Is Andropause real?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friends all have DHs 44-48, and they’ve all lost their damn minds. Affairs, mental health crises, lost jobs, wanting to randomly move abroad, alcoholism, you name it and some guy has done it since turning 44/45.

Someone said this is biological and is male menopause. Seriously? If it can be explained that easily, why aren’t we medicating them to the gills the way we do for erectile dysfunction?

I really want to believe this is a biological thing that we can fix so families can be saved. I don’t want to think that most of my friends’ husbands have turned into irrevocable overnight disasters.

DH here: I think it’s generally circumstantial rather than biological, although low T is a meaningful factor for some. That is a stage of life where careers plateau, when you kind of run out of steam work-wise but are looking at needing to grind out another 20 years even so. For many, sex in their marriages has declined to a low ebb. There can be a lack of acknowledgement from one’s spouse about the sacrifices that have been made to provide economically, and many marriages seem to get trapped in the “who has given up more”/lack of affection/mutual recrimination spiral. It’s a time when the reality that you are basically trapped by the results of your prior choices and there is little to be done really bites. Rather than deal with these feelings constructively, some men just crash out instead. Obviously, that’s bad.

But there is no pill for “stuck in job I hate for jerk boss and need to do that for another 20 years to manage college bills.” What most of these men need is to lift weights and read Marcus Aurelius, but not everyone finds that. Religion would help many, too. At root, I think this is not a biological problem, it is a philosophical one. These men don’t need a pill; they need a philosopher or a priest.

Hahaha I am in something of a similar rut. I literally started getting into the classics and ancient history, and reading Seneca and Aurelius. I just added weights at the gym and was telling my wife how much better I feel. We are putting together schedules for the kids and I was saying how it may not be possible to keep that up when the fall starts. Her response was that she would move heaven and earth to make the time to for me to get to the gym. Things aren’t perfect. Not even close. But they’re looking up.

Meanwhile the opposite of that: I’m the OP of this thread and this week DH left us? I think? He had been down for a while and I encouraged him to talk to a doctor and think about a sabbatical from work or maybe a trip or maybe different exercise.

Nope. He has gone to our second house and decided to stay there indefinitely and he “might get an apartment close to work in the fall.” I asked him to come home to spend time with the kids this weekend and he said it would be confusing for them. I was already essentially a single married parent already, but WTF, DH? Who just bails out and holds his balls on a couch 3 hours away when the going gets hard and then has zero conscience about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friends all have DHs 44-48, and they’ve all lost their damn minds. Affairs, mental health crises, lost jobs, wanting to randomly move abroad, alcoholism, you name it and some guy has done it since turning 44/45.

Someone said this is biological and is male menopause. Seriously? If it can be explained that easily, why aren’t we medicating them to the gills the way we do for erectile dysfunction?

I really want to believe this is a biological thing that we can fix so families can be saved. I don’t want to think that most of my friends’ husbands have turned into irrevocable overnight disasters.

DH here: I think it’s generally circumstantial rather than biological, although low T is a meaningful factor for some. That is a stage of life where careers plateau, when you kind of run out of steam work-wise but are looking at needing to grind out another 20 years even so. For many, sex in their marriages has declined to a low ebb. There can be a lack of acknowledgement from one’s spouse about the sacrifices that have been made to provide economically, and many marriages seem to get trapped in the “who has given up more”/lack of affection/mutual recrimination spiral. It’s a time when the reality that you are basically trapped by the results of your prior choices and there is little to be done really bites. Rather than deal with these feelings constructively, some men just crash out instead. Obviously, that’s bad.

But there is no pill for “stuck in job I hate for jerk boss and need to do that for another 20 years to manage college bills.” What most of these men need is to lift weights and read Marcus Aurelius, but not everyone finds that. Religion would help many, too. At root, I think this is not a biological problem, it is a philosophical one. These men don’t need a pill; they need a philosopher or a priest.

Hahaha I am in something of a similar rut. I literally started getting into the classics and ancient history, and reading Seneca and Aurelius. I just added weights at the gym and was telling my wife how much better I feel. We are putting together schedules for the kids and I was saying how it may not be possible to keep that up when the fall starts. Her response was that she would move heaven and earth to make the time to for me to get to the gym. Things aren’t perfect. Not even close. But they’re looking up.

Meanwhile the opposite of that: I’m the OP of this thread and this week DH left us? I think? He had been down for a while and I encouraged him to talk to a doctor and think about a sabbatical from work or maybe a trip or maybe different exercise.

Nope. He has gone to our second house and decided to stay there indefinitely and he “might get an apartment close to work in the fall.” I asked him to come home to spend time with the kids this weekend and he said it would be confusing for them. I was already essentially a single married parent already, but WTF, DH? Who just bails out and holds his balls on a couch 3 hours away when the going gets hard and then has zero conscience about it?

I’m sorry, OP. My DH would probably do that if we had a second house. As it is, he retreats to the guestroom, and from time to time threatens to get an apartment of his own, but has never followed through on it.

My guess is your DH left because it was easy… getting a getting an actual apartment, furnishing it, etc. would be work. My guess is he’s not going to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friends all have DHs 44-48, and they’ve all lost their damn minds. Affairs, mental health crises, lost jobs, wanting to randomly move abroad, alcoholism, you name it and some guy has done it since turning 44/45.

Someone said this is biological and is male menopause. Seriously? If it can be explained that easily, why aren’t we medicating them to the gills the way we do for erectile dysfunction?

I really want to believe this is a biological thing that we can fix so families can be saved. I don’t want to think that most of my friends’ husbands have turned into irrevocable overnight disasters.

DH here: I think it’s generally circumstantial rather than biological, although low T is a meaningful factor for some. That is a stage of life where careers plateau, when you kind of run out of steam work-wise but are looking at needing to grind out another 20 years even so. For many, sex in their marriages has declined to a low ebb. There can be a lack of acknowledgement from one’s spouse about the sacrifices that have been made to provide economically, and many marriages seem to get trapped in the “who has given up more”/lack of affection/mutual recrimination spiral. It’s a time when the reality that you are basically trapped by the results of your prior choices and there is little to be done really bites. Rather than deal with these feelings constructively, some men just crash out instead. Obviously, that’s bad.

But there is no pill for “stuck in job I hate for jerk boss and need to do that for another 20 years to manage college bills.” What most of these men need is to lift weights and read Marcus Aurelius, but not everyone finds that. Religion would help many, too. At root, I think this is not a biological problem, it is a philosophical one. These men don’t need a pill; they need a philosopher or a priest.

Hahaha I am in something of a similar rut. I literally started getting into the classics and ancient history, and reading Seneca and Aurelius. I just added weights at the gym and was telling my wife how much better I feel. We are putting together schedules for the kids and I was saying how it may not be possible to keep that up when the fall starts. Her response was that she would move heaven and earth to make the time to for me to get to the gym. Things aren’t perfect. Not even close. But they’re looking up.

Meanwhile the opposite of that: I’m the OP of this thread and this week DH left us? I think? He had been down for a while and I encouraged him to talk to a doctor and think about a sabbatical from work or maybe a trip or maybe different exercise.

Nope. He has gone to our second house and decided to stay there indefinitely and he “might get an apartment close to work in the fall.” I asked him to come home to spend time with the kids this weekend and he said it would be confusing for them. I was already essentially a single married parent already, but WTF, DH? Who just bails out and holds his balls on a couch 3 hours away when the going gets hard and then has zero conscience about it?

I’m sorry, OP. My DH would probably do that if we had a second house. As it is, he retreats to the guestroom, and from time to time threatens to get an apartment of his own, but has never followed through on it.

My guess is your DH left because it was easy… getting a getting an actual apartment, furnishing it, etc. would be work. My guess is he’s not going to do it.

Of course DH insisted that he had zero flexibility this summer because his office was RTO 3x/week so he couldn’t do kid or dog stuff. I’m guessing he isn’t commuting 3 hours 2x/day 3x/week and he’s suddenly a lot more flexible than he was when it was for tedious drives in traffic to swim meets or rushing home to let the dog out.

Boo, middle aged man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friends all have DHs 44-48, and they’ve all lost their damn minds. Affairs, mental health crises, lost jobs, wanting to randomly move abroad, alcoholism, you name it and some guy has done it since turning 44/45.

Someone said this is biological and is male menopause. Seriously? If it can be explained that easily, why aren’t we medicating them to the gills the way we do for erectile dysfunction?

I really want to believe this is a biological thing that we can fix so families can be saved. I don’t want to think that most of my friends’ husbands have turned into irrevocable overnight disasters.

DH here: I think it’s generally circumstantial rather than biological, although low T is a meaningful factor for some. That is a stage of life where careers plateau, when you kind of run out of steam work-wise but are looking at needing to grind out another 20 years even so. For many, sex in their marriages has declined to a low ebb. There can be a lack of acknowledgement from one’s spouse about the sacrifices that have been made to provide economically, and many marriages seem to get trapped in the “who has given up more”/lack of affection/mutual recrimination spiral. It’s a time when the reality that you are basically trapped by the results of your prior choices and there is little to be done really bites. Rather than deal with these feelings constructively, some men just crash out instead. Obviously, that’s bad.

But there is no pill for “stuck in job I hate for jerk boss and need to do that for another 20 years to manage college bills.” What most of these men need is to lift weights and read Marcus Aurelius, but not everyone finds that. Religion would help many, too. At root, I think this is not a biological problem, it is a philosophical one. These men don’t need a pill; they need a philosopher or a priest.

Hahaha I am in something of a similar rut. I literally started getting into the classics and ancient history, and reading Seneca and Aurelius. I just added weights at the gym and was telling my wife how much better I feel. We are putting together schedules for the kids and I was saying how it may not be possible to keep that up when the fall starts. Her response was that she would move heaven and earth to make the time to for me to get to the gym. Things aren’t perfect. Not even close. But they’re looking up.

Meanwhile the opposite of that: I’m the OP of this thread and this week DH left us? I think? He had been down for a while and I encouraged him to talk to a doctor and think about a sabbatical from work or maybe a trip or maybe different exercise.

Nope. He has gone to our second house and decided to stay there indefinitely and he “might get an apartment close to work in the fall.” I asked him to come home to spend time with the kids this weekend and he said it would be confusing for them. I was already essentially a single married parent already, but WTF, DH? Who just bails out and holds his balls on a couch 3 hours away when the going gets hard and then has zero conscience about it?

I’m sorry OP but are you blindsided? 6 days ago you were asking about your friends’ husbands… did you feel like something like this was coming?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friends all have DHs 44-48, and they’ve all lost their damn minds. Affairs, mental health crises, lost jobs, wanting to randomly move abroad, alcoholism, you name it and some guy has done it since turning 44/45.

Someone said this is biological and is male menopause. Seriously? If it can be explained that easily, why aren’t we medicating them to the gills the way we do for erectile dysfunction?

I really want to believe this is a biological thing that we can fix so families can be saved. I don’t want to think that most of my friends’ husbands have turned into irrevocable overnight disasters.

DH here: I think it’s generally circumstantial rather than biological, although low T is a meaningful factor for some. That is a stage of life where careers plateau, when you kind of run out of steam work-wise but are looking at needing to grind out another 20 years even so. For many, sex in their marriages has declined to a low ebb. There can be a lack of acknowledgement from one’s spouse about the sacrifices that have been made to provide economically, and many marriages seem to get trapped in the “who has given up more”/lack of affection/mutual recrimination spiral. It’s a time when the reality that you are basically trapped by the results of your prior choices and there is little to be done really bites. Rather than deal with these feelings constructively, some men just crash out instead. Obviously, that’s bad.

But there is no pill for “stuck in job I hate for jerk boss and need to do that for another 20 years to manage college bills.” What most of these men need is to lift weights and read Marcus Aurelius, but not everyone finds that. Religion would help many, too. At root, I think this is not a biological problem, it is a philosophical one. These men don’t need a pill; they need a philosopher or a priest.

Hahaha I am in something of a similar rut. I literally started getting into the classics and ancient history, and reading Seneca and Aurelius. I just added weights at the gym and was telling my wife how much better I feel. We are putting together schedules for the kids and I was saying how it may not be possible to keep that up when the fall starts. Her response was that she would move heaven and earth to make the time to for me to get to the gym. Things aren’t perfect. Not even close. But they’re looking up.

Meanwhile the opposite of that: I’m the OP of this thread and this week DH left us? I think? He had been down for a while and I encouraged him to talk to a doctor and think about a sabbatical from work or maybe a trip or maybe different exercise.

Nope. He has gone to our second house and decided to stay there indefinitely and he “might get an apartment close to work in the fall.” I asked him to come home to spend time with the kids this weekend and he said it would be confusing for them. I was already essentially a single married parent already, but WTF, DH? Who just bails out and holds his balls on a couch 3 hours away when the going gets hard and then has zero conscience about it?

I’m sorry OP but are you blindsided? 6 days ago you were asking about your friends’ husbands… did you feel like something like this was coming?

Totally. Completely. blindsided.

I started this thread because I had just found out that my best friend’s husband had left her for his colleague. I was working through the shock of that which was the last straw after a few similar bombs.

Part of me thinks that the shock of hearing that news somehow gave DH a feeling of finally having permission to bail himself, especially since if it wasn’t for an affair it is somehow not as egregious.

Reeling, shock, stunned…I’m sleepwalking through my days.

On the bright side I lost 7 lbs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friends all have DHs 44-48, and they’ve all lost their damn minds. Affairs, mental health crises, lost jobs, wanting to randomly move abroad, alcoholism, you name it and some guy has done it since turning 44/45.

Someone said this is biological and is male menopause. Seriously? If it can be explained that easily, why aren’t we medicating them to the gills the way we do for erectile dysfunction?

I really want to believe this is a biological thing that we can fix so families can be saved. I don’t want to think that most of my friends’ husbands have turned into irrevocable overnight disasters.

DH here: I think it’s generally circumstantial rather than biological, although low T is a meaningful factor for some. That is a stage of life where careers plateau, when you kind of run out of steam work-wise but are looking at needing to grind out another 20 years even so. For many, sex in their marriages has declined to a low ebb. There can be a lack of acknowledgement from one’s spouse about the sacrifices that have been made to provide economically, and many marriages seem to get trapped in the “who has given up more”/lack of affection/mutual recrimination spiral. It’s a time when the reality that you are basically trapped by the results of your prior choices and there is little to be done really bites. Rather than deal with these feelings constructively, some men just crash out instead. Obviously, that’s bad.

But there is no pill for “stuck in job I hate for jerk boss and need to do that for another 20 years to manage college bills.” What most of these men need is to lift weights and read Marcus Aurelius, but not everyone finds that. Religion would help many, too. At root, I think this is not a biological problem, it is a philosophical one. These men don’t need a pill; they need a philosopher or a priest.

Hahaha I am in something of a similar rut. I literally started getting into the classics and ancient history, and reading Seneca and Aurelius. I just added weights at the gym and was telling my wife how much better I feel. We are putting together schedules for the kids and I was saying how it may not be possible to keep that up when the fall starts. Her response was that she would move heaven and earth to make the time to for me to get to the gym. Things aren’t perfect. Not even close. But they’re looking up.

Meanwhile the opposite of that: I’m the OP of this thread and this week DH left us? I think? He had been down for a while and I encouraged him to talk to a doctor and think about a sabbatical from work or maybe a trip or maybe different exercise.

Nope. He has gone to our second house and decided to stay there indefinitely and he “might get an apartment close to work in the fall.” I asked him to come home to spend time with the kids this weekend and he said it would be confusing for them. I was already essentially a single married parent already, but WTF, DH? Who just bails out and holds his balls on a couch 3 hours away when the going gets hard and then has zero conscience about it?

It would be confusing for the kids for him to spend time with them???

Does he plan to exit their lives entirely now???

I’m so sorry OP. I truly feel for you. The older I get the less I have any feelings toward men beyond contempt as I have seen them hurting women and children I care about my whole life and expecting endless forgiveness in return.

I don’t know how we change this patriarchy BS but it seems as the mothers of the boys who grow into male entitlement, we should be the key to fixing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friends all have DHs 44-48, and they’ve all lost their damn minds. Affairs, mental health crises, lost jobs, wanting to randomly move abroad, alcoholism, you name it and some guy has done it since turning 44/45.

Someone said this is biological and is male menopause. Seriously? If it can be explained that easily, why aren’t we medicating them to the gills the way we do for erectile dysfunction?

I really want to believe this is a biological thing that we can fix so families can be saved. I don’t want to think that most of my friends’ husbands have turned into irrevocable overnight disasters.

DH here: I think it’s generally circumstantial rather than biological, although low T is a meaningful factor for some. That is a stage of life where careers plateau, when you kind of run out of steam work-wise but are looking at needing to grind out another 20 years even so. For many, sex in their marriages has declined to a low ebb. There can be a lack of acknowledgement from one’s spouse about the sacrifices that have been made to provide economically, and many marriages seem to get trapped in the “who has given up more”/lack of affection/mutual recrimination spiral. It’s a time when the reality that you are basically trapped by the results of your prior choices and there is little to be done really bites. Rather than deal with these feelings constructively, some men just crash out instead. Obviously, that’s bad.

But there is no pill for “stuck in job I hate for jerk boss and need to do that for another 20 years to manage college bills.” What most of these men need is to lift weights and read Marcus Aurelius, but not everyone finds that. Religion would help many, too. At root, I think this is not a biological problem, it is a philosophical one. These men don’t need a pill; they need a philosopher or a priest.

Hahaha I am in something of a similar rut. I literally started getting into the classics and ancient history, and reading Seneca and Aurelius. I just added weights at the gym and was telling my wife how much better I feel. We are putting together schedules for the kids and I was saying how it may not be possible to keep that up when the fall starts. Her response was that she would move heaven and earth to make the time to for me to get to the gym. Things aren’t perfect. Not even close. But they’re looking up.

Meanwhile the opposite of that: I’m the OP of this thread and this week DH left us? I think? He had been down for a while and I encouraged him to talk to a doctor and think about a sabbatical from work or maybe a trip or maybe different exercise.

Nope. He has gone to our second house and decided to stay there indefinitely and he “might get an apartment close to work in the fall.” I asked him to come home to spend time with the kids this weekend and he said it would be confusing for them. I was already essentially a single married parent already, but WTF, DH? Who just bails out and holds his balls on a couch 3 hours away when the going gets hard and then has zero conscience about it?

I’m sorry OP but are you blindsided? 6 days ago you were asking about your friends’ husbands… did you feel like something like this was coming?

Totally. Completely. blindsided.

I started this thread because I had just found out that my best friend’s husband had left her for his colleague. I was working through the shock of that which was the last straw after a few similar bombs.

Part of me thinks that the shock of hearing that news somehow gave DH a feeling of finally having permission to bail himself, especially since if it wasn’t for an affair it is somehow not as egregious.

Reeling, shock, stunned…I’m sleepwalking through my days.

On the bright side I lost 7 lbs.

I’m so sorry. But welcome to the blind side. You are part of a cadre of some of the most outstanding, brilliant, can-do women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friends all have DHs 44-48, and they’ve all lost their damn minds. Affairs, mental health crises, lost jobs, wanting to randomly move abroad, alcoholism, you name it and some guy has done it since turning 44/45.

Someone said this is biological and is male menopause. Seriously? If it can be explained that easily, why aren’t we medicating them to the gills the way we do for erectile dysfunction?

I really want to believe this is a biological thing that we can fix so families can be saved. I don’t want to think that most of my friends’ husbands have turned into irrevocable overnight disasters.

DH here: I think it’s generally circumstantial rather than biological, although low T is a meaningful factor for some. That is a stage of life where careers plateau, when you kind of run out of steam work-wise but are looking at needing to grind out another 20 years even so. For many, sex in their marriages has declined to a low ebb. There can be a lack of acknowledgement from one’s spouse about the sacrifices that have been made to provide economically, and many marriages seem to get trapped in the “who has given up more”/lack of affection/mutual recrimination spiral. It’s a time when the reality that you are basically trapped by the results of your prior choices and there is little to be done really bites. Rather than deal with these feelings constructively, some men just crash out instead. Obviously, that’s bad.

But there is no pill for “stuck in job I hate for jerk boss and need to do that for another 20 years to manage college bills.” What most of these men need is to lift weights and read Marcus Aurelius, but not everyone finds that. Religion would help many, too. At root, I think this is not a biological problem, it is a philosophical one. These men don’t need a pill; they need a philosopher or a priest.

Hahaha I am in something of a similar rut. I literally started getting into the classics and ancient history, and reading Seneca and Aurelius. I just added weights at the gym and was telling my wife how much better I feel. We are putting together schedules for the kids and I was saying how it may not be possible to keep that up when the fall starts. Her response was that she would move heaven and earth to make the time to for me to get to the gym. Things aren’t perfect. Not even close. But they’re looking up.

Meanwhile the opposite of that: I’m the OP of this thread and this week DH left us? I think? He had been down for a while and I encouraged him to talk to a doctor and think about a sabbatical from work or maybe a trip or maybe different exercise.

Nope. He has gone to our second house and decided to stay there indefinitely and he “might get an apartment close to work in the fall.” I asked him to come home to spend time with the kids this weekend and he said it would be confusing for them. I was already essentially a single married parent already, but WTF, DH? Who just bails out and holds his balls on a couch 3 hours away when the going gets hard and then has zero conscience about it?

It would be confusing for the kids for him to spend time with them???

Does he plan to exit their lives entirely now???

I’m so sorry OP. I truly feel for you. The older I get the less I have any feelings toward men beyond contempt as I have seen them hurting women and children I care about my whole life and expecting endless forgiveness in return.

I don’t know how we change this patriarchy BS but it seems as the mothers of the boys who grow into male entitlement, we should be the key to fixing it.

💯

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friends all have DHs 44-48, and they’ve all lost their damn minds. Affairs, mental health crises, lost jobs, wanting to randomly move abroad, alcoholism, you name it and some guy has done it since turning 44/45.

Someone said this is biological and is male menopause. Seriously? If it can be explained that easily, why aren’t we medicating them to the gills the way we do for erectile dysfunction?

I really want to believe this is a biological thing that we can fix so families can be saved. I don’t want to think that most of my friends’ husbands have turned into irrevocable overnight disasters.

DH here: I think it’s generally circumstantial rather than biological, although low T is a meaningful factor for some. That is a stage of life where careers plateau, when you kind of run out of steam work-wise but are looking at needing to grind out another 20 years even so. For many, sex in their marriages has declined to a low ebb. There can be a lack of acknowledgement from one’s spouse about the sacrifices that have been made to provide economically, and many marriages seem to get trapped in the “who has given up more”/lack of affection/mutual recrimination spiral. It’s a time when the reality that you are basically trapped by the results of your prior choices and there is little to be done really bites. Rather than deal with these feelings constructively, some men just crash out instead. Obviously, that’s bad.

But there is no pill for “stuck in job I hate for jerk boss and need to do that for another 20 years to manage college bills.” What most of these men need is to lift weights and read Marcus Aurelius, but not everyone finds that. Religion would help many, too. At root, I think this is not a biological problem, it is a philosophical one. These men don’t need a pill; they need a philosopher or a priest.

Hahaha I am in something of a similar rut. I literally started getting into the classics and ancient history, and reading Seneca and Aurelius. I just added weights at the gym and was telling my wife how much better I feel. We are putting together schedules for the kids and I was saying how it may not be possible to keep that up when the fall starts. Her response was that she would move heaven and earth to make the time to for me to get to the gym. Things aren’t perfect. Not even close. But they’re looking up.

Meanwhile the opposite of that: I’m the OP of this thread and this week DH left us? I think? He had been down for a while and I encouraged him to talk to a doctor and think about a sabbatical from work or maybe a trip or maybe different exercise.

Nope. He has gone to our second house and decided to stay there indefinitely and he “might get an apartment close to work in the fall.” I asked him to come home to spend time with the kids this weekend and he said it would be confusing for them. I was already essentially a single married parent already, but WTF, DH? Who just bails out and holds his balls on a couch 3 hours away when the going gets hard and then has zero conscience about it?

It would be confusing for the kids for him to spend time with them???

Does he plan to exit their lives entirely now???

I’m so sorry OP. I truly feel for you. The older I get the less I have any feelings toward men beyond contempt as I have seen them hurting women and children I care about my whole life and expecting endless forgiveness in return.

I don’t know how we change this patriarchy BS but it seems as the mothers of the boys who grow into male entitlement, we should be the key to fixing it.

You post here a lot.

You hate men. We get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friends all have DHs 44-48, and they’ve all lost their damn minds. Affairs, mental health crises, lost jobs, wanting to randomly move abroad, alcoholism, you name it and some guy has done it since turning 44/45.

Someone said this is biological and is male menopause. Seriously? If it can be explained that easily, why aren’t we medicating them to the gills the way we do for erectile dysfunction?

I really want to believe this is a biological thing that we can fix so families can be saved. I don’t want to think that most of my friends’ husbands have turned into irrevocable overnight disasters.

DH here: I think it’s generally circumstantial rather than biological, although low T is a meaningful factor for some. That is a stage of life where careers plateau, when you kind of run out of steam work-wise but are looking at needing to grind out another 20 years even so. For many, sex in their marriages has declined to a low ebb. There can be a lack of acknowledgement from one’s spouse about the sacrifices that have been made to provide economically, and many marriages seem to get trapped in the “who has given up more”/lack of affection/mutual recrimination spiral. It’s a time when the reality that you are basically trapped by the results of your prior choices and there is little to be done really bites. Rather than deal with these feelings constructively, some men just crash out instead. Obviously, that’s bad.

But there is no pill for “stuck in job I hate for jerk boss and need to do that for another 20 years to manage college bills.” What most of these men need is to lift weights and read Marcus Aurelius, but not everyone finds that. Religion would help many, too. At root, I think this is not a biological problem, it is a philosophical one. These men don’t need a pill; they need a philosopher or a priest.

Hahaha I am in something of a similar rut. I literally started getting into the classics and ancient history, and reading Seneca and Aurelius. I just added weights at the gym and was telling my wife how much better I feel. We are putting together schedules for the kids and I was saying how it may not be possible to keep that up when the fall starts. Her response was that she would move heaven and earth to make the time to for me to get to the gym. Things aren’t perfect. Not even close. But they’re looking up.

Meanwhile the opposite of that: I’m the OP of this thread and this week DH left us? I think? He had been down for a while and I encouraged him to talk to a doctor and think about a sabbatical from work or maybe a trip or maybe different exercise.

Nope. He has gone to our second house and decided to stay there indefinitely and he “might get an apartment close to work in the fall.” I asked him to come home to spend time with the kids this weekend and he said it would be confusing for them. I was already essentially a single married parent already, but WTF, DH? Who just bails out and holds his balls on a couch 3 hours away when the going gets hard and then has zero conscience about it?

It would be confusing for the kids for him to spend time with them???

Does he plan to exit their lives entirely now???

I’m so sorry OP. I truly feel for you. The older I get the less I have any feelings toward men beyond contempt as I have seen them hurting women and children I care about my whole life and expecting endless forgiveness in return.

I don’t know how we change this patriarchy BS but it seems as the mothers of the boys who grow into male entitlement, we should be the key to fixing it.

No idea what he’s planning to do. He keeps saying things like “I love my kids.” It has only been a week but I have been very careful to put in writing opportunities for him to be with the kids in or out of the house. I don’t understand his endgame with the kids. I think he wants to feel like a good dad and be seen as a good dad but is overwhelmed by the work it takes to be a good dad and/or doesn’t believe that dads have to do anything more than exist. I’m not being critical or exaggerating- he doesn’t seem to feel this as a loss but as a rational and acceptable reaction to feeling bored.

[Anonymous]

Question: for the men who behave this way (grumpy, hostile, leaving, personality change, etc) how many are moderate to heavy drinkers? Wondering if there is a correlation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question: for the men who behave this way (grumpy, hostile, leaving, personality change, etc) how many are moderate to heavy drinkers? Wondering if there is a correlation.

NP. Not sure statistically but mine is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question: for the men who behave this way (grumpy, hostile, leaving, personality change, etc) how many are moderate to heavy drinkers? Wondering if there is a correlation.

Mine doesn’t drink at all. He does take adhd medication. It makes him more grumpy and hostile but more functional, so I don’t know how to decide between the tradeoffs. Not that I have a choice.

I do think there are a lot of varieties of self-medication or actual medication going on and a lot of hormone imbalances, dopamine deficiencies, and depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question: for the men who behave this way (grumpy, hostile, leaving, personality change, etc) how many are moderate to heavy drinkers? Wondering if there is a correlation.

I actually think there is another culprit — consumption of internet porn. This is not talked about very much openly and hasn’t even been mentioned at all in this thread but it is a very real issue.

I know this first hand as I was completely consumed by porn up until 2 years ago. And it fostered all of the traits being described in these posts. I had tons of resentment towards my wife because we weren’t having the type of sex that I was watching in porn (even though it was completely unrealistic and abusive in many instances because the women and men working in the industry come from broken backgrounds). Because I would stay up late at night watching porn, I wasn’t sleeping well and would be irritated in the morning. I would have porn “hangovers” that were just as nasty as anything I have seen with booze. There would also be times when my wife would ask me to do various things and I was in the middle of a porn binge and I would react in an awful way because I would rather watch porn than do whatever she was asking me to do. On top of all of that, I felt incredible shame and horror at what I was doing. I wanted to stop and tried stopping but nothing seemed to work. That only made me feel worse about myself and sent me into further spirals of despair, shame, and depression — none of which resulted in me treating my wife well.

Thankfully, I pulled out of it due to religion. It was the most unexpected development in my life. I thought I was locked in a prison and now I have freedom. My posture in my marriage has changed completely. I now eagerly try to find ways to serve my wife. I no longer harbor resentment towards my wife. I have developed realistic expectations towards sex. I don’t use other people as sexual objects for my own selfish gratification. I get a good nights rest and I don’t have horrible porn hangovers anymore. And I no longer loathe myself which has resulted in renewed self-esteem, self-respect, and confidence. My wife has noticed all of these things too.

To the person who posted and said that her husband left and is now hanging out at their second house — I can almost guarantee you he is watching porn there. Probably lots of it. He isn’t sitting around being a monk and contemplative about life. If he was, he wouldn’t be treating you this way.

We have conducted a massive social experiment over the last 25 years around porn — unfiltered access to the most hardcore porn imaginable. I feel like the results have completely messed up an entire generation of men. I feel so fortunate that I found a way out, but many men are suffering in silence and killing their marriages in the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question: for the men who behave this way (grumpy, hostile, leaving, personality change, etc) how many are moderate to heavy drinkers? Wondering if there is a correlation.

I actually think there is another culprit — consumption of internet porn. This is not talked about very much openly and hasn’t even been mentioned at all in this thread but it is a very real issue.

I know this first hand as I was completely consumed by porn up until 2 years ago. And it fostered all of the traits being described in these posts. I had tons of resentment towards my wife because we weren’t having the type of sex that I was watching in porn (even though it was completely unrealistic and abusive in many instances because the women and men working in the industry come from broken backgrounds). Because I would stay up late at night watching porn, I wasn’t sleeping well and would be irritated in the morning. I would have porn “hangovers” that were just as nasty as anything I have seen with booze. There would also be times when my wife would ask me to do various things and I was in the middle of a porn binge and I would react in an awful way because I would rather watch porn than do whatever she was asking me to do. On top of all of that, I felt incredible shame and horror at what I was doing. I wanted to stop and tried stopping but nothing seemed to work. That only made me feel worse about myself and sent me into further spirals of despair, shame, and depression — none of which resulted in me treating my wife well.

Thankfully, I pulled out of it due to religion. It was the most unexpected development in my life. I thought I was locked in a prison and now I have freedom. My posture in my marriage has changed completely. I now eagerly try to find ways to serve my wife. I no longer harbor resentment towards my wife. I have developed realistic expectations towards sex. I don’t use other people as sexual objects for my own selfish gratification. I get a good nights rest and I don’t have horrible porn hangovers anymore. And I no longer loathe myself which has resulted in renewed self-esteem, self-respect, and confidence. My wife has noticed all of these things too.

To the person who posted and said that her husband left and is now hanging out at their second house — I can almost guarantee you he is watching porn there. Probably lots of it. He isn’t sitting around being a monk and contemplative about life. If he was, he wouldn’t be treating you this way.

We have conducted a massive social experiment over the last 25 years around porn — unfiltered access to the most hardcore porn imaginable. I feel like the results have completely messed up an entire generation of men. I feel so fortunate that I found a way out, but many men are suffering in silence and killing their marriages in the process.

Absolutely. My husband’s porn habit killed our marriage. It makes men so entitled to something they could never have and disconnected from their spouses. And it made me so repelled by him. It’s not just hurtful, it’s really unattractive. I can’t look at him the same way.