Why did you have kids?

[Anonymous]

I was the last of every one of my same-age friends and acquaintances to find a partner and to have a child. That experience was world-shifting in ways I could not have anticipated. It was as if the ground under my feet was moving forward and I was knocked backward. Everyone I counted on and felt so connected to had changed so profoundly, in big and small ways, and I was stagnant. It wasn't as simple as them not having free time to hang out or having different priorities. They crossed over. I didn't.

I always liked babies and children and mildly wanted to be a mom. Even if that were not the case, being the odd one out would have had a huge impact on me. I probably would have gotten pregnant just to be a part of the next life stage I felt everyone moved on to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We wanted children ever since our 3rd date

It takes longer than that unless the dates are really spaced out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. However, wanting kids is the strongest instinct I have ever had. I absolutely love being their mother. and I am sad that I may not be able to afford having a third.

Go for it anyway if you want the third, yes it could be expensive but you'll find a way to cover it and you will never regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My now-ex pressured me with the threat of divorce if I didn't relent and have our first child. We'd planned on having kids eventually but I was not yet ready. I gave in and he promptly made me the default parent and forced me to tank my career so he had free rein to pursue his.

I was the more talented and successful one but he used my pregnancy and breast feeding to paint me into the default parent corner. I eventually left.

After all he did, he actually ended up sucking at his job (big law) and being laid off in the big law purge a few years back.

Now i have 70/30 custody and do 100% of the doctors and dentist visits, organizing activities, and emotional support for our child. We have a great relationship and I'll never tell her that her origin story is so bleak. As she grows up she complains more and more about how her dad s always trying to make her do what he wants and "fox" what he sees as her flaws and misguided priorities. I tell her as calmly as I can that I understand and that sometimes it is hard for him to see other people's perspectives but she shouldn't take it personally.

I'm going to do my best to raise her to know she's in charge of her life.

I have always been a good parent but should not have had it forced on me. My life never recovered from having a child with a major asshole.

Own your choices, dear. No one "forced" you to get pregnant and have a child. Certainly not with a "major asshole." Maybe if you start accepting responsibility for your own choices you'll stop resenting your child so much.

[Anonymous]

I wanted to have children as potential organ donors for when I get a little bit older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My now-ex pressured me with the threat of divorce if I didn't relent and have our first child. We'd planned on having kids eventually but I was not yet ready. I gave in and he promptly made me the default parent and forced me to tank my career so he had free rein to pursue his.

I was the more talented and successful one but he used my pregnancy and breast feeding to paint me into the default parent corner. I eventually left.

After all he did, he actually ended up sucking at his job (big law) and being laid off in the big law purge a few years back.

Now i have 70/30 custody and do 100% of the doctors and dentist visits, organizing activities, and emotional support for our child. We have a great relationship and I'll never tell her that her origin story is so bleak. As she grows up she complains more and more about how her dad s always trying to make her do what he wants and "fox" what he sees as her flaws and misguided priorities. I tell her as calmly as I can that I understand and that sometimes it is hard for him to see other people's perspectives but she shouldn't take it personally.

I'm going to do my best to raise her to know she's in charge of her life.

I have always been a good parent but should not have had it forced on me. My life never recovered from having a child with a major asshole.

Own your choices, dear. No one "forced" you to get pregnant and have a child. Certainly not with a "major asshole." Maybe if you start accepting responsibility for your own choices you'll stop resenting your child so much.

NP here. No choice is ever made in a vacuum. It's not always so clearly black and white, especially when you're in a relationship. When her husband gave her an ultimatum, she took the best option available and hoped it would work out.

[Anonymous]

Great question OP, I never really sat and thought about it. I really should've been wary of raising children, as I had an chaotic childhood. But.. I was young when I got married (23) and didn't really think too deeply about it. Babies always made my heart flutter. So we had 3, and I'm 90% grateful we did. The 10% is for the pure money suck that we may never recover from...

[Anonymous]

I always knew that one day I'd have them. I enjoyed being around kids when I babysat as a teen. Three kids and 15 years in, I can say it has been tons of fun. I love my kids and enjoy their company. These have been the best years of my life. It makes me sad to think of how fast they're growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess what it boils down to is a combination of biology (probably hormonally driven) and curiosity. I wanted to know what it's like to be pregnant, give birth, and raise a child. Imo it's a huge part of the human experience. I know that I would have wondered on what I was missing out on had we not gotten pregnant.

+1. Curiousity.

[Anonymous]

I had a kid because I got pregnant, and because "pro-choice" to me means just that. But I'd always wanted children in the abstract. I like kids - always have. I find them funny and interesting and cute. I thought I would have cool kids and enjoy raising them.

For the most part, the reality has been pretty good. My kid is smart and funny and interesting and I get to see parts of myself in her, and parts of her dad. I chafe sometimes at the lack of independence and freedom. I might have been better off having a child when I was younger, before I got so set in my child-free ways.

I don't want my child to be responsible for me in my old age, and I worry that as an only child of a single mom, that she will be. I'm scared for the teen years, but enjoy watching her grow up.

[Anonymous]

Just know how completely bizarre this conversation is in the history of life on earth. All living beings procreate. That's how life continues. It is fundamental and basic to all life on earth. Only in the last 40 or 50 years has it become something people choose to do or not to do. It would sound as strange to someone in another time and culture as "why do you choose to eat?" or "why do you choose to sleep?" Having children does not need to be defended when it's the default condition of all life forms.

Speaking evolutionarily, your life technically is wasted if you don't pass along your genes. No need to get all maudlin and talk about Mother Theresa and all the other childless people out there who do good. Yes of course they improve the world while they are alive. But technically the point of life is to pass along your genes, in the long-term genetic competition within the species.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life would be so meaningless without children.

Maybe your life would be. If that's the case, you should probably fond some way to find meaning in your life that is not dependant on being a parent. Kids grow up & while you'll always be there mother, or father, provided they are reasonably healthy with no major developmental issues, if you do your job well, they will have their own lives, independent of you or your spouse. Don't saddle them with being responsible for your own fullfillment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just know how completely bizarre this conversation is in the history of life on earth. All living beings procreate. That's how life continues. It is fundamental and basic to all life on earth. Only in the last 40 or 50 years has it become something people choose to do or not to do. It would sound as strange to someone in another time and culture as "why do you choose to eat?" or "why do you choose to sleep?" Having children does not need to be defended when it's the default condition of all life forms.

Speaking evolutionarily, your life technically is wasted if you don't pass along your genes. No need to get all maudlin and talk about Mother Theresa and all the other childless people out there who do good. Yes of course they improve the world while they are alive. But technically the point of life is to pass along your genes, in the long-term genetic competition within the species.

I see that as a positive advancement. Our society would probably be a lot better off of having kids stopped being the default option & became more of a well thought-out choice.

[Anonymous]

^if, not of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just know how completely bizarre this conversation is in the history of life on earth. All living beings procreate. That's how life continues. It is fundamental and basic to all life on earth. Only in the last 40 or 50 years has it become something people choose to do or not to do. It would sound as strange to someone in another time and culture as "why do you choose to eat?" or "why do you choose to sleep?" Having children does not need to be defended when it's the default condition of all life forms.

Speaking evolutionarily, your life technically is wasted if you don't pass along your genes. No need to get all maudlin and talk about Mother Theresa and all the other childless people out there who do good. Yes of course they improve the world while they are alive. But technically the point of life is to pass along your genes, in the long-term genetic competition within the species.

All lives are a waste, whether we reproduce or not.