Overnight in-home care so the rest of the family can sleep at night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - We are trying that but so far, its not really working. I'm concerned that the amount of meds that it will take to knock her out may worsen her dementia. But yes, its definitely an option we are exploring. Just thinking about a backup plan.

Her dementia is getting worse regardless, as we speak. Just medicate her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again - the basement bedroom is legal.

It has a window big enough for firefighters to enter / exit? Also has hard wired smoke detectors?(Sorry if it does! A lot of people don't know what legal basement bedroom entails)

NP. Why do you care? God, Americans can be such insufferable busy bodies. Mind your own business!

I agree,
So stupid. And it’s the same in every forum - if something is slightly against the rules there’s always some busybody

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wouldn't a cate facility medicate her at night? They would not have someone sitting with her...

Not sitting with her, but around and awake, and checking on her regularly. Plus memory care units usually have some means of keeping patients from eloping (my dad was somewhere where you had to punch in the year before opening the door to the wing or an alarm would sound)

Yes, a good memory care facility will have the unit under lockdown, so you need a code to enter or exit. They will have a nice outdoor area that is contained as well, so on nice days residents can safely be outside. But I would never put a loved one in a facility that didnt' have it on lockdown for memory care. It simply isn't safe. You are already seeing that with your mother in your home, and it will only get worse unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again - the basement bedroom is legal.

It has a window big enough for firefighters to enter / exit? Also has hard wired smoke detectors?(Sorry if it does! A lot of people don't know what legal basement bedroom entails)

NP. Why do you care? God, Americans can be such insufferable busy bodies. Mind your own business!

Uh they care because they don't want to read on the news that there was a fire and OP's mom couldn't get out and the firefighters couldn't get in fast enough....?

Much lower odds than her living another 10-20 years and being a burden on OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would also point out that you can hire aides overnight, but that doesn’t make them nocturnal. They’re not going to beaver away all night on laundry and meal prep. They’re going to sleep/doze between patient wake ups.

I'm not OP
Plenty of people "beaver away all night" on graveyard shifts. That's when large store shelves get stocked, office buildings get cleaned, sometimes major roadwork, etc.

But many "overnight aides" are doing this in addition to a full time job (or at least 25-30 hours/week job). So if you want a full time aid who is only working for you, you need to pay accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I second the poster about the effects on your children. Just be aware of how fearful and unsettling it can be. I was 12 when my grandma was in this state and it was frightening. And this state inevitably leads to the next (and worse) one. You are treading water and should be considering next options (memory care).

I am still paying the price for what I exposed kids to with my aging parents and problematic behaviors. The needs of your kids need to be a priority too, especially with regard to sleep. People talking about modeling what is right for your kids. Absolutely. Good boundaries are important for them to see. You can love your parents and provide proper care while making your kids and spouse and self a priority. Deciding everyone must suffer instead often turns people off those roles. They need to see you can prioritize a health nuclear family and still do right by grandma.Find the right memory care and visit often.Much easier for everyone to be at their best visiting when they have gotten enough sleep. The challenges with dementia start to increase exponentially. I've lived it.

I was a teen when my parents took in my grandparent with dementia and it was fine. We saw my parents taking care of their elderly parent, which was a great example for us. We also got a realistic look at what aging is really like. This experience was a good one for my family in many ways, even though there were difficult times as my grandparent journeyed toward their final days. Eventually we siblings also took care of our own parents, one of whom also had dementia.

I know what it’s like to live with a person with dementia in ways most people today do not. I have a more realistic idea of how to plan for my own needs when my spouse and I reach those ages. Most importantly, watching your parents doing the right thing and then eventually doing the right thing yourself gives one a good feeling of having shown love and caring to your relatives when they need you the most.

But were you a teen who was woken up multiple times per night by a hysterically screaming grandma, or one who walked into your room screaming? It's hard to expect anyone to not be harmed by that. It's great to take care of your parents, but at some point, there are reasons for facilities, especially when it's actually much safer for them to be there. Everyone will be happier, and you can visit frequently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I second the poster about the effects on your children. Just be aware of how fearful and unsettling it can be. I was 12 when my grandma was in this state and it was frightening. And this state inevitably leads to the next (and worse) one. You are treading water and should be considering next options (memory care).

I am still paying the price for what I exposed kids to with my aging parents and problematic behaviors. The needs of your kids need to be a priority too, especially with regard to sleep. People talking about modeling what is right for your kids. Absolutely. Good boundaries are important for them to see. You can love your parents and provide proper care while making your kids and spouse and self a priority. Deciding everyone must suffer instead often turns people off those roles. They need to see you can prioritize a health nuclear family and still do right by grandma.Find the right memory care and visit often.Much easier for everyone to be at their best visiting when they have gotten enough sleep. The challenges with dementia start to increase exponentially. I've lived it.

I was a teen when my parents took in my grandparent with dementia and it was fine. We saw my parents taking care of their elderly parent, which was a great example for us. We also got a realistic look at what aging is really like. This experience was a good one for my family in many ways, even though there were difficult times as my grandparent journeyed toward their final days. Eventually we siblings also took care of our own parents, one of whom also had dementia.

I know what it’s like to live with a person with dementia in ways most people today do not. I have a more realistic idea of how to plan for my own needs when my spouse and I reach those ages. Most importantly, watching your parents doing the right thing and then eventually doing the right thing yourself gives one a good feeling of having shown love and caring to your relatives when they need you the most.

But were you a teen who was woken up multiple times per night by a hysterically screaming grandma, or one who walked into your room screaming? It's hard to expect anyone to not be harmed by that. It's great to take care of your parents, but at some point, there are reasons for facilities, especially when it's actually much safer for them to be there. Everyone will be happier, and you can visit frequently.

Dp. We only have facilities in the U.S. because ppl are wealthy enough to offload a relative onto someone else. How do you think families deal in other countries?
I have nothing against facilities but if they’re doing to spend the whole inheritance on them it just doesn’t make sense. Ideally if a state pays for in home care and they can hire someone but her mom might not be poor enough to qualify for that. Then it’s whatever is cheapest and allows the family to live more or less normally.

[Anonymous]

I think this is definitely something you can hire for—but it’s like $40/hour through an agency. You can also post on care.com and get responses that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is definitely something you can hire for—but it’s like $40/hour through an agency. You can also post on care.com and get responses that way.

Is that the price point you were thinking, OP?

It's really expensive, I know. That's why a lot of families end up putting their family member with dementia in a memory care facility instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would also point out that you can hire aides overnight, but that doesn’t make them nocturnal. They’re not going to beaver away all night on laundry and meal prep. They’re going to sleep/doze between patient wake ups.

I'm not OP
Plenty of people "beaver away all night" on graveyard shifts. That's when large store shelves get stocked, office buildings get cleaned, sometimes major roadwork, etc.

But many "overnight aides" are doing this in addition to a full time job (or at least 25-30 hours/week job). So if you want a full time aid who is only working for you, you need to pay accordingly.

pp you quoted here
Yes, I realize that. I'm also the pp at 13:49

[Anonymous]

I dont really inderstand the sentiment of its not an aide’s job to do x or y. OP isnt pulling a bait and switch by trying to add tasks to an existing employees’s etablished responsibilities. She has a need and is asking if others have beem able to find people to take on this type of work. OP A private hire is what you will need to look for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I second the poster about the effects on your children. Just be aware of how fearful and unsettling it can be. I was 12 when my grandma was in this state and it was frightening. And this state inevitably leads to the next (and worse) one. You are treading water and should be considering next options (memory care).

I am still paying the price for what I exposed kids to with my aging parents and problematic behaviors. The needs of your kids need to be a priority too, especially with regard to sleep. People talking about modeling what is right for your kids. Absolutely. Good boundaries are important for them to see. You can love your parents and provide proper care while making your kids and spouse and self a priority. Deciding everyone must suffer instead often turns people off those roles. They need to see you can prioritize a health nuclear family and still do right by grandma.Find the right memory care and visit often.Much easier for everyone to be at their best visiting when they have gotten enough sleep. The challenges with dementia start to increase exponentially. I've lived it.

I was a teen when my parents took in my grandparent with dementia and it was fine. We saw my parents taking care of their elderly parent, which was a great example for us. We also got a realistic look at what aging is really like. This experience was a good one for my family in many ways, even though there were difficult times as my grandparent journeyed toward their final days. Eventually we siblings also took care of our own parents, one of whom also had dementia.

I know what it’s like to live with a person with dementia in ways most people today do not. I have a more realistic idea of how to plan for my own needs when my spouse and I reach those ages. Most importantly, watching your parents doing the right thing and then eventually doing the right thing yourself gives one a good feeling of having shown love and caring to your relatives when they need you the most.

But were you a teen who was woken up multiple times per night by a hysterically screaming grandma, or one who walked into your room screaming? It's hard to expect anyone to not be harmed by that. It's great to take care of your parents, but at some point, there are reasons for facilities, especially when it's actually much safer for them to be there. Everyone will be happier, and you can visit frequently.

I saw quite a bit, and I saw how hard my parents worked. They did the right thing and provided an example to my siblings and me of the right way to treat others. They also taught us that life isn’t always easy, that sometimes doing the right thing is difficult, but it is always worth it in the end.

YMMV

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I second the poster about the effects on your children. Just be aware of how fearful and unsettling it can be. I was 12 when my grandma was in this state and it was frightening. And this state inevitably leads to the next (and worse) one. You are treading water and should be considering next options (memory care).

I am still paying the price for what I exposed kids to with my aging parents and problematic behaviors. The needs of your kids need to be a priority too, especially with regard to sleep. People talking about modeling what is right for your kids. Absolutely. Good boundaries are important for them to see. You can love your parents and provide proper care while making your kids and spouse and self a priority. Deciding everyone must suffer instead often turns people off those roles. They need to see you can prioritize a health nuclear family and still do right by grandma.Find the right memory care and visit often.Much easier for everyone to be at their best visiting when they have gotten enough sleep. The challenges with dementia start to increase exponentially. I've lived it.

I was a teen when my parents took in my grandparent with dementia and it was fine. We saw my parents taking care of their elderly parent, which was a great example for us. We also got a realistic look at what aging is really like. This experience was a good one for my family in many ways, even though there were difficult times as my grandparent journeyed toward their final days. Eventually we siblings also took care of our own parents, one of whom also had dementia.

I know what it’s like to live with a person with dementia in ways most people today do not. I have a more realistic idea of how to plan for my own needs when my spouse and I reach those ages. Most importantly, watching your parents doing the right thing and then eventually doing the right thing yourself gives one a good feeling of having shown love and caring to your relatives when they need you the most.

But were you a teen who was woken up multiple times per night by a hysterically screaming grandma, or one who walked into your room screaming? It's hard to expect anyone to not be harmed by that. It's great to take care of your parents, but at some point, there are reasons for facilities, especially when it's actually much safer for them to be there. Everyone will be happier, and you can visit frequently.

Dp. We only have facilities in the U.S. because ppl are wealthy enough to offload a relative onto someone else. How do you think families deal in other countries?
I have nothing against facilities but if they’re doing to spend the whole inheritance on them it just doesn’t make sense. Ideally if a state pays for in home care and they can hire someone but her mom might not be poor enough to qualify for that. Then it’s whatever is cheapest and allows the family to live more or less normally.

Well the cost of a night aid for 8-10 hours per day is likely $10K+ per month. For $14K you can have full care, 24/7 in a facility that can provide the care needed.

Yes you need the money, but most people cannot easily manage it at home nor provide adequate care because they need to sleep and go to their jobs daily as well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I second the poster about the effects on your children. Just be aware of how fearful and unsettling it can be. I was 12 when my grandma was in this state and it was frightening. And this state inevitably leads to the next (and worse) one. You are treading water and should be considering next options (memory care).

I am still paying the price for what I exposed kids to with my aging parents and problematic behaviors. The needs of your kids need to be a priority too, especially with regard to sleep. People talking about modeling what is right for your kids. Absolutely. Good boundaries are important for them to see. You can love your parents and provide proper care while making your kids and spouse and self a priority. Deciding everyone must suffer instead often turns people off those roles. They need to see you can prioritize a health nuclear family and still do right by grandma.Find the right memory care and visit often.Much easier for everyone to be at their best visiting when they have gotten enough sleep. The challenges with dementia start to increase exponentially. I've lived it.

I was a teen when my parents took in my grandparent with dementia and it was fine. We saw my parents taking care of their elderly parent, which was a great example for us. We also got a realistic look at what aging is really like. This experience was a good one for my family in many ways, even though there were difficult times as my grandparent journeyed toward their final days. Eventually we siblings also took care of our own parents, one of whom also had dementia.

I know what it’s like to live with a person with dementia in ways most people today do not. I have a more realistic idea of how to plan for my own needs when my spouse and I reach those ages. Most importantly, watching your parents doing the right thing and then eventually doing the right thing yourself gives one a good feeling of having shown love and caring to your relatives when they need you the most.

But were you a teen who was woken up multiple times per night by a hysterically screaming grandma, or one who walked into your room screaming? It's hard to expect anyone to not be harmed by that. It's great to take care of your parents, but at some point, there are reasons for facilities, especially when it's actually much safer for them to be there. Everyone will be happier, and you can visit frequently.

Dp. We only have facilities in the U.S. because ppl are wealthy enough to offload a relative onto someone else. How do you think families deal in other countries?
I have nothing against facilities but if they’re doing to spend the whole inheritance on them it just doesn’t make sense. Ideally if a state pays for in home care and they can hire someone but her mom might not be poor enough to qualify for that. Then it’s whatever is cheapest and allows the family to live more or less normally.

Well the cost of a night aid for 8-10 hours per day is likely $10K+ per month. For $14K you can have full care, 24/7 in a facility that can provide the care needed.

Yes you need the money, but most people cannot easily manage it at home nor provide adequate care because they need to sleep and go to their jobs daily as well

Also in many other countries (most of Asia), hiring 24/7 help of 1-2 aides for round the clock care (who live with you) is dirt cheap relatively speaking. So for equivalent of $4-5K/year you can get that in India with actual nurses, and dedicated care givers.

In the USA, it is more affordable to be in a facility

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I second the poster about the effects on your children. Just be aware of how fearful and unsettling it can be. I was 12 when my grandma was in this state and it was frightening. And this state inevitably leads to the next (and worse) one. You are treading water and should be considering next options (memory care).

I am still paying the price for what I exposed kids to with my aging parents and problematic behaviors. The needs of your kids need to be a priority too, especially with regard to sleep. People talking about modeling what is right for your kids. Absolutely. Good boundaries are important for them to see. You can love your parents and provide proper care while making your kids and spouse and self a priority. Deciding everyone must suffer instead often turns people off those roles. They need to see you can prioritize a health nuclear family and still do right by grandma.Find the right memory care and visit often.Much easier for everyone to be at their best visiting when they have gotten enough sleep. The challenges with dementia start to increase exponentially. I've lived it.

I was a teen when my parents took in my grandparent with dementia and it was fine. We saw my parents taking care of their elderly parent, which was a great example for us. We also got a realistic look at what aging is really like. This experience was a good one for my family in many ways, even though there were difficult times as my grandparent journeyed toward their final days. Eventually we siblings also took care of our own parents, one of whom also had dementia.

I know what it’s like to live with a person with dementia in ways most people today do not. I have a more realistic idea of how to plan for my own needs when my spouse and I reach those ages. Most importantly, watching your parents doing the right thing and then eventually doing the right thing yourself gives one a good feeling of having shown love and caring to your relatives when they need you the most.

But were you a teen who was woken up multiple times per night by a hysterically screaming grandma, or one who walked into your room screaming? It's hard to expect anyone to not be harmed by that. It's great to take care of your parents, but at some point, there are reasons for facilities, especially when it's actually much safer for them to be there. Everyone will be happier, and you can visit frequently.

I saw quite a bit, and I saw how hard my parents worked. They did the right thing and provided an example to my siblings and me of the right way to treat others. They also taught us that life isn’t always easy, that sometimes doing the right thing is difficult, but it is always worth it in the end.

YMMV

Yes, I remember you. Last time you posted that it was "what good people do" implying that parents who do not want to subject their children to violent and/or sexual abuse of a grandparent with dementia are not "good people."