Nice parents with A-hole kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say something if it's drinking, fighting, skipping class, or cheating. Most parents would want to know and most will also do something about those things.

What I find trickier (and what I won't tell another parent about because I fear the response) are the kids who are just mean and engage in non-violent bullying. I think often the parents DO know about this behavior. Maybe they think it's normal? Maybe it's hard for them to recognize it as bad in their own kids? I'm not sure. I've met lovely, polite people whose kids I know to do things like tease other children for their weight or appearance, ostracize kids for being lower SES, or openly criticize or compare kids who struggle academically. It's classic bullying behavior, but it goes unchecked even among involved, seemingly kind and empathetic parents.

Maybe those people are different at home. Maybe at home they, too, are cracking jokes about the kids who aren't fast tracked in math or how some heavy kid needs to lay off the donuts.

I sometimes cannot believe the things I hear come out of these kids' mouths. My poor child winds up getting a lecture to remind her not to behave that way because it pisses me off so much.

8:38 PP here. I used to think that way too. The thing is, there is no gentle way telling a parent that their child is acting horribly. The parent who asked me for proof, got so defensive and started listing all the amazing extracurricular achievements their child has (I wish I was kidding) and that it would be impossible for that type of “character” to behave badly towards others (physical harm in this case).

You never really know what is going on behind the scenes at home, so I find it better not to say anything and simply stay away. If the parents are aware they are either doing their best to stop the behavior, or just refuse to believe that there is an issue. Even if they act on what you tell them, your relationship is over. You can as well distance yourself before getting involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen some super-nice parents that were basically too nice and didn’t discipline their kids and ended up with little terrors. It definitely happens.

I've known some of these too (but the kids are younger). In some cases it's not exactly "too nice." They have a disicpline philosophy that involves never holding their kids to account. They step in between consequences from other adults (ex: teachers) and their kids. Their little angel - who isn't an angel at home and engages in bad behavior in front of them as well - couldn't possibly be as at fault as that mean teacher/coach/authority figure.

I'm convinced at least one of these kids is going to end up a psychopath.

[Anonymous]

I’m dealing with this right now. I’ve been skipping school events and have ghosted my book club of moms and friends because a group of boys have been relentlessly bullying/harassing my DD this year. I know the moms are wondering why I’m not showing up, but we’re also not close enough friends that I feel comfortable explaining. And I don’t know what version of the events their boys or school have shared, which makes it more awkward.

I’m sad to not see them any more, because they are smart, interesting women. But their boys are little jerks, and I can’t figure out how to bridge that gap.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s fine to do this as long as you are prepared to hear some things about your child in return. The reality is that none of us really know how our kids act all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen some super-nice parents that were basically too nice and didn’t discipline their kids and ended up with little terrors. It definitely happens.

There is a big push now for "no consequences" parenting. I think it is a disaster for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m dealing with this right now. I’ve been skipping school events and have ghosted my book club of moms and friends because a group of boys have been relentlessly bullying/harassing my DD this year. I know the moms are wondering why I’m not showing up, but we’re also not close enough friends that I feel comfortable explaining. And I don’t know what version of the events their boys or school have shared, which makes it more awkward.

I’m sad to not see them any more, because they are smart, interesting women. But their boys are little jerks, and I can’t figure out how to bridge that gap.

They are separate people from their children. You should be able have a relationship with adult women that is separate from your daughter and their children’s dynamic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t hang out with them. Say hello and keep walking.

This is so horrible. I went through a period where I was struggling with my DC. Know what made it even more hellish? Being iced out and avoided by the entire community. It was a really traumatic time in my life (kids ended up having multiple disabilities) and the community basically blaming me for the way my kid was wired put it over the edge. You can engage with the parents without involving their children, especially at this age.

[Anonymous]

Yes, kids can be jerks.

What constitutes “nice parents” in this context though? LOL. Most parents with even a hint of social grace will read as “nice” if you know them casually in this context. Means zero about their parenting or morals.

IME it is actually the most socially savvy/“popular” parents that have kids who are like this…and they DO usually know that their kids are not “nice” but either do not realize the extent of it, or do not especially care.

At any rate, I certainly wouldn’t say anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m dealing with this right now. I’ve been skipping school events and have ghosted my book club of moms and friends because a group of boys have been relentlessly bullying/harassing my DD this year. I know the moms are wondering why I’m not showing up, but we’re also not close enough friends that I feel comfortable explaining. And I don’t know what version of the events their boys or school have shared, which makes it more awkward.

I’m sad to not see them any more, because they are smart, interesting women. But their boys are little jerks, and I can’t figure out how to bridge that gap.

They are separate people from their children. You should be able have a relationship with adult women that is separate from your daughter and their children’s dynamic

NP: nope, not in this scenario. Our kid grew apart and went their separate ways (normal)? Yes, of course we can still be friends! Our kids had a personal falling out or a squabble? Yep, still friends. But if your kid is relentlessly bullying mine? Umm, no. We are certainly NOT friends. Why would I want to be your friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve seen some super-nice parents that were basically too nice and didn’t discipline their kids and ended up with little terrors. It definitely happens.

+1
I'm actually good friends with a mom of a girl like this. She really wanted her child to have everything she didn't growing up and the kid basically rotted. My daughter stopped hanging out with her because she said she was spoiled and didn't like how disrespectful she was to her parents! She said "I'd never be allowed to behave that way!" I don't even know what the girl did most of the time. Anyway, I'm still friends with her mom even though the kids aren't friends. The mom tells me the girl is so difficult and she doesn't know what to do. She is also fully aware she created this problem. It's kind of sad because for over a decade I've been friends with her I remember so many times her caving because "she wanted her daughter to have things easier than she did". It was all done out of love and well intended, just poorly thought out. I grew up with rich neglectful parents, so I just wanted my kids to feel loved. I didn't spoil them materially or by being permissive. I was very very present as a parent. My kids (3 are adults; 1 in HS) are successful, happy, healthy, and have great relationships with us and their friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know.

The fear of your reaction will make most people not tell you. I wouldn't. Most parents will defensively and instinctively push back and stand up for their kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They might not know. Kids don't come home and say "hey Mom I bullied Jack today! What a little twerp!"

Most of these kids also bulky their parents and siblings. OR their parents bully them. Either way, the parents know or they are intentionally closing their eyes hoping the problem solves itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m dealing with this right now. I’ve been skipping school events and have ghosted my book club of moms and friends because a group of boys have been relentlessly bullying/harassing my DD this year. I know the moms are wondering why I’m not showing up, but we’re also not close enough friends that I feel comfortable explaining. And I don’t know what version of the events their boys or school have shared, which makes it more awkward.

I’m sad to not see them any more, because they are smart, interesting women. But their boys are little jerks, and I can’t figure out how to bridge that gap.

They are separate people from their children. You should be able have a relationship with adult women that is separate from your daughter and their children’s dynamic

I should be able to, but since there is an active sexual harassment investigation at school involving their boys vs. my DD and two other girls, I think the dynamic is going to be hard to separate…

[Anonymous]

You have no idea what we’ve gone through with one of our kids and what we have done. We don’t need some random parent telling us things we know. So we have basically avoided all social events in the community because we don’t need your judgement. Our other kid is a nice rule following kid so we must do something right….

Do us a favor and don’t feel the need to say hi if you don’t want to be sincere and if you just want to gossip about the struggles we have with our one teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would want to know.

The fear of your reaction will make most people not tell you. I wouldn't. Most parents will defensively and instinctively push back and stand up for their kid.

I don’t know, a year or two ago one of my kids did something quite nasty to another kid whose mom told me. We had some serious conversations with the kid, kid felt ashamed and apologized (sincerely as far as I could tell), we continue to talk about how we treat other people, and now those two kids are friendly if not close. I appreciated being told because it meant that I could help my child improve their behavior. They’re learning and growing, they will do stupid and thoughtless things, it’s the parents’ job to help them grow up well, and is easier to do that if you have more context!