Reached out to MIL about the holidays...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - agree, it was a quick response. And yes, she is addled. But if a relative asked ME what my holiday plans were, I'd assume they were trying to get together and I'd indicate if I was interested & available or not. This response = Not Interested. My kids hate going there anyway - her house is a museum (sterile with lots of valuable breakables) and she's not very warm.

But she's not you. Stop assuming. I can't figure out why you're annoyed. Make your own plans to have Christmas at your place if that's what you want. Invite the ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't understand this weird way of talking to family about making plans. Why does it have to be so much guesswork what the other person is thinking and what she means? I don't understand why OP can't tell her MIL directly that they want to try to arrange a visit? Instead, a kind of vague email and then hurt/anger that MIL doesn't pick up on it and respond appropriately? It doesn't have to be that hard!

Exactly. The first thing I thought when I read this was how why the hell didn't op just ask her mil if she wanted to get together for the holidays. The lack of maturity on the family relationship board is staggering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, she can & does travel by car and could go to SIL's or her own sister's house. She's also a step-parent and there may be plans with them.

I like to use miles when I can, and also like to book at least a row of 3 of us together. Flying back to DC on the Sunday after Thanksgiving is chaos, so I want to book the early flights before they sell out. I've been burned in the past with an 11pm arrival and didn't get the kids to bed until 1am.

We've lived in DC and them in TX for 20+ years. We always fly to see them and vice versa. She booked her trip to DC last February three months in advance - so I don't think it's too early.

And, neither of us are cooking. It'll be dinner at the Club if we go. She gave up the kitchen awhile ago!

May I help you, OP?
[MIL], how are you, hope all's well. We need to make our holiday plans so we can take advantage of miles and get time off of work. Have you decided what your plans are yet? We'd love to get together if possible! I probably need to arrange it by Date X, so let me know if you've decided by then. If not, we'll do it at our house and you can come visit if you like. If this doesn't work for you, let' talk soon to make plans after the holidays.

Love,
[DIL]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, she can & does travel by car and could go to SIL's or her own sister's house. She's also a step-parent and there may be plans with them.

I like to use miles when I can, and also like to book at least a row of 3 of us together. Flying back to DC on the Sunday after Thanksgiving is chaos, so I want to book the early flights before they sell out. I've been burned in the past with an 11pm arrival and didn't get the kids to bed until 1am.

We've lived in DC and them in TX for 20+ years. We always fly to see them and vice versa. She booked her trip to DC last February three months in advance - so I don't think it's too early.

And, neither of us are cooking. It'll be dinner at the Club if we go. She gave up the kitchen awhile ago!

May I help you, OP?
[MIL], how are you, hope all's well. We need to make our holiday plans so we can take advantage of miles and get time off of work. Have you decided what your plans are yet? We'd love to get together if possible! I probably need to arrange it by Date X, so let me know if you've decided by then. If not, we'll do it at our house and you can come visit if you like. If this doesn't work for you, let' talk soon to make plans after the holidays.

Love,
[DIL]

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, she can & does travel by car and could go to SIL's or her own sister's house. She's also a step-parent and there may be plans with them.

I like to use miles when I can, and also like to book at least a row of 3 of us together. Flying back to DC on the Sunday after Thanksgiving is chaos, so I want to book the early flights before they sell out. I've been burned in the past with an 11pm arrival and didn't get the kids to bed until 1am.

We've lived in DC and them in TX for 20+ years. We always fly to see them and vice versa. She booked her trip to DC last February three months in advance - so I don't think it's too early.

And, neither of us are cooking. It'll be dinner at the Club if we go. She gave up the kitchen awhile ago!

It sounds nice. Hope it all works out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, she can & does travel by car and could go to SIL's or her own sister's house. She's also a step-parent and there may be plans with them.

I like to use miles when I can, and also like to book at least a row of 3 of us together. Flying back to DC on the Sunday after Thanksgiving is chaos, so I want to book the early flights before they sell out. I've been burned in the past with an 11pm arrival and didn't get the kids to bed until 1am.

We've lived in DC and them in TX for 20+ years. We always fly to see them and vice versa. She booked her trip to DC last February three months in advance - so I don't think it's too early.

And, neither of us are cooking. It'll be dinner at the Club if we go. She gave up the kitchen awhile ago!

May I help you, OP?
[MIL], how are you, hope all's well. We need to make our holiday plans so we can take advantage of miles and get time off of work. Have you decided what your plans are yet? We'd love to get together if possible! I probably need to arrange it by Date X, so let me know if you've decided by then. If not, we'll do it at our house and you can come visit if you like. If this doesn't work for you, let' talk soon to make plans after the holidays.

Love,
[DIL]

+1

Perfect!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What I should have mentioned is that MIL has been dealing with an illness that makes it difficult to impossible for her to travel here anymore. Her last visit to us in February, and to SIL in May clarified that she should no longer travel in airplanes. If she wants to see us in Nov or Dec, we will be appearing at her house. When possible, I like to use miles for at least one of our tickets, so the opportunity to use them for a Thanksgiving trip has probably already closed, but Christmas is still a possibility.

Brain surgery this is not. If MIL can not travel where else will she be for Thanksgiving besides her own house? If she will be at her house why not book your tickets, plan your leave and let her know that you will be coming into town for a visit. You can arrive a little early and plan/cook the meal yourself at her house, take her out for Thanksgiving dinner or pick up a precooked meal to enjoy at her house.

I don't understand you posters who are suggesting that OP should just book tickets and inform her hostess when the family will be arrive and how long they'll be staying. So rude! You ask to visit, you don't tell when you'll be visiting!

If someone told me when they'd be visiting with no discussion from me, I would correct that assumption right quick.

thats your family dynamic. My kids and their families will always be welcome at my house. Doesn't mean I'll drop everything, who knows what going on, but they can absolutely come.

And if you already have guests? And if you are going out of town? And if you are painting your living room or laying in new carpet? And if you are TTC and that is "prime time"? It's called communication, it's not that hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - agree, it was a quick response. And yes, she is addled. But if a relative asked ME what my holiday plans were, I'd assume they were trying to get together and I'd indicate if I was interested & available or not. This response = Not Interested. My kids hate going there anyway - her house is a museum (sterile with lots of valuable breakables) and she's not very warm.

If my FIL asked me today what my holiday plans are, I'd have to tell them I don't know yet. It would be impossible to know whether we're available or not. I'd have to contact my parents and my brother to find out what their plans are so that we can be sure to somehow work out seeing everybody. And they'd have no idea yet, because it's early September and most people don't plan so far ahead. I'm not sure how you expected your MIL to determine her availability so quickly, assuming she has other things going on in her life. I don't know her personality, but if this email response is her being short, well, I get it. The best thing you can do is give her some TIME to figure out whether she's even available or not.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you.
Old people don't realize how complicated plans like this can be, with kids and sports and work schedules. My MIL is incapable of advanced planning (despite no job and no friends) so I no longer attempt to accommodate her. I make my plans and has to deal with it.