When you see your parents, who foots the restaurant bill?

[Anonymous]

We pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we met our daughter's fiance's father and mother for the first time, we met in a sort of grill type lunch place in Bethesda. Not expensive, just pleasant. We all shook hands , and the six of us were seated and engaged in a couple minutes of pleasantries and small talk, smiley smiley. The waiter came over to start orders, and this Dad **immediately** says to him " Uh, separate checks, please."

I could feel my husband tense up next to me and and after we all ordered, got up to go to restroom and told the waiter that he would pick up check...quietly. He was mortified at this guy's comment. They weren't financially unable, btw. There were so many ways to deal with this, but this guy went nuclear first thing.

When it was clear, after the meal, that the check was paid, he just shrugged and said,
"Well, Ok..." This was our preview into this whole dysfunctional family,even though it was a small thing-and unfortunately we weren't wrong about our first impression. We really wanted to be wrong...10 years later, we weren't.

I wouldn't call that "going nuclear first thing." You sound kind of dramatic.

Sure he turned out to be cheap, but a lot of families operate that way. They think split bills are the easiest and least complicated way of handling bills.

Sure, as a general custom, but immediately upon meeting the family with the new couple? Bad manners. The thing to do would be to NOT say anything at the beginning of the meal, which was stupid, and when the check came, people could split, or whatever. You don't announce at the meal upon just meeting the new family what an a$$hole you are.

[Anonymous]

We pay. We’re rich, they’re poor. Both sides. Makes things easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we met our daughter's fiance's father and mother for the first time, we met in a sort of grill type lunch place in Bethesda. Not expensive, just pleasant. We all shook hands , and the six of us were seated and engaged in a couple minutes of pleasantries and small talk, smiley smiley. The waiter came over to start orders, and this Dad **immediately** says to him " Uh, separate checks, please."

I could feel my husband tense up next to me and and after we all ordered, got up to go to restroom and told the waiter that he would pick up check...quietly. He was mortified at this guy's comment. They weren't financially unable, btw. There were so many ways to deal with this, but this guy went nuclear first thing.

When it was clear, after the meal, that the check was paid, he just shrugged and said,
"Well, Ok..." This was our preview into this whole dysfunctional family,even though it was a small thing-and unfortunately we weren't wrong about our first impression. We really wanted to be wrong...10 years later, we weren't.

I wouldn't call that "going nuclear first thing." You sound kind of dramatic.

Sure he turned out to be cheap, but a lot of families operate that way. They think split bills are the easiest and least complicated way of handling bills.

I'm the PP in this thread. Cheap doesn't even begin to describe the family. Toxic does, and no, this alone wouldn't suggest that, but it was a pretty good intro into the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine as a parent allowing my adult children to pay. Parents take care of their kids, not the other way around.

We earn over $1m/year. My in-laws total estate when they died was around $200k. Of course we paid for them. Even my parents, who are retired but have good retirement income, don't have the resources we have.

Surely you can imagine a world where kids have more resources than their parents?

Yes, there are plenty of scenarios where this makes sense. Of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We switch off. No rhyme or reason to it. We never split.

What do you mean by "switching off"?

[Anonymous]

We pay for my parents because they do a lot of childcare for us and won’t accept payment - so we pick up meals and tickets to events / entrance to places we invite them.

My husband’s parents usually pay for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we met our daughter's fiance's father and mother for the first time, we met in a sort of grill type lunch place in Bethesda. Not expensive, just pleasant. We all shook hands , and the six of us were seated and engaged in a couple minutes of pleasantries and small talk, smiley smiley. The waiter came over to start orders, and this Dad **immediately** says to him " Uh, separate checks, please."

I could feel my husband tense up next to me and and after we all ordered, got up to go to restroom and told the waiter that he would pick up check...quietly. He was mortified at this guy's comment. They weren't financially unable, btw. There were so many ways to deal with this, but this guy went nuclear first thing.

When it was clear, after the meal, that the check was paid, he just shrugged and said,
"Well, Ok..." This was our preview into this whole dysfunctional family, even though it was a small thing-and unfortunately we weren't wrong about our first impression. We really wanted to be wrong...10 years later, we weren't.

I wouldn't call that "going nuclear first thing." You sound kind of dramatic.

Sure he turned out to be cheap, but a lot of families operate that way. They think split bills are the easiest and least complicated way of handling bills.

I'm the PP in this thread. Cheap doesn't even begin to describe the family. Toxic does, and no, this alone wouldn't suggest that, but it was a pretty good intro into the future.

DP here. PP, I am horrified just reading your post. Oh, how horrible to know what kind of family your kid was marrying into and you have to bite your tongue at that moment. This was really without class.

[Anonymous]

In our family, we all try and pay the bill before others can. Sometimes it becomes so bad that we have to announce it several times before we make the plans "We will be paying for dinner today because we are celebrating Larlo's win in xyz tournament - please do not insist on paying the bill - it is our treat."

But, truthfully, both sets of grandparents do so much for us and give so much to us that whatever we do for them is less.

[Anonymous]

With my parents we always pay. I come from a big family and my parents are not...wealthy. With my husband's parents they used to always pay, but I have encouraged my husband to offer more. You can tell his parents appreciate it. They have the money but it shows that they raised their son right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we met our daughter's fiance's father and mother for the first time, we met in a sort of grill type lunch place in Bethesda. Not expensive, just pleasant. We all shook hands , and the six of us were seated and engaged in a couple minutes of pleasantries and small talk, smiley smiley. The waiter came over to start orders, and this Dad **immediately** says to him " Uh, separate checks, please."

I could feel my husband tense up next to me and and after we all ordered, got up to go to restroom and told the waiter that he would pick up check...quietly. He was mortified at this guy's comment. They weren't financially unable, btw. There were so many ways to deal with this, but this guy went nuclear first thing.

When it was clear, after the meal, that the check was paid, he just shrugged and said,
"Well, Ok..." This was our preview into this whole dysfunctional family, even though it was a small thing-and unfortunately we weren't wrong about our first impression. We really wanted to be wrong...10 years later, we weren't.

I wouldn't call that "going nuclear first thing." You sound kind of dramatic.

Sure he turned out to be cheap, but a lot of families operate that way. They think split bills are the easiest and least complicated way of handling bills.

I'm the PP in this thread. Cheap doesn't even begin to describe the family. Toxic does, and no, this alone wouldn't suggest that, but it was a pretty good intro into the future.

DP here. PP, I am horrified just reading your post. Oh, how horrible to know what kind of family your kid was marrying into and you have to bite your tongue at that moment. This was really without class.

NP. I agree, the “separate checks” guy was classless and gross and incredibly embarrassing. But PP and her husband didn’t “bite their tongue”. They went around him and paid against his expressed wishes.

I mean, it’s a weird situation all around, but I think the graceful and gentlemanly thing to do in that moment is to just go along with what has been requested. Pointing out the deformity of another, or humbling them for a transgression in public, should be a last resort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We switch off. No rhyme or reason to it. We never split.

What do you mean by "switching off"?

DP, and are you not familiar with this term? It means to take turns: "We'll get this -- you got lunch last time"

[Anonymous]

ILs: they pay, won’t take no for an answer
My parents: we take turns

FWIW I think disposable income would play a role here. We are on similar financial footing as both parents and ILs but that is likely not the case for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whoever manages to pull their card out first to hand to waiter. It's a race.

This. They paid for our meals until we got gainfully employed, we want to pay back now aa we have income and they are retired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we met our daughter's fiance's father and mother for the first time, we met in a sort of grill type lunch place in Bethesda. Not expensive, just pleasant. We all shook hands , and the six of us were seated and engaged in a couple minutes of pleasantries and small talk, smiley smiley. The waiter came over to start orders, and this Dad **immediately** says to him " Uh, separate checks, please."

I could feel my husband tense up next to me and and after we all ordered, got up to go to restroom and told the waiter that he would pick up check...quietly. He was mortified at this guy's comment. They weren't financially unable, btw. There were so many ways to deal with this, but this guy went nuclear first thing.

When it was clear, after the meal, that the check was paid, he just shrugged and said,
"Well, Ok..." This was our preview into this whole dysfunctional family, even though it was a small thing-and unfortunately we weren't wrong about our first impression. We really wanted to be wrong...10 years later, we weren't.

I wouldn't call that "going nuclear first thing." You sound kind of dramatic.

Sure he turned out to be cheap, but a lot of families operate that way. They think split bills are the easiest and least complicated way of handling bills.

I'm the PP in this thread. Cheap doesn't even begin to describe the family. Toxic does, and no, this alone wouldn't suggest that, but it was a pretty good intro into the future.

DP here. PP, I am horrified just reading your post. Oh, how horrible to know what kind of family your kid was marrying into and you have to bite your tongue at that moment. This was really without class.

NP. I agree, the “separate checks” guy was classless and gross and incredibly embarrassing. But PP and her husband didn’t “bite their tongue”. They went around him and paid against his expressed wishes.

I mean, it’s a weird situation all around, but I think the graceful and gentlemanly thing to do in that moment is to just go along with what has been requested. Pointing out the deformity of another, or humbling them for a transgression in public, should be a last resort.

Lol, the Dad never knew who paid and didn't ask. Don't worry about him. Too funny. I wish I could provide the context of this family going forward, my point being sometimes there really are red flags.

The reason my husband paid? If was to be a celebration and meeting of this newly engaged couple, not a draw a line in the sand business venture.