Racist family members

[Anonymous]

What is the accepted solution for dealing with racist family members? What about someone who is very nice-only to white people?

This is my MIL. My husband says, "she's old" and ignores her racist remarks. Currently MIL is attempting to dissuade SIL for dating an African American man. I am so appalled and cannot believe this happens still. What can I do? Say? Anything?

[Anonymous]

As someone who is the product of an interracial relationship that extended family members did not support, please call your MIL out. And tell your husband to do it, too.

It's unacceptable in this day and age. If you don't call out such antiquated ideas, I'd consider someone complicit. "Old" is not an excuse when you live in the present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the accepted solution for dealing with racist family members? What about someone who is very nice-only to white people?

This is my MIL. My husband says, "she's old" and ignores her racist remarks. Currently MIL is attempting to dissuade SIL for dating an African American man. I am so appalled and cannot believe this happens still. What can I do? Say? Anything?

Then the person isn’t actually “really nice”.

I wouldn’t bring up race just for the sake of telling her off but I also wouldn’t just ignore it/say nothing if she makes a racist comment in front of you. Tell her how you feel politely but in no uncertain terms.

Also let her know that you won’t allow any racist comments to be made in front of any kids you may have. If she persists in making these comments in front of your kids, take them & leave/no longer take them to see her & let her know why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who is the product of an interracial relationship that extended family members did not support, please call your MIL out. And tell your husband to do it, too.

It's unacceptable in this day and age. If you don't call out such antiquated ideas, I'd consider someone complicit. "Old" is not an excuse when you live in the present.

I agree with this poster, but be warned the waves you will make. It could be the end of your marriage or DH's relationship with his mother or other family issues.

I'm in an interracial relationship with family estrangements so I'm a little prejudice from personal experience. Your DH is complicit but allowing her the excuse of "old." Tell him as such.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the accepted solution for dealing with racist family members? What about someone who is very nice-only to white people?

This is my MIL. My husband says, "she's old" and ignores her racist remarks. Currently MIL is attempting to dissuade SIL for dating an African American man. I am so appalled and cannot believe this happens still. What can I do? Say? Anything?

Then the person isn’t actually “really nice”.

I wouldn’t bring up race just for the sake of telling her off but I also wouldn’t just ignore it/say nothing if she makes a racist comment in front of you. Tell her how you feel politely but in no uncertain terms.

Also let her know that you won’t allow any racist comments to be made in front of any kids you may have. If she persists in making these comments in front of your kids, take them & leave/no longer take them to see her & let her know why.

This is the most important thing in my opinion. She may be too far gone but don’t let her normliaze that type of thinking for your kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

FWIW I am Indian and my MIL is frosty with me too. She did not want me to marry DH due to my race too but has for all intents and purposes come around. My DH continues to make excuses for her though. I am so fed up I want to leave. I do not want any children in this mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the accepted solution for dealing with racist family members? What about someone who is very nice-only to white people?

This is my MIL. My husband says, "she's old" and ignores her racist remarks. Currently MIL is attempting to dissuade SIL for dating an African American man. I am so appalled and cannot believe this happens still. What can I do? Say? Anything?

This isn't your business. This is between MIL and SIL. Stay out of it.

If your DH doesn't want to get involved, why should you? They're his relatives, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the accepted solution for dealing with racist family members? What about someone who is very nice-only to white people?

This is my MIL. My husband says, "she's old" and ignores her racist remarks. Currently MIL is attempting to dissuade SIL for dating an African American man. I am so appalled and cannot believe this happens still. What can I do? Say? Anything?

This isn't your business. This is between MIL and SIL. Stay out of it.

If your DH doesn't want to get involved, why should you? They're his relatives, not yours.

-10000

Racism and bigotry is everone's business. I'd be ashamed if my husband tolerated it - it would make me lose tremendous respect for him. When people are wrong, they're wrong, it doesn't matter if you're related to them or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the accepted solution for dealing with racist family members? What about someone who is very nice-only to white people?

This is my MIL. My husband says, "she's old" and ignores her racist remarks. Currently MIL is attempting to dissuade SIL for dating an African American man. I am so appalled and cannot believe this happens still. What can I do? Say? Anything?

This isn't your business. This is between MIL and SIL. Stay out of it.

If your DH doesn't want to get involved, why should you? They're his relatives, not yours.

I agree to an extent that what's going on between MIL and SIL isn't OP's business, however...

How is this coming up? Is MIL bringing it up to you and saying, SIL is trying to date a....? Is SIL coming to you and talking about how her mom doesn't want her to date a Black man?

If the former, I would shut it down if it was happening in front of me. "Your only objection to Jeff is that he's Black. I find that racist and I don't want to hear about it anymore." If SIL is bringing it up to you, let her know that you support her right to date whoever she wants and hope he treats her well. Actively support the relationship by inviting her and her boyfriend to dinner or something, sans MIL.

If she talking racist in front of your kids, tell her that you will not allow racist speech in front of your children and then leave. If your husband has a problem with that, tell him that he needs to support his half-Indian children in a situation where a family member is being racist, period, or he's a crappy dad.

[Anonymous]

Did you know this about MIL before you got married and had children? The Charlottesville marchers were fairly young so being "old" is not an excuse for racism. Also there aren't degrees or components of it to racism. You either are or are not. MIL is.

Your DH sounds like he is hypersensitive about his mother. Mine is. It took years before he accepted and acknowledges some of her unexcusable behavior. That is part of the reason why we hardly see or speak to her.

[Anonymous]

Is this you, OP?

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/745617.page

[Anonymous]

How do you assume that MIL is racist about SIL's choice for dating? Maybe she has other reasons other than skin color.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you assume that MIL is racist about SIL's choice for dating? Maybe she has other reasons other than skin color.

Why are you so quick to disbelieve a person of color when she says that someone is being racist? Why are you so quick to give the MIL the benefit of the doubt when OP stated that it's not the first time MIL has been racist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you assume that MIL is racist about SIL's choice for dating? Maybe she has other reasons other than skin color.

+1.

When I married into a family with a different religious background and they weren't nice to me, I didn't jump into accusing them of racism or worse.

[Anonymous]

There is not anything you can do, other than to express your opinion that your SILs boyfriend is fine. Maybe your mil will change, maybe she won't and will be the reason her daughter moves away or has much less to do with her. Her choice.