My DH has 2-3 drinks per night - is he an alcoholic?

[Anonymous]

OP, it all depends on whether he has to have those 2-3 drinks. My mom only drank one or two glasses of wine a night (at least that's what she told me) but she absolutely had to have it. When my brother stopped drinking, she complained about going out to dinner with him and his wife because she couldn't have a drink. When bro got kicked out by his wife and went to rehab, mom complained about the fact that he would be coming home to live with her and that she would have to put her alcohol away.

Later in her life she started telling me that she didn't think my late father had really been an alcoholic. He had quit drinking when I was 16 after she had threatened to divorce him if he didn't quit drinking. She was obviously comparing her own use of alcohol to his and worried about her own use.

My mother would never have said she was an alcoholic when she died and the vast majority of her friends and family would not have said that either. Yet she was obviously dependent on alcohol and it colored her thinking.

So I'm here to tell you it's possible your dh is an alcoholic even if he doesn't drink more than 3 drinks a night. But it's also possible he is not. It really depends on his relationship to alcohol. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trust me, people. If you drink two or three glasses of scotch every night for years, you will become an alcoholic. Maybe you will be one of the lucky ones who can exist as a functional alcoholic and keep your job, etc. but you will still be an alcoholic. Lots of boomers are going thru this now. Try spending a week with your folks if they drink two or three each night and then let us know what you think.

Bummer. My MIL told me quite voluntarily that she knows that she is only supposed to have one drink a day (as per medical recommendation) but she by god is going to have two and that's just it. I don't drink because there's a lot of addiction in my family but I don't get on her about drinking even though I'm concerned about it - who insists that they're having two drinks a day? If you have to count it and defend it, rather than just drinking when you feel like it, that's not a good sign. But it's her life. I know there is no point in talking to her about it. I keep my mouth shut.

[Anonymous]

Not an alcoholic. It sounds like he is not even getting drunk! If you've ever been around a *true* alcoholic, you'll know there's a huge difference between liking your scotch (and maybe even drinking a bit too much from time to time) and real alcoholism. Commonly used alcoholism screening tests look for indications that alcohol is having a negative effect on health or life -- e.g., DUIs, fights, drunk in the morning ... Doesn't sound like any of that is happening here. Here is one example of a screening test: http://counsellingresource.com/lib/quizzes/drug-testing/alcohol-mast/

Now, that amount of drinking may be unhealthy, but if he was an alcoholic or had the tendency towards it, it would be unmistakeable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:the fact that he doesn't seem drunk is concerning.

your body gets used to the alcohol the more you drink so high tolerance is a bad bad sign.

Per night can be a long time-- how many hours is that that he'd consume 2 to 3 drinks? Also what man of 180 pounds or more gets drunk on 2 or 3 drinks?

[Anonymous]

Don't listen to pp re screenings. My parents and one sibling are functional logo licks. No duis, no fights, stable jobs, etc.

How does he act right before he goes to bed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ PP here. Another thing to add is that functional alcoholics are often in great shape, have great jobs, run marathons, have families - at least my family members suffering from addicition did / do. But they were also dependent on alcohol. They used it. No, they were never raging drunks, but they also believed they couldn't get by without 2, 3, or 4 drinks of wine, scotch, or gin a night.

I often wonder about my mom in this regard. She has wine at lunch (sometimes before lunch), in the afternoon and at dinner (less than a bottle a day). But she is in phenomenal shape at 75 and can out-hike most 50 year olds, does yoga, goes out, holds dinner parties. She is very organized and on top of everything and travels the world. She has her personality issues (is critical), but is doing much better than most her age. Is she an alcoholic? Does it matter? I tend to think not, but am not sure. PP, in what way did it matter to your family members or to you?

Are you saying your mother drinks wine every day at almost every meal? "Less than a bottle" is what, two-thirds of a bottle?

I hope she doesn't drive.

[Anonymous]

What's always interesting in these threads is how important it is for some posters to avoid the label alcoholic. If OP's husband needs to drink that much and can't do without it, he has a problem. It doesn't matter whether you call him an alcoholic or not.

George W. Bush quit drinking and drugging and never called himself an alcoholic. Seems to me that he did what he needed to do and that's what was important. If he didn't want to call himself an alcoholic, that's his business.

(BTW this is not an endorsement for Bush who sucked as a president.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not an alcoholic. It sounds like he is not even getting drunk! If you've ever been around a *true* alcoholic, you'll know there's a huge difference between liking your scotch (and maybe even drinking a bit too much from time to time) and real alcoholism. Commonly used alcoholism screening tests look for indications that alcohol is having a negative effect on health or life -- e.g., DUIs, fights, drunk in the morning ... Doesn't sound like any of that is happening here. Here is one example of a screening test: http://counsellingresource.com/lib/quizzes/drug-testing/alcohol-mast/

Now, that amount of drinking may be unhealthy, but if he was an alcoholic or had the tendency towards it, it would be unmistakeable.

A) People are often able to mask the extent to which they feel the effects of alcohol. Not everyone slurs, has trouble walking, or gets aggressive.

B) It's not the quantity but the relationship with alcohol. If alcohol serves as a "medication" that the individual continually "uses" to address depression, anxiety, fear, or stress - or if drinking is a means to chase the "buzz" and exhiliration many of us feel when we drink, then it's a problem.

The stereotype of the stumbling drunk who gets nasty or has numerous DUIs is just that, a stereotype. Many alcoholics have a disease that quietly eats away at their self esteem, confidence, relationships, and health. But they live in denial telling themselves that because they aren't the stereotype, they don't have a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't listen to pp re screenings. My parents and one sibling are functional logo licks. No duis, no fights, stable jobs, etc.

How does he act right before he goes to bed?

That's nice that you know more about the subject than well-established medical science ...

I believe that "high functioning alcoholism" is a real thing -- but it is certainly not described by 2 drinks/night, even if someone REALLY REALLY likes those drinks and would be sad to not have them anymore. Here is an article that describes drinking patterns well:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-high-functioning-alcoholic/200904/social-drinkers-problem-drinkers-and-high-functioning-alc

In short, LIKING to drink is not the same thing as alcoholism. Alcoholism implies serious interference in your life. Somebody who can have 2 drinks/night and no more, most nights of the week, is NOT and alcoholic. There's no blacking out, no puking, no inability to stop at 2, no cravings to drink in the AM ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's always interesting in these threads is how important it is for some posters to avoid the label alcoholic. If OP's husband needs to drink that much and can't do without it, he has a problem. It doesn't matter whether you call him an alcoholic or not.

George W. Bush quit drinking and drugging and never called himself an alcoholic. Seems to me that he did what he needed to do and that's what was important. If he didn't want to call himself an alcoholic, that's his business.

(BTW this is not an endorsement for Bush who sucked as a president.)

This. My mom says that alcohol "didn't agree with her." She has been in AA for 24 years and actively works on her recovery. She drank 2 - 3 glasses of wine every night and felt like it became an essential part of her day that she couldn't do with out. She craved it and as a result felt shame and embarrassment when she couldn't stop for more than a day at a time. But she certainly wasn't a drunk - never once do I remember seeing her affected by alcohol.

Some people seem more preocuppied with the label than with the dependency that indicates a serious problem.

[Anonymous]

My parents always had a cocktail hour before dinner- two or three drinks every night. We kids weren't crazy about it since they acted less inhibited afterwards but it seemed like a common routine in their generation. Now that they are older, they can't drink as much so either they are anxious or popping the anti-anxiety meds. Is your husband trying to medicate himself with the alcohol, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not an alcoholic. It sounds like he is not even getting drunk! If you've ever been around a *true* alcoholic, you'll know there's a huge difference between liking your scotch (and maybe even drinking a bit too much from time to time) and real alcoholism. Commonly used alcoholism screening tests look for indications that alcohol is having a negative effect on health or life -- e.g., DUIs, fights, drunk in the morning ... Doesn't sound like any of that is happening here. Here is one example of a screening test: http://counsellingresource.com/lib/quizzes/drug-testing/alcohol-mast/

Now, that amount of drinking may be unhealthy, but if he was an alcoholic or had the tendency towards it, it would be unmistakeable.

A) People are often able to mask the extent to which they feel the effects of alcohol. Not everyone slurs, has trouble walking, or gets aggressive.

B) It's not the quantity but the relationship with alcohol. If alcohol serves as a "medication" that the individual continually "uses" to address depression, anxiety, fear, or stress - or if drinking is a means to chase the "buzz" and exhiliration many of us feel when we drink, then it's a problem.

The stereotype of the stumbling drunk who gets nasty or has numerous DUIs is just that, a stereotype. Many alcoholics have a disease that quietly eats away at their self esteem, confidence, relationships, and health. But they live in denial telling themselves that because they aren't the stereotype, they don't have a problem.

Oh come on now. The vast majority of people who are social drinkers do it because they like the feeling it gives them (the buzz, the relaxation.) By your definition, a huge number of people would be alcoholics! I'm sorry, but TWO DRINKS A NIGHT (and not even getting drunk, apparently) is not a "disease."

I KNOW what alcoholism looks like, and it is not two drinks a night, no matter how much dude likes his scotch.

Now, if this guy is white knuckling it and having a hard time stopping at two, and every so often goes on a bender and gets blind drunk, then he might have a problem. But that is not what the OP is describing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's always interesting in these threads is how important it is for some posters to avoid the label alcoholic. If OP's husband needs to drink that much and can't do without it, he has a problem. It doesn't matter whether you call him an alcoholic or not.

George W. Bush quit drinking and drugging and never called himself an alcoholic. Seems to me that he did what he needed to do and that's what was important. If he didn't want to call himself an alcoholic, that's his business.

(BTW this is not an endorsement for Bush who sucked as a president.)

This. My mom says that alcohol "didn't agree with her." She has been in AA for 24 years and actively works on her recovery. She drank 2 - 3 glasses of wine every night and felt like it became an essential part of her day that she couldn't do with out. She craved it and as a result felt shame and embarrassment when she couldn't stop for more than a day at a time. But she certainly wasn't a drunk - never once do I remember seeing her affected by alcohol.

Some people seem more preocuppied with the label than with the dependency that indicates a serious problem.

I'm sorry, but if your mom went to AA for two glasses of wine a night, then her real problem was either with shame and embarassment, not alcoholism. Either that, or she was drinking a lot more than she told you.

[Anonymous]

Different poster here. Sorry, 17:30, you don't have to go on a bender every so often to be an alcoholic. I've been around a fair number of alcoholics who didn't go on benders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's always interesting in these threads is how important it is for some posters to avoid the label alcoholic. If OP's husband needs to drink that much and can't do without it, he has a problem. It doesn't matter whether you call him an alcoholic or not.

George W. Bush quit drinking and drugging and never called himself an alcoholic. Seems to me that he did what he needed to do and that's what was important. If he didn't want to call himself an alcoholic, that's his business.

(BTW this is not an endorsement for Bush who sucked as a president.)

This. My mom says that alcohol "didn't agree with her." She has been in AA for 24 years and actively works on her recovery. She drank 2 - 3 glasses of wine every night and felt like it became an essential part of her day that she couldn't do with out. She craved it and as a result felt shame and embarrassment when she couldn't stop for more than a day at a time. But she certainly wasn't a drunk - never once do I remember seeing her affected by alcohol.

Some people seem more preocuppied with the label than with the dependency that indicates a serious problem.

I'm sorry, but if your mom went to AA for two glasses of wine a night, then her real problem was either with shame and embarassment, not alcoholism. Either that, or she was drinking a lot more than she told you.

Different poster here. Her problem was obviously that she couldn't stop drinking for very long. That's what a number of posters have been saying. If you need to have two drinks a night, you have a problem. If you can take it or leave it - as most people can - then it's not a big deal.