Wife very much dislikes my family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it a question of lifestyle/personality differences, or does either party (DW or Family) act disrespectfully to the other?

Its a pretty big personality difference. DW used to just keep them at arms length. Now she's getting rude.

Everything you've shared can be open to multiple interpretations. Can you share some specific examples:

What does a "big personality" look and sound like?
What does rude behavior by your wife look and sound like?
What is an example where you've felt uncomfortable by an interaction between your spouse and family?

An example: Today my mother was driving by while DW was taking out some trash. My mother stopped and said hello and asked to see my son. My DW told her that it wasn't a good time as DS was sleeping. My mother could see DS in the window wide awake.

I think your wife was being too prickly in this situation. Unless your mother makes a habit of randomly stopping by, or is known for criticizing her housekeeping, dw could have accommodated her.

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife seems to lack manners. No big deal that MIL came by announanced, she is your mom and this announcing is beyond me. I don't understand why your wife dislikes your family though, there must be some reason. Are you very young, both of you? Are you putting your mom and dad first and last, and your wife is annoyed by your lack of effort to show her that you are her husbands and not just your parent's kid. If she feels that they come first to you, that would annoy the heck out of me and in that case resentment would be towards you and your family. Think back and see how you act in your marriage, if answer is that you will drop anything as soon as your parents call, then you know the problem. If that is not the case, ask your wife, why does she dislike your parental family. Just ask.

Please explain how the wife is lacking in manners. All we know is that the mother drove by and was told that the son was sleeping. Wife didn't ignore the mother, nor did she tell her to f*&k off. She didn't call her names. Supposedly the child could be seen from the window, but still don't know if the wife knew the child wasn't sleeping.

How was the wife rude?

She was rude by not inviting her MIL inside. That is a first rule of polite behavior. Even if MIL showed up unannounced, you invite friends and family in. That is how she was rude. You don't set boundaries at that moment. Excuse that kid was sleeping was lame, even if the kids was sleeping. Just how rude is our society becoming?

Nope. There is no excuse whatsoever for her not to have called first rather than just drop by randomly. She was rude and inconsiderate and Op's wife stood her ground.

If MIL really was driving by and saw the wife outside, and I have no reason to believe she didn't, that's a little different than a premeditated pop up. It was more like a coincidence, like seeing a neighbor across the street and going to speak to them. No one would call that rude or inconsiderate, I'd hope.

Unless they live on a major road, it's unlikely the MIL was just somehow "driving by" and happened to see the wife outside. I mean come on. It's likely she had no business on the street other than to come by unannounced. Which seems to be fine for the husband but not the wife, hence the problem.

It wasn't the driving by a waving "Hi!" to Op's wife, it was the demand to see her grandchild right then and when Op's wife said it wasn't a good time the MIL made an issue out of it. Either way, MIL was rude.

How did you concoct this story? Because it wasn't posted by OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your wife seems to lack manners. No big deal that MIL came by announanced, she is your mom and this announcing is beyond me. I don't understand why your wife dislikes your family though, there must be some reason. Are you very young, both of you? Are you putting your mom and dad first and last, and your wife is annoyed by your lack of effort to show her that you are her husbands and not just your parent's kid. If she feels that they come first to you, that would annoy the heck out of me and in that case resentment would be towards you and your family. Think back and see how you act in your marriage, if answer is that you will drop anything as soon as your parents call, then you know the problem. If that is not the case, ask your wife, why does she dislike your parental family. Just ask.

Please explain how the wife is lacking in manners. All we know is that the mother drove by and was told that the son was sleeping. Wife didn't ignore the mother, nor did she tell her to f*&k off. She didn't call her names. Supposedly the child could be seen from the window, but still don't know if the wife knew the child wasn't sleeping.

How was the wife rude?

She was rude by not inviting her MIL inside. That is a first rule of polite behavior. Even if MIL showed up unannounced, you invite friends and family in. That is how she was rude. You don't set boundaries at that moment. Excuse that kid was sleeping was lame, even if the kids was sleeping. Just how rude is our society becoming?

Nope. There is no excuse whatsoever for her not to have called first rather than just drop by randomly. She was rude and inconsiderate and Op's wife stood her ground.

If MIL really was driving by and saw the wife outside, and I have no reason to believe she didn't, that's a little different than a premeditated pop up. It was more like a coincidence, like seeing a neighbor across the street and going to speak to them. No one would call that rude or inconsiderate, I'd hope.

Unless they live on a major road, it's unlikely the MIL was just somehow "driving by" and happened to see the wife outside. I mean come on. It's likely she had no business on the street other than to come by unannounced. Which seems to be fine for the husband but not the wife, hence the problem.

Some people have to live on a major road, why not them?

Well sure, maybe they do. Just saying that if they don't, it's fishy and contrived, not an innocent "happened to be driving by." Which, if I were the wife, would play into my feelings about the situation.

My inlaws live 30 minute away and frequently shop in our area. But we live on a small residential one-way street. There is no way they could accidentally drive by our house -- it would have to be deliberate. They could easily drive on a major road one block from our house and I'm sure they do. But to just happen to drive by on our street and notice that we are home? Not possible. Nor would this ever occur to them. Instead, they'd call to say they are in the neighborhood and is it ok if they let themselves in to use our toilet and get the parking pass so they can park at our place instead of pay $1 at the meter up the street, because they just want to spend an hour at Starbucks. And oh by the way is it ok if they stay for dinner, they'll eat leftovers or something. And oh, if we happen to be home, they don't want to disturb us, can we just put the parking pass out, but maybe they'll stay to dinner anyway. Obviously after all this if we were home we would invite them in. But still ... they would call first!

[Anonymous]

Op like everything else in marriage you need to together come up with compromises. It sounds like you expect your wife to accommodate your family entirely, but that's not how marriage works. what if you attended the Sunday dinner once a month? What if you agreed mil had to call before dropping by? my Dh and I argued about out of town family visits until we came up with a five day limit. You can't expect your wife to feel the same way about your family that you do. Would you be willing to spend every sat night with her family? Being parents is hard enough on a couple, you all need to focus on each other and spending time together without all the in laws.

[Anonymous]

Op can you label your posts? It's confusing which are yours.

You either need to be on you wife's side or you need to get divorced. I'd be pissed if I had to spend every single Sunday with parents. Once a month is plenty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op can you label your posts? It's confusing which are yours.

You either need to be on you wife's side or you need to get divorced. I'd be pissed if I had to spend every single Sunday with parents. Once a month is plenty.

Just as everyone is saying he knew what he was marrying into, SO DID SHE. She can at least not be a total b*tch to his family. They came first. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op can you label your posts? It's confusing which are yours.

You either need to be on you wife's side or you need to get divorced. I'd be pissed if I had to spend every single Sunday with parents. Once a month is plenty.

Just as everyone is saying he knew what he was marrying into, SO DID SHE. She can at least not be a total b*tch to his family. They came first. Period.

BS. It's her kid and her house. She is under no obligation to ask 'how high?' when MIL says 'jump' as she's taking out the trash.

My FIL really gets on my nerves. We are very different, have nothing in common beyond my husband/his son. We have very different values and he's kind of an antagonistic douche. My husband knows my personal space is important to me, and thus, makes sure visits are not unannounced and do not extend past a certain length. That way, I can prepare for them and know they have an end time. This helps me put the visits in perspective and be a more pleasant hostess. OP's wife may well respond similarly to having both some forewarning and some control over the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it a question of lifestyle/personality differences, or does either party (DW or Family) act disrespectfully to the other?

Its a pretty big personality difference. DW used to just keep them at arms length. Now she's getting rude.

Everything you've shared can be open to multiple interpretations. Can you share some specific examples:

What does a "big personality" look and sound like?
What does rude behavior by your wife look and sound like?
What is an example where you've felt uncomfortable by an interaction between your spouse and family?

An example: Today my mother was driving by while DW was taking out some trash. My mother stopped and said hello and asked to see my son. My DW told her that it wasn't a good time as DS was sleeping. My mother could see DS in the window wide awake.

Maybe before taking out the trash, dw had just walked by ds's bedroom and he was asleep. Then he got up. When your mom saw him, your wife had no idea that ds was out of bed.


You're going to have to come up with some better examples than this.

I'm Italian. Wife is not. My family can be very opinionated and overbearing. My wife knew this was what she was marrying into.

So she has to change and you don't?