Nice parents with A-hole kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The parents really aren’t that nice behind closed doors. Kids who are truly a-holes learn that at home first.

Only one way for you to “know” this.

By spending enough time with the parents over many years that I’ve heard several comments slip out of their mouth when their guards were down. The more
you get to know people…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know.

The fear of your reaction will make most people not tell you. I wouldn't. Most parents will defensively and instinctively push back and stand up for their kid.

I don’t know, a year or two ago one of my kids did something quite nasty to another kid whose mom told me. We had some serious conversations with the kid, kid felt ashamed and apologized (sincerely as far as I could tell), we continue to talk about how we treat other people, and now those two kids are friendly if not close. I appreciated being told because it meant that I could help my child improve their behavior. They’re learning and growing, they will do stupid and thoughtless things, it’s the parents’ job to help them grow up well, and is easier to do that if you have more context!

If this is true, you are a unicorn.

Most parents think they are unicorns, but aren't.

Well, I was pretty upset! How could my child do such a thing, where did I go wrong as a parent, surely the other kid was partially wrong too…but at the end of the day it was objectively inappropriate behavior no matter the provocation. I think I would have been a lot more defensive if it had seemed like my kid did it to upset the other kid as opposed to trying to seem funny/cool to third parties (although of course it’s just as hurtful either way) because “my kid is being thoughtless” is an easier pill to swallow than “my kid is being mean on purpose,” but I hope that I’d pull myself together either way and deal with my child.

I had a kid that was completely, and unjustifiably, mean on purpose, in a consistent pattern, and I raked her over the coals for it when I found out. She's behaving much better now, and is friends with the people she'd been mean to. But I needed to find out. If someone hadn't told me, I wouldn't have known.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the child has mental health issues and they are struggling to help and keep their family together through it

[Anonymous]

I am surprised by these answers. I have teens and have known the same families for several yrs. All lovely parents I’m friends with, and the kids range a lot from near perfect to terrors. I really don’t fault the parents. The ones with the worst kids seems to be doing their best to parent a difficult child/teen. What I have noticed is the worst behaved kids that cause a lot of trouble tend to find like-minded kids in school to have as friends. Thus the bad behavior and new learned worse behaviors continue on. Peers make a HUGE difference. Kids have their own personalities and tendencies, regardless of the parents. While parents can set examples and impose consequences and incentives- they can’t turn a shark into a minnow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen some super-nice parents that were basically too nice and didn’t discipline their kids and ended up with little terrors. It definitely happens.

THIS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The parents really aren’t that nice behind closed doors. Kids who are truly a-holes learn that at home first.

Only one way for you to “know” this.

By spending enough time with the parents over many years that I’ve heard several comments slip out of their mouth when their guards were down. The more
you get to know people…

This x 1000. I've been shocked at times. Especially when drinks are had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The parents really aren’t that nice behind closed doors. Kids who are truly a-holes learn that at home first.

Agree 100%. The parents who act nice but do things like cut the carpool line are not actually nice and are raising their kids to be entitled jerks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t hang out with them. Say hello and keep walking.

This is so horrible. I went through a period where I was struggling with my DC. Know what made it even more hellish? Being iced out and avoided by the entire community. It was a really traumatic time in my life (kids ended up having multiple disabilities) and the community basically blaming me for the way my kid was wired put it over the edge. You can engage with the parents without involving their children, especially at this age.

Your kid with “disabilities” makes everyone miserable. When my kid comes home with yet another story about their classroom being evacuated because your kid threw a violent tantrum…honestly you are lucky the other parents DONT talk to you. I have some choice words for the parents of these little monsters but I just keep it moving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The parents really aren’t that nice behind closed doors. Kids who are truly a-holes learn that at home first.

Agree 100%. The parents who act nice but do things like cut the carpool line are not actually nice and are raising their kids to be entitled jerks.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t hang out with them. Say hello and keep walking.

This is so horrible. I went through a period where I was struggling with my DC. Know what made it even more hellish? Being iced out and avoided by the entire community. It was a really traumatic time in my life (kids ended up having multiple disabilities) and the community basically blaming me for the way my kid was wired put it over the edge. You can engage with the parents without involving their children, especially at this age.

Your kid with “disabilities” makes everyone miserable. When my kid comes home with yet another story about their classroom being evacuated because your kid threw a violent tantrum…honestly you are lucky the other parents DONT talk to you. I have some choice words for the parents of these little monsters but I just keep it moving.

+1 parent your child, with or without disabilities. No excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t hang out with them. Say hello and keep walking.

This is so horrible. I went through a period where I was struggling with my DC. Know what made it even more hellish? Being iced out and avoided by the entire community. It was a really traumatic time in my life (kids ended up having multiple disabilities) and the community basically blaming me for the way my kid was wired put it over the edge. You can engage with the parents without involving their children, especially at this age.

Your kid with “disabilities” makes everyone miserable. When my kid comes home with yet another story about their classroom being evacuated because your kid threw a violent tantrum…honestly you are lucky the other parents DONT talk to you. I have some choice words for the parents of these little monsters but I just keep it moving.

+1 parent your child, with or without disabilities. No excuses.

+ 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t hang out with them. Say hello and keep walking.

This is so horrible. I went through a period where I was struggling with my DC. Know what made it even more hellish? Being iced out and avoided by the entire community. It was a really traumatic time in my life (kids ended up having multiple disabilities) and the community basically blaming me for the way my kid was wired put it over the edge. You can engage with the parents without involving their children, especially at this age.

Your kid with “disabilities” makes everyone miserable. When my kid comes home with yet another story about their classroom being evacuated because your kid threw a violent tantrum…honestly you are lucky the other parents DONT talk to you. I have some choice words for the parents of these little monsters but I just keep it moving.

+1 parent your child, with or without disabilities. No excuses.

hate has no home, except for the disabled?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t hang out with them. Say hello and keep walking.

This is so horrible. I went through a period where I was struggling with my DC. Know what made it even more hellish? Being iced out and avoided by the entire community. It was a really traumatic time in my life (kids ended up having multiple disabilities) and the community basically blaming me for the way my kid was wired put it over the edge. You can engage with the parents without involving their children, especially at this age.

Your kid with “disabilities” makes everyone miserable. When my kid comes home with yet another story about their classroom being evacuated because your kid threw a violent tantrum…honestly you are lucky the other parents DONT talk to you. I have some choice words for the parents of these little monsters but I just keep it moving.

+1 parent your child, with or without disabilities. No excuses.

hate has no home, except for the disabled?

This has nothing to do with hate. Do not expect others to do your job. If you want to be liked be likable. Kids are actually very inclusive if they see a nice person struggling.

[Anonymous]

This has nothing to do with hate. Do not expect others to do your job. If you want to be liked be likable. Kids are actually very inclusive if they see a nice person struggling.



Agreed. My youngest has multiple disabilities but the other children are very nice to him, even though he is hard to understand and also does not really understand the other kids' games. His teacher assures me he has not had any behavior incidents except one time he responded in a snotty way to his teacher's question and had to spend the recess walking laps. That was months ago and we think he has learned his lesson -he was mortified. He does also get positive support from the school counselor, which I am grateful for. If he started to develop disruptive behaviors, I would hope that they would escalate the consequences and remove him from the classroom environment as necessary. I have two well-behaved/high achieving older children, and I would not want their education to be disrupted either.

To the point about nice parents with a-hole kids- I have seen a lot of nice parents with little terrors, but usually the little terrors become nice teenagers at least. I would not personally want to put up with kids like that for 15 years, but I have stopped judging, since I have seen so many of my nicest (but permissive parenting) friends end up with nice high schoolers/college students. Meanwhile, I have kind of anxious, socially awkward kids - maybe I should have been less strict, but also I am anxious and socially awkward, so it's probably to be expected.

[Anonymous]

I’m a teacher and I really hate when parents of kids with disabilities who are mean/poorly behaved try to act like that’s just all kids with disabilities. It is NOT. There are many kids I’ve taught who are sweet, well behaved, get along with others, try hard, and have disabilities. Disabilities do not atomically make you mean, sneaky, self-centered, rude, or ill behaved - that’s a function of personality you need to own up to.