Swim mom cliques

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our neighborhood is friendly and welcoming. Our swim team, however, is run by a group of women who have known each other for years. We appreciate their efforts, but they are very stern and come off as bossy and know it alls.

They make up their own rules and then they get upset when the rest of us —outside of their clique— don’t understand their made up rules.

I like it when NVSL officials are around, as they are very friendly and make sure we understand the rules. In contrast, our team reps, are rude and standoffish.

+1 Our team has created an environment where no one wants to fill important positions. Could you imagine having to sit on board meetings with these people year round.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our neighborhood is friendly and welcoming. Our swim team, however, is run by a group of women who have known each other for years. We appreciate their efforts, but they are very stern and come off as bossy and know it alls.

They make up their own rules and then they get upset when the rest of us —outside of their clique— don’t understand their made up rules.

I like it when NVSL officials are around, as they are very friendly and make sure we understand the rules. In contrast, our team reps, are rude and standoffish.

+1 Our team has created an environment where no one wants to fill important positions. Could you imagine having to sit on board meetings with these people year round.

+1
Our team also. It’s toxic. Everyone is a timer. Not sure what kind of official yee will have next year. Many are letting their status expire. Our board/committee is a bunch of idiots.

I’m doing my 5 volunteer jobs. That’s it. But I’m there to have fun and socialize with all the Moms.

[Anonymous]

It’s sad to see how many teams have the samep issues. I am so over summer swim at this point in the season. People take it waaay too seriously and then their kids are overly intense, which has made certain age groups toxic. They get all stressed out and snap at other parent volunteers as though these parents work for them. It’s so disrespectful.

The bossy/cliquey people are either on the board or give themselves cushy jobs that don’t require hands on work during meets. Then they sit there socializing while the rest of us actually run things. I do stroke and turn and it’s hard not to be bitter when I have to focus and not talk to anyone, meanwhile I see these snobby moms having a grand old time while having a holier than thou attitude around the pool deck. They’re so snarky about new parents who are still figuring things out. I refuse to be on the board because I can’t deal with them. A lot of newer parents have confided in me that they don’t feel welcome on the team and feel that it’s cliquey. Then the board wonders why new families do a couple years then quit.

We have one kid on the team who is truly good enough to be a D1 swimmer, and those kid’s parents are the most laid back. The crazy parents do not realize how delusional they look and how much pressure their kids are feeling because of them.

[Anonymous]

Twice in two weeks, I've had someone (once our swim team rep themselves, once a parent volunteer) be short with me when I (also a parent volunteer) dropped off a thing that I made / brought to / transported for a swim team activity. Think dropping off a dish for the pasta dinner or bringing in ice for concessions (and no, these aren't our only volunteer jobs - we're well past our hours - just doing stuff that needs done). A smile and a "thank you" would have gone a long way in both situations and the lack thereof just rubs volunteers the wrong way - especially when it's someone like the team rep who theoretically would benefit from families wanting to be invested and sign up for stuff or go over and above when asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Twice in two weeks, I've had someone (once our swim team rep themselves, once a parent volunteer) be short with me when I (also a parent volunteer) dropped off a thing that I made / brought to / transported for a swim team activity. Think dropping off a dish for the pasta dinner or bringing in ice for concessions (and no, these aren't our only volunteer jobs - we're well past our hours - just doing stuff that needs done). A smile and a "thank you" would have gone a long way in both situations and the lack thereof just rubs volunteers the wrong way - especially when it's someone like the team rep who theoretically would benefit from families wanting to be invested and sign up for stuff or go over and above when asked.

Genuine question - in those instances, did you smile at and thank the team rep or volunteer accepting the item? Just because they’re coordinating the collection doesn’t mean they’re not also a volunteer themselves. Being a team rep requires a very significant behind the scenes level of effort. Most are juggling the role with actual full time jobs and only ever hear the complaints from families about what they could be doing differently or better. So I’m just reminding folks that while you’re also tired and burned out from volunteering, so are the volunteers that are asking you to, and they rarely get a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Twice in two weeks, I've had someone (once our swim team rep themselves, once a parent volunteer) be short with me when I (also a parent volunteer) dropped off a thing that I made / brought to / transported for a swim team activity. Think dropping off a dish for the pasta dinner or bringing in ice for concessions (and no, these aren't our only volunteer jobs - we're well past our hours - just doing stuff that needs done). A smile and a "thank you" would have gone a long way in both situations and the lack thereof just rubs volunteers the wrong way - especially when it's someone like the team rep who theoretically would benefit from families wanting to be invested and sign up for stuff or go over and above when asked.

They are probably hot and busy. And why should they thank you - they are volunteers just like you and it sounds like they are doing more than you to help...did you thank them??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Twice in two weeks, I've had someone (once our swim team rep themselves, once a parent volunteer) be short with me when I (also a parent volunteer) dropped off a thing that I made / brought to / transported for a swim team activity. Think dropping off a dish for the pasta dinner or bringing in ice for concessions (and no, these aren't our only volunteer jobs - we're well past our hours - just doing stuff that needs done). A smile and a "thank you" would have gone a long way in both situations and the lack thereof just rubs volunteers the wrong way - especially when it's someone like the team rep who theoretically would benefit from families wanting to be invested and sign up for stuff or go over and above when asked.

They are probably hot and busy. And why should they thank you - they are volunteers just like you and it sounds like they are doing more than you to help...did you thank them??

I sure did! I totally get that we're all volunteers (and that they are above and beyond superstar volunteers). Still doesn't hurt to say thanks.

[Anonymous]

I understand parents hanging out together because their kids swim year round together. Mine don’t but are both A meet swimmers, I hang out with parents whose kids go to school with mine.

What has bothered me is that the current set of older kids swim their races and that’s it. There is no more mentorship etc and the club swimmers definitely only hang together. I had a kid on an all star relay who felt very isolated.

Our team has lost a bit of the team/fun feeling lately and for kids like mine who are good swimmers but it’s not their main sport, this will probably be their last year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand parents hanging out together because their kids swim year round together. Mine don’t but are both A meet swimmers, I hang out with parents whose kids go to school with mine.

What has bothered me is that the current set of older kids swim their races and that’s it. There is no more mentorship etc and the club swimmers definitely only hang together. I had a kid on an all star relay who felt very isolated.

Our team has lost a bit of the team/fun feeling lately and for kids like mine who are good swimmers but it’s not their main sport, this will probably be their last year.

I would concur with this. The older kids who used to cheer on and mentor the youngers now [understandly] just hang out and flirt and MAYBE talk to a younger they know from club swim. I haven't experienced cliques like this since high school and we don't even go to one of the fancy pools. No one is signing up for relays carnival except those families and maybe someone needs to stop and think if there are some team culture issues at play.

[Anonymous]

Just do your own thing, OP. I always did. I sat to the side by myself, reading a book or looking at my phone. Why would I want to engage with that nest of vipers? They will turn on each other as the day is long. They will gossip about the mom who isn't there. There is no loyalty to these mom cliques, only cheap, fake intimacy. Have some dignity about yourself. Never grovel, never bend. Walk tall, stand alone. You don't need bad people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand parents hanging out together because their kids swim year round together. Mine don’t but are both A meet swimmers, I hang out with parents whose kids go to school with mine.

What has bothered me is that the current set of older kids swim their races and that’s it. There is no more mentorship etc and the club swimmers definitely only hang together. I had a kid on an all star relay who felt very isolated.

Our team has lost a bit of the team/fun feeling lately and for kids like mine who are good swimmers but it’s not their main sport, this will probably be their last year.

I think this portrays pretty much what's happening in most of summer swim teams. But parents sometimes forget that older kids you referred to here are still very young kids themselves. 18 being the oldest and lots of 15, 16s. Of course they are older kids compared to kids in the minis, but you know kids are still kids and we tend to expect them to be a little bit too mature. Our team's older kids regularly help out younger kids with their training. Older kids can earn their service hours doing this and it definitely helps team bonding between them too. Are older kids in your club never doing this? Think about implementing it if your club doesn't do this.

[Anonymous]

Parents whose kids swim together/are in the same class/carpool together will hang out. That is not necessarily being exclusionary. We joined our pool late and it took a while for our family to find our place -mostly by us volunteering and inviting other kids over to play - for us to feel included.

FYI, for anyone in MCSL, the league explicitly prohibits team reps from serving a different volunteer job while they are rep (so to the S&Ts, they aren’t allowed to do that job at meets when they are rep). And as others have mentioned, reps do so much thankless work behind the scenes all week leading up the meets.

I guess I just mean to say, let’s not assume the worst of others. Who knows what anyone is dealing with and give each other a little grace.

[Anonymous]

It also sucks if your team doesn't have regular B meets to volunteer for 5 hours in the 95 degree heat for your kid to swim 30 seconds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand parents hanging out together because their kids swim year round together. Mine don’t but are both A meet swimmers, I hang out with parents whose kids go to school with mine.

What has bothered me is that the current set of older kids swim their races and that’s it. There is no more mentorship etc and the club swimmers definitely only hang together. I had a kid on an all star relay who felt very isolated.

Our team has lost a bit of the team/fun feeling lately and for kids like mine who are good swimmers but it’s not their main sport, this will probably be their last year.

My youngest kid is in their last year of summer swim. I have now been a swim parent for almost 20 years (maybe more, I don't think I want to do this math!). My own observation is that team spirit is very coach driven as well as personality driven by the older kids. If you have older kids who really enjoy mentoring, then you will see that more. The amount of team spirit amongst the older kids is always going to ebb and flow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Volunteer. Become a USA swimming official. It is so much more pleasant than sitting in the stands. When I sit in the stands I am horrified by my fellow parents. When I volunteer I am busy, enjoy spending time with other officials, and the meet flies by.

Agree. Or a timer. We always need timers. It’s actually fun down on deck.