Reply to Sometimes I Don’t Let My Black Sons Have Too Much Fun in Public

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’ve been sitting with something that’s hard to say out loud—especially in parenting spaces where freedom, joy, and childhood expression are the default assumptions. But here it is:

I don’t always let my sons—two energetic, curious, Black boys—have “too much” fun in public.

Not because I don’t want them to. Not because I don’t love their energy. But because I know the world doesn’t always see their joy for what it is.

The same noise, silliness, or boundary-testing that might be brushed off—or even celebrated—as “boys being boys” when it comes from white kids can easily be seen as disruption, aggression, or lack of control when it comes from Black boys. That shift happens quickly and often quietly, but it’s there. And it’s dangerous.

So yes, I find myself asking my boys to tone it down. Lower your voice. Keep your body still. Don’t draw attention. And it’s not because they’re doing anything wrong. It’s because I’m calculating what others might see, and what assumptions might follow.

I’ve developed an internal rule of thumb:

Keep their register—of noise, movement, presence—below that of the median white boy in the room.

Not because I think the white boy is especially privileged. But because Black boys are simply held to a harsher standard. That white boy isn’t getting special treatment—he’s being treated as the norm. My sons aren’t. That’s the difference.

Now, my wife and others sometimes look at me sideways when I do this. They emphasize healthy expression, emotional awareness, conflict resolution. And I believe in that too. But my instinct kicks in before the conflict. Before the escalation. Before the judgment. I’m not trying to stifle my kids—I’m trying to shield them from a reality that sees their exuberance as a problem.

I don’t like parenting this way. It’s not aspirational. But it feels necessary.

And I wonder if anyone else out there has felt this too—this pressure to preempt, to pull back, to keep your child from being fully themselves in public, not because of what they are doing, but because of how the world might see them.

If so, you’re not alone.
[/quote]

Welcome to how every girl of every color has been parented for eternity.  So do you think because your children have a penis they are special or should the white boys tone it down - I'd argue for the latter.[/quote]

Here it is: child-hate. All kids should be given space to be themselves in moderation. Heck, all people should be given space to be themselves in moderation. But they’re not, so some people become self-conscious, and other people are considered jerks for not being self-conscious.

The US has a lot of social aggression. [/quote]

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