really from the US.

If you want to ask someone about their family history and heritage, ask them. Just don't ask them in a way that implies that they aren't really from the US after they tell you that they are.

Omg OP, give it up. You sound like a lunatic.

I run this by my Ugandan Texas American fighter pilot buddy tonight at drinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm white and have had white friends ask me where my family is originally from. I truly don't know (British? German?) but it has sparked interesting conversations. I liked hearing about my friend's family being Scandinavian and how her region all immigrated to a small town in Wisconsin. This isn't just something that white people ask brown people. I've lived overseas and travel a lot. I'd love to hear about where your family is from in Cambodia or India.

It's true that people do sometimes ask white people where their families are from. But the conversation will go something like this:

White person 1: "Where are you from?"
White person 2: "Wisconsin."
White person 1: "I know a lot of Scandinavian immigrants settled in Wisconsin. Does your family have Scandinavian heritage, too?"
White person 2: "I don't know. But our next-door neighbor sure loved her some lutefisk!"

They do not go like this:

White person: "Where are you from?"
Not-white person: "Wisconsin."
White person: "But where are you really from?"
Not-white person: "Wisconsin."
White person: "But where are you from originally?"
Not-white person: "Wisconsin. I was born in Milwaukee."

It's not just asking "where are you from" or asking where someone's family is from originally. It's the pushing back on the idea that a non-white person must really be from somewhere else. It just astounds me that people refuse to understand the difference or accept that it can be offensive. It's not offensive to you, white American person, because no one ever suggests that you aren't really from the US.

If you want to ask someone about their family history and heritage, ask them. Just don't ask them in a way that implies that they aren't really from the US after they tell you that they are.

I ines pushing the notion that “Non White poor conversationalist” is “not American” but you and your cynical semantics. Do you really go through life thinking the worst of everything someone says no matter how being. How twisted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I answer that I'm originally from Pittsburgh, I'm asked where I'm really from. It's veiled racism. They are trying to stereotype you and you don't fit their mental image of what you should be, so they discredit your answer.

How does that work? People can already see that you are Asian. Why is it veiled racism and stereotyping trying to learn if you are of Chinese or Taiwanese decent?

Because PP isn't from China or Taiwan! He or she is from freaking Pittsburgh! It's racism and stereotyping to assume that an Asian person is foreign or can't really be from the US. If you must be so bold as to ask what someone's ethnicity is, then use the right words. What is your ethnicity? Not "where are you from" because they're from Pittsburgh.

This. The PP isn't "really" from China or Taiwan. He or she is "really" from Pittsburgh. Just like I am not "really" from Germany, even though my grandparents were born there. I'm "really" from California. But no one asks me where I'm "really" from, because I'm white and so apparently I can "really" be American. If you want to know where someone's family is from originally, then ask that, not "No, where are you *really* from?"

Ok, noted. So it's only racist if asked in exactly that form?
I'm a foreigner and those questions don't bother me at all. Usually people just try to make conversation.

No, it's only racist if you only ask people who are not white where they are really from. If a white person answered they were from Pittsburgh, would you try to find out if their mother is from Germany or their father from Poland? If a person does not have an accent, why would you assume that the person's ethnicity is relevant and a conversation starter? I know many people like me who have absolutely no knowledge of their family ancestry or customs.

What people don't realize is that in the 1950's to 1970's there were many families and Asian Americans who suffered a lot of racism and abuse from anti-Japanese sentiment post-WWII. During that time, it was very common for Asian Americans to raise their children completely American and to hide their family ethnicity and culture. So I know households where it was forbidden to speak the original native language, they did not teach their children the native language and they did not pass on any of the cultural heritage. They wanted their children to be as American as possible to avoid racism and abuse. It was also common that Asian families hung prominent American flags outside their homes and proudly showed their patriotism for America to ensure they were "proud Americans" and not from Asia. Racial abuse--physical, social and emotional--was very common against Asians in that era. And there are many of us that a children, grandchildren or great-grandchildren who were completely sheltered from their cultural heritage and forbidden to learn about it. So, it can be a sensitive topic to try to pry into a heritage or cultural background that has been suppressed. I know many people including my family and friends who suffered some form of abuse for being Asian.

So you can try to pry into someone's cultural heritage, but if they're Asian, don't be surprised if they resist your efforts to try to pidgen-hole them as Asian just for your conversational kicks if they give you non-Asian answers. They may not identify or known much about their heritage.

I ask seemingly European, African and Asian people where they are from or where their last name is from all the time. Stop this F’d up narrative you have inside your head Op. I suggest therapy.

And I say this as a person with triple citizenship (US, EU, and a MidEast country) who speaks 4 languages and grew up outside Chicago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I answer that I'm originally from Pittsburgh, I'm asked where I'm really from. It's veiled racism. They are trying to stereotype you and you don't fit their mental image of what you should be, so they discredit your answer.

How does that work? People can already see that you are Asian. Why is it veiled racism and stereotyping trying to learn if you are of Chinese or Taiwanese decent?

Because PP isn't from China or Taiwan! He or she is from freaking Pittsburgh! It's racism and stereotyping to assume that an Asian person is foreign or can't really be from the US. If you must be so bold as to ask what someone's ethnicity is, then use the right words. What is your ethnicity? Not "where are you from" because they're from Pittsburgh.

This. The PP isn't "really" from China or Taiwan. He or she is "really" from Pittsburgh. Just like I am not "really" from Germany, even though my grandparents were born there. I'm "really" from California. But no one asks me where I'm "really" from, because I'm white and so apparently I can "really" be American. If you want to know where someone's family is from originally, then ask that, not "No, where are you *really* from?"

Ok, noted. So it's only racist if asked in exactly that form?
I'm a foreigner and those questions don't bother me at all. Usually people just try to make conversation.

No, it's only racist if you only ask people who are not white where they are really from. If a white person answered they were from Pittsburgh, would you try to find out if their mother is from Germany or their father from Poland? If a person does not have an accent, why would you assume that the person's ethnicity is relevant and a conversation starter? I know many people like me who have absolutely no knowledge of their family ancestry or customs.

What people don't realize is that in the 1950's to 1970's there were many families and Asian Americans who suffered a lot of racism and abuse from anti-Japanese sentiment post-WWII. During that time, it was very common for Asian Americans to raise their children completely American and to hide their family ethnicity and culture. So I know households where it was forbidden to speak the original native language, they did not teach their children the native language and they did not pass on any of the cultural heritage. They wanted their children to be as American as possible to avoid racism and abuse. It was also common that Asian families hung prominent American flags outside their homes and proudly showed their patriotism for America to ensure they were "proud Americans" and not from Asia. Racial abuse--physical, social and emotional--was very common against Asians in that era. And there are many of us that a children, grandchildren or great-grandchildren who were completely sheltered from their cultural heritage and forbidden to learn about it. So, it can be a sensitive topic to try to pry into a heritage or cultural background that has been suppressed. I know many people including my family and friends who suffered some form of abuse for being Asian.

So you can try to pry into someone's cultural heritage, but if they're Asian, don't be surprised if they resist your efforts to try to pidgen-hole them as Asian just for your conversational kicks if they give you non-Asian answers. They may not identify or known much about their heritage.

I ask seemingly European, African and Asian people where they are from or where their last name is from all the time. Stop this F’d up narrative you have inside your head Op. I suggest therapy.

And I say this as a person with triple citizenship (US, EU, and a MidEast country) who speaks 4 languages and grew up outside Chicago.

I am not OP. I am a DP who has been dealing with these issues for decades. I will tell you that I also know hundreds of other Asian Americans who have faced similar issues continually.

You can people where they are from, but if they don't want to talk about their heritage stop being a jerk and pushing to try to interrogate them about their ancestry. Not everyone wants to talk about it or knows much about their racial heritage. I'm trying to stop you from offending people who may be too polite to tell you to F off like they want to because you just have to single out their race as significant, even if it isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not saying I think you are dumb or are not Hispanic, but why is this in the Relationship forum?

She seems to have some serious hang ups and it’s affecting her dating life.

I haven’t read the posts but I’d honestly suggest therapy since something this benign shouldn’t be setting you off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

When I answer that I'm originally from Pittsburgh, I'm asked where I'm really from. It's veiled racism. They are trying to stereotype you and you don't fit their mental image of what you should be, so they discredit your answer.

How does that work? People can already see that you are Asian. Why is it veiled racism and stereotyping trying to learn if you are of Chinese or Taiwanese decent?

Because PP isn't from China or Taiwan! He or she is from freaking Pittsburgh! It's racism and stereotyping to assume that an Asian person is foreign or can't really be from the US. If you must be so bold as to ask what someone's ethnicity is, then use the right words. What is your ethnicity? Not "where are you from" because they're from Pittsburgh.

This. The PP isn't "really" from China or Taiwan. He or she is "really" from Pittsburgh. Just like I am not "really" from Germany, even though my grandparents were born there. I'm "really" from California. But no one asks me where I'm "really" from, because I'm white and so apparently I can "really" be American. If you want to know where someone's family is from originally, then ask that, not "No, where are you *really* from?"

Ok, noted. So it's only racist if asked in exactly that form?
I'm a foreigner and those questions don't bother me at all. Usually people just try to make conversation.

No, it's only racist if you only ask people who are not white where they are really from. If a white person answered they were from Pittsburgh, would you try to find out if their mother is from Germany or their father from Poland? If a person does not have an accent, why would you assume that the person's ethnicity is relevant and a conversation starter? I know many people like me who have absolutely no knowledge of their family ancestry or customs.

What people don't realize is that in the 1950's to 1970's there were many families and Asian Americans who suffered a lot of racism and abuse from anti-Japanese sentiment post-WWII. During that time, it was very common for Asian Americans to raise their children completely American and to hide their family ethnicity and culture. So I know households where it was forbidden to speak the original native language, they did not teach their children the native language and they did not pass on any of the cultural heritage. They wanted their children to be as American as possible to avoid racism and abuse. It was also common that Asian families hung prominent American flags outside their homes and proudly showed their patriotism for America to ensure they were "proud Americans" and not from Asia. Racial abuse--physical, social and emotional--was very common against Asians in that era. And there are many of us that a children, grandchildren or great-grandchildren who were completely sheltered from their cultural heritage and forbidden to learn about it. So, it can be a sensitive topic to try to pry into a heritage or cultural background that has been suppressed. I know many people including my family and friends who suffered some form of abuse for being Asian.

So you can try to pry into someone's cultural heritage, but if they're Asian, don't be surprised if they resist your efforts to try to pidgen-hole them as Asian just for your conversational kicks if they give you non-Asian answers. They may not identify or known much about their heritage.

I ask seemingly European, African and Asian people where they are from or where their last name is from all the time. Stop this F’d up narrative you have inside your head Op. I suggest therapy.

And I say this as a person with triple citizenship (US, EU, and a MidEast country) who speaks 4 languages and grew up outside Chicago.

I am not OP. I am a DP who has been dealing with these issues for decades. I will tell you that I also know hundreds of other Asian Americans who have faced similar issues continually.

You can people where they are from, but if they don't want to talk about their heritage stop being a jerk and pushing to try to interrogate them about their ancestry. Not everyone wants to talk about it or knows much about their racial heritage. I'm trying to stop you from offending people who may be too polite to tell you to F off like they want to because you just have to single out their race as significant, even if it isn't.

Great to know I’m Asian studies and foreign policy and have lives in japan, Korea and China.
Perhaps we should meet and I could better understand your issues here in america.