I don't want to babysit niece and nephews for the weekend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think anyone should feel obligated to babysit someone else kids for an entire weekend. That’s a big ask. But if you typically would be fine with doing so - like, let’s say this was a bachelor party or other guys trip or a work trip and you would say yes - I don’t think you should let the fact that it’s a girlfriend trip stop you.

I’m sorry for your loss. But he’s entitled to move on and date others. I would support him in this.

He can hire a babysitter or ask his family.

That's exactly what he did, you dimwit.

His side of the family..not the in-laws.

He asked his brother, dummy.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is trying to sabotage her brother-in-law's new relationship. He just wants alone time with his girlfriend, which is probably very rare.

[Anonymous]

OP, since you said you have cared for the kids in the past please try and re-frame this situation to being about the kids. If your hesitation about the girlfriend is spilling over into changing your relationship with them, you are essentially punishing them for having lost their mom. They have had and will continue to have so much change and upheaval in their lives. Can't you as their aunt and uncle be a stable, comforting thing for them?

You taking a stand or whatever is not going to keep BIL from moving on with his life, it will only put distance between you and these kids. Be there for your niece and nephew. The bonding that happens now will stick for life.

They are used to staying with you. Don't change this part of their life too.

[Anonymous]

You should look up the 5 stages of grief. One stage is anger, and I think you're unknowingly taking things out on the new girlfriend. Your feelings of annoyance with her have more to do with your sadness about the loss of your SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should look up the 5 stages of grief. One stage is anger, and I think you're unknowingly taking things out on the new girlfriend. Your feelings of annoyance with her have more to do with your sadness about the loss of your SIL.

One hundred percent. This is a way of acting out against the status quo because at the root of it, you are angry she is gone and want to rebel against that. I am so sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, since you said you have cared for the kids in the past please try and re-frame this situation to being about the kids. If your hesitation about the girlfriend is spilling over into changing your relationship with them, you are essentially punishing them for having lost their mom. They have had and will continue to have so much change and upheaval in their lives. Can't you as their aunt and uncle be a stable, comforting thing for them?

You taking a stand or whatever is not going to keep BIL from moving on with his life, it will only put distance between you and these kids. Be there for your niece and nephew. The bonding that happens now will stick for life.

They are used to staying with you. Don't change this part of their life too.

OP you seem like such a good person and my heart breaks for your whole family. A few years is not that long after a major loss. I think all your feelings are valid except for the feeling that you are helping BIL cheat. You need to really push back on that because you know it is not true. Let yourself miss your SIL, let yourself hate that she is gone but try to find a way to let those feelings live at the same time as wanting BIL to be happy. I lost a beloved family member 15 years ago and still have moments of “this isn’t how things should be”. And it’s not! Your SIL should be alive and it’s TERRIBLE that she isn’t. It’s a lot of work to keep your actions forward thinking despite those feelings but I believe you can do it. Your SIL wants you to love on her kids, and that’s your role here, end of story even though I know it is hard! I am very sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I feel like the Grinch and my reasoning is totally selfish. I love my nieces and nephews, but I am struggling with BIL having a new girlfriend. My SIL were best friends, neither of us had sisters growing up so we became like sisters, and honestly, I have felt pretty lost since she passed a few years ago, and yes I realize it's worse for my BIL and the kids. My BIL started dating a woman 6 months ago, and things seem to be pretty serious, and she's nice, there's nothing actually wrong with her, but I'm really struggling with the idea of her being around. Anyway, BIL asked me and DH to watch the kids the weekend before Christmas because he wants to go away with his girlfriend for 6-month anniversary. Normally I have no problem babysitting, and we've had plenty of sleepovers in the past and have always had a blast. But I don't want to do this, it feels like we're helping him cheat, even though I know he isn't cheating and isn't doing anything wrong. He's been nothing but a good, but it still feels wrong to me. Of course, my husband doesn't understand why I'm bothered b this. So help me DCUM, help me do the right thing here, and help me not be resentful and be welcoming to his girlfriend.

This is all that matters in your post. Say no.

Is it thought? Doing whatever you want just because you don't feel like it is a very selfish way to go through life. A big part of being an adult is doing things that you know are right, even though you don't want to do them. I don't want to go to work each day, but I do it because I need to earn money to support my family. This is the right thing to do. I wouldn't want to raise my brother's kids if he and his wife died, but I would do it in a heartbeat because that is what good people do. OP I would advise you to think long and hard about what a good person would do here and choose that path even if it is difficult for you personally. I think you know the right thing to do here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Six month anniversary and asking for a weekend away from the kids who lost their mother is a red flag. I think you are conflating your grief with picking up on something that isn't right.

WTF? I'd read some bad takes here, but this is the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she’s a good woman, your SIL would likely be happy they are together. I know that I would be comforted knowing that my motherless kids would one day have a loving stepmom if I could not be there for them. My DH could take care of them, but I’d still want them to have a mother figure that loves them. Who knows how this will turn out, but a happy ending is not a bad thing for the most important people involved, the kids.

+1. I can’t imagine begrudging my husband finding another partner who would help love and care for my kids a few years after I died.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to babysit anybody, op. I wouldn’t because once you say yes, the requests won’t stop. Next it will be a weekend away for Valentine’s Day, then they’ll get married and have a honeymoon, then she’ll get pregnant and you just don’t understand how tired and sick to her stomach she is, then she’ll of course need care when the baby is born, then the older kids will want to do things the little one can’t, you’re allowed to say no. Also, adding in extra kids can be hard depending on what you’ve got going on.

Finally, the girlfriend has got to understand she is marrying a widower with children. It will look very different than a divorced man with kids. The girlfriend needs to understand and decide if this is what she wants.

As for you, you probably need some grief counseling. Your bil is allowed to find another romantic partner. Good for him for wanting a healthy relationship. He could be getting his sexual and emotional needs met in far worse ways.

As an aside, we had a friend who’s wife died of cancer. He says that the church ladies (yes, actual church ladies) were indeed very helpful while his wife was dying and just after her death. The problem was that they didn’t want their “pet widower” to ever be anything but their pet. They found fault with every woman he introduced… and some were indeed duds. They were openly cruel to some of the women, talking about the late spouse in a way that even he said would make anybody feel bad “we had so much fun.. you’ll just never understand what a gem she was” “we’d go out and have the best time” with no invitation to the new lady, just nasty mean girl behavior.

This friend stopped attending the church and eventually he and his boys moved away. Know that your bil doesn’t have to put up with you.. he can decide that if you won’t let him live in a healthy appropriate way, he’ll just take his kids and move across the country. He is allowed to do this.

My suggestion is that you talk with a grief counselor. I’d also suggest you make some female friends. The world is full of people who want to get to know you if only you meet them halfway. Nobody can get close to you though if you wall yourself off. Of course nobody will compare to your SIL but that is only a bad thing if you let it.