Why is family so important to people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I have a number of people I am related to by birth and grew up with and know them in adulthood. I am somewhat close to some, others I do not care for. I enjoy the company of people I am not related to by miles above those I am related to. I also am inspired/ look up to these people, and I do not feel the same about most of my family.

I could take or leave the idea of family (meaning relatives). Why do some people put such importance of family?

This is easy. All those feelings you feel towards others, people actually feel towards their families. Get it now?

So you don’t have any addicts or narcissists or just general a*^&holes in your family? Genuine follow-up question.

Sure one or two but not all. Surely you know not every family is dysfunctional, right? Is this news to you?

NP.

No need to be a smug a$$hole about it. Consider yourself lucky and show some grace.

No. Because OP and others are being smug about the fact that their chosen friends are far superior to their family and they truly admire and they just can't possibly understand how it can be any other way. Won't someone please help them understand?

I don’t think you know what smug means.

Whatever. But it's not a sincere question or else OP is extremely stupid. Call it what you will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a number of people I am related to by birth and grew up with and know them in adulthood. I am somewhat close to some, others I do not care for. I enjoy the company of people I am not related to by miles above those I am related to. I also am inspired/ look up to these people, and I do not feel the same about most of my family.

I could take or leave the idea of family (meaning relatives). Why do some people put such importance of family?

This is easy. All those feelings you feel towards others, people actually feel towards their families. Get it now?

So you don’t have any addicts or narcissists or just general a*^&holes in your family? Genuine follow-up question.

Sure one or two but not all. Surely you know not every family is dysfunctional, right? Is this news to you?

NP.

No need to be a smug a$$hole about it. Consider yourself lucky and show some grace.

No. Because OP and others are being smug about the fact that their chosen friends are far superior to their family and they truly admire and they just can't possibly understand how it can be any other way. Won't someone please help them understand?

I don’t think you know what smug means.

Whatever. But it's not a sincere question or else OP is extremely stupid. Call it what you will.

Okay, I guess I am extremely stupid then. You are lucky your relatives care so much about family and put up with your terrible attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a number of people I am related to by birth and grew up with and know them in adulthood. I am somewhat close to some, others I do not care for. I enjoy the company of people I am not related to by miles above those I am related to. I also am inspired/ look up to these people, and I do not feel the same about most of my family.

I could take or leave the idea of family (meaning relatives). Why do some people put such importance of family?

This is easy. All those feelings you feel towards others, people actually feel towards their families. Get it now?

So you don’t have any addicts or narcissists or just general a*^&holes in your family? Genuine follow-up question.

Sure one or two but not all. Surely you know not every family is dysfunctional, right? Is this news to you?

NP.

No need to be a smug a$$hole about it. Consider yourself lucky and show some grace.

No. Because OP and others are being smug about the fact that their chosen friends are far superior to their family and they truly admire and they just can't possibly understand how it can be any other way. Won't someone please help them understand?

Is there a reason you are being so defensive?

Is there a reason you are playing dumb about not understanding what a family is or why it matters to people? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a number of people I am related to by birth and grew up with and know them in adulthood. I am somewhat close to some, others I do not care for. I enjoy the company of people I am not related to by miles above those I am related to. I also am inspired/ look up to these people, and I do not feel the same about most of my family.

I could take or leave the idea of family (meaning relatives). Why do some people put such importance of family?

This is easy. All those feelings you feel towards others, people actually feel towards their families. Get it now?

So you don’t have any addicts or narcissists or just general a*^&holes in your family? Genuine follow-up question.

Sure one or two but not all. Surely you know not every family is dysfunctional, right? Is this news to you?

NP.

No need to be a smug a$$hole about it. Consider yourself lucky and show some grace.

No. Because OP and others are being smug about the fact that their chosen friends are far superior to their family and they truly admire and they just can't possibly understand how it can be any other way. Won't someone please help them understand?

I don’t think you know what smug means.

Whatever. But it's not a sincere question or else OP is extremely stupid. Call it what you will.

Okay, I guess I am extremely stupid then. You are lucky your relatives care so much about family and put up with your terrible attitude.

That's what makes family so great. Glad I could help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My take on what the OP is asking is why the 'family is important' crowd always seem to have difficulties (and some resentment about) interacting with family members. For example, here are the five most recent topics in this forum:

1. help with ideas- I WFH and my mother in law will be here for 2 weeks (OP's DH is expecting her to entertain/look after his visiting mother).

2. Why do SILs hate the women their brothers marry? (OP has mean toxic SIL)

3. Can I declare a moratorium on cooking? (OP's DH and kids whine about what she cooks for them).

4. Did anyone have a deadbeat dad return when you're an adult? (Irresponsible/absent parent shows up and wants a relationship)

5. DH’s family visiting from out of country for four nights/five days (More ILs that OP has to handle/tolerate)

This is a family relations board. Head on over to the relationship board and you’ll see plenty of struggles and questions for people in the dating/friendship realm. Interpersonal struggles are real.

That's just it though - the Relationships board is about relationships you chose (spouse, friends). This board is about biological family (except for kids, which are a choice as well). Yet this is one of the most active and complaint-filled boards here. And yes, people without family problems don't post, but the traffic suggests that there are a lot of people who put up with these relationships out of obligation or something other than actually liking their family.

NP and consider too that there could be a situation where one part of a couple likes the family member and the other doesn't so harder to avoid or ditch them. I'd imagine many MIL threads fit the bill there. I would add another dimension to it is that family issues can bring spouse issues to the forefront if, as one example, a spouse doesn't set an appropriate boundary. So it's sorta a family issue but really just masking a spouse issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know who loves to insist on "family first" and "above all else"? Abusers. This mentality provides a fertile field for toxic relationships, grooming, and abuse of all kinds.

If you've got a healthy normal family great, but the rote insistence that family always comes first is just fairytale, immature nonesense.

Yeah no. Plenty of functional, happy, loving families talk about family first.

+1

[Anonymous]

They may be difficult people, but they are MY difficult people. I don't know where the loyalty comes from, but it's there. They feel they same way. I've been burned by too many friends to have the illusions that best friends are forever. I may not always want to be tied to my sister but I can't "un-sister" her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also do think, barring abuse etc, that maintaining strong ties with family encourages people to learn how to compromise and see other perspectives better.

My FIL and I disagree on everything related to politics. Honestly, if he were a friend, we wouldn’t be close. But, we do get along, are able to spend time together, and occasionally see each other’s points.

Similarly, one of my sisters is very flaky about plans. I’m not sure we would be in touch if we were friends. My annoyance at last minute changes would probably have resulted in a fade out. But, now I’ve developed some tools for dealing with that. And obviously, I’m not going to drop an otherwise good sister just because she is more spontaneous than I am!

We learn to compromise and work with others. (None of this is to minimize truly dysfunctional families or toxic family members; those relationships are not worth trying for.)

Great point! Families help us break out of our silos and teach us to disagree civilly (because we love the person we are arguing with!)

[Anonymous]

Watch The Godfather movie

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know who loves to insist on "family first" and "above all else"? Abusers. This mentality provides a fertile field for toxic relationships, grooming, and abuse of all kinds.

If you've got a healthy normal family great, but the rote insistence that family always comes first is just fairytale, immature nonesense.

Yeah no. Plenty of functional, happy, loving families talk about family first.

What comes before anything? What have we always said is the most important thing?

Breakfast.

Family.

Family, right. I thought you meant of the things you eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are times in my life that I've felt the same as you. Some family is great, some isn't, why do we put family so far about other connections?

Well, now, in midlife, I've found that over longer periods of time, family is much more likely to still be around and in your orbit. For me, for other people in my family, for friends of mine, I see the same pattern. Yes, I have friendships that have withstood the test of time - more than most I think. At this point, I probably have 20 friendships that have lasted over 20 years.

But I'm down to two friends from high school. My college friends and I still have robust relationships. But there are friends from another source from years and years ago that I would have considered just as close as family, and I just realized that at this point I've lost touch with all of them. Exactly which friendships have withstood the test of time has been, in retrospect, quite unpredictable. It's also much more likely for friends who have drifted to stay drifted, whereas family often drifts back into your inner circle.

Bottom line: in a world where community is so valuable, family is the better bet. Not a guarantee, and lord knows I'd be lost without my friends, current and past. But the odds are better that family sticks around and are there for you when the sh*t really hits the fan. It's hard or nearly impossible to see over 1 or 5 or even 10 years. But 20-30 years? Yeah, it's a big difference.

Same experience. And I say that as someone from a dysfunctional family, but that's why it's so sad. My DH and I are leaning harder into his family and planning on moving closer to them soon, for this reason. He is also from a tighter community and actually still has childhood friends he's genuinely close to, and I've become friends with them and their families over the years too. I think coming from a very stable, functional family and a pretty tight knit community helped him to make these stronger bonds, and we want that for our own kids. I didn't have that has a child and had to create a support network from scratch as an adult. I did it but it was hard and lonely. I don't want my kids to have to do that. I want them to feel like they always have people in their corner they can turn to, whether that's us or their cousins or very close family friends.

+2 I feel similiarly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They may be difficult people, but they are MY difficult people. I don't know where the loyalty comes from, but it's there. They feel they same way. I've been burned by too many friends to have the illusions that best friends are forever. I may not always want to be tied to my sister but I can't "un-sister" her.

Exactly. My sister gets on my nerves sometimes but she will always be my sister. If you have a bad fight with your friend, you and she may very well decide to never have anything to do with each other again, so you’re certainly not friends anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a number of people I am related to by birth and grew up with and know them in adulthood. I am somewhat close to some, others I do not care for. I enjoy the company of people I am not related to by miles above those I am related to. I also am inspired/ look up to these people, and I do not feel the same about most of my family.

I could take or leave the idea of family (meaning relatives). Why do some people put such importance of family?

I don't know who said this but it might help.

"Family isn't always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones that would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.” “Family is not defined by our genes, it is built and maintained through love.”Jul 19, 2023

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a number of people I am related to by birth and grew up with and know them in adulthood. I am somewhat close to some, others I do not care for. I enjoy the company of people I am not related to by miles above those I am related to. I also am inspired/ look up to these people, and I do not feel the same about most of my family.

I could take or leave the idea of family (meaning relatives). Why do some people put such importance of family?

I don't know who said this but it might help.

"Family isn't always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones that would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.” “Family is not defined by our genes, it is built and maintained through love.”Jul 19, 2023

Preciously few non relatives fall into this category, unfortunately. You're redefining the meaning of family, although with good intentions.

My 75 year old father is suffering from rapid and advanced parkinsons and it's interesting watching who, among all my parents' decades-long friendships, have quietly faded out of the picture and who have remained constant and close. But family is always there. Everything I see of life tells me it's incredibly rare for that level of close, meaningful friendships to replace family blood. One way or another, blood is indeed thicker than water.

[Anonymous]

They are important to me because they're my people. We genuinely love and care for each other. They're the ones there with me at the beginning and they'll be there at the end. THey are the constants in my life. I guess we're lucky because even in-laws are good people.