What kinds of fights lead to divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have come to believe that in typical marriages, meaning ones absent abuse, alcoholism, etc., fights don't lead to divorce. It's lack of sex. Which sounds ludicrous but it's really not. I have absolutely noticed that when sex is infrequent and sparse, my husband and I genuinely seem to like each other less. Tempers are shorter, things that are merely annoying seem massively problematic. When sex is regular, all of these things are mitigated. We are more forgiving, we are more closely connected.

It's when sex goes away that small issues mount up and seem impossible to work past. Most average, not abusive marriages that fall apart, I really do believe this, could have been saved had a regular sex life been maintained along the way.

Symptom not a cause. You're saying that lack of sex causes the issues, I would argue the issues cause the lack of sex. But I agree fully that little sex is a very dangerous thing to accept in a marriage because everything IS harder and snipier and meaner when you don't have that physical intimacy.

At minimum they are more closely entwined then you imply.

[Anonymous]

Wife needed to be the 'primary' parent. Dismissed my input and opinions. Criticized and tried to control / tell me what to do about how to parent. I slowly withdrew as participating in parenting was exhausting and frustrating. She then would accuse me of not being involved but when I tried to be involved, she would hover or criticize or control or patronize me. I had to divorce in order to be able to be a dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was cheating. Chronically. He was emotionally abusive.

This. And financially abusive. I picked wrong.

"financially abusive" what is that?

Haven't you heard? These days, anything a man does that a woman doesn't like gets labeled as some kind of abuse.

You get angry and raise your voice? That's verbal abuse
Try to ignore it and not say anything? That's emotional abuse
Spend your money in a way she doesn't agree? That's financial abuse
Ask her for sex more often than she wants it? That's sexual abuse
Try to get physical anyway? Of course, that's physical abuse. Also sexual abuse.
Likewise, don't give it to her as often as she wants. That's sexual deprivation...abuse
Call her out on her crazy? That's mental abuse..oh and, Gaslighting, but that's another thread
Tracking her social media because you don't trust her? That's...wait for it...I swear this is real... Technological abuse
Sending her text messages, expecting a response but getting nothing? That's Cyber abuse
Harassing her about an actual affair when you catch her? That's Psychological abuse
Telling her you wish she would eat healthy and maybe lose a few? Fat shaming, emotional abuse
Belittling her academic focus or worthless degree? That's academic abuse
Not being nice to her in public if, for example, she is drunk and flirting with other men? That's Social abuse
Driving too fast with her in the car? That's Environmental abuse, or maybe, Vehicular abuse if it's her car.

I could probably write 50 more, but you get the idea. Feel free to add to the list if you like. Remember, every interaction with a man that a woman finds unpleasant these days is surely some kind of abuse.

Rush Limbagh, you're due on air in 15!

[Anonymous]

Parenting. XDH undermined both kids, refusing to pay for one kid’s top college and telling the other kid that he should be a musician because all 9-5 jobs suck, so school was unimportant and C’s and D’s were OK. XDH also smoked pot with DS. I wish I were making this up. XDH lost the battle on older DC’s college, after I argued for a month or two that if XDH were willing to contribute $500/month to UMD out of his GS-14 salary, then he could give that amount to the Ivy. But XDH dug his heels in over parenting younger DS. The day I made a quip about our home being the “House of Guitar Worship,” XDH apparently went to see a lawyer. And yet DS chose to spend the rest of high school living with me and not with XDH who promised him they could be like “roommates” instead of a father-son relationship, go figure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was cheating. Chronically. He was emotionally abusive.

This. And financially abusive. I picked wrong.

"financially abusive" what is that?

Haven't you heard? These days, anything a man does that a woman doesn't like gets labeled as some kind of abuse.

You get angry and raise your voice? That's verbal abuse
Try to ignore it and not say anything? That's emotional abuse
Spend your money in a way she doesn't agree? That's financial abuse
Ask her for sex more often than she wants it? That's sexual abuse
Try to get physical anyway? Of course, that's physical abuse. Also sexual abuse.
Likewise, don't give it to her as often as she wants. That's sexual deprivation...abuse
Call her out on her crazy? That's mental abuse..oh and, Gaslighting, but that's another thread
Tracking her social media because you don't trust her? That's...wait for it...I swear this is real... Technological abuse
Sending her text messages, expecting a response but getting nothing? That's Cyber abuse
Harassing her about an actual affair when you catch her? That's Psychological abuse
Telling her you wish she would eat healthy and maybe lose a few? Fat shaming, emotional abuse
Belittling her academic focus or worthless degree? That's academic abuse
Not being nice to her in public if, for example, she is drunk and flirting with other men? That's Social abuse
Driving too fast with her in the car? That's Environmental abuse, or maybe, Vehicular abuse if it's her car.

I could probably write 50 more, but you get the idea. Feel free to add to the list if you like. Remember, every interaction with a man that a woman finds unpleasant these days is surely some kind of abuse.

Rush Limbagh, you're due on air in 15!

I don't feel insulted but nice try.

[Anonymous]

For me, it was that my in-laws hated me. DH tried to take my side but didn't want to lose his whole family so I became a scapegoat. I had PTSD. No drama, just facts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He was cheating. Chronically. He was emotionally abusive.

This. And financially abusive. I picked wrong.

"financially abusive" what is that?

Haven't you heard? These days, anything a man does that a woman doesn't like gets labeled as some kind of abuse.

You get angry and raise your voice? That's verbal abuse
Try to ignore it and not say anything? That's emotional abuse
Spend your money in a way she doesn't agree? That's financial abuse
Ask her for sex more often than she wants it? That's sexual abuse
Try to get physical anyway? Of course, that's physical abuse. Also sexual abuse.
Likewise, don't give it to her as often as she wants. That's sexual deprivation...abuse
Call her out on her crazy? That's mental abuse..oh and, Gaslighting, but that's another thread
Tracking her social media because you don't trust her? That's...wait for it...I swear this is real... Technological abuse
Sending her text messages, expecting a response but getting nothing? That's Cyber abuse
Harassing her about an actual affair when you catch her? That's Psychological abuse
Telling her you wish she would eat healthy and maybe lose a few? Fat shaming, emotional abuse
Belittling her academic focus or worthless degree? That's academic abuse
Not being nice to her in public if, for example, she is drunk and flirting with other men? That's Social abuse
Driving too fast with her in the car? That's Environmental abuse, or maybe, Vehicular abuse if it's her car.

I could probably write 50 more, but you get the idea. Feel free to add to the list if you like. Remember, every interaction with a man that a woman finds unpleasant these days is surely some kind of abuse.

Rush Limbagh, you're due on air in 15!

I don't feel insulted but nice try.

This is why young men have checked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife needed to be the 'primary' parent. Dismissed my input and opinions. Criticized and tried to control / tell me what to do about how to parent. I slowly withdrew as participating in parenting was exhausting and frustrating. She then would accuse me of not being involved but when I tried to be involved, she would hover or criticize or control or patronize me. I had to divorce in order to be able to be a dad.

Admittedly most here would disagree but before you got divorced, did you even once try to sack up and tell your Ex wife to shut her yap? I'll bet not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parenting. XDH undermined both kids, refusing to pay for one kid’s top college and telling the other kid that he should be a musician because all 9-5 jobs suck, so school was unimportant and C’s and D’s were OK. XDH also smoked pot with DS. I wish I were making this up. XDH lost the battle on older DC’s college, after I argued for a month or two that if XDH were willing to contribute $500/month to UMD out of his GS-14 salary, then he could give that amount to the Ivy. But XDH dug his heels in over parenting younger DS. The day I made a quip about our home being the “House of Guitar Worship,” XDH apparently went to see a lawyer. And yet DS chose to spend the rest of high school living with me and not with XDH who promised him they could be like “roommates” instead of a father-son relationship, go figure.

Typical. You were the woman who chose to procreate with this man yet everything is his fault. I'm sure you cheated before divorcing him because nothing you posted warrants getting a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife needed to be the 'primary' parent. Dismissed my input and opinions. Criticized and tried to control / tell me what to do about how to parent. I slowly withdrew as participating in parenting was exhausting and frustrating. She then would accuse me of not being involved but when I tried to be involved, she would hover or criticize or control or patronize me. I had to divorce in order to be able to be a dad.

Admittedly most here would disagree but before you got divorced, did you even once try to sack up and tell your Ex wife to shut her yap? I'll bet not.

We had lots of arguments about it. In the end divorce was the best thing. Turns out we are both pretty awesome parents when apart. We are both very involved with the kids and are very friendly with each other. I realized after I left that it wasn't just me as a dad that she didn't support, but also me as a person and I had become a shell of a person, trying to be who she wanted/needed me to be. Once I left and was able to be myself again, life was so much better. When we were married I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife needed to be the 'primary' parent. Dismissed my input and opinions. Criticized and tried to control / tell me what to do about how to parent. I slowly withdrew as participating in parenting was exhausting and frustrating. She then would accuse me of not being involved but when I tried to be involved, she would hover or criticize or control or patronize me. I had to divorce in order to be able to be a dad.

Admittedly most here would disagree but before you got divorced, did you even once try to sack up and tell your Ex wife to shut her yap? I'll bet not.

We had lots of arguments about it. In the end divorce was the best thing. Turns out we are both pretty awesome parents when apart. We are both very involved with the kids and are very friendly with each other. I realized after I left that it wasn't just me as a dad that she didn't support, but also me as a person and I had become a shell of a person, trying to be who she wanted/needed me to be. Once I left and was able to be myself again, life was so much better. When we were married I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time.

sounds like my delusional ADD ex-spouse. wouldn't treat herself or get help so either tried to get me angry or she exploded in anger every month. meanwhile, she just wasn't an adult partner, parent or person and no amount of me doing it all or reminding her what to do, when to do it, how to do it, helped her function as an adult. now she has a simple life, plays with the kids 1-2 days a week. I continue to do everything adult-like. She probably thinks the same thing you do - Oh, this is so much better, no one expected me to be an adult now, just show up at some games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wife needed to be the 'primary' parent. Dismissed my input and opinions. Criticized and tried to control / tell me what to do about how to parent. I slowly withdrew as participating in parenting was exhausting and frustrating. She then would accuse me of not being involved but when I tried to be involved, she would hover or criticize or control or patronize me. I had to divorce in order to be able to be a dad.

Admittedly most here would disagree but before you got divorced, did you even once try to sack up and tell your Ex wife to shut her yap? I'll bet not.

We had lots of arguments about it. In the end divorce was the best thing. Turns out we are both pretty awesome parents when apart. We are both very involved with the kids and are very friendly with each other. I realized after I left that it wasn't just me as a dad that she didn't support, but also me as a person and I had become a shell of a person, trying to be who she wanted/needed me to be. Once I left and was able to be myself again, life was so much better. When we were married I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time.

I hope you got individual counseling at some point. Something is not jiving. It takes two honey.

[Anonymous]

Not fighting leads to divorce, in my mind. Pushing it down and ignoring your own needs ... bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have come to believe that in typical marriages, meaning ones absent abuse, alcoholism, etc., fights don't lead to divorce. It's lack of sex. Which sounds ludicrous but it's really not. I have absolutely noticed that when sex is infrequent and sparse, my husband and I genuinely seem to like each other less. Tempers are shorter, things that are merely annoying seem massively problematic. When sex is regular, all of these things are mitigated. We are more forgiving, we are more closely connected.

It's when sex goes away that small issues mount up and seem impossible to work past. Most average, not abusive marriages that fall apart, I really do believe this, could have been saved had a regular sex life been maintained along the way.

+ 1,000,000,000

I agree. My husband withholds sex and when we do have it, he quickly is over and I get no pleasure. We have sex about 3 times a month and it's not miserable for me about once every 3rd or 4th time. It creates frustration and sadness.

How do you resolve this ? I have same issue with my husband and I have brought up the issue with my him but no change yet . It is frustrating and sad for sure .

[Anonymous]

Money, sex and infidelity.