Racist family members

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the accepted solution for dealing with racist family members? What about someone who is very nice-only to white people?

This is my MIL. My husband says, "she's old" and ignores her racist remarks. Currently MIL is attempting to dissuade SIL for dating an African American man. I am so appalled and cannot believe this happens still. What can I do? Say? Anything?

This isn't your business. This is between MIL and SIL. Stay out of it.

If your DH doesn't want to get involved, why should you? They're his relatives, not yours.

Please be aware that children pick up on racist language and attitudes. There are African American children in elementary school struggling with and negatively affected by racist language/attitudes from their peers, and many of these peers got these attitudes from relatives. You may think no one is getting hurt and that your child never hears it, but you are probably wrong.

+1
And unfortunately Black children aren’t given the same latitude when the stress of this treatment might cause them to act out. They aren’t given the benefit of the doubt for being anxious or even just tired and sad, they are labeled as having all types of behavioral disorders and problems. And because many subconsciously expect Black children to be “bad” anyway, the label sticks and other explanations aren’t sought. When you think of “the children”, don’t just think of your own.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I think all this advice about how you can't change old people ...or you will start a big family fight....this is all a bunch of enabling BS. And it's part of the reason *rump happened...We (liberal white ppl) have been quiet for too long. After 2016, I am no longer quiet about racist BS and will call it out, every time I see it. It's not about changing the MIL; it's about changing future and setting a good example for our children.

[Anonymous]

You should absolutely say something. I definitely would NOT allow her around my children either. This is why racism will never die, the old spread their hateful views to the young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

FWIW I am Indian and my MIL is frosty with me too. She did not want me to marry DH due to my race too but has for all intents and purposes come around. My DH continues to make excuses for her though. I am so fed up I want to leave. I do not want any children in this mess.

I am also Indian and my husband is white, mother an old WASP from Connecticut. For years she didn't make any attempt to get to know me or my kids (one is blond, the other is dark like me). Basically, she felt like diluted her perfectly blonde lineage. I dealt with snide, racist comments about my darker child for years. I rarely spoke up and resented my husband for giving the same excuses about her age and socioecomic status that make her that way. I didn't buy it. Finally, when she wanted to come and visit and stay here this summer, I made him talk to her about what is appropriate and what she has to accept. It seemed to help her in the sense that she was more engaged with my younger child and asked questions about my culture that weren't totally inappropriate. I still am cautious about letting her come around too much. I know my kids will sense and pick up on her racist ways, even if she tries to disguise them. Just be careful about your husband feeling like he needs to choose. Its on him to protect his multi-racial children as much as it on you.

Sorry to hear all this.

Who did they vote for in 2016?

MIL for Hillary/FIL for Trump.

Fascinating.

Why fascinating?? you don't think anyone on the left is capable of being racist? Get real.

Nope, I know pretty well that there are many racist and xenophobic folks on the left too.

What I found fascinating is that each parent in law voted for a different candidate, so I can only imagine what dinner table conversations must have been like around 2016 election day. Racism is probably the least of their problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: So many young adults are judgmental about this but would be horrified if expected to practice what they preach.

I’m sorry, what? I find it quite easy not to be racist and expect people who spend time with and influence my children not to be racist too. Do you find the opposite to be true? As in you know young adults who call out their elders for being racist while secretly belonging to the KKK?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think all this advice about how you can't change old people ...or you will start a big family fight....this is all a bunch of enabling BS. And it's part of the reason *rump happened...We (liberal white ppl) have been quiet for too long. After 2016, I am no longer quiet about racist BS and will call it out, every time I see it. It's not about changing the MIL; it's about changing future and setting a good example for our children.

YES. Every single time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think all this advice about how you can't change old people ...or you will start a big family fight....this is all a bunch of enabling BS. And it's part of the reason *rump happened...We (liberal white ppl) have been quiet for too long. After 2016, I am no longer quiet about racist BS and will call it out, every time I see it. It's not about changing the MIL; it's about changing future and setting a good example for our children.

Yes, thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the accepted solution for dealing with racist family members? What about someone who is very nice-only to white people?

This is my MIL. My husband says, "she's old" and ignores her racist remarks. Currently MIL is attempting to dissuade SIL for dating an African American man. I am so appalled and cannot believe this happens still. What can I do? Say? Anything?

OP, since you're of Indian extraction, how is this type of situation dealt with when it happens in Indian? I.e. if a Brahmin discriminates against an Untouchable? Just do the same thing in America you would have done if it happened in your home country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the accepted solution for dealing with racist family members? What about someone who is very nice-only to white people?

This is my MIL. My husband says, "she's old" and ignores her racist remarks. Currently MIL is attempting to dissuade SIL for dating an African American man. I am so appalled and cannot believe this happens still. What can I do? Say? Anything?

OP, since you're of Indian extraction, how is this type of situation dealt with when it happens in Indian? I.e. if a Brahmin discriminates against an Untouchable? Just do the same thing in America you would have done if it happened in your home country.

Careful, you sound like one of those “but where are you FROM?” types. She’s here. She doesn’t have to answer for what happens in India just as you don’t have to answer for what happens in the UK or Italy or wherever your family roots are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you assume that MIL is racist about SIL's choice for dating? Maybe she has other reasons other than skin color.

+1.

When I married into a family with a different religious background and they weren't nice to me, I didn't jump into accusing them of racism or worse.

Yes, let’s pretend that when MIL says she can’t believe SIL is dating a ni**er, she’s actually showing concern that they might not be compatible because one is very extroverted and the other an introvert.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

FWIW I am Indian and my MIL is frosty with me too. She did not want me to marry DH due to my race too but has for all intents and purposes come around. My DH continues to make excuses for her though. I am so fed up I want to leave. I do not want any children in this mess.

You have some nerve being fed up OP. You knew how MIL was BEFORE you even married your husband. And you knew how your husband was before you married him! Yet you married him anyway, and now have the nerve to say you want to break your vows and leave him, and don’t want any kids with him?? What a flake. YOU are a FLAKE. Leave him. He deserves better.

What attracted you to this man in the first place? Is it simply because he’s white and you saw him as some sort of prize or something?

If that’s the case, then this sure blew up in your face. If you didn’t go into this marriage with the purest of intentions and love/loyalty for your spouse, then you’re getting what you deserve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the accepted solution for dealing with racist family members? What about someone who is very nice-only to white people?

This is my MIL. My husband says, "she's old" and ignores her racist remarks. Currently MIL is attempting to dissuade SIL for dating an African American man. I am so appalled and cannot believe this happens still. What can I do? Say? Anything?

OP, since you're of Indian extraction, how is this type of situation dealt with when it happens in Indian? I.e. if a Brahmin discriminates against an Untouchable? Just do the same thing in America you would have done if it happened in your home country.

Careful, you sound like one of those “but where are you FROM?” types. She’s here. She doesn’t have to answer for what happens in India just as you don’t have to answer for what happens in the UK or Italy or wherever your family roots are.

OP asked a question about how to handle a certain touchy situation and was asked how it's handled in her home culture. No one asked OP to "justify" anything.

[Anonymous]

Both my family and my spouse's families are racist to varying degrees. I really have no desire to isolate my children from their extended family. In fact, I think suggesting such is completely ridiculous. Yes, I call my family out on it and we make it known when a comment is inappropriate. I was raised by racists people in a very rural and segregated community and somehow I figured out it was wrong. I am sure my children can do the same. My children's life experience will also be very different than my own, as they are growing up in a diverse city.

My family also shoot guns at family events and talk conservative politics and *gasp* I think it's OK for my children to be exposed to them, even if my husband and I have very [b] different opinions. Isolating kids from alternative views won't do them any good and can perpetuate to the sort of divisiveness we have in our culture right now. We just have to be helpful to them as they process those ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my family and my spouse's families are racist to varying degrees. I really have no desire to isolate my children from their extended family. In fact, I think suggesting such is completely ridiculous. Yes, I call my family out on it and we make it known when a comment is inappropriate. I was raised by racists people in a very rural and segregated community and somehow I figured out it was wrong. I am sure my children can do the same. My children's life experience will also be very different than my own, as they are growing up in a diverse city.

My family also shoot guns at family events and talk conservative politics and *gasp* I think it's OK for my children to be exposed to them, even if my husband and I have very [b] different opinions. Isolating kids from alternative views won't do them any good and can perpetuate to the sort of divisiveness we have in our culture right now. We just have to be helpful to them as they process those ideas.

Are both of your kids Caucasian? If yes, then it is easy for you to tell them it is wrong and keep them around. If they are not, exposing them to this behavior will have a lasting, damaging impact. They will resent you for doing it later. I know, I'm multiracial and my mother never stood up to the people around her making racist comments and jokes when I was around.