Sex in a Teenager's Bedroom? What say you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Remember, your kid's young, but when the time comes, the issue will remain: if you allow your kids to have sleepovers &/or sex in their room, will you be ready to raise the grandkid created from such an event?

This assumes that if the kid can't have sleepovers &/or sex in their room, the kid won't have sex. Which is kind of an iffy assumption.

I never assumed that, you presumed it. What I said was that if you allow the sleepovers and/or sex but don't affirmatively remind them to use protection, their future may be mired in unwanted pregnancies and/or life-changing diseases like AIDS and herpes. They don't just wash away; they're forever. You forget that teens are impulsive and inexperienced with birth control. Their emotions run wild and their attention spans are short. Allowing such behavior amounts to an endorsement for behavior with life long consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm surprised that so many of you would express disappointment, anger, not in my house, etc . . . What is the goal? To lead them to sneak around? To teach them sex is bad? To completely remove yourself from any conversation about what they are actually doing?

My goal is to raise my DD to see sex as a really good thing in the right context, meaning a loving, positive relationship. My secondary goal is to make sure she will talk to me if and when she feels the need to discuss anything related to sex. I'm 12:52 and my DD is 17 and I have no problem with her having sex with her boyfriend in her bedroom with the door closed. She has gotten the message that the relationship is important. I do not fear that she will go off to college and hook up like crazy.

As for the poster who insists her DC won't have sex until marriage . . . you are dreaming, but okey dokey. My parents thought the same thing about me. HA HA HA HA.

I'm sure someone will trip me up with this analogy, but here goes anyway:

I think of sex kind of like alcohol. I want my kids to have a healthy respect for alcohol, to be able to drink responsibly, to have full information about the impact of drinking, etc etc etc. I want them to be able to talk to me about the drinking that is going on around them and even (god forbid, LOL) the drinking that they themselves are doing. I want them to know my personal values about drinking, but also to feel that they can ALWAYS call me if they or the person driving them has been drinking. So we talk about drinking, the good and the bad, I express my opinion about responsible drinking, about the dangers of drinking so much that you have to rely on others (teens, no less, LOL) for your safety and well-being, I say again and again that they will never be punished for CALLING ME for a ride. But I don't serve alcohol to teens.

And I think of sex and alcohol similarly in this way: I think the later the start, generally the better. Sure, some kids drink or have sex at age 14 and turn out great. But statistics suggest that kids who start drinking at older ages rather than younger tend to have healthier attitudes toward drinking, are less likely to develop problems with alcohol, etc. I have a notion that delaying sex might have similar positive effects overall. I have no statistics at hand to back up that opinion, it is just the view I take.

OP here and I agree. This was the view my mother took and it worked. All three of her daughters are college educated professionals with well-paying jobs. You don't have to take a hard line to successfully pass on your values and help your children understand consequences and responsibility when it comes to issues like this. I hope it will be the same for my kids, but I do wonder how I would feel one day if he called our bluff and said "hey mom and dad, I met this girl and I think I want to have sex." I'd like to think I would be able to respond calmly (even if I'm freaking out on the inside).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Remember, your kid's young, but when the time comes, the issue will remain: if you allow your kids to have sleepovers &/or sex in their room, will you be ready to raise the grandkid created from such an event?

This assumes that if the kid can't have sleepovers &/or sex in their room, the kid won't have sex. Which is kind of an iffy assumption.

I never assumed that, you presumed it. What I said was that if you allow the sleepovers and/or sex but don't affirmatively remind them to use protection, their future may be mired in unwanted pregnancies and/or life-changing diseases like AIDS and herpes. They don't just wash away; they're forever. You forget that teens are impulsive and inexperienced with birth control. Their emotions run wild and their attention spans are short. Allowing such behavior amounts to an endorsement for behavior with life long consequences.

Oh. My. God. Stop. Everyone here has basically said they would "affirmatively remind them to use protection." No one has said they are cool with their kids having frequent, unprotected sex. Get of the soapbox Grandma. Your harping is getting old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And I think of sex and alcohol similarly in this way: I think the later the start, generally the better. Sure, some kids drink or have sex at age 14 and turn out great. But statistics suggest that kids who start drinking at older ages rather than younger tend to have healthier attitudes toward drinking, are less likely to develop problems with alcohol, etc. I have a notion that delaying sex might have similar positive effects overall. I have no statistics at hand to back up that opinion, it is just the view I take.

Actually I agree with all of this. I just don't think that "you can't have sex in my house!" stops kids from having sex. It just stops kids from having sex in your house (or at least from having sex in your house with you knowing about it).

Oh, I don't disagree. I can't stop my kids from having sex. But that doesn't mean I have to allow them to use their bedroom when I'm home, either. (Which, I might add, would at any rate be EXTREMELY uncomfortable for those of us in smaller houses. Our three bedrooms are located in a 600-square-foot space. I'm already intimately familiar with how awkward this can be, LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mother of older teen and what she does with her boyfriend in her room with the door closed is her business. She is in a positive relationship with a young man whom we like very much and frankly I think in this context she should be having sex. At the very least it is healthy and appropriate. If she were behaving recklessly or if she was much younger I would feel differently. But sex is a good thing, no?

Will raising her child be your business? Actually, yes. Tell her about condoms, for your sake as well as hers. Sex is a mixed bag emotionally as well as physically. It's not a neutral.

You know what? You can stop now. There's not one parent on this thread who has said they give their kids carte blanche to have sex WITHOUT having discussed the realities of sex. So get off your damned soapbox and let the adults talk.

Oh, I hit a nerve, did I? I am an adult, and I can tell by your reaction, one far more mature than you. "Realities" aside, I think the truth is that you don't want to face such sticky realities but would like to cling to the notion that you can be your kid's "friend" as well as her mother. Well, guess what? You can't. She's taking risks with her future and you're denying it. Your denial of reality is so utterly thin that a stranger on an anonymous board like DCUM can get you freak out with all caps screaming, so maybe you have a few internal realities to confront, too. Maybe you're the one who hasn't quite grown up yet.
'

[Anonymous]

Good grief.

[Anonymous]

Don't forget statutory rape laws

[Anonymous]

I put a stop to sex in my home when my sons broke my computer chair, found pubic hair in my kitchen and saw stains on my new mattress. Stains I did not have before.

Oh and I didn't appreciate waking up in the middle of the night seeing a topless skank looking in my refrigerator either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The idea of "having a word with your teen" about being more discreet while he/she has sex in your house is just....I'm speechless.

Why are you speechless?

Well, you're this kid's parent not their college roommate...for one thing.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I'm the kid's parent. And part of being a parent is talking to the kid about sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I put a stop to sex in my home when my sons broke my computer chair, found pubic hair in my kitchen and saw stains on my new mattress. Stains I did not have before.

Oh and I didn't appreciate waking up in the middle of the night seeing a topless skank looking in my refrigerator either.

Oh, my! *clutches pearls*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mother of older teen and what she does with her boyfriend in her room with the door closed is her business. She is in a positive relationship with a young man whom we like very much and frankly I think in this context she should be having sex. At the very least it is healthy and appropriate. If she were behaving recklessly or if she was much younger I would feel differently. But sex is a good thing, no?

Will raising her child be your business? Actually, yes. Tell her about condoms, for your sake as well as hers. Sex is a mixed bag emotionally as well as physically. It's not a neutral.

You know what? You can stop now. There's not one parent on this thread who has said they give their kids carte blanche to have sex WITHOUT having discussed the realities of sex. So get off your damned soapbox and let the adults talk.

Oh, I hit a nerve, did I? I am an adult, and I can tell by your reaction, one far more mature than you. "Realities" aside, I think the truth is that you don't want to face such sticky realities but would like to cling to the notion that you can be your kid's "friend" as well as her mother. Well, guess what? You can't. She's taking risks with her future and you're denying it. Your denial of reality is so utterly thin that a stranger on an anonymous board like DCUM can get you freak out with all caps screaming, so maybe you have a few internal realities to confront, too. Maybe you're the one who hasn't quite grown up yet.
'

No, I'm just not crazy. I'm OP. I have a four year old boy. I'm obviously not doing any of the things that you have accused me of, nutcase. You're derailing a perfectly adult conversation with your hyperactive nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I'm the kid's parent. And part of being a parent is talking to the kid about sex.

+1

[Anonymous]

My parents thing was "no sex before you're ready." Marriage wasn't even a factor. If I was capable of asking them directly for birth control, could tell them how I was protecting myself, knew who my partner would be, they didn't care. My boyfriend spent the night probably half the week all through my junior and senior years of high school. I saw him at a funeral last summer and it was a pleasant run-in. I think I was better prepared for what happened in college because I had a stable relationship that included sex and everything that comes with it before I got there.

[Anonymous]

OP back here 14:43. Your nonsense is also not warranted toward the first PP, because, as was pointed out, you are making a lot of assumptions that most likely aren't true. Your judgmental nature is certainly showing through however. If this equates to "mature adult" in your world, well, I can't help you.