can i say something snarky back

[Anonymous]

My SIL does a variation of this. Just recently she made a comment to our teen kids how I clearly had not done something while clearly not holding her own brother to that standard. That said, regarding employment, she backed off a long time ago. Fortunately she had an epiphany where she realized that what was going on in her life had to do with the choices she and her husband had made over the preceding ten years as well as their individual decisions earlier in life regarding their career paths. That realization has made family gatherings a lot less stressful.

[Anonymous]

I looked more closely at OP’s responses just now.

OP, what anybody thinks of you and your choices is not your business. They may be gauche and share what they think about you, but it is truly not something you should concern yourself with. Starting from the title of your thread and extending to the lengthy explanations for why you make your particular choices, you seem to have this need for external validation. You are never going to get universal approval: from friends, from family, from DCUM. Who cares if your sister is envious? So she snarks -just picture your next nice vacation that you say she cannot afford and be happy about that.

Sibling relationships are especially fraught with competition. When you engage in the nonsense, it’s very easy to be knocked off your horse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I looked more closely at OP’s responses just now.

OP, what anybody thinks of you and your choices is not your business. They may be gauche and share what they think about you, but it is truly not something you should concern yourself with. Starting from the title of your thread and extending to the lengthy explanations for why you make your particular choices, you seem to have this need for external validation. You are never going to get universal approval: from friends, from family, from DCUM. Who cares if your sister is envious? So she snarks -just picture your next nice vacation that you say she cannot afford and be happy about that.

Sibling relationships are especially fraught with competition. When you engage in the nonsense, it’s very easy to be knocked off your horse.

NP. Nope. Not everyone is going to be a pushover. I have five siblings and we would absolutely say something if OP's sister made comments like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I think your sister has a point. Why DO both you and your husband feel the need to have "high paying demanding jobs" while you still have kids around? You say you aren't doing it just for the money, so why, then? Why is it so critically important that you both have "high paying demanding jobs" as your first priority, with family time being second?

Some people like to set themselves up for success and provide for their families. Some people are content with working until they're 70, being renters their whole life, and hoping their kids student loans aren't too high. Different strokes.

That's all well and good, but you don't need two parents to both have "high paying demanding jobs" while kids are still young in order to do that.

We didn't.

Good for you. In this area - most people do. On my street a normal 3,000 sqft home is $1.7M. The entire street is young parents in their 30s to 40s with kids between newborn to 8/10. To afford that you need a household income of at least $400K. Preferably higher and that's not even considering the costs of nannies, daycares, and/or private education. So you need to be strivers. If you live somewhere that's not the case, good for you. If only one of your partners makes $400K by themselves, also good for you. That's rare. We do what we have to have the lifestyle and opportunities we desire for our kids.

You don't desire it for your kids. You desire it for yourself, and often it comes at your kids' expense. You just can't or won't see it.

Okay? That's your belief. I had my firstborn(s) within 4 months of my friend. I've been able to afford a live-in nanny, doula services, and pre-registered for a private pre-K with educational services for my twins. The friend had to beg her husband to shuffle around income for a part-time nanny 3 times a week and he's still not home as often as she likes because he's the main source of income. Their commute is now an hour each way (on days she's not WFH) and mine has stayed 15 minutes. I can afford to take my child on trips for educational enrichiment abroad and get intensive language tutors when needed. She can't.

Those things are not at my kids' expense, they are providing my children for a better, more well-rounded future. In addition to the personal time I spend caring for and with them. If I was earning the money just for myself I'd spend the $30,000 a year I've allocated beyond the nanny expenses on a Berkin.

And that isn't even including housing. If my friend is spending $40,000 a year on rent and I'm spending that equivalent+ on a mortgage with appreciation baked in every year - who's coming out ahead? Me. Because I planned and made it happen.

You sound like a really great friend.

I am a great friend - who doesn't mention her salary, her home purchase price, or the additional benefits for the kids unless directly asked. When I am not a great friend is when you try to take your insecurities out on me when I'm just living my life. Save the snarkiness for your husband or your internal monologue. I'm not the one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I looked more closely at OP’s responses just now.

OP, what anybody thinks of you and your choices is not your business. They may be gauche and share what they think about you, but it is truly not something you should concern yourself with. Starting from the title of your thread and extending to the lengthy explanations for why you make your particular choices, you seem to have this need for external validation. You are never going to get universal approval: from friends, from family, from DCUM. Who cares if your sister is envious? So she snarks -just picture your next nice vacation that you say she cannot afford and be happy about that.

Sibling relationships are especially fraught with competition. When you engage in the nonsense, it’s very easy to be knocked off your horse.

NP. Nope. Not everyone is going to be a pushover. I have five siblings and we would absolutely say something if OP's sister made comments like that.

Given some of the things OP said, it’s doubtful she’s innocent in all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I think your sister has a point. Why DO both you and your husband feel the need to have "high paying demanding jobs" while you still have kids around? You say you aren't doing it just for the money, so why, then? Why is it so critically important that you both have "high paying demanding jobs" as your first priority, with family time being second?

Some people like to set themselves up for success and provide for their families. Some people are content with working until they're 70, being renters their whole life, and hoping their kids student loans aren't too high. Different strokes.

That's all well and good, but you don't need two parents to both have "high paying demanding jobs" while kids are still young in order to do that.

We didn't.

Good for you. In this area - most people do. On my street a normal 3,000 sqft home is $1.7M. The entire street is young parents in their 30s to 40s with kids between newborn to 8/10. To afford that you need a household income of at least $400K. Preferably higher and that's not even considering the costs of nannies, daycares, and/or private education. So you need to be strivers. If you live somewhere that's not the case, good for you. If only one of your partners makes $400K by themselves, also good for you. That's rare. We do what we have to have the lifestyle and opportunities we desire for our kids.

You don't desire it for your kids. You desire it for yourself, and often it comes at your kids' expense. You just can't or won't see it.

Okay? That's your belief. I had my firstborn(s) within 4 months of my friend. I've been able to afford a live-in nanny, doula services, and pre-registered for a private pre-K with educational services for my twins. The friend had to beg her husband to shuffle around income for a part-time nanny 3 times a week and he's still not home as often as she likes because he's the main source of income. Their commute is now an hour each way (on days she's not WFH) and mine has stayed 15 minutes. I can afford to take my child on trips for educational enrichiment abroad and get intensive language tutors when needed. She can't.

Those things are not at my kids' expense, they are providing my children for a better, more well-rounded future. In addition to the personal time I spend caring for and with them. If I was earning the money just for myself I'd spend the $30,000 a year I've allocated beyond the nanny expenses on a Berkin.

And that isn't even including housing. If my friend is spending $40,000 a year on rent and I'm spending that equivalent+ on a mortgage with appreciation baked in every year - who's coming out ahead? Me. Because I planned and made it happen.

You sound like a really great friend.

I am a great friend - who doesn't mention her salary, her home purchase price, or the additional benefits for the kids unless directly asked. When I am not a great friend is when you try to take your insecurities out on me when I'm just living my life. Save the snarkiness for your husband or your internal monologue. I'm not the one.

Maybe just end the friendship. Seems the most mature thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I looked more closely at OP’s responses just now.

OP, what anybody thinks of you and your choices is not your business. They may be gauche and share what they think about you, but it is truly not something you should concern yourself with. Starting from the title of your thread and extending to the lengthy explanations for why you make your particular choices, you seem to have this need for external validation. You are never going to get universal approval: from friends, from family, from DCUM. Who cares if your sister is envious? So she snarks -just picture your next nice vacation that you say she cannot afford and be happy about that.

Sibling relationships are especially fraught with competition. When you engage in the nonsense, it’s very easy to be knocked off your horse.

+1 Not sure why your post has prompted so many bizarrely judgmental people to post, but your sister’s comments are both deeply annoying and passive aggressive while also being things you should dismiss. She clearly feels insecure about her financial situation and your success and feels the need to take it out on you. That’s just immature and sad. If you care about the relationship, just work on being the bigger person. She’s obviously not in the best place, or she wouldn’t do this. Let it slide.

You owe no explanations to the faux concerned posters here worried for your kids’ well being. My DH and I have also focused a lot on making sure we are financially successful, and it has in no way been detrimental to our kids. Two are young adults now, and they are just as close to us as the kids of our friends whose moms never worked growing up. What you will find is that good people who care about their kids end up with close families regardless of either parent’s work status. It’s kind of bizarre to me that there are people who don’t realize this. I feel like they don’t look around and see the people around them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I think your sister has a point. Why DO both you and your husband feel the need to have "high paying demanding jobs" while you still have kids around? You say you aren't doing it just for the money, so why, then? Why is it so critically important that you both have "high paying demanding jobs" as your first priority, with family time being second?

We ARE doing it for the money 100% - but not for fancy clothes and art and ridiculous restaurants. its to bank it to buy ourselves full flexibility later. my husband may be missing dinners now - but when the kids are teens we'll be able to spend the whole summer with them hiking through colorado with them (or whatever we feel like) vs a one week vacation at ocean city. I may get home just in time for dinner now, but when they're preteens i can be the one doing all drop offs and pickups to not miss any problems that may be brewing etc. We are sacrificing some family time now for the ability to have so much flexibility in 10 years. Not saying that's a better or worse choice than anyone else for a family, its just ours

There are lots of "ifs" and "whens" and suppositions in your response. Trust me -- when your kids are teenagers they're not going to want to spend all summer hiking Colorado with you. They're going to want to be with their friends. That's likely to be the case no matter what, but even more in your situation -- the less you are with them now, the less they're going to want to be with you later because they will have formed closer relationships with others in your absence. I am afraid you are really in for a very rude awakening. You can put money in the bank. You can't put time in the bank.

Agree with this. Kids are like retirement accounts… you invest in them heavily early on and it reaps dividends down the lane. You can’t be all cat’s in the cradle when they’re young and hope that they’ll want to spend an entire summer with you when they’re teens (and a whole summer off with teens isn’t practical anyway - they’ll have sports practice or music camp or a job or other things to pad their resume for college - just ask anyone who’s bought a vacation home in the hopes of staying there all summer with teens).

Anyway, this is unsolicited advice that will fall on deaf ears.

[Anonymous]

You plan to retire by 50 but won't scale back now to be with your kids?

[Anonymous]

OP, don’t respond with snark. Realize that the likely source of those comments is the common struggle many moms have about trade offs. I recommend responding with empathy and curiosity. This response is easier if you are comfortable with your choices. So your sister makes a snarky comment about being home for her kids after school. Instead of getting defensive, try something like, “that sounds awesome. Tell me more about some of your favorite experiences you’ve had with the kids when you’ve been there,”. Listen. Validate her choices with making yours sound better. Empathize. Listen.

[Anonymous]

I’m petty, I’d say something back because those are rude comments to say to someone.