Anonymous wrote:This is OP and just providing a follow up. We tried some different meds and adjusted dosing and there has been no positive impact on his sleep. These meds are anti-psychotics with a sedating effect, not actual sleeping pills like Ambien. I actually think the meds are making his confusion worse, although this could just be the progression of his disease and/or impacts of limited sleep. As I think several have mentioned, it is apparently outside the standard of care to prescribe sleeping pills or for dementia-related sleep disturbance in the elderly due to fall risk. Not sure how they get away with it in nursing homes, if that is what they are doing. Perhaps because they have bed alarms and other things to prevent the residents from getting out of bed and falling. I don't know that I'm up to dabbling in sleep meds (nor am I sure about the wisdom of this) without the direction of his doctor.
In the meantime, I've moved forward with hiring a CNA to come and stay with my dad overnight, 5 days a week. I got MANY applicants for this job so there is definitely interest in this type of work. I dropped the ask to do laundry, but she will watch over and care for him at night, get him up in the morning, make him breakfast and get him ready for the day. We will likely place him in an adult day care program to keep him more engaged during the day (and maybe even tire him out). Anyhow, thanks to all who gave constructive advice.
Sorry to hear sleep issue has not improved. Wonderful that you will try adult day care for dad. The director may be able to help with transition-find people who might be potential "friends", etc. Don't be surprised if he doesn't like it at first. It turned out to be a huge blessing for us. Nothing like seeing your parent smiling and happy in a new setting and even reluctant to LEAVE!
Anonymous wrote:I second the poster about the effects on your children. Just be aware of how fearful and unsettling it can be. I was 12 when my grandma was in this state and it was frightening. And this state inevitably leads to the next (and worse) one. You are treading water and should be considering next options (memory care).
I am still paying the price for what I exposed kids to with my aging parents and problematic behaviors. The needs of your kids need to be a priority too, especially with regard to sleep. People talking about modeling what is right for your kids. Absolutely. Good boundaries are important for them to see. You can love your parents and provide proper care while making your kids and spouse and self a priority. Deciding everyone must suffer instead often turns people off those roles. They need to see you can prioritize a health nuclear family and still do right by grandma.Find the right memory care and visit often.Much easier for everyone to be at their best visiting when they have gotten enough sleep. The challenges with dementia start to increase exponentially. I've lived it.
I was a teen when my parents took in my grandparent with dementia and it was fine. We saw my parents taking care of their elderly parent, which was a great example for us. We also got a realistic look at what aging is really like. This experience was a good one for my family in many ways, even though there were difficult times as my grandparent journeyed toward their final days. Eventually we siblings also took care of our own parents, one of whom also had dementia.
I know what it’s like to live with a person with dementia in ways most people today do not. I have a more realistic idea of how to plan for my own needs when my spouse and I reach those ages. Most importantly, watching your parents doing the right thing and then eventually doing the right thing yourself gives one a good feeling of having shown love and caring to your relatives when they need you the most.
But were you a teen who was woken up multiple times per night by a hysterically screaming grandma, or one who walked into your room screaming? It's hard to expect anyone to not be harmed by that. It's great to take care of your parents, but at some point, there are reasons for facilities, especially when it's actually much safer for them to be there. Everyone will be happier, and you can visit frequently.
Dp. We only have facilities in the U.S. because ppl are wealthy enough to offload a relative onto someone else. How do you think families deal in other countries?
I have nothing against facilities but if they’re doing to spend the whole inheritance on them it just doesn’t make sense. Ideally if a state pays for in home care and they can hire someone but her mom might not be poor enough to qualify for that. Then it’s whatever is cheapest and allows the family to live more or less normally.
Well the cost of a night aid for 8-10 hours per day is likely $10K+ per month. For $14K you can have full care, 24/7 in a facility that can provide the care needed.
Yes you need the money, but most people cannot easily manage it at home nor provide adequate care because they need to sleep and go to their jobs daily as well
Also in many other countries (most of Asia), hiring 24/7 help of 1-2 aides for round the clock care (who live with you) is dirt cheap relatively speaking. So for equivalent of $4-5K/year you can get that in India with actual nurses, and dedicated care givers.
In the USA, it is more affordable to be in a facility
+1 and thank you for making that point. I'm a little sick of these "why do Americans not keep their elders in their homes the way WE do in Asia" posts. I've lived in Asia, and for professional families, there is a substantially more robust culture of hiring help. There's help for the cooking, help for the kids, help for the outdoor work, and help for the elders. It's a doubled-edged sword, of course, given what happens to the elders of the folks who are providing the care.
Exactly! My Indian IL had tons of help, for very cheap. we had 2 round the clock care with nurses for 3+ years for them. They lived there and became part of the family. MIL passed, kept the care and brought FIL to the USA and brought the nurses with them! And yes, there were also a full time cook and 2 house cleaners, a driver, etc. 6-7 paid helpers that worked when you needed them and the nurses were 24/7 and lived there. All of that for about $20K/year US. There is cheap help for everything if you are even MC in India (and most SE Asian countries). We were not paying $35/hour for care.
This. Also, it's a little ironic these posters guilt trip those Americans when basically staff are being taken advantage of in these other countries. They are underpaid and overworked and have few if any protections from exploitation. That's hardly an ideal to strive for. There comes a time where Memory Care here in the uS is truly the best and most humane option and it's much easier to visit and be your best self so you can keep your loved one calm and at ease rather than being exhausted, burned out and resentful which just sets off the anxiety of the elder.
YEs! I have a family member whose 80 yo FIL lives with them. He has dementia. They cannot leave him home unattended for any amount of time. They have a 8-5 house cleaner daily who helps, but now the husband has to return to work (Fed ordered back to office) so they need a male caregiver/someone willing to assist with toileting issues (FIL doesn't want a female). If they want to travel on vacation or anywhere (family or friends wedding) they have to arrange for 2+ people to come stay with their Father/FIL. They havent' gone anywhere other than 2 family weddings in the last 2 years. It's too stressful. I'd argue that at this point, it is much better for everyone if he were to go into a memory care facility. It's not safe to leave him for even 5 mins.
I know that if it happens to me, I wouldn't want to be a burden to my kids/family and would rather be in a memory care facility, being kept safe
Anonymous wrote:Magnesium glycinate 400 mg , give it right after dinner or 8 pm will help her sleep through the night
Mom’s pcp said they no longer prescribe sleeping pills due to the pills creating a fall risk
Our overnight CNA’s generally snoozed with Mom. Most CNA’s are already working 36-40 hours elsewhere. It is unrealistic to expect laundry and meal prep to be done overnight.
This. CNAs don't make much money, I would expect minimal work to be done and most of the extra work to involve your mom's care / her laundry, etc...
Anonymous wrote:I second the poster about the effects on your children. Just be aware of how fearful and unsettling it can be. I was 12 when my grandma was in this state and it was frightening. And this state inevitably leads to the next (and worse) one. You are treading water and should be considering next options (memory care).
I am still paying the price for what I exposed kids to with my aging parents and problematic behaviors. The needs of your kids need to be a priority too, especially with regard to sleep. People talking about modeling what is right for your kids. Absolutely. Good boundaries are important for them to see. You can love your parents and provide proper care while making your kids and spouse and self a priority. Deciding everyone must suffer instead often turns people off those roles. They need to see you can prioritize a health nuclear family and still do right by grandma.Find the right memory care and visit often.Much easier for everyone to be at their best visiting when they have gotten enough sleep. The challenges with dementia start to increase exponentially. I've lived it.
I was a teen when my parents took in my grandparent with dementia and it was fine. We saw my parents taking care of their elderly parent, which was a great example for us. We also got a realistic look at what aging is really like. This experience was a good one for my family in many ways, even though there were difficult times as my grandparent journeyed toward their final days. Eventually we siblings also took care of our own parents, one of whom also had dementia.
I know what it’s like to live with a person with dementia in ways most people today do not. I have a more realistic idea of how to plan for my own needs when my spouse and I reach those ages. Most importantly, watching your parents doing the right thing and then eventually doing the right thing yourself gives one a good feeling of having shown love and caring to your relatives when they need you the most.
But were you a teen who was woken up multiple times per night by a hysterically screaming grandma, or one who walked into your room screaming? It's hard to expect anyone to not be harmed by that. It's great to take care of your parents, but at some point, there are reasons for facilities, especially when it's actually much safer for them to be there. Everyone will be happier, and you can visit frequently.
Dp. We only have facilities in the U.S. because ppl are wealthy enough to offload a relative onto someone else. How do you think families deal in other countries?
I have nothing against facilities but if they’re doing to spend the whole inheritance on them it just doesn’t make sense. Ideally if a state pays for in home care and they can hire someone but her mom might not be poor enough to qualify for that. Then it’s whatever is cheapest and allows the family to live more or less normally.
Well the cost of a night aid for 8-10 hours per day is likely $10K+ per month. For $14K you can have full care, 24/7 in a facility that can provide the care needed.
Yes you need the money, but most people cannot easily manage it at home nor provide adequate care because they need to sleep and go to their jobs daily as well
Also in many other countries (most of Asia), hiring 24/7 help of 1-2 aides for round the clock care (who live with you) is dirt cheap relatively speaking. So for equivalent of $4-5K/year you can get that in India with actual nurses, and dedicated care givers.
In the USA, it is more affordable to be in a facility
+1 and thank you for making that point. I'm a little sick of these "why do Americans not keep their elders in their homes the way WE do in Asia" posts. I've lived in Asia, and for professional families, there is a substantially more robust culture of hiring help. There's help for the cooking, help for the kids, help for the outdoor work, and help for the elders. It's a doubled-edged sword, of course, given what happens to the elders of the folks who are providing the care.
Exactly! My Indian IL had tons of help, for very cheap. we had 2 round the clock care with nurses for 3+ years for them. They lived there and became part of the family. MIL passed, kept the care and brought FIL to the USA and brought the nurses with them! And yes, there were also a full time cook and 2 house cleaners, a driver, etc. 6-7 paid helpers that worked when you needed them and the nurses were 24/7 and lived there. All of that for about $20K/year US. There is cheap help for everything if you are even MC in India (and most SE Asian countries). We were not paying $35/hour for care.
This. Also, it's a little ironic these posters guilt trip those Americans when basically staff are being taken advantage of in these other countries. They are underpaid and overworked and have few if any protections from exploitation. That's hardly an ideal to strive for. There comes a time where Memory Care here in the uS is truly the best and most humane option and it's much easier to visit and be your best self so you can keep your loved one calm and at ease rather than being exhausted, burned out and resentful which just sets off the anxiety of the elder.
YEs! I have a family member whose 80 yo FIL lives with them. He has dementia. They cannot leave him home unattended for any amount of time. They have a 8-5 house cleaner daily who helps, but now the husband has to return to work (Fed ordered back to office) so they need a male caregiver/someone willing to assist with toileting issues (FIL doesn't want a female). If they want to travel on vacation or anywhere (family or friends wedding) they have to arrange for 2+ people to come stay with their Father/FIL. They havent' gone anywhere other than 2 family weddings in the last 2 years. It's too stressful. I'd argue that at this point, it is much better for everyone if he were to go into a memory care facility. It's not safe to leave him for even 5 mins.
I know that if it happens to me, I wouldn't want to be a burden to my kids/family and would rather be in a memory care facility, being kept safe
We put my MIL in a memory care nursing home and it was terrible. She was neglected and possibly abused. It was not exactly safe. I'd rather have help but we couldn't afford it and our house was too small to make it work.
Anonymous wrote:I dont really inderstand the sentiment of its not an aide’s job to do x or y. OP isnt pulling a bait and switch by trying to add tasks to an existing employees’s etablished responsibilities. She has a need and is asking if others have beem able to find people to take on this type of work. OP A private hire is what you will need to look for.
I think it will be VERY VERY hard to find someone who is:
1. Willing to take on caring for a dementia patient. Dementia patients can be unpredictable and dangerous, especially in a private home setting without the safeguards of a facility.
2. Is actually trained to do this safely.
3.. Willing to do this during the night shift.
4. Willing to also do tasks on top of that like laundry and cleaning.
If you find someone capable, the rate will be very high. You might be better off with a facility.
My grandmother lived with us while I was growing up. She was declining for years mentally but she and my parents refused outside help despite us being able to afford it. I remember her abusing my parents physically, screaming awful things at everyone including me (a lot of it was targeted and cruel stuff about my appearance, my worthlessness etc), Setting stuff on fire (this one was really scary), stealing important things, etc. We never took a vacation and I wasn’t allowed to do extracurriculars and I never wanted to have people over.
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