Sometimes I Don’t Let My Black Sons Have Too Much Fun in Public

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been sitting with something that’s hard to say out loud—especially in parenting spaces where freedom, joy, and childhood expression are the default assumptions. But here it is:

I don’t always let my sons—two energetic, curious, Black boys—have “too much” fun in public.

Not because I don’t want them to. Not because I don’t love their energy. But because I know the world doesn’t always see their joy for what it is.

The same noise, silliness, or boundary-testing that might be brushed off—or even celebrated—as “boys being boys” when it comes from white kids can easily be seen as disruption, aggression, or lack of control when it comes from Black boys. That shift happens quickly and often quietly, but it’s there. And it’s dangerous.

So yes, I find myself asking my boys to tone it down. Lower your voice. Keep your body still. Don’t draw attention. And it’s not because they’re doing anything wrong. It’s because I’m calculating what others might see, and what assumptions might follow.

I’ve developed an internal rule of thumb:

Keep their register—of noise, movement, presence—below that of the median white boy in the room.

Not because I think the white boy is especially privileged. But because Black boys are simply held to a harsher standard. That white boy isn’t getting special treatment—he’s being treated as the norm. My sons aren’t. That’s the difference.

Now, my wife and others sometimes look at me sideways when I do this. They emphasize healthy expression, emotional awareness, conflict resolution. And I believe in that too. But my instinct kicks in before the conflict. Before the escalation. Before the judgment. I’m not trying to stifle my kids—I’m trying to shield them from a reality that sees their exuberance as a problem.

I don’t like parenting this way. It’s not aspirational. But it feels necessary.

And I wonder if anyone else out there has felt this too—this pressure to preempt, to pull back, to keep your child from being fully themselves in public, not because of what they are doing, but because of how the world might see them.

If so, you’re not alone.

Welcome to how every girl of every color has been parented for eternity. So do you think because your children have a penis they are special or should the white boys tone it down - I'd argue for the latter.

Here it is: child-hate. All kids should be given space to be themselves in moderation. Heck, all people should be given space to be themselves in moderation. But they’re not, so some people become self-conscious, and other people are considered jerks for not being self-conscious.

The US has a lot of social aggression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parenting skills have failed you OP. I’m black and don’t feel this way at all. My husband is white though and raised my boys to fear him from before they could talk. I wasn’t raised like that but it really does work, as our kids never get stared at like yours and I almost never have to speak to my children about their behavior. If I do it’s something like do you want me to tell your father about this when we get home? That straightens them out pretty quickly, even though he at worst raises his voice. They haven’t been spanked or anything since they were about 3. It’s definitely a cultural or parenting issue and not a black issue because our kids are darker skinned.

OP here:
Your reading skills really missed the mark. As I already said, I’ve never witnessed my kids being scrutinized more than others. That’s precisely why I framed it as a fear—not a confirmed reality, but a concern I carry nonetheless. And I think that fear is legitimate, given how perception often works in this world.

My wife is actually far less concerned about this than I am. But that probably has something to do with how I grew up. As a Black male—unlike your husband—I don’t have the luxury of assuming that people will always judge my sons fairly. That’s where this comes from. But sure, keep missing the point.

I’m not missing the mark, You are concerned about the side eye, you stated people judge you for disciplining your kids in public. I’m black I don’t fear for my black children, I also don’t get any side eye because I don’t have to discipline them in public. This is a you problem, probably a result of your parenting skills.

Congrats on internalizing your racism so that your children fear your abuse more than racist strangers. Your parents must be so proud.

Nobody is abusing my child, they behave because they were taught to behave. They are loved and respected AND they behave. I realize you ain’t used to black kids behaving but mine do cause they was raised by a white man.

I don’t believe a black woman wrote this. Not for a minute.

+1
Wonder if that person was raised by her black dad ..

[Anonymous]

I agree with you and actually do the same with my white sons. One has trouble regulating so I tell him he needs to be at the median of the other boys. It's hard with boys, but I'm sure even harder with AA boys.

[Anonymous]

I understand exactly what you're saying, and my kids are white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you're a black man. I'm a white woman, and I want to validate your perspective.

I don't like boisterous rambunctious boys (or kids) in public and kind of encourage my son to act like you do yours. But for different reasons. I fully acknowledge your reasons, and I agree with you that this is real and true. I'm really sorry that's the case and I don't fully know what it's like.

I also think that had you posted this on DCUM two years ago you would have gotten more support. It's been kind of taken over my MAGAs and MAGA-lites, so, don't take these responses as the whole truth.

As the parent of a child with invisible special needs, the bolded statement is so triggering. I’m constantly working to get my kid close to the average, energy-wise. Parenting books, parent coaching, parenting classes, IEP, expensive therapies, etc. I’m not allowing my child to be more energetic because I don’t care. My child is more energetic despite years of attempting to bring him into the norm.

[Anonymous]

Jesus - all this father is saying is that he feels like his kids will be judged more harshly because they are black. Is this really something that (many of) you feel compelled to argue about?

[Anonymous]

I did not read the entire thread whoever I have seen African-American boys treated differently than their white counterparts I am white as as my son. I remember in early elementary school there was a little African-American boy who was a little taller and bigger than the rest and he was always in trouble. When I asked my son about that boy because I always saw him being sent to the office or whatever (this is kindergarten and first grade, so really really young) my son would say oh so so it's just really bad he's always in trouble.
Well, that little boy was on my son's soccer team, and he always seemed well behaved to me. A couple of times his mother would ask me to watch him if she had to leave the soccer game early and she would come by our house to pick him up and again that boy was extremely well-behaved. I never saw any behavior issues with him. He played nicely with my son until his mother picked him up. So I think he was targeted because he was 1) African-American and 2) he was just a big kid so they felt like he should be acting more mature or something.

My eyes were opened. This is 21 years ago, but I still remember it.

[Anonymous]

I kind of hope the OP isn't checking back in, because some of you are shockingly terrible people.

If you are, OP, I remember hearing this after the Michael Brown/ Eric Garner murders. Black parents genuinely afraid that their black sons would be hurt or killed for things that would get a white kid scolded, maybe. It was a learning moment for me, and I've never forgotten it. I also read something about a black man who wanted to go jogging in his suburban neighborhood. But people kept calling the cops on him. So he got a small white dog with great stamina. Like magic, he was perceived as harmless, because scary black men don't run with fluffy little dogs.

These calculations have always come naturally to women. Don't walk there, don't take that bus, don't make a scene, don't be rude to the drunk man. All the little acts of camouflage that we aren't even fully aware of.

No summary, no lesson. But I see you. I hope you see me and my daughter as well.

[Anonymous]

My kids are mixed and we operate the same way for both our son and our daughter. Honestly to some degree it’s also for their safety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been sitting with something that’s hard to say out loud—especially in parenting spaces where freedom, joy, and childhood expression are the default assumptions. But here it is:

I don’t always let my sons—two energetic, curious, Black boys—have “too much” fun in public.

Not because I don’t want them to. Not because I don’t love their energy. But because I know the world doesn’t always see their joy for what it is.

The same noise, silliness, or boundary-testing that might be brushed off—or even celebrated—as “boys being boys” when it comes from white kids can easily be seen as disruption, aggression, or lack of control when it comes from Black boys. That shift happens quickly and often quietly, but it’s there. And it’s dangerous.

So yes, I find myself asking my boys to tone it down. Lower your voice. Keep your body still. Don’t draw attention. And it’s not because they’re doing anything wrong. It’s because I’m calculating what others might see, and what assumptions might follow.

I’ve developed an internal rule of thumb:

Keep their register—of noise, movement, presence—below that of the median white boy in the room.

Not because I think the white boy is especially privileged. But because Black boys are simply held to a harsher standard. That white boy isn’t getting special treatment—he’s being treated as the norm. My sons aren’t. That’s the difference.

Now, my wife and others sometimes look at me sideways when I do this. They emphasize healthy expression, emotional awareness, conflict resolution. And I believe in that too. But my instinct kicks in before the conflict. Before the escalation. Before the judgment. I’m not trying to stifle my kids—I’m trying to shield them from a reality that sees their exuberance as a problem.

I don’t like parenting this way. It’s not aspirational. But it feels necessary.

And I wonder if anyone else out there has felt this too—this pressure to preempt, to pull back, to keep your child from being fully themselves in public, not because of what they are doing, but because of how the world might see them.

If so, you’re not alone.

Welcome to how every girl of every color has been parented for eternity. So do you think because your children have a penis they are special or should the white boys tone it down - I'd argue for the latter.

Here it is: child-hate. All kids should be given space to be themselves in moderation. Heck, all people should be given space to be themselves in moderation. But they’re not, so some people become self-conscious, and other people are considered jerks for not being self-conscious.

The US has a lot of social aggression.

Teaching kids to behave regardless of race is good parenting. I will not let mine act up in pubic. When they were 2-3, they struggled a bit and I didn't bring them out. They don't need to annoy others. They learned very quickly if you misbehave, we leave the store/restaurant and there are consequences at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you're a black man. I'm a white woman, and I want to validate your perspective.

I don't like boisterous rambunctious boys (or kids) in public and kind of encourage my son to act like you do yours. But for different reasons. I fully acknowledge your reasons, and I agree with you that this is real and true. I'm really sorry that's the case and I don't fully know what it's like.

I also think that had you posted this on DCUM two years ago you would have gotten more support. It's been kind of taken over my MAGAs and MAGA-lites, so, don't take these responses as the whole truth.

As the parent of a child with invisible special needs, the bolded statement is so triggering. I’m constantly working to get my kid close to the average, energy-wise. Parenting books, parent coaching, parenting classes, IEP, expensive therapies, etc. I’m not allowing my child to be more energetic because I don’t care. My child is more energetic despite years of attempting to bring him into the norm.

There is a balance. My kid had SN and we had to heavily work on behavior but when they acted up we left and put a lot of focus on it. They learned quickly when we stopped for a time of going out with them.

[Anonymous]

My boys are white, but if they were black then I too would work hard to distance them from the bad stereotypes.

For what it’s worth I don’t let my boys look or act like the negative white stereotypes either. But I acknowledge that those stereotypes won’t get them in trouble with the law as quickly.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry.

Yes, there is a difference. A white mom reminded the white moms in our group that we needed to tell our MS kids they shouldn’t run if they saw a police officer when they were with black friends because they wouldn’t get the same treatment. They hung out at the school at night. It really stayed with me.

[Anonymous]

This ^^ was many years ago, and sadly seems even more relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are mixed and we operate the same way for both our son and our daughter. Honestly to some degree it’s also for their safety.

+1. My 6'2 son especially. Not sure op thought he would get support here.