Christmas at McDonald's

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, coming from a dysfunctional family with lots of mental issues and jealousy AND with a "buffet" Christmas dinner--you have gotten some good advice from others.

If you still participate in this (and are maybe guilted into this), I would just:
(1) get the time from MIL
(2) plan to be there at least 30 minutes earlier than the time. Tell no one, except DH. Make him keep quiet.
(3)bring some additional food (like the ham, etc..)
(4) BOOM, problem solved.

MIL learns you are not reliable (and not going to be suckered in every year like she has done before) and you get to see who is there and when. Just try one year and see what happens. She is trusting you and DH to be dutiful and let her accomplish what she wants to: feeding others and shafting your DH and family. If you are going to continue to do this, play her game but better (and unpredictably.)

I would rather stay home, but realize that may not be possible for you for a host of dsyfunctional DH family reasons.

Thank you, you get it. This is what I was looking for - someone with a dysfunctional family (and someone who admits it!), who understands what I do not. There are too many posters here with too much time on their hands. Thank you for the helpful posts, no thank you for the not helpful ones. Dh is not yet ready to admit how screwed up they are. I suspect negative attention is better than no attention, in his book. he seems a bit conditioned, sadly.

What kind of therapy did you look for, to be at peace with this kind of family? I am at a loss, and appreciate your help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, coming from a dysfunctional family with lots of mental issues and jealousy AND with a "buffet" Christmas dinner--you have gotten some good advice from others.

If you still participate in this (and are maybe guilted into this), I would just:
(1) get the time from MIL
(2) plan to be there at least 30 minutes earlier than the time. Tell no one, except DH. Make him keep quiet.
(3)bring some additional food (like the ham, etc..)
(4) BOOM, problem solved.

MIL learns you are not reliable (and not going to be suckered in every year like she has done before) and you get to see who is there and when. Just try one year and see what happens. She is trusting you and DH to be dutiful and let her accomplish what she wants to: feeding others and shafting your DH and family. If you are going to continue to do this, play her game but better (and unpredictably.)

I would rather stay home, but realize that may not be possible for you for a host of dsyfunctional DH family reasons.

Thank you, you get it. This is what I was looking for - someone with a dysfunctional family (and someone who admits it!), who understands what I do not. There are too many posters here with too much time on their hands. Thank you for the helpful posts, no thank you for the not helpful ones. Dh is not yet ready to admit how screwed up they are. I suspect negative attention is better than no attention, in his book. he seems a bit conditioned, sadly.

What kind of therapy did you look for, to be at peace with this kind of family? I am at a loss, and appreciate your help.

I expect that's why he married you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do they actually sit down for dinner? Is there a place for everyone at the table? Are they done with dessert by the time you get there?

If there's not a proper meal served, I don't really understand the point of going there for "Christmas dinner", when there's no actual dinner. Can you do dinner with your family? Do you travel to see these people? I'd plan for a meal elsewhere, and then like a pp suggested, just show up with a dessert to share with them.

I think for most people the focus is less the food than the sharing of the meal. I'd honestly be more pissed/disappointed that there was no actual meal than that the food was gone. Even if there was enough food for us, it would be weird to sit and eat it if everyone else had already gone ahead and eaten their food without us.

They do not sit down. They stand up, there is not enough room for everyone. Mil keeps inviting more people, with the same amount of food. Like I said, it is baffling. I think she believes it is a contest of some sort: "how many people can this small turkey feed? Let's see!". I have to keep my sense of humor.

It is just our nuclear family, other than DH's family who lives close by, but never sees us, except maybe twice per year.

I definitely agree sharing of the meal is key! Thank you for touching upon that. My experience is polar opposite DH's, which adds to my confusion. Why would anyone keep inviting more people, yet never have enough food? Yikes.

OP here.

[Anonymous]

Don't go. Don't go. Don't go. I don't get it, I just don't. I would never make my kids have to deal with this. What a fun Christmas for them! Hi Larla and Larlo. We don't care enough about your family to save food for you.

Please OP, give me one good reason why you should go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find this story incredible to believe. If you picture what OP wrote, you get cavemen and women eating with their hands and fighting for every crumb, leaving bones and grease on empty plates.

I have a feeling OP is like my brother and SIL. Come late, bring nothing and expect it all to be there when their royal asses arrive. Then have the nerve to not only want plates to bring home but if they brought anything, take that back too.

If this story were even partly true, why would anyone put up with this abuse year after year after year ? I know I wouldn't.

Thank you for posting this!

When Sil's DCs were small, we would seemingly wait ALL day - Mil would give a certain time, and like clockwork (see what I did there), Sils would be about two hours late to the meal. It was always some excuse. Lo and behold, we would eat a cold dinner after having (get this) WAITED for them. Every single time. We were all told the same time, but they showed up about two hours late. Each time.

So when we are told a time, and show up ON TIME, we are left wondering what the problem is. We would never dare to be later than what Mil told us, for obvious reasons. But then, what could go wrong, there would be no food?

Op here. "Royal asses" - made me laugh - it was so true. Thanks for the laugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, coming from a dysfunctional family with lots of mental issues and jealousy AND with a "buffet" Christmas dinner--you have gotten some good advice from others.

If you still participate in this (and are maybe guilted into this), I would just:
(1) get the time from MIL
(2) plan to be there at least 30 minutes earlier than the time. Tell no one, except DH. Make him keep quiet.
(3)bring some additional food (like the ham, etc..)
(4) BOOM, problem solved.

MIL learns you are not reliable (and not going to be suckered in every year like she has done before) and you get to see who is there and when. Just try one year and see what happens. She is trusting you and DH to be dutiful and let her accomplish what she wants to: feeding others and shafting your DH and family. If you are going to continue to do this, play her game but better (and unpredictably.)

I would rather stay home, but realize that may not be possible for you for a host of dsyfunctional DH family reasons.

Thank you, you get it. This is what I was looking for - someone with a dysfunctional family (and someone who admits it!), who understands what I do not. There are too many posters here with too much time on their hands. Thank you for the helpful posts, no thank you for the not helpful ones. Dh is not yet ready to admit how screwed up they are. I suspect negative attention is better than no attention, in his book. he seems a bit conditioned, sadly.

What kind of therapy did you look for, to be at peace with this kind of family? I am at a loss, and appreciate your help.

I expect that's why he married you.

Why would you say that to someone who you don't know? Do you have a job? A life? Anything?

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP, stop and think for a second. Do you want your child to be exposed to this type of toxicity? I would not. If your DH can't stand up to his mom, then either stand up for him or let him go BY HIMSELF. There's nothing for your family to gain by hanging out with these people for one minute, let alone Christmas Day! Forget about buying food to bring, and just say NO.

[Anonymous]

This is bizarre. Why don't you start a new tradition of making a holiday meal for your own little family and then going over to the ILs for dessert, which you will bring. You don't have to tell your kids it's because MIL is crazy, just make it about how you and your kids are going to have a new family tradition. If by some miracle there is still food left when you arrive at the designated time, great. But if not, you'll have already eaten and can just visit with family. Obviously don't tell MIL about your plan, lest she cut the food even more or get offended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, coming from a dysfunctional family with lots of mental issues and jealousy AND with a "buffet" Christmas dinner--you have gotten some good advice from others.

If you still participate in this (and are maybe guilted into this), I would just:
(1) get the time from MIL
(2) plan to be there at least 30 minutes earlier than the time. Tell no one, except DH. Make him keep quiet.
(3)bring some additional food (like the ham, etc..)
(4) BOOM, problem solved.

MIL learns you are not reliable (and not going to be suckered in every year like she has done before) and you get to see who is there and when. Just try one year and see what happens. She is trusting you and DH to be dutiful and let her accomplish what she wants to: feeding others and shafting your DH and family. If you are going to continue to do this, play her game but better (and unpredictably.)

I would rather stay home, but realize that may not be possible for you for a host of dsyfunctional DH family reasons.

As someone who comes from a dysfunctional family, I think the problem is that it is not dysfunctional enough for you DH to overcome the societal pressure of fidelity to blood relatives. Personally, my family is so dysfunctional that I reached a point when I asked myself, why am I spending time with these people. The only answer I had was I was related to them, and I decided that was not enough of a reason.



Thank you, you get it. This is what I was looking for - someone with a dysfunctional family (and someone who admits it!), who understands what I do not. There are too many posters here with too much time on their hands. Thank you for the helpful posts, no thank you for the not helpful ones. Dh is not yet ready to admit how screwed up they are. I suspect negative attention is better than no attention, in his book. he seems a bit conditioned, sadly.

What kind of therapy did you look for, to be at peace with this kind of family? I am at a loss, and appreciate your help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they actually sit down for dinner? Is there a place for everyone at the table? Are they done with dessert by the time you get there?

If there's not a proper meal served, I don't really understand the point of going there for "Christmas dinner", when there's no actual dinner. Can you do dinner with your family? Do you travel to see these people? I'd plan for a meal elsewhere, and then like a pp suggested, just show up with a dessert to share with them.

I think for most people the focus is less the food than the sharing of the meal. I'd honestly be more pissed/disappointed that there was no actual meal than that the food was gone. Even if there was enough food for us, it would be weird to sit and eat it if everyone else had already gone ahead and eaten their food without us.

They do not sit down. They stand up, there is not enough room for everyone. Mil keeps inviting more people, with the same amount of food. Like I said, it is baffling. I think she believes it is a contest of some sort: "how many people can this small turkey feed? Let's see!". I have to keep my sense of humor.

It is just our nuclear family, other than DH's family who lives close by, but never sees us, except maybe twice per year.

I definitely agree sharing of the meal is key! Thank you for touching upon that. My experience is polar opposite DH's, which adds to my confusion. Why would anyone keep inviting more people, yet never have enough food? Yikes.

OP here.

This info makes the scene make more sense. Yes, MIL sounds rude and crazy. But everyone's standing around with the food sitting out, and it's not like they sit down for dinner, so people just start filling plates. And MIL is probably a little pissed at her son for making it obvious he doesn't like spending time with the family by showing up at the last minute. And she starts to realize that there isn't really enough food (which clearly she should have known) so she's not going to put aside food for the last family to appear, who she already is kind of mad at.

How do you and your husband get along with the other relatives. Could you stage a coup and all bring a ton of food? If not, I would just avoid the crazy, and focus on making your own traditions (and, yes, send DH to therapy).

[Anonymous]

OP, thanks for (sort of) explaining. I was one of the truly baffled PPs who couldn't understand the whole set up. So, if I understand, there's not a sit-down dinner. It's more like buffet, but even with that, no one really sits at a table to eat (no room) so more like an appetizer type party but with dinner-type food? Now it makes sense. And when you get there, everyone is standing around mingling with plates in hand and buffet table has scraps/crumbs.

Now that I understand, I want to offer another bit of advice. You mention that a day or two after xmas you go to other family and they feed you. Are they close enough where you could go there first - for like a late lunch type meal? then head over to MILs afterwards? I'm guessing that it's not really a holiday type meal at MILs anyway since there's no where to sit, and you have to manage you and your kids meals. Or like others have said - make a nice lunch at home - a big holiday lunch/brunch and have them fill up on that before heading to MILs. Don't get there early just to get a piece of the dinner. don't think of it as a Christmas dinner. think of it as a holiday party.

[Anonymous]

I'd plan a Xmas dinner at your house and have DH tell his mother that you all will come for dessert, and show up w/ some cookies or a pie and visit w/ them. If they can't provide you with dinner at the time they say and it happens yearly then you need to put a stop to it and make other plans.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I like the "bring desert" idea, too. I will have to decide which to do.

Funny story. Mil does make one desert. No more than 10 pieces of fudge. For 30 people. So it's a free for all! I just wanted to give you the whole picture

I don't know if she doesn't make enough, or it is left over from bridge club, or whatever. But I know (and she knows) that the fudge is the most popular. It's actually pretty funny to watch. Maybe I'll bring more fudge, so there will be enough for everyone. I like that idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, thanks for (sort of) explaining. I was one of the truly baffled PPs who couldn't understand the whole set up. So, if I understand, there's not a sit-down dinner. It's more like buffet, but even with that, no one really sits at a table to eat (no room) so more like an appetizer type party but with dinner-type food? Now it makes sense. And when you get there, everyone is standing around mingling with plates in hand and buffet table has scraps/crumbs.

Now that I understand, I want to offer another bit of advice. You mention that a day or two after xmas you go to other family and they feed you. Are they close enough where you could go there first - for like a late lunch type meal? then head over to MILs afterwards? I'm guessing that it's not really a holiday type meal at MILs anyway since there's no where to sit, and you have to manage you and your kids meals. Or like others have said - make a nice lunch at home - a big holiday lunch/brunch and have them fill up on that before heading to MILs. Don't get there early just to get a piece of the dinner. don't think of it as a Christmas dinner. think of it as a holiday party.

Oh, my family is across the country, kind of spread out. We see them during summer. It is easier on the DC. I wish they were closer - now that is Christmas! OP here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I like the "bring desert" idea, too. I will have to decide which to do.

Funny story. Mil does make one desert. No more than 10 pieces of fudge. For 30 people. So it's a free for all! I just wanted to give you the whole picture

I don't know if she doesn't make enough, or it is left over from bridge club, or whatever. But I know (and she knows) that the fudge is the most popular. It's actually pretty funny to watch. Maybe I'll bring more fudge, so there will be enough for everyone. I like that idea.

Sigh. I hope your kids learn to stand up for themselves.