can i say something snarky back

[Anonymous]

My sister regularly makes comments about how she'd NEVER sacrifice the family time etc for her or her husband to have the demanding / high income jobs my husband and I have. Things like "well i'd NEVER want to not be the one waiting for my kids when they get home from school" or "I'd never want my husband to regularly miss dinner". She acts like we're making these tradeoffs just to buy fancy clothes (we don't) or some other silly materialistic reason

Yet she also makes kind of rueful "must be nice" comments about all the actual upside of our choices (long vacations without having to penny pinch on them in ways that add stress, my potentially leaving the workforce for a few years, both of our retiring by 50, ability to afford housing close to our offices to not have long commutes etc)

I make absolutely no judgments about her choices, i'm happy she's living the life she wanted to, but the next time she makes some "must be nice" type comment I kind of just want to bluntly say back "yeah...it will be nice to retire at 50, thats why we're putting in the hours now. i'd NEVER make the choice to have to grind at an unfulfilling job until 65+ when I could work harder now and spend 15 more good years traveling, volunteering, spending lots of time with my kids, and whatever else I feel like doing"

I should just keep my mouth shut though......right?

[Anonymous]

What do you hope to gain from your snarky comment?

If anything, that will alienate your sister further.

[Anonymous]

Right. Move on.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are assuming a lot. Why not just ask your sister what she means by those comments? Maybe it is coming from a good place.

[Anonymous]

Just keep mum. People who constantly defend their life choices are doing it bc they aren’t happy with their life choices. She sounds miserable. I would ignore her comments but engage with her less if it’s getting to be too much.

[Anonymous]

She sounds insecure. I wouldn’t say anything beyond “different strokes for different folks” or something in that vein and then change the subject.

[Anonymous]

She's jealous. I've found that hitting back with snark is the best way to settle snipping.

She says 'I'm so glad we're able to spend time WFHing with hubby now that he has less hours'

You 'Yeah, too bad he sucks as a provider and you're stuck in a rental for the next 10 years. Other than that - congrats!'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you are assuming a lot. Why not just ask your sister what she means by those comments? Maybe it is coming from a good place.

This will go farther than the snark, and I'm snarky.

Ask her this and then just shut your mouth and look at her.... may be the last time she asks these sort of questions.

Also probably need to share less. I stopped sharing with my mom due to similar comments from her. And we don't do Christmas presents in front of her either, because of like responses.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I think your sister has a point. Why DO both you and your husband feel the need to have "high paying demanding jobs" while you still have kids around? You say you aren't doing it just for the money, so why, then? Why is it so critically important that you both have "high paying demanding jobs" as your first priority, with family time being second?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I think your sister has a point. Why DO both you and your husband feel the need to have "high paying demanding jobs" while you still have kids around? You say you aren't doing it just for the money, so why, then? Why is it so critically important that you both have "high paying demanding jobs" as your first priority, with family time being second?

Some people like to set themselves up for success and provide for their families. Some people are content with working until they're 70, being renters their whole life, and hoping their kids student loans aren't too high. Different strokes.

[Anonymous]

I'd just smile and say "Everything's got tradeoffs!" when she goes in either direction about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I think your sister has a point. Why DO both you and your husband feel the need to have "high paying demanding jobs" while you still have kids around? You say you aren't doing it just for the money, so why, then? Why is it so critically important that you both have "high paying demanding jobs" as your first priority, with family time being second?

Why do you care? And why do you think you deserve an answer to your questions?

[Anonymous]

I would not be snarky, but I would definitely shut this down. I would say something like "It seems to me you make an awful lot of comments questioning our career choices. Why is that, given that its our lives effected and not yours?" And then shut up and see what she has to say. She probably won't have any response, but if she does it may offer an opportunity to understand each other better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister regularly makes comments about how she'd NEVER sacrifice the family time etc for her or her husband to have the demanding / high income jobs my husband and I have. Things like "well i'd NEVER want to not be the one waiting for my kids when they get home from school" or "I'd never want my husband to regularly miss dinner". She acts like we're making these tradeoffs just to buy fancy clothes (we don't) or some other silly materialistic reason

Yet she also makes kind of rueful "must be nice" comments about all the actual upside of our choices (long vacations without having to penny pinch on them in ways that add stress, my potentially leaving the workforce for a few years, both of our retiring by 50, ability to afford housing close to our offices to not have long commutes etc)

I make absolutely no judgments about her choices, i'm happy she's living the life she wanted to, but the next time she makes some "must be nice" type comment I kind of just want to bluntly say back "yeah...it will be nice to retire at 50, thats why we're putting in the hours now. i'd NEVER make the choice to have to grind at an unfulfilling job until 65+ when I could work harder now and spend 15 more good years traveling, volunteering, spending lots of time with my kids, and whatever else I feel like doing"

I should just keep my mouth shut though......right?

“Why would you say that?”

Every. Single. Time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I think your sister has a point. Why DO both you and your husband feel the need to have "high paying demanding jobs" while you still have kids around? You say you aren't doing it just for the money, so why, then? Why is it so critically important that you both have "high paying demanding jobs" as your first priority, with family time being second?

We ARE doing it for the money 100% - but not for fancy clothes and art and ridiculous restaurants. its to bank it to buy ourselves full flexibility later. my husband may be missing dinners now - but when the kids are teens we'll be able to spend the whole summer with them hiking through colorado with them (or whatever we feel like) vs a one week vacation at ocean city. I may get home just in time for dinner now, but when they're preteens i can be the one doing all drop offs and pickups to not miss any problems that may be brewing etc. We are sacrificing some family time now for the ability to have so much flexibility in 10 years. Not saying that's a better or worse choice than anyone else for a family, its just ours