DH is wild

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he's an overgrown boy with no sense of responsibility and a thinning sense of basic decency? Nah, this shit isn't cute after, like, 25, tops.

If you don't have kids, don't have kids. He's still very much a child himself. If you do, yikes. Honestly? I'd divorce him. Ignore the nutters who will say it's your fault for being a "wallflower" or whatever other nonsense. Needing to pass out on someone else's couch is a college thing. If you're still doing that as an adult, more than maybe once every 3-4 years, you either have a substance use problem or just feel a sense of entitlement that doesn't fit with being a partner. Not a good look either way.

He can go out for his birthday, get white boy wasted and crash with his bestie (and that way, it's not a surprise to you). Anything more than that is indulgent to the point of ridiculousness, and if he's not willing to dial it back, well, there's the problem.

People should marry someone who agrees on the exact number of times one may get "white boy wasted" per year, and the appropriate occasions for doing so, while remaining short of ridiculousness. Your number is one, on a birthday. OPs seems to be a couple times a year. For others it will be zero.

Yeah it’s zero here. No way I’m accepting my spouse getting wasted once a year, let alone passing out somewhere randomly and thinking I should be fine with it. That wasn’t cute at 21 and certainly isn’t cute a decade later.

[Anonymous]

How old are you?

This sounds to me like you are both very young, or perhaps older and making choices that are not in your best interest (settling, which doesn't sound kind but I am trying to be honest).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are the friends he hangs out with? Is it always the same group of people? Or given his “ability” to make new friends, always a different crowd that is much younger than him?

It’s always the same friends. They are old friends he’s had for a long time, who are his “party friends”. All of them are immature and I spend little time with them. As opposed to his more mature friends who I socialize with every couple of weeks.

Well OP as an ER doc I’ll chime in that people who have “party friends” over the age of 35 aren’t just drinking anymore. This is where you start seeing pills, coke, and weed enter the chat along with the standard alcohol and copious poor choices that usually involve driving, other women/men, and injuries. It’s so sad at a certain point; these folks are always running from something. Sometimes it’s just responsibility. But there is no good endpoint to this behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you plan to have kids the two of you are going to struggle hard.

My thoughts exactly.

Please OP. Heed this advice! You will be a single parent, either divorced or married, but the kids will be on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH of one year is a wild man. I knew this when I met him. We dated for 2.5 years then got married. Most days I am on cloud 9 with DH. But he does have a wild side that rubs me the wrong way. I try to take him as he is, but it can sometimes be hard.

For example, he is very extroverted. People love him and he makes friends everywhere he goes. When we are apart he might say he’s going to do something that takes an hour then doesn’t come back for 4 hours because along the way he made a million friends.

He also likes to party like he’s 21. I’m shy and don’t enjoy it so he goes with friends without me sometimes. He will party super hard then crash on his friends couch and not come home until the next day. This happens a couple of times a year.

If you love a wild man/woman what helps you to not get frustrated with their wild side?

[Anonymous]

My DH used to stay out late when he would go out with his friends, and so he turned on his location tracking so I would know where he was if I woke up. We then had a conversation about how nothing really good happens after midnight so he now comes home before then. I think some men have a hard time realizing that their drinking habits need to change as they get older when their friends also still drink like they are in college. He now knows that I don't believe in drinking that way, and he has adjusted accordingly.

My brother-in-law sounds a lot like your DH: ADHD, huge extrovert, but he was also constantly pursued by women and really took advantage of that situation. That all began to change once he met his wife, who is much more introverted and staid in her socializing, and it completely changed once they had their DD. He now doesn't drink.

I do think it is very possible for men to change, but it has to be a change they are willing to make for the sake of their partner and marriage. It takes self-reflection to realize why they are drinking so heavily and admitting that they are hurting someone they love through their actions. If your DH is able to do that on his own or with the help of a counselor, I think you can have a strong relationship, and this is just the first of many adjustments you and he will make throughout your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't describe that as "wild" on its own. Can you provide more examples?

OP here. It’s just that he generally has a go with the flow live in the moment attitude. He also has ADHD which I assume contributes. He’s also very stubborn and generally feels entitled to do as he pleases often.

I think not coming home after going out is a problem. We are married. I don’t mind that he has fun, but he shouldn’t over do things to the point that he’s not coming home until the next morning and not calling.

He has a drinking problem.

[Anonymous]

+1 Drinking problem.

[Anonymous]

He is THIRTY SEVEN?!

My God, OP, you are in for a world of hurt.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like real frat bro behavior OP.
Was he in a frat?
In sales?
Southern?
Do you have family nearby?
Low self-esteem?
This does not sound like a happy life for you. Maybe get counseling for yourself then bring him.
Are either or both of your parents divorced?
Did you grow up poor?
Do you work?
Do you see yourself hanging around if he continues this behavior?

[Anonymous]

Oh honey. Don’t have kids with him. Please.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Today DH came to me and apologized for upsetting me. He told me he thinks he has a drinking problem. I am processing and figuring out how to move forward. I would like to thank everyone who chimed in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey. Don’t have kids with him. Please.

+1. As someone with ADHD, kids really pushed me over the edge. If he’s got addiction and ADHD, kids will ruin your lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Today DH came to me and apologized for upsetting me. He told me he thinks he has a drinking problem. I am processing and figuring out how to move forward. I would like to thank everyone who chimed in.

That is HUGE that he admitted this to you! AA literally saved my life. If he knows anyone in AA I recommend he call them. Someone will take him to a meeting. If he doesn't know anyone who is sober, he can just go to a meeting. It's slightly terrifying to put your hand up and announce to a room of strangers that you're on Day 1 without alcohol (or whatever day) but he will not go through this alone. You should check out Al-Anon. Like it or not alcoholism affects everyone in the family. You need help as well. I wish you both the best. I have heard so many men (in particular) share stories that are very similar to your dh's. Please keep us updated!