Reached out to MIL about the holidays...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my house, if I don't plan it, it doesn't happen. If my MIL responded that way, I would email her back something light. "I know it's early, but between leave requests for work and airline tickets, I thought it best to be an early bird. Let me know when you are making your holiday plans so we can see if a trip is possible."

And then I would do exactly what I wanted. If she got back in touch, I would say, "Oh! So sorry. Hadn't heard from you so I have made plans to host at our house. We can't get leave/reasonably priced tickets now. Maybe we can get talk about a spring break trip after the holidays."

This advice is perfect.

Perfectly passive aggressive.

But refusing to discuss holiday plans because first you have to watch some football is a direct way of communicating?

Not really.

Hey what are you doing for Christmas?
Gosh, I don't know I haven't even figured out Labor Day.

That is a normal response, OP is just trying to pick a fight. She mentioned football and Texas to be a snob. Her post make her seem like an elitist who looks down her nose at her IL's who are people she believe are below her.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - agree, it was a quick response. And yes, she is addled. But if a relative asked ME what my holiday plans were, I'd assume they were trying to get together and I'd indicate if I was interested & available or not. This response = Not Interested. My kids hate going there anyway - her house is a museum (sterile with lots of valuable breakables) and she's not very warm.

She responded to you quickly and with the truth "I haven't even thought about it yet". She hasn't had the chance to talk to her husband or other family members. She may have things coming up that would make it difficult to plan a trip (or to host a big meal). Finances are a consideration too. Pet sitting/boarding. By the time all is said and done we are not talking about a minor expense or effort no wonder she didn't have an immediate answer for you. Give her a chance to process.

I'm 50. I just got through back to school logistics with the kids plus some major home projects and I haven't even thought about Thanksgiving, yet. Please don't hate me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG... who the hell is planning Thanksgiving and Christmas already.


You need to chill out.

I hear you. But it does make sense to start thinking of flights/leave now if you are going to travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What I should have mentioned is that MIL has been dealing with an illness that makes it difficult to impossible for her to travel here anymore. Her last visit to us in February, and to SIL in May clarified that she should no longer travel in airplanes. If she wants to see us in Nov or Dec, we will be appearing at her house. When possible, I like to use miles for at least one of our tickets, so the opportunity to use them for a Thanksgiving trip has probably already closed, but Christmas is still a possibility.

Brain surgery this is not. If MIL can not travel where else will she be for Thanksgiving besides her own house? If she will be at her house why not book your tickets, plan your leave and let her know that you will be coming into town for a visit. You can arrive a little early and plan/cook the meal yourself at her house, take her out for Thanksgiving dinner or pick up a precooked meal to enjoy at her house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What I should have mentioned is that MIL has been dealing with an illness that makes it difficult to impossible for her to travel here anymore. Her last visit to us in February, and to SIL in May clarified that she should no longer travel in airplanes. If she wants to see us in Nov or Dec, we will be appearing at her house. When possible, I like to use miles for at least one of our tickets, so the opportunity to use them for a Thanksgiving trip has probably already closed, but Christmas is still a possibility.

Brain surgery this is not. If MIL can not travel where else will she be for Thanksgiving besides her own house? If she will be at her house why not book your tickets, plan your leave and let her know that you will be coming into town for a visit. You can arrive a little early and plan/cook the meal yourself at her house, take her out for Thanksgiving dinner or pick up a precooked meal to enjoy at her house.

I don't understand you posters who are suggesting that OP should just book tickets and inform her hostess when the family will be arrive and how long they'll be staying. So rude! You ask to visit, you don't tell when you'll be visiting!

If someone told me when they'd be visiting with no discussion from me, I would correct that assumption right quick.

[Anonymous]

I just don't understand this weird way of talking to family about making plans. Why does it have to be so much guesswork what the other person is thinking and what she means? I don't understand why OP can't tell her MIL directly that they want to try to arrange a visit? Instead, a kind of vague email and then hurt/anger that MIL doesn't pick up on it and respond appropriately? It doesn't have to be that hard!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What I should have mentioned is that MIL has been dealing with an illness that makes it difficult to impossible for her to travel here anymore. Her last visit to us in February, and to SIL in May clarified that she should no longer travel in airplanes. If she wants to see us in Nov or Dec, we will be appearing at her house. When possible, I like to use miles for at least one of our tickets, so the opportunity to use them for a Thanksgiving trip has probably already closed, but Christmas is still a possibility.

Brain surgery this is not. If MIL can not travel where else will she be for Thanksgiving besides her own house? If she will be at her house why not book your tickets, plan your leave and let her know that you will be coming into town for a visit. You can arrive a little early and plan/cook the meal yourself at her house, take her out for Thanksgiving dinner or pick up a precooked meal to enjoy at her house.

I don't understand you posters who are suggesting that OP should just book tickets and inform her hostess when the family will be arrive and how long they'll be staying. So rude! You ask to visit, you don't tell when you'll be visiting!

If someone told me when they'd be visiting with no discussion from me, I would correct that assumption right quick.

thats your family dynamic. My kids and their families will always be welcome at my house. Doesn't mean I'll drop everything, who knows what going on, but they can absolutely come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What I should have mentioned is that MIL has been dealing with an illness that makes it difficult to impossible for her to travel here anymore. Her last visit to us in February, and to SIL in May clarified that she should no longer travel in airplanes. If she wants to see us in Nov or Dec, we will be appearing at her house. When possible, I like to use miles for at least one of our tickets, so the opportunity to use them for a Thanksgiving trip has probably already closed, but Christmas is still a possibility.

Brain surgery this is not. If MIL can not travel where else will she be for Thanksgiving besides her own house? If she will be at her house why not book your tickets, plan your leave and let her know that you will be coming into town for a visit. You can arrive a little early and plan/cook the meal yourself at her house, take her out for Thanksgiving dinner or pick up a precooked meal to enjoy at her house.

I don't understand you posters who are suggesting that OP should just book tickets and inform her hostess when the family will be arrive and how long they'll be staying. So rude! You ask to visit, you don't tell when you'll be visiting!

If someone told me when they'd be visiting with no discussion from me, I would correct that assumption right quick.

Well, yes, you ASK to visit. "Would it be o.k. if we came out to visit you for Thanksgiving? Not sure what your plans are but if you would like we can cook or go out for dinner."

Saying - "Please tell me what you are planning for Thanksgiving so that we can make reservations" comes across as more of a demand to me. What are you planning for US and when exactly were you planning to invite US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What I should have mentioned is that MIL has been dealing with an illness that makes it difficult to impossible for her to travel here anymore. Her last visit to us in February, and to SIL in May clarified that she should no longer travel in airplanes. If she wants to see us in Nov or Dec, we will be appearing at her house. When possible, I like to use miles for at least one of our tickets, so the opportunity to use them for a Thanksgiving trip has probably already closed, but Christmas is still a possibility.

Brain surgery this is not. If MIL can not travel where else will she be for Thanksgiving besides her own house? If she will be at her house why not book your tickets, plan your leave and let her know that you will be coming into town for a visit. You can arrive a little early and plan/cook the meal yourself at her house, take her out for Thanksgiving dinner or pick up a precooked meal to enjoy at her house.

This is the worst suggestion ever. You don't just show up at someone else's house and cook Thanksgiving dinner. It's unbelievably controlling and rude.
Where else could she be? Lots of places. At her other kids' house. In the Bahamas. In Europe. At a cabin with her secret lover. Working the church soup kitchen for the homeless. Hiking the Appalachian Trail.


You also don't take precooked meals to Thanksgiving dinner at a family member's house in Texas or the South. If you can't cook it yourself, you have no business serving it and are not competent as a wife or a woman. You'll look like an ass and the rest of the family will talk about you for the rest of your life. Bless your heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What I should have mentioned is that MIL has been dealing with an illness that makes it difficult to impossible for her to travel here anymore. Her last visit to us in February, and to SIL in May clarified that she should no longer travel in airplanes. If she wants to see us in Nov or Dec, we will be appearing at her house. When possible, I like to use miles for at least one of our tickets, so the opportunity to use them for a Thanksgiving trip has probably already closed, but Christmas is still a possibility.

Brain surgery this is not. If MIL can not travel where else will she be for Thanksgiving besides her own house? If she will be at her house why not book your tickets, plan your leave and let her know that you will be coming into town for a visit. You can arrive a little early and plan/cook the meal yourself at her house, take her out for Thanksgiving dinner or pick up a precooked meal to enjoy at her house.

MIL can travel, she just can't fly. So maybe she is going to get together with friends for Thanksgiving or drive somewhere shortly before or after Christmas, or maybe her health problems mean she's going to need some sort of procedure and won't need visitors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What I should have mentioned is that MIL has been dealing with an illness that makes it difficult to impossible for her to travel here anymore. Her last visit to us in February, and to SIL in May clarified that she should no longer travel in airplanes. If she wants to see us in Nov or Dec, we will be appearing at her house. When possible, I like to use miles for at least one of our tickets, so the opportunity to use them for a Thanksgiving trip has probably already closed, but Christmas is still a possibility.

Brain surgery this is not. If MIL can not travel where else will she be for Thanksgiving besides her own house? If she will be at her house why not book your tickets, plan your leave and let her know that you will be coming into town for a visit. You can arrive a little early and plan/cook the meal yourself at her house, take her out for Thanksgiving dinner or pick up a precooked meal to enjoy at her house.

This is the worst suggestion ever. You don't just show up at someone else's house and cook Thanksgiving dinner. It's unbelievably controlling and rude.
Where else could she be? Lots of places. At her other kids' house. In the Bahamas. In Europe. At a cabin with her secret lover. Working the church soup kitchen for the homeless. Hiking the Appalachian Trail.


You also don't take precooked meals to Thanksgiving dinner at a family member's house in Texas or the South. If you can't cook it yourself, you have no business serving it and are not competent as a wife or a woman. You'll look like an ass and the rest of the family will talk about you for the rest of your life. Bless your heart.

Uh, yeah. You would make sure that she was going to be HOME instead of traipsing around Europe. Duh. But remember this is a woman who can not travel well. So unless there is some other obvious place that she'll be why not offer to cook the meal at her house or offer to take her to a restaurant or cater something in?

If she has health issues why expect her to plan for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. What I should have mentioned is that MIL has been dealing with an illness that makes it difficult to impossible for her to travel here anymore. Her last visit to us in February, and to SIL in May clarified that she should no longer travel in airplanes. If she wants to see us in Nov or Dec, we will be appearing at her house. When possible, I like to use miles for at least one of our tickets, so the opportunity to use them for a Thanksgiving trip has probably already closed, but Christmas is still a possibility.

Brain surgery this is not. If MIL can not travel where else will she be for Thanksgiving besides her own house? If she will be at her house why not book your tickets, plan your leave and let her know that you will be coming into town for a visit. You can arrive a little early and plan/cook the meal yourself at her house, take her out for Thanksgiving dinner or pick up a precooked meal to enjoy at her house.

MIL can travel, she just can't fly. So maybe she is going to get together with friends for Thanksgiving or drive somewhere shortly before or after Christmas, or maybe her health problems mean she's going to need some sort of procedure and won't need visitors.

If she is having all of these health issues than MIL has no clue what her holiday plans are now does she? What exactly do you want her to say? Yes dear, please spend $$$$ to fly out at my invitation only to spend your time at an empty house because (surprise!) I'm in the hospital. Or too ill to cook....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG... who the hell is planning Thanksgiving and Christmas already.


You need to chill out.

Um, me? We just booked the IL's int'l airfare to come spend the holiday with us. For thanksgiving, if we wait until October to invite people, our friends have other plans. So we're hosting, as usual, and already putting out feelers to see who will be in town and wants to join us - because why spend a day and a half cooking just for ourselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG... who the hell is planning Thanksgiving and Christmas already.


You need to chill out.

Um, me? We just booked the IL's int'l airfare to come spend the holiday with us. For thanksgiving, if we wait until October to invite people, our friends have other plans. So we're hosting, as usual, and already putting out feelers to see who will be in town and wants to join us - because why spend a day and a half cooking just for ourselves?

Sounds like fun! But more laid back family centered Thanksgiving dinners are nice too - you don't have to have a huge crowd over to feel grateful.

[Anonymous]

OP here, she can & does travel by car and could go to SIL's or her own sister's house. She's also a step-parent and there may be plans with them.

I like to use miles when I can, and also like to book at least a row of 3 of us together. Flying back to DC on the Sunday after Thanksgiving is chaos, so I want to book the early flights before they sell out. I've been burned in the past with an 11pm arrival and didn't get the kids to bed until 1am.

We've lived in DC and them in TX for 20+ years. We always fly to see them and vice versa. She booked her trip to DC last February three months in advance - so I don't think it's too early.

And, neither of us are cooking. It'll be dinner at the Club if we go. She gave up the kitchen awhile ago!